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Post by mrob on Jul 5, 2021 14:44:21 GMT
The irony. I came here because I was repeating a pattern and leaving wreckage everywhere. This time, the boot was well and truly on the other foot. I find it easy to pick attachment styles reasonably quickly. So, I played the game (not really a game, I hope you understand), but I found myself becoming more and more anxious as she was pulling away. So, tonight, I find myself in a situation that was never going to end any other way.
The gavel had already come down once, and I saw that same fizzed out, blank look of bewilderment I gave the lady to whom my actions brought me here. I knew when she contacted me again that she was on the “come back” stage, and three months later, after a crisis in her life, she pushes me away then ends it. I intellectually get it, and it’s still baffling, and really bloody sad.
I suppose this is a message to any partner tho thinks that even by managing themselves, knowing this stuff might help, it helped my self regulation and grip on reality. But, it’s not going to stop the inevitable. Once an FA deactivates, that’s it. You’re participating in a cycle that can’t be reversed,
I did the best I could this time, and I can see how far I’ve come. I was consistent, empathetic and vulnerable. Thanks to this site in particular. I’m very grateful.
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Post by annieb on Jul 5, 2021 17:56:38 GMT
All things considering you did great. Being open and vulnerable and making an effort to grow is all we can do. We are not guaranteed happiness at the end of this, nor security. We are emotionally unavailable ourselves if we insist on seeing emotionally unavailable people. And if in the midst of it we have a fair shot of putting ourselves out there then that is all we can do. Going forward, try to cut these relationships short, like really short; one or two dates, tops; if you see any red flags. Even if you “fall” for someone, you’re still out if you see red flags. It will hurt not to see them, but you’re better off. We are not a rehab center for broken people. And they are not there to negatively validate us.
If a relationship is what we seek then in due time we will find it. But emphasis needs to be on the health of it. If it’s a positive influence on our life, our mood, if it brings us joy to know that there is someone in the long run there with us and if their behavior doesn’t trigger us, but soothes us, we can proceed. No rollercoasters of emotions. Security and peace.
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Post by mrob on Jul 6, 2021 10:44:32 GMT
The thing is, that If I ditched at the first red flag, I’d never even get to meet someone. As a 45 year old bloke, there aren’t a lot of options. It’s difficult to get to talk to anyone to start with, then the majority of profiles are really scary. Where I live is very outdoorsy, very alcohol driven, and very coarse. I’m not those things… although I can be a bit loud at times. This is my second time with quiet introverts, which has been different, but I can handle the slower pace.
I acknowledge that I’m full of red flags too, so it would be the pot calling the kettle black if I bailed at the first sign. This whole silly mess shows me how much my second wife showed me in her actions when we were married, and how far I've come through being here. I have no idea where to from here, though.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 6, 2021 13:44:31 GMT
mrob, awareness and better self-regulation is still progress, especially the latter! FWIW, when I was sitting where you are, after I was aware and more secure than before and my FA ex deactivated again for our last breakup, I was still upset though less bewildered. More importantly, I could objectively look at the cycle from start to finish (and look back and retrospect on other exes too) and I finally truly felt like I'd done the best I could, which was the final step towards full acceptance that I was lacking in previous breakup processing. Just approaching the breakup from that space after the other work I did on myself prior increased my security a lot. My next selection several months later was an FA who I knew was FA by the end of date 2, with whom it never got serious because I walked away since it wouldn't lead to what I wanted (though I was somewhat attached to him). And after that, I did start leaving at the first sign of insecure attachment because I'd finally learned the lesson over and over about how those situations played out enough times and wanted something different. But it still took more time to get there, which started from handling the second breakup with the long-term FA ex in a much healthier way than I had before. You are likely doing better than you currently think, even though you're still in your process. I understand how difficult it is to worry you may not have good options when you're dating older (I've shared this concern in the past, and we have plenty of posts that pop up on the board about it). It's tricky but not impossible if you put up healthy boundaries, and having that fear that only insecurely styled options are left is part of the scarcity mentality narrative. Once I decided to really start leaving those situations after 1 or 2 dates from learning my lesson, the quality of my dating experiences greatly improved. But, yes, it did lead to fewer repeat dates. I do think that considering it hypocritical to not pursue people with red flags just because you still have them too is flawed... it's not hypocritical because you're still trying to self-actualize and don't need someone else's unrelated issues to trigger you more. It's okay to hold out for someone not triggering once you have processed the current situation and are ready to try to date again.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2021 13:02:19 GMT
I'm glad you're finding growth, and also get the age concern. FWIW I am over 50, young looking but still over 50, and I was convinced that my options were limited (which was ok). BUT, all it takes is one right person.
Online dating was a farce for me just because I swiped left through hundreds, or accepted dates for the wrong reasons (sexual attraction). When I met my SO, I was alone in a public space doing what I love. I didn't recognize him from his online profile at that point, btw. I declined his company because I wanted to be alone, and I've told the story before- we became acquainted and he asked me out months later. I was never attracted to him physically for all that time. Until after we went out, now he's the handsomest guy. He was one of the guys I swiped left on because I didn't feel attraction from his PiCTURES. Pictures are a terrible representation haha. He's not a conventionally attractive man but there is so much about him that is alluring to me that I could not and did not see in his profile. People put up the wrong stuff.... Anyway, someone once said online dating is a numbers game and I personally just can't do volume but it's something to think about....
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2021 13:03:42 GMT
P.S. - I didn't only swipe left I decline an invitation after a brief chat. We never