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Post by seeking on Jun 15, 2021 0:07:45 GMT
I'm still single. Still here. After my scary-ish relationship that ended in Nov 2019, I haven't been on a single date. I haven't even talked to anyone. I recently signed up on e-harmony and am still on OkCupid.
But I've been having dream after dream after dream lately of being with different men - don't know who they are. Or even just around them, in awe of someone, waking up with the feeling of there being someone I'm in love with, except just a dream.
I had one last night. And it made me sad- it was maybe a tinge of a guy I talk to on FB but he lives far away and he's not someone I would date. I think there are just facets of him I'm drawn to and adore. So this guy in my dream was a combo of this.
But he was a bit "unreachable" - like literally up on stage, someone I was admiring from afar, we had a connection, but he may have had a GF, I don't know. And suddenly there was this crowd of people and he moved toward me in the crowd and he put his arm around me b/c the connection was magnetic, and it blew me away. And I think something woke me up - ergh.
And it was like one of those things I couldn't stop thinking about all day - the feeling.
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Backstory: I talked to a guy from eHarmony Saturday. One phone convo and it's like I get sent into despair over the idea of commitment. Is that FA or what??
He's nice, available, is "doing his work" as I like to say and that is basically my one big requirement. He's very masculine - was in the army. But I will start to *fixate* -
1. He sold his daughter (age 28) and her husband his truck. Why not just give it to your daughter?
2. He has an accent that I have negative associations with. It's mild.
3. He's not cultured enough maybe? Idk.
So far that's it. And he has one weird-looking pic on eharmony. The rest are fine, though I don't know how old they are.
Oh and he was just saying "Wow, it was really nice talking to you and you're easy to talk to" (I thought the same) but at the same time I said, "I should go feed my kid" and he asked if I wanted to talk again, I said yes, but I had a hunch he thought I was blowing him off. I'm waiting to see if he messages again. I could tell he was into me/impressed by me. I want to feel equally impressed by someone (I'm a snob). And if he doesn't message, I feel like that's a lack of confidence. Like I do actually want to have a second convo but I'm waiting to see if he messages me. And he knew I was out last night....
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So then, of all days - after the dream I had - I see this guy that was like a drug to me years ago. He was a dad at my daughter's school and I was completely obsessed with him. But he never much gave me the time of day and was pretty shy. A ton of women were into him. But he was the first man (I was in my early/mid 40s) that I literally fantasized about. I'd see him at drop off and then go drive to the grocery store and imagine going to a hotel room with him. Like instantly. I'm not really like that. I was also with my daughter's dad when I knew this guy and would instantly (meaning I wasn't trying, didn't want to) fantasize about him when we had sex. I basically never even talked to this guy and whatever he brought up in me was really unsettling. One day, he saw me trying to hold a door open while pushing the grocery cart through and could have come over to help but he didn't. And that day on the way home in the car, I shrieked in my car and cried - I got home and imagined breaking everything I owned. I was certain this was the heart of my rejection/unworthiness issues.
So today, I hear a voice, turn around, and there he is. It was still instant. And because he wouldn't look at me, I felt that rejection pain and immediately turned on myself - my weight, my appearance etc. This is SUCH old stuff for me that really isn't around anymore.
I told a friend that I thought (assumed) when there is attraction like that, it goes both ways.
Anyway, that's where I'm at. Any feedback welcome, as always.
