Post by fullmoonrising on Jun 15, 2021 0:09:32 GMT
A breakup brought me here, and I do have Jeb's book, and am self aware about my attachment style of being a fearful avoidant. There is nothing more I want than a connection with a partner, however the following patterns in me, which I want to address, have prevented me from really being in an amazing relationship.
In the beginning, everything seems fine, because the stakes are very low, and you are just trying to get to know your partner to see if there is compatibility for a connection. The honeymoon phase, which is the easy part.
Until there is conflict. Not conflict in the sense of fighting, but it could be as your partner expressing their needs to you.
This is what I have done, and do not want to repeat this...ever.
1. Distancing - Either through not being consistent on the communication, or just being emotionally unavailable, which causes the other person to feel invalidated, and not secure.
TO NOTE, I was dating an Anxious Attached style.
2. Not taking steps to meet friends early on --- It could be a brunch, it could be a request to join them on a trip to the islands with family and friends.
Granted, these requests were asked in the first month or so of dating, however I declined, and knew this would not deepen the connection. I was not being mean,
I believe I was just protecting myself from being so vulnerable in the beginning, which I should have leaned into faith, and not let my ego run the show.
3. Shutting Down Emotionally - When my partner would tell me that she needed to be top priority and not my work, I started to shut down. My fight or flight mode kicked in, and I was detaching from what
was happening. Perhaps from something in my childhood, I don't know. But I felt a desire to run from the situation, as I did not have a logical answer to respond with. This is also called emotional
hijacking, where your Amygdala floods your brain with chemicals, before your Cortex can be rational. It sucks, and I believe if we both discussed our needs early on, and had agreements for when things
like this came up, it would have been a chance to be more accepting of me, as she didn't have the bandwidth to have any acceptance for my avoidant behavior.
I will be doing shadow work the next 6 months with a professional, so I can work on this side of me, which I am very upset about. This was the 2nd relationship in the last year I ruined because of my FA behavior.
This one felt like it was better, in the sense she was a therapist, and might have some understanding and compassion with me, however at the end, she said she could not date another avoidant, and my patterns reminded her of prior relationships.
I will be working more on me, so I can become whole, and really communicate my needs better, and drop into more Faith based relating, vs going back into my shell.
In the beginning, everything seems fine, because the stakes are very low, and you are just trying to get to know your partner to see if there is compatibility for a connection. The honeymoon phase, which is the easy part.
Until there is conflict. Not conflict in the sense of fighting, but it could be as your partner expressing their needs to you.
This is what I have done, and do not want to repeat this...ever.
1. Distancing - Either through not being consistent on the communication, or just being emotionally unavailable, which causes the other person to feel invalidated, and not secure.
TO NOTE, I was dating an Anxious Attached style.
2. Not taking steps to meet friends early on --- It could be a brunch, it could be a request to join them on a trip to the islands with family and friends.
Granted, these requests were asked in the first month or so of dating, however I declined, and knew this would not deepen the connection. I was not being mean,
I believe I was just protecting myself from being so vulnerable in the beginning, which I should have leaned into faith, and not let my ego run the show.
3. Shutting Down Emotionally - When my partner would tell me that she needed to be top priority and not my work, I started to shut down. My fight or flight mode kicked in, and I was detaching from what
was happening. Perhaps from something in my childhood, I don't know. But I felt a desire to run from the situation, as I did not have a logical answer to respond with. This is also called emotional
hijacking, where your Amygdala floods your brain with chemicals, before your Cortex can be rational. It sucks, and I believe if we both discussed our needs early on, and had agreements for when things
like this came up, it would have been a chance to be more accepting of me, as she didn't have the bandwidth to have any acceptance for my avoidant behavior.
I will be doing shadow work the next 6 months with a professional, so I can work on this side of me, which I am very upset about. This was the 2nd relationship in the last year I ruined because of my FA behavior.
This one felt like it was better, in the sense she was a therapist, and might have some understanding and compassion with me, however at the end, she said she could not date another avoidant, and my patterns reminded her of prior relationships.
I will be working more on me, so I can become whole, and really communicate my needs better, and drop into more Faith based relating, vs going back into my shell.
