Post by elion on Oct 26, 2017 1:12:21 GMT
Hi,
I've recently discovered this forum and found it very helpful. I need help with figuring out how to respond to what I believe is FA or DA behavior.
I met a girl last summer. She told me she liked me and gave me her number and we met up, talked for hours, and hooked up. We were immediately very comfortable with one another. I'm not casual about sleeping with women, and told her so from the start. She told me she wasn't either. However, I should say she did mention she had problems dating men, and also a troubled relationship with her father. This was on our first night. She asked me if I thought we'd meet again, and I told her I didn't know, but we could see, as I didn't know whether she wanted this to go any further, but I let her know I liked her a lot and hoped we would. We talked for hours and realized we had a great connection, great chemistry and a lot in common. She left for home and immediately sent me an email to tell me how amazing this connection was, and how unforgettable our time together, and asked me if I felt this too, and whether I thought it was special too. I told her yes of course, and said I was thinking about her. She told me she was too. We stayed in touch. The first red flag I suppose was when I told her I would be visiting friends in her home country in a few weeks time and so we could meet up if she wanted to. I was casual about this, but also serious enough so she knew it wasn't a cheap promise. She didn't reply. She did send me a few love songs and a few notes that were about meeting people who made you feel love and affection and changed your life. I wrote to her again, when the time of my arrival in her country was a few days away and she said she could probably meet me, after all. Her aloofness kind of puzzled me, so I didn't get my hopes up. I wanted to spend time with her, to know her better and see if the connection was there. I told her I was happy to see her and she told me she was happy too. We met up and she immediately kissed me. I was kind of surprised as I'd thought she had changed her mind about me but thought I had misread her cold-warm responses wrong, and we had an amazing time. She told me I was silly for thinking she wouldn't meet up as she had asked me out when we first met. Once again she told me how amazing she found our time together, and how comfortable and relaxed she felt with me, and she held my hand and acted like we were a couple. She initiated most of these gestures, as I didn't want her to feel like she had to respond to contact she wasn't comfortable with, as this was all fairly new, but it felt natural and it was basically just really nice and spontaneous and we were both very attracted to one another. However, right in the middle of all this, she told me she wasn't ready to be in a relationship and needed to work on herself. I told her I liked her a lot but was patient and she didn't need to worry. I meant this, and I still mean it. Meanwhile, we kissed, and she kept holding my hand and hugging me. We kissed goodbye, and she sent me another love song as she was leaving. We had made plans to meet again, and she said she hoped we would meet again. But she didn't want me to call her, and this is one of the things I've been reading in most posts...Anyway, I went back home and send her a message once in a while to show her that I was thinking of her, without asking her to reply, or reminding her of us meeting up again. That being said, I'm very open in communicating my love for others, and don't feel like I have to pretend not to care. I think that's unhealthy. I believe in being open and generous without demanding the same from my partner...I'm fairly independent and like my own space as well. I accept love is a slow process, even if it starts with a spark...So I just expressed love and affection, asked her about her life, and kept a healthy distance (which was there anyway, as we were in different countries). But it turns out that wasn't enough. She kept telling she would write soon and she was sorry, and she stopped putting kisses at the end of her messages. Sometimes it seemed she was annoyed if I asked her about her life. I just told her everything was okay, as I knew she was busy with her studies etc so I told her not worry about me as I knew this might push her away if she already felt overwhelmed by other commitments. But then she ghosted me for several weeks after a message to say she would write the next day. I do believe that what triggered this was the fact that I'd booked a flight to visit friends in her country and so the possibility of us meeting was once again very real. I waited until I worried, because I also knew she was having some health problems, so texted her to ask if she was okay. Nothing more, because, again, at this point, I had a feeling she might be of the avoidant type and I didn't want her to feel pressured. When I told her about my visit, I didn't ask her if she wanted to meet, I just told her I would be near her soon, so she had the option of letting me know when she was ready, or just ignore it. And again, a long silence. Which I accepted as I knew she was probably busy. Today I basically received a very cold and distant break-up email. She tells me she cannot give me what I need, and she doesn't want to waste my time, and she needs to be free and independent etc. And all these things are things we talked about and agreed upon, but she seems to fear losing control over her life and emotions. She tells me that even though she loves our time together, and thinks I'm amazing, she cannot be with me because she cannot meet my expectations... And what is even worse is that once again, she says she hopes we will meet again, and hopes we can stay in touch, which is exactly what I've been offering... What strikes me is the punctuation. It's as if she wrote it without any feeling. She signed off her own name with a full stop. I just want to know how to respond to this? It seems so sudden and totally unlike her. It's true I had hopes of meeting up, but was persuaded it was reciprocated and so felt pretty relaxed up to the point where she started to ghost on me and gave me all these one line answers to my questions. I really do like her very much and think it would be a shame to lose this connection, but don't know what to write in response. Is it best to reach out, or is it wiser to wait for her to write again (if she ever does.) Is this what they call "testing behavior?" She says she doesn't want me to wait, and she doesn't want to promise anything. Is there a way I can be there for her, express my love, give her space, and make sure she knows it? Apologies for the long message but it's kind of fresh so wanted to put it all on paper. Thanks for your help.