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Post by dullboat123 on Jun 15, 2021 0:46:50 GMT
I get sent into despair over the idea of commitment. Please kick that fear completely or else you are just going to waste another poor soul's time. Please, just stop. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 15, 2021 1:53:00 GMT
I'm still single. Still here. After my scary-ish relationship that ended in Nov 2019, I haven't been on a single date. I haven't even talked to anyone. I recently signed up on e-harmony and am still on OkCupid. But I've been having dream after dream after dream lately of being with different men - don't know who they are. Or even just around them, in awe of someone, waking up with the feeling of there being someone I'm in love with, except just a dream. I had one last night. And it made me sad- it was maybe a tinge of a guy I talk to on FB but he lives far away and he's not someone I would date. I think there are just facets of him I'm drawn to and adore. So this guy in my dream was a combo of this. But he was a bit "unreachable" - like literally up on stage, someone I was admiring from afar, we had a connection, but he may have had a GF, I don't know. And suddenly there was this crowd of people and he moved toward me in the crowd and he put his arm around me b/c the connection was magnetic, and it blew me away. And I think something woke me up - ergh. And it was like one of those things I couldn't stop thinking about all day - the feeling. _________________________ Backstory: I talked to a guy from eHarmony Saturday. One phone convo and it's like I get sent into despair over the idea of commitment. Is that FA or what?? He's nice, available, is "doing his work" as I like to say and that is basically my one big requirement. He's very masculine - was in the army. But I will start to *fixate* - 1. He sold his daughter (age 28) and her husband his truck. Why not just give it to your daughter? 2. He has an accent that I have negative associations with. It's mild. 3. He's not cultured enough maybe? Idk. So far that's it. And he has one weird-looking pic on eharmony. The rest are fine, though I don't know how old they are. Oh and he was just saying "Wow, it was really nice talking to you and you're easy to talk to" (I thought the same) but at the same time I said, "I should go feed my kid" and he asked if I wanted to talk again, I said yes, but I had a hunch he thought I was blowing him off. I'm waiting to see if he messages again. I could tell he was into me/impressed by me. I want to feel equally impressed by someone (I'm a snob). And if he doesn't message, I feel like that's a lack of confidence. Like I do actually want to have a second convo but I'm waiting to see if he messages me. And he knew I was out last night.... _________________________ So then, of all days - after the dream I had - I see this guy that was like a drug to me years ago. He was a dad at my daughter's school and I was completely obsessed with him. But he never much gave me the time of day and was pretty shy. A ton of women were into him. But he was the first man (I was in my early/mid 40s) that I literally fantasized about. I'd see him at drop off and then go drive to the grocery store and imagine going to a hotel room with him. Like instantly. I'm not really like that. I was also with my daughter's dad when I knew this guy and would instantly (meaning I wasn't trying, didn't want to) fantasize about him when we had sex. I basically never even talked to this guy and whatever he brought up in me was really unsettling. One day, he saw me trying to hold a door open while pushing the grocery cart through and could have come over to help but he didn't. And that day on the way home in the car, I shrieked in my car and cried - I got home and imagined breaking everything I owned. I was certain this was the heart of my rejection/unworthiness issues. So today, I hear a voice, turn around, and there he is. It was still instant. And because he wouldn't look at me, I felt that rejection pain and immediately turned on myself - my weight, my appearance etc. This is SUCH old stuff for me that really isn't around anymore. I told a friend that I thought (assumed) when there is attraction like that, it goes both ways. Anyway, that's where I'm at. Any feedback welcome, as always. I think the fact that you are aware of these moments where you are fantasying and your awareness of your own fear of commitment is a great step forward. It is ok to not be ready yet, it is ok to start talking to some guy and then decide that is not right for you....the early stages of dating are just about learning more about that person. |
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Post by annieb on Jun 15, 2021 3:42:52 GMT
Seeking, my old friend. I like the idea of these real life encounters for you because they are more spontaneous and really make you put yourself out there, instead of online dating period. But understand that a crush is a daydream as well. You obviously want a relationship and a commitment or you wouldn't be categorizing yourself as "still single". In words of my therapist, that it is what you want and desire and it will happen for you. But first do the work you need to do to discover yourself and who your real self is. Not the rejected, insecure self, not wrapped up in the rejection/ abandonment daydream, but the real you. And for as long as it takes, you take the time to discover that person, and love and cherish her.
Because when it comes down to it the person you will meet after you've nurtured your real self may not be as crushing of a soulmate as you think they should be. When we judge our potential matches, we prevent the potential of them "abandoning" us. And we are after all that really just abandoning ourselves. That is not to say you need to accept abuse and mistreatment, but it is to say that your potential new relationship will come with the potential of hurting you. In case the relationship doesn't work out, for whatever reason, it will hurt all over again and open your abandonment wounds, but that is one risk we need to take if we want this. And we definitely want it, or otherwise why would we be spending so much time thinking about it? When you were in a bad relationship before, why did you stay? Explore all your reasoning, was it because you would feel like a failure if you abandoned your investment, maybe? List all the reasons you can think of. Write them in a list. And write a list of reasons what you would want in a relationship and what a good relationship would look like and what it would mean and feel. What do you look for in a partner and what do you bring? How a relationship will enrich your life. Try to be as realistic as possible.
