Post by kristyrose on Oct 24, 2017 18:45:14 GMT
Hi Everyone,
I'm so relieved to find this forum. I have been reading various posts on the FA page and I can relate to so many, I cried tears of joy!
To give you some context, I met a man in June 2015 online and we dated up until April 2017. I didn't know at the time, but discovered about 7 or 8 months in, that he is a fearful-avoidant, he is 44 yrs old. I realized this after doing some research and then discovering and buying Jeb's book, How to Love or Leave an Avoidant. I myself fall into the anxious-attached category, however I've been in therapy for the past 6 years to tackle this and face my own abusive past.
My ex broke up with me in April by saying we fought too much to his liking and that he didn't think he had the feelings he was supposed to have at that point in our relationship. From the very start he told me he wasn't interested in a serious relationship and instead wanting something "light". I initially agreed to this but at about 3 months in I realized I was starting to develop feelings for him. We had a talk and both agreed that we weren't seeing other people and neither of us wanted to, but he insisted that things needed to move both very slow and stay "light". I went along with this for a while and we were very happy, however, after 6 months or so, I told him that we are basically a couple and that I'd like to meet his friends and have him meet mine. He started bringing me to friend functions, we started increasing the time we spent together which on average was 1-2 days a week during the week and one weekend night and day, to being together the entire weekend and eventually going on small camping trips and over-nighters. I was elated! His friends all told me that they hadn't met any of his girlfriends in over 10 years and his best friend said he had never seen him spend so much time with someone or be so happy. I was nuts about him so this made me feel so good and honestly, very special. Eventually he met my family and told me I would one day meet his.
However, because he would frequently withdraw and stonewall when we got too close or had an argument, the push/pull cycle was a big part of our relationship. A number of times he told me he has never fought so much with a woman (his average relationships were 6 months- only 1 was 2yrs) and he frequently said we were "toxic" and that while we had many good things between us, the fighting was too much for him. At one point I told him I loved him, this was after a year and a half, he said he didn't love me, that he had "love for me". His best friend told me in confidence that at one point my ex told him he thought he loved me.
So in April, he came over and broke up with me; I cried, he cried a little, he stayed over and ultimately we spent the weekend together. It was awful, I felt so rejected. He told me that he had adored me, thought I was intensely beautiful, that he has never connected with someone like me, we had the same humor, I was the kindest person he had ever met and that he wanted us to remain friends. He said he never wants to be friends with an ex. I told him that I could never do that.
We parted ways and I went into no-contact for 40 days. During that time he emailed, texted, sent b-day card and tried to get a response from me. He said while he knew it may be pointless to stay in touch, he was hurting too, that he wasn't a monster and that it was hard on him. I finally gave in and went to his house and he told me how devastated he was, how he would just stare at his phone all day, how he had withdrawals from me. From that point on, May 2017, we have been seeing each other regularly, sex included, dates, spending time with his friends, but he still doesn't want to get back together. Just last weekend he told me he felt like we were getting into a pattern, a "bad habit" of spending two days out of the weekend together and that we should have no expectations and that I should not have false ones. Yet, he will turn around and text me asking to hang out, then proceed to spend the weekend with me anyway. In addition, I have a chronic health condition and take strong medication once a week. Sometimes I'm bedridden, he insists on coming over to bring food and cuddle with me and even today has texted all morning to make sure I'm ok and see if I need him.
My question is, I am not ready to walk away from him, I love him still so much, but it's now going on 6 months that we have been seeing each other exclusively, and I feel like at some point I will just need to walk away. Do I draw a line in the sand or will this just scare him off?
I think he does love me, he has said its hard for him to feel love, that he thinks he was in love once, but it was fleeting. At this point I am the longest relationship he's had and post break-up he confides in me a lot, is more open and in some respects things are better than before, but I can't deny it hurts that we are not officially back. I'm also petrified he will dump me a second time.
