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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2017 7:39:24 GMT
Yes Kirsty
Firstly perhaps accepting that it will hurt to get over him would be a good first step. The inconsistent attention is like a drug and leaves you waiting for the next fix which he provides just to keep you there, to hold you in place so he doesn't lose you completely and lose the good feelings you provide him with.
Secondly at some point in order to really process your own feelings it may be wise not to see him for a while - this will enable you to firm up your own boundaries - if you've been having sex with him etc you will be bonded hormonally and it will take a while for this to settle - be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. I have been helped by meditation - Tara Brach has a great website with free meditations which might be worth a look.
It's normal to grieve and rushing the process won't help - neither will trying to get away from the pain by continuing to see him - keep posting here, many of us have been in a similar situation so know you're not alone - and that it will pass. Staying with someone like this in whatever capacity is like repeatedly burning yourself in a hot fire - if you learn to love and care for yourself the rest will follow naturally.
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 29, 2017 16:45:01 GMT
Ocarina,
Beautifully stated! THANK YOU. Meditation definitely helped me when I first did no-contact with him for 40 days. I keep thinking of the tools I used then and how I need to access those again. You are right though, I need to get away to start to heal again.
A friend of mine once said you can deal with the acute pain of leaving now, or continue on with the chronic pain.
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Post by bravocharlie on Oct 30, 2017 14:16:24 GMT
Great posts here. ...I don't want to derail your thread, but thank you, kristyrose, for starting it. ;^)
Really, all one needs to know about the practical effects of this attachment business are found distilled in the handful of threads on this forum.
I seem to be drawn to keep checking the threads here, perhaps for my own sense of not quite being complete with my recent brief, jarring experience with an "FA," and probably an earlier FA I couldn't seem to get over...until I learned of Attachment Theory and understood what her issue was.
...I am astounded at the supposed percentage of people who are apparently other than "secure" in relationships (per one of the "experts" in the field whose blog I came across), if we were to categorize people by this system: the majority of people are not Secure.
I am toying with the idea that we each fall on a continuum, or that DA/FA/AP-type reactions can be situationally triggered when in relation with someone who is dysfunctional. Not a new idea, of course. ...The nature of the sharing by everyone on this board makes this possible--the ability for me to relate to being on "both sides" of such painful interactions, at some point. ...But, perhaps there is a distinction from those who truly CANNOT get out of their own way, as it were.
"I'm not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts; some superhero, some fairytale bliss.
Just something I can turn to, somebody I can kiss... "
--The Chainsmokers and Coldplay, Something Just Like This
..Sigh... Don't mind my interjection... Carry on, kristyrose! You really do seem to be wanting to transform.
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Post by cricket on Oct 30, 2017 17:25:00 GMT
It very much does feel like a drug and an addiction to them, but once I started learning more about myself and my past I felt that my addiction is to the roles we play not so much that he is so great. I am so immensely comfortable w that role and cycle that I had been needing it. I'm not a very drama type person. I don't have huge fights and yelling I just need that push pull to feel comfortable I guess. But the more I have worked on my father issues the more I have seen my relationships for what they are.
AND what also helped was I thought my guy was being so honest w me and stressing to me how much he did not be w other people even when he went mia, but that was a lie. I dont know if it was a lie the whole time but finding out he was w someone really cut my emotions off for him. I dont tolerate being someone's 2nd choice. He will always run and use any excuse to do it and I feel so relieved that my heart doesn't hurt for him anymore. I feel good and free from him finally after a year and a half of being infatuated and obsessed and truly believing we were meant to be. All of a sudden he doesn't seem so fukin great to me anymore.
I hope you will get to a point where your heart feels more relief in letting go than holding on for dear life.
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 31, 2017 3:51:34 GMT
Hi Cricket,
I'm very sorry to hear that you were lied to like that. It's painful enough dealing with the push/pull and feeling rejected, but that is just another layer of pain.
You are so right, it does feel like a drug addiction. My therapist has even called it that. I also need the push/pull to feel comfortable. I feel like I have to earn the love of someone, versus just being loved for who I am.
I hope my heart gets to the place yours is at- sounds like you worked hard and are working hard and that takes so much strength and courage!
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Post by cricket on Oct 31, 2017 17:38:52 GMT
Hi Cricket, I'm very sorry to hear that you were lied to like that. It's painful enough dealing with the push/pull and feeling rejected, but that is just another layer of pain. You are so right, it does feel like a drug addiction. My therapist has even called it that. I also need the push/pull to feel comfortable. I feel like I have to earn the love of someone, versus just being loved for who I am. I hope my heart gets to the place yours is at- sounds like you worked hard and are working hard and that takes so much strength and courage! I am totally like that too about earning their love to feel worthy of it instead of just knowing my worth is intrinsic and doesn't come from any romantic love or outside source. It has been challenging for me to rewire those thoughts in my brain. But it feels right and it feels better the more I practice it. Now I am actually greatful I found out because I would probably still be stick if I didn't know. I guess silly of me to think he would act so distant and remain "faithful"for months 1 to 3 months at a time. You will get there, the heart can only move forward if you let it and it sounds like that's what you are slowly letting it do. |
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Post by scheme00 on Oct 31, 2017 19:56:09 GMT
It is comforting to read all of these similar experiences and it validates that I was not crazy with my DA girlfriend. I never acted needy with her and would give her space, I would go days without hearing from her and she would pop back up without skipping a beat. But each day that went by for me made me feel unloved and less of a priority in her life. Almost every day she would hang out with her other male friends, she never got sick of them. I'm guessing because it never went to the romantic stage. It strange to think how much I cared about this woman, always asking her details about her life because I was interested. Not once did she ever try to get to know me. But I was a source of fun, dates, laughing, and spontaneous vacations. She told me once: "I have so much fun with you. It's so easy with you." I thought to myself "in dying inside just to keep you happy and so you don't feel trapped." She did say one time at dinner "thank you for being patient with me" because I told her I felt like she was my soulmate one minute and when she's gone it feels like I don't even know her. When I finally could not take my anxiety anymore I decided to end it with her. I did it in a loving way, I went to her house and told her I loved her to death but my needs were not being met and she was not emotionally available enough for what I needed." She agreed and that was that. I did get a "you are one of the most amazing men I know and I hope you find someone that can give you the appreciation you deserve." text. That only hurt more. Why couldn't you appreciate me? It hurts l, in trying to move forward and I am very strong at implementing no contact but a small part of me...ok large part wants her to reach out and tell me she screwed up.
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Post by kristyrose on Nov 1, 2017 16:25:00 GMT
Hi scheme00,
I understand the desire of wanting her to reach out. When I did no-contact with my ex, that is really all I wanted, but, when he finally did start contacting me we started seeing each other again but still have not gotten back together. I have to say, there are many days I wish I had stayed NC because it's only prolonging the inevitable. He doesn't really want to be with me, but for some reason he cannot be without me either.
Ultimately almost all of us on this site are struggling to find a way out, or a way to grieve and move on. I think it takes a tremendous amount of courage to let go of someone you love in order to get the love you need and deserve from someone else. I applaud you because I know it's not easy. As many have said to me here, just keep posting and getting it out, we are here for you to help in this transition.
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