Post by tnr9 on Jul 10, 2021 5:05:00 GMT
Not all, but most of what you say resonates with me to be honest. even with your crush on that character because there are similarities. If someone looks like my ex, I'm really attracted to them too. And it doesn't even have to be completely, just a similar body type or even just certain mannerisms.
And the way you said you had a dream about going to his wedding too. That really made me empathize. I'm haunted by graphic dreams of my ex in sexual encounters, or romantic situations. And there's just no going back to sleep after that. Though I am glad your mom seems to be offering a supporting role in your dreams at least lol.
You described the correct feeling about seeing them with someone else too. Dread is completely accurate. I wanted to ask if you have had any interaction with him since your break up? including just checking his social media, or even having mutual friends (if you have them) discuss his current situation? etc. Sorry if it's painful to think about. I have my reasons for asking but understand if you skip answering.
For me I think this obsession is a combination of addiction, FA traits, romanticism/sensativity, struggle with finality and unmet emotional needs. I'll try my best to explain. I can't sleep tonight so this may be a long one lol. Apologies.
The addiction part is the easiest and has been adressed in this thread already. Mostly a neurochemical drive to restore some kind of addictive process associated with them, which you haven't been able to replace. Only you can try work out what specifically about them you are addicted to.
FA traits: with my situation, she is now distanced enough from me that I no longer feel threatened by her engulfing or controlling me. But by the real prospect of the loss of her (abandonment). I feel an enormous subconscious drive, fueled by pain and indeed dread, to do just about anything sometimes to try win her back (I think you are in the fear of abandonment or pull phase with B).
So far I have fought it and sat with the pain , because I am almost certain that should I win her back, as soon as she got too close to me I would push her away again anyway. And I just don't want the shame of being that guy anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, subconsciously or not. Would you push B away again or sabotage if the opportunity came up?
For anybody reading this who is hostile to FA's, I completely understand. The push pull dynamic is hard to bear. In fact I'd say it's the hardest to be on the receiving end of all 4 attachment styles, due to the addictive nature of intermittent reinforcement. But please have a shred of compassion. To just be bouncing uncontrollably back and forth between Fear of abandonment, and fear of engulfment for most of your life has exhausted my soul. I'm sure many FA's feel a similar fatigue.
Romanticism/ sensitivity: I'm a sensative guy as discussed with introvert in another of her threads about HSP stuff. And I think you mentioned somewhere you are too tnr9. I believe the rich internal world/ imagination that often accompanies it can also contribute to obsession. A mind like that is a powerful tool, but also sometimes very destructive thing. Our ruminations, nightmares and worries can be creatively cruel and incessant.
Struggle with finality: This could also be worded as a struggle to ACCEPT the intolerable finality of some situations. It's also probably related to fear of commitment I imagine. Not just to relationships, but lots of stuff. I can accept the thought of losing her for 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 maybe even!? But forever! Nope. Can't tolerate the finality of it. Words like never, forever, always......give me the chills. Of course I have commitment problems. Can't commit, can't let go! Welcome to the exhaustion of FA-ness.
Unmet emotional needs: More than likely B met some of your emotional needs that have been neglected since. Or you haven't yet found someone that met them as well as him. I'm told the healthy version is to meet them mostly yourself. But I'm yet to find a way to understand that concept.