Any thoughts from FA's or anyone would be so appreciated!
Kristy
I'm so relieved to find this forum. I have been reading various posts on the FA page and I can relate to so many, I cried tears of joy!
To give you some context, I met a man in June 2015 online and we dated up until April 2017. I didn't know at the time, but discovered about 7 or 8 months in, that he is a fearful-avoidant, he is 44 yrs old. I realized this after doing some research and then discovering and buying Jeb's book, How to Love or Leave an Avoidant. I myself fall into the anxious-attached category, however I've been in therapy for the past 6 years to tackle this and face my own abusive past.
My ex broke up with me in April by saying we fought too much to his liking and that he didn't think he had the feelings he was supposed to have at that point in our relationship. From the very start he told me he wasn't interested in a serious relationship and instead wanting something "light". I initially agreed to this but at about 3 months in I realized I was starting to develop feelings for him. We had a talk and both agreed that we weren't seeing other people and neither of us wanted to, but he insisted that things needed to move both very slow and stay "light". I went along with this for a while and we were very happy, however, after 6 months or so, I told him that we are basically a couple and that I'd like to meet his friends and have him meet mine. He started bringing me to friend functions, we started increasing the time we spent together which on average was 1-2 days a week during the week and one weekend night and day, to being together the entire weekend and eventually going on small camping trips and over-nighters. I was elated! His friends all told me that they hadn't met any of his girlfriends in over 10 years and his best friend said he had never seen him spend so much time with someone or be so happy. I was nuts about him so this made me feel so good and honestly, very special. Eventually he met my family and told me I would one day meet his.
However, because he would frequently withdraw and stonewall when we got too close or had an argument, the push/pull cycle was a big part of our relationship. A number of times he told me he has never fought so much with a woman (his average relationships were 6 months- only 1 was 2yrs) and he frequently said we were "toxic" and that while we had many good things between us, the fighting was too much for him. At one point I told him I loved him, this was after a year and a half, he said he didn't love me, that he had "love for me". His best friend told me in confidence that at one point my ex told him he thought he loved me.
So in April, he came over and broke up with me; I cried, he cried a little, he stayed over and ultimately we spent the weekend together. It was awful, I felt so rejected. He told me that he had adored me, thought I was intensely beautiful, that he has never connected with someone like me, we had the same humor, I was the kindest person he had ever met and that he wanted us to remain friends. He said he never wants to be friends with an ex. I told him that I could never do that.
We parted ways and I went into no-contact for 40 days. During that time he emailed, texted, sent b-day card and tried to get a response from me. He said while he knew it may be pointless to stay in touch, he was hurting too, that he wasn't a monster and that it was hard on him. I finally gave in and went to his house and he told me how devastated he was, how he would just stare at his phone all day, how he had withdrawals from me. From that point on, May 2017, we have been seeing each other regularly, sex included, dates, spending time with his friends, but he still doesn't want to get back together. Just last weekend he told me he felt like we were getting into a pattern, a "bad habit" of spending two days out of the weekend together and that we should have no expectations and that I should not have false ones. Yet, he will turn around and text me asking to hang out, then proceed to spend the weekend with me anyway. In addition, I have a chronic health condition and take strong medication once a week. Sometimes I'm bedridden, he insists on coming over to bring food and cuddle with me and even today has texted all morning to make sure I'm ok and see if I need him.
My question is, I am not ready to walk away from him, I love him still so much, but it's now going on 6 months that we have been seeing each other exclusively, and I feel like at some point I will just need to walk away. Do I draw a line in the sand or will this just scare him off?
I think he does love me, he has said its hard for him to feel love, that he thinks he was in love once, but it was fleeting. At this point I am the longest relationship he's had and post break-up he confides in me a lot, is more open and in some respects things are better than before, but I can't deny it hurts that we are not officially back. I'm also petrified he will dump me a second time.
Any thoughts from FA's or anyone would be so appreciated!
Kristy