I feel your pain acutely, as a fellow FA. I had a breakthrough session today with my therapist, a real rock bottom opening all pain and bawling my eyes out, that started two weeks ago, when I felt almost unreal and detached, in my shame and my pain, and it had been brewing for the last few weeks, when I went through a short dating situation and a breakdown of a budding relationship. Once again. But I had her to catch me, every other Monday on the dot. And for the second time in my life I knew I would be OK. And even if she couldn't be there for whatever reason, I would still be OK, because I knew she would have been there if she could. And my parents would have been if they weren't wrapped up in their own shit. If my dad hadn't died, he would have been there for me. And my mom, and their marriage, if they had better tools at their disposal, maybe therapists and medication, they would have used them, and they would have been there for us. I know they were good people. It had finally become clear how much shame I felt over my neediness and abandonment wounds. Overwhelming shame. All last week I felt it and then little by little I crawled out of it, I hadn't felt the abandonment pain in over a year, since my last dating situation before this. So I know dating will trigger me, I've known it rather consciously for years, but I never acknowledged the shame of it. And just like that I don't feel the shame. I feel compassion.
Then I thought what would I really want to do with my life, if I really truly loved me? Like right now how I feel, that there is whole life ahead of me discovering me. Learning about me. Sure I have a career and hobbies, and accomplishments, but what do I really love and want? How do I want to live going forward?
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 15, 2021 13:31:25 GMT
Seeking, my old friend. I like the idea of these real life encounters for you because they are more spontaneous and really make you put yourself out there, instead of online dating period. But understand that a crush is a daydream as well. You obviously want a relationship and a commitment or you wouldn't be categorizing yourself as "still single". In words of my therapist, that it is what you want and desire and it will happen for you. But first do the work you need to do to discover yourself and who your real self is. Not the rejected, insecure self, not wrapped up in the rejection/ abandonment daydream, but the real you. And for as long as it takes, you take the time to discover that person, and love and cherish her. Because when it comes down to it the person you will meet after you've nurtured your real self may not be as crushing of a soulmate as you think they should be. When we judge our potential matches, we prevent the potential of them "abandoning" us. And we are after all that really just abandoning ourselves. That is not to say you need to accept abuse and mistreatment, but it is to say that your potential new relationship will come with the potential of hurting you. In case the relationship doesn't work out, for whatever reason, it will hurt all over again and open your abandonment wounds, but that is one risk we need to take if we want this. And we definitely want it, or otherwise why would we be spending so much time thinking about it? When you were in a bad relationship before, why did you stay? Explore all your reasoning, was it because you would feel like a failure if you abandoned your investment, maybe? List all the reasons you can think of. Write them in a list. And write a list of reasons what you would want in a relationship and what a good relationship would look like and what it would mean and feel. What do you look for in a partner and what do you bring? How a relationship will enrich your life. Try to be as realistic as possible. I feel your pain acutely, as a fellow FA. I had a breakthrough session today with my therapist, a real rock bottom opening all pain and bawling my eyes out, that started two weeks ago, when I felt almost unreal and detached, in my shame and my pain, and it had been brewing for the last few weeks, when I went through a short dating situation and a breakdown of a budding relationship. Once again. But I had her to catch me, every other Monday on the dot. And for the second time in my life I knew I would be OK. And even if she couldn't be there for whatever reason, I would still be OK, because I knew she would have been there if she could. And my parents would have been if they weren't wrapped up in their own shit. If my dad hadn't died, he would have been there for me. And my mom, and their marriage, if they had better tools at their disposal, maybe therapists and medication, they would have used them, and they would have been there for us. I know they were good people. It had finally become clear how much shame I felt over my neediness and abandonment wounds. Overwhelming shame. All last week I felt it and then little by little I crawled out of it, I hadn't felt the abandonment pain in over a year, since my last dating situation before this. So I know dating will trigger me, I've known it rather consciously for years, but I never acknowledged the shame of it. And just like that I don't feel the shame. I feel compassion. Then I thought what would I really want to do with my life, if I really truly loved me? Like right now how I feel, that there is whole life ahead of me discovering me. Learning about me. Sure I have a career and hobbies, and accomplishments, but what do I really love and want? How do I want to live going forward? Completely agree Annie. Fantasies are safe because there is no chance of being abandoned, and there was a time when fantasy protected us..because we could not grasp that our parents were fallible and complex. I also agree that we abandon ourselves when we don’t allow the chance at a relationship by over analyzing the other person or comparing that person to a fantasy. We are all on a journey...a runner cannot judge how for she has gone by looking at herself....she must look at her surroundings to see the change. I often do check is with my friends and am always told I am further along then I think. Good luck on your journey. |
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 15, 2021 17:19:09 GMT
I think you should keep getting to know the guy, even if there's some things that might not feel "perfect." So far, nothing screams red flag. I can think of several instances where I wasn't terribly attracted to someone at first, or thought they weren't right for me, but then as I got to know them we found more things in common, and/or they became very attractive to me over time.
