Who was he, who was I?

It's hard to let go of a dream, the one that got away and all that. I used to think (as everyone told me as well) that I just hadn't met the right one, but that I would some day. It was only after a lot of self reflecting over past "relationships, situationships, etc" that I realized, I was the one making that a reality. Even though it was all subconscious, I was picking men that could never be the right one. Then, surprise, surprise, I was single again.

If you are FA or AP, I think it takes quite a bit more to realize the "avoidant" in you. You are also avoiding (commitment phobic) even if the strategies are different. It's hard to wrap your head around, if consciously, you want a relationship so badly it hurts. For some people, it's easier to hold on to the past than to push on to the future. Is it another way of not "committing" or not making room for a future partner? Is it the phantom ex? Is it the fear that the next person will be another B? Is is the fear of falling again for the wrong person? To obssess is just questions unanswered.

maryisback @introvert…thank you both for your kind rssponses. I had a great session with my therapist where we discussed my dream and also how I regressed when I missed my pill. I am better now that I am back taking my lexipro…there is no more looping…..but today I got hit with a huge wave of sadness for no reason at al…so I am just letting it be…no labels, no trying to dig into it…just sitting in this space and honoring the tears.

Of course, I'm glad you feel supported.  I personally think tears are important, they have a reason and a purpose.  For me, being able to cry has been an important piece, more lately in my life.  I didn't cry for years.  
It's possible to cry from a wise and patient place, as in, allowing it without becoming lost or overwhelmed .  Although I have had inside out types of cry sessions too where it feels like all your guts are coming out.  I am glad you can be gentle with yourself.

I really appreciate the physiological perspective when dealing with all this.  It's such an intelligent and wise approach.  Emotions, are important- but we always have to remember that we are creatures with physiology designed ultimately for survival- against the external odds and even against the internal odds within ourselves . When we can understand that our inner physiological processes are behind our most baffling and frustrating habits, it takes the shame out (hopefully) or at least gives us another "handle" to pick it up by, instead of shame and self loathing.  That's why I find all the shame and anger directed at insecure people on this board abhorrent- it is just so ugly and limited and, well, uselessly, foolishly shaming of that inside part of us that is trying it's best to survive and find safety and belonging, somehow.  It's actually incredible to me, how creative our survival processes can be even if they are maladaptive.  It's with sharing, growing our understanding, and providing support to one another that we can use our intelligence and growth mindset to develop healing, productive responses to our pain.

Anyway, I get lost down a contemplative path sometimes with it.  But yay for relieving each other of shame and frustration.  There is a reason for all of what we do and we can understand and re-work that stuff when we work together on it.

Ah yes:) I think it's important that we consider all the issues, and brain chemistry is such an important part of it. I am personally a big proponent of medication. Because some of our issues can be solved with modern medication. I am diagnosed ADHD (I developed this as a result of traumas, I believe, I wasn't ADHD as a young child), and ADHD treatment is what's helped the most. I agree with you on the survival processes and I would take it even further - survival of the species. We spend our days figuring out how to be in a relationship, which is essentially to procreate. 

I've followed a few board members over the years and how their pain has gone away and compassion set in, and my own posts, I re-read them every once in a while to remind me how I felt and how I feel now. In a raw sense I still feel the same emotions very intensely, I am still the same person, but the difference is how fast I bounce back now. 

I really feel your pain on this one. And I have some deep answers to it, though perhaps they are just relevant to my situation, I'm not sure.

But I'm loathe to share them with you because you seem to have regained some equilibrium as the thread went on, which made me happy lol.

Kudos

First of all I want to say that you're not alone in the way you feel. As crappy as our situation is I hope there is some sense of solace from knowing others share your pain.

Not all, but most of what you say resonates with me to be honest. even with your crush on that character because there are similarities. If someone looks like my ex, I'm really attracted to them too. And it doesn't even have to be completely, just a similar body type or even just certain mannerisms.

And the way you said you had a dream about going to his wedding too. That really made me empathize. I'm haunted by graphic dreams of my ex in sexual encounters, or romantic situations. And there's just no going back to sleep after that. Though I am glad your mom seems to be offering a supporting role in your dreams at least lol.

You described the correct feeling about seeing them with someone else too. Dread is completely accurate. I wanted to ask if you have had any interaction with him since your break up? including just checking his social media, or even having mutual friends (if you have them) discuss his current situation? etc. Sorry if it's painful to think about. I have my reasons for asking but understand if you skip answering.

For me I think this obsession is a combination of addiction, FA traits, romanticism/sensativity, struggle with finality and unmet emotional needs. I'll try my best to explain. I can't sleep tonight so this may be a long one lol. Apologies.

The addiction part is the easiest and has been adressed in this thread already. Mostly a neurochemical drive to restore some kind of addictive process associated with them, which you haven't been able to replace. Only you can try work out what specifically about them you are addicted to.

FA traits: with my situation, she is now distanced enough from me that I no longer feel threatened by her engulfing or controlling me. But by the real prospect of the loss of her (abandonment). I feel an enormous subconscious drive, fueled by pain and indeed dread, to do just about anything sometimes to try win her back (I think you are in the fear of abandonment or pull phase with B).

So far I have fought it and sat with the pain , because I am almost certain that should I win her back, as soon as she got too close to me I would push her away again anyway. And I just don't want the shame of being that guy anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, subconsciously or not. Would you push B away again or sabotage if the opportunity came up?

For anybody reading this who is hostile to FA's, I completely understand. The push pull dynamic is hard to bear. In fact I'd say it's the hardest to be on the receiving end of all 4 attachment styles, due to the addictive nature of intermittent reinforcement. But please have a shred of compassion. To just be bouncing uncontrollably back and forth between Fear of abandonment, and fear of engulfment for most of your life has exhausted my soul. I'm sure many FA's feel a similar fatigue.

Romanticism/ sensitivity: I'm a sensative guy as discussed with introvert in another of her threads about HSP stuff. And I think you mentioned somewhere you are too tnr9. I believe the rich internal world/ imagination that often accompanies it can also contribute to obsession. A mind like that is a powerful tool, but also sometimes very destructive thing. Our ruminations, nightmares and worries can be creatively cruel and incessant.

Struggle with finality: This could also be worded as a struggle to ACCEPT the intolerable finality of some situations. It's also probably related to fear of commitment I imagine. Not just to relationships, but lots of stuff. I can accept the thought of losing her for 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 maybe even!? But forever! Nope. Can't tolerate the finality of it. Words like never, forever, always......give me the chills. Of course I have commitment problems. Can't commit, can't let go! Welcome to the exhaustion of FA-ness.

Unmet emotional needs: More than likely B met some of your emotional needs that have been neglected since. Or you haven't yet found someone that met them as well as him. I'm told the healthy version is to meet them mostly yourself. But I'm yet to find a way to understand that concept.