I've recently discovered this forum and found it very helpful. I need help with figuring out how to respond to what I believe is FA or DA behavior.
I met a girl last summer. She told me she liked me and gave me her number and we met up, talked for hours, and hooked up. We were immediately very comfortable with one another. I'm not casual about sleeping with women, and told her so from the start. She told me she wasn't either. However, I should say she did mention she had problems dating men, and also a troubled relationship with her father. This was on our first night. She asked me if I thought we'd meet again, and I told her I didn't know, but we could see, as I didn't know whether she wanted this to go any further, but I let her know I liked her a lot and hoped we would. We talked for hours and realized we had a great connection, great chemistry and a lot in common. She left for home and immediately sent me an email to tell me how amazing this connection was, and how unforgettable our time together, and asked me if I felt this too, and whether I thought it was special too. I told her yes of course, and said I was thinking about her. She told me she was too. We stayed in touch. The first red flag I suppose was when I told her I would be visiting friends in her home country in a few weeks time and so we could meet up if she wanted to. I was casual about this, but also serious enough so she knew it wasn't a cheap promise. She didn't reply. She did send me a few love songs and a few notes that were about meeting people who made you feel love and affection and changed your life. I wrote to her again, when the time of my arrival in her country was a few days away and she said she could probably meet me, after all. Her aloofness kind of puzzled me, so I didn't get my hopes up. I wanted to spend time with her, to know her better and see if the connection was there. I told her I was happy to see her and she told me she was happy too. We met up and she immediately kissed me. I was kind of surprised as I'd thought she had changed her mind about me but thought I had misread her cold-warm responses wrong, and we had an amazing time. She told me I was silly for thinking she wouldn't meet up as she had asked me out when we first met. Once again she told me how amazing she found our time together, and how comfortable and relaxed she felt with me, and she held my hand and acted like we were a couple. She initiated most of these gestures, as I didn't want her to feel like she had to respond to contact she wasn't comfortable with, as this was all fairly new, but it felt natural and it was basically just really nice and spontaneous and we were both very attracted to one another. However, right in the middle of all this, she told me she wasn't ready to be in a relationship and needed to work on herself. I told her I liked her a lot but was patient and she didn't need to worry. I meant this, and I still mean it. Meanwhile, we kissed, and she kept holding my hand and hugging me. We kissed goodbye, and she sent me another love song as she was leaving. We had made plans to meet again, and she said she hoped we would meet again. But she didn't want me to call her, and this is one of the things I've been reading in most posts...Anyway, I went back home and send her a message once in a while to show her that I was thinking of her, without asking her to reply, or reminding her of us meeting up again. That being said, I'm very open in communicating my love for others, and don't feel like I have to pretend not to care. I think that's unhealthy. I believe in being open and generous without demanding the same from my partner...I'm fairly independent and like my own space as well. I accept love is a slow process, even if it starts with a spark...So I just expressed love and affection, asked her about her life, and kept a healthy distance (which was there anyway, as we were in different countries). But it turns out that wasn't enough. She kept telling she would write soon and she was sorry, and she stopped putting kisses at the end of her messages. Sometimes it seemed she was annoyed if I asked her about her life. I just told her everything was okay, as I knew she was busy with her studies etc so I told her not worry about me as I knew this might push her away if she already felt overwhelmed by other commitments. But then she ghosted me for several weeks after a message to say she would write the next day. I do believe that what triggered this was the fact that I'd booked a flight to visit friends in her country and so the possibility of us meeting was once again very real. I waited until I worried, because I also knew she was having some health problems, so texted her to ask if she was okay. Nothing more, because, again, at this point, I had a feeling she might be of the avoidant type and I didn't want her to feel pressured. When I told her about my visit, I didn't ask her if she wanted to meet, I just told her I would be near her soon, so she had the option of letting me know when she was ready, or just ignore it. And again, a long silence. Which I accepted as I knew she was probably busy. Today I basically received a very cold and distant break-up email. She tells me she cannot give me what I need, and she doesn't want to waste my time, and she needs to be free and independent etc. And all these things are things we talked about and agreed upon, but she seems to fear losing control over her life and emotions. She tells me that even though she loves our time together, and thinks I'm amazing, she cannot be with me because she cannot meet my expectations... And what is even worse is that once again, she says she hopes we will meet again, and hopes we can stay in touch, which is exactly what I've been offering... What strikes me is the punctuation. It's as if she wrote it without any feeling. She signed off her own name with a full stop. I just want to know how to respond to this? It seems so sudden and totally unlike her. It's true I had hopes of meeting up, but was persuaded it was reciprocated and so felt pretty relaxed up to the point where she started to ghost on me and gave me all these one line answers to my questions. I really do like her very much and think it would be a shame to lose this connection, but don't know what to write in response. Is it best to reach out, or is it wiser to wait for her to write again (if she ever does.) Is this what they call "testing behavior?" She says she doesn't want me to wait, and she doesn't want to promise anything. Is there a way I can be there for her, express my love, give her space, and make sure she knows it? Apologies for the long message but it's kind of fresh so wanted to put it all on paper. Thanks for your help.