That intense dream, I could really feel that emotionally as I read it. I can relate to the feeling of wanting someone to please just come to me, bring on the passionate love. Sadly, early dating isn't the time for fireworks. My understanding is, for someone with attachment disorders, if you're feeling fireworks very early on, you're probably either being triggered or lovebombed and should run.
It sounds like you're being very intentional about what you want. You know you want a fulfilling, healthy relationship, you know why and how you sometimes get in your own way. I understanding it's a frustrating, slow process, but for what it's worth I think you're on the right track.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 15, 2021 19:27:39 GMT
In this situation, you've put a lot in to assess and respond within yourself to someone you talked to once and haven't yet met in person. Slow it down! While you have a few points that may be yellow flags for you so far, you didn't share anything about this new man that should be any sort of dealbreaker just yet. You've jumped quite far ahead and are putting together a picture in your head of him in which you're filling in a lot of blanks. You don't know him yet at all, almost everything you're experiencing is conjecture and has more to do with you and where you're at than with him. Try to stay present, you're not racing to labels and a relationship as a means to an end. I don't think it's a coincidence that you finished your potential date phone call and then had a dream where you longed for someone unavailable. This immediately puts distance between you and the phone guy. And the other man you talked about -- you're still much more comfortable in fantasy than with a real prospect. That's good information you're getting from yourself that's worth exploring. I seem to remember that last you posted, you were coming up with your what we'll call love vision, what you wanted your next relationship to be like and the kind of man that might be able to be a good fit for it. But now you're describing sparks and longing and fantasy ideals while back to feeling wary of men who want to talk to you, questioning their intentions with very little to go on, feeling stifled by commitment. Are you actually looking for a relationship now? Just looking for some connection because you're lonely? Looking for fantasy and distraction from stress? What "progress" are you looking to make? Do you mean you haven't met anyone for dating still? Are you discounting your personal progress that's unrelated to dating? As tnr9 said, you've probably made more than you think, don't discount yourself. |
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Post by iceprincess11 on Sept 12, 2021 0:39:17 GMT
Seeking, I relate to your post. I've been since since 2019 also. I've gone on some first meets since then but they were all only 1 meetup. I feel like my fearful avoidant attachment is getting worse the older I get. My last couple relationships were 3 and 2 yrs and both were betrayals, leaving me for someone else. It's hard to trust again in dating. I too fantasize about having the ideal relationship with the ideal guy. Sometimes I pick a guy I know and fantasize he could be a great boyfriend if only. Something I noticed is that every guy I've fantasized about - none of them pursue me or make it clear they would want to date me. It's like I'm only attracted to distant guys, like only avoidant attachment styles. I doubt that I'm attracted to secure guys and I run for the hills from anxious attachments. My problem with chronically single is I can't seem to get a relationship off the ground. I'm very guarded and struggle with vulnerability and getting close to romantic interests so how can a relationship come about? Seems impossible. Especially when I only long for avoidants. I only use online dating. As I have heard before, as fearful avoidants we want love so badly but we're terrified of it. Just found this forum, I don't feel so alone struggling with these things. I watch other women get relationships so easily and I don't know how they do it.
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