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Post by invert12 on Oct 25, 2017 21:42:52 GMT
So I'm an anxious male, mid 20's dating an anxious female mid 20's as well. Her insecurities about our relationship ie. she thinks I'm going to break up with her all the time has actually made me feel more secure, and I always give her reassurance, and our relationship has been pretty great as we both have given each other a lot of attention.
However, we have recently become long distance and for some reason I feel my worth is now tied to sex. I tend to get jealous when she masturbates even though I'm not around. I keep thinking, why can't she wait 2 more days and then sex will be so much better. I see her every weekend still, and usually 1 day during the week. I guess I'm really just insecure about sex and feel like she gets off better when she does it herself, and I'm not sure why because sex is usually better than masturbation, especially because I can get her off 99% of the time (sorry if TMI).
But anyways, anyone this is a peculiar situation, it's like I feel the need to find something wrong with myself, because I'm secure she wont break up with me I feel that we will stop having good sex because she likes masturbation better, even though this is irrational.
Thoughts? (I know, I'm crazy)
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Post by gaynxious on Oct 28, 2017 3:12:50 GMT
I believe the book Attached mentions that APs often equate their value to their partner with sexual interest. Also as APs we desire every kind of intimacy and sex is one of them. In my anxious avoidant relationship I was really deeply hurt when my ex didn't want to have sex. We were open (gay relationship) and that surprisingly didn't bother me but often I would be jealous that guys were often more interested in him than me.
I'm casually seeing (like intense friends with benefits) another anxious man now and I find myself avoidant with him. We had an issue where he no longer wanted us to have full on sex because we had some compatibility and reciprocity issues that began to affect his sense of self worth. That was very difficult for me to process and it took a while. We ultimately managed to find a way to both be satisfied with our sex although I think we both wish it happened more frequently and that it were less of a compromise.
Anyways I think APs wrap a lot of feels up in sex and the feeling of being sexually desired. I know part of why I stayed with my ex and part about why I enjoy my anxious partner so much is that my sex life is greatly improved in that I get to have sex with hotter guys than I would on my own and that ellivates my sense of self worth but it also creates a sense of jealousy, inadequacy, and emotional dependence.
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Post by jaleesa on Nov 4, 2017 10:44:55 GMT
So I'm an anxious male, mid 20's dating an anxious female mid 20's as well. Her insecurities about our relationship ie. she thinks I'm going to break up with her all the time has actually made me feel more secure, and I always give her reassurance, and our relationship has been pretty great as we both have given each other a lot of attention. However, we have recently become long distance and for some reason I feel my worth is now tied to sex. I tend to get jealous when she masturbates even though I'm not around. I keep thinking, why can't she wait 2 more days and then sex will be so much better. I see her every weekend still, and usually 1 day during the week. I guess I'm really just insecure about sex and feel like she gets off better when she does it herself, and I'm not sure why because sex is usually better than masturbation, especially because I can get her off 99% of the time (sorry if TMI). But anyways, anyone this is a peculiar situation, it's like I feel the need to find something wrong with myself, because I'm secure she wont break up with me I feel that we will stop having good sex because she likes masturbation better, even though this is irrational. Thoughts? (I know, I'm crazy) You're not crazy! Have you already tried to talk about it with her? Why do you think she likes masturbation better? Is this something she said? I remember feeling rejected whenever my DA ex didn't want to have sex with me, even though we had sex 3/4 times a week. I couldn't connect with him on an emotional level, so for this reason my worth was tied to having sex. This way I felt like he was still attracted to me, because he couldn't give me reassurance in any other way. Wasn't aware of this at the time though. It was very superficial but it seems like you guys are connected on an emotional level, so I would say: Communication is key! Talk about it before you're mind is going to play tricks with you  Edit: Maybe this helps. I'm dating right now with someone long distance. We see each other every 2 weeks and I reallyyyy enjoy having sex with him, but I also masturbate when he's not around. Just because I'm horny sometimes (sorry). Nothing more, mothing less. This has nothing to do with him! Just being human |
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Post by abolish on Nov 4, 2017 11:24:55 GMT
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soho
Junior Member
Posts: 54 
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Post by soho on Nov 5, 2017 20:35:37 GMT
I'm not the best person to advice you on this, but it's important you communicate well and then trust your partner.
Allow me to quote No More Mr Nice Guy: "Good sex consists of two people taking full responsibility for meeting their own needs. It has no goal." ... "I told him the goal (of a sex moratorium) was not to get her to have more sex, but for him to reclaim his key and stop feeling like a victim."
Try not to take it personally. As long as you have great sex when you're together it should be fine.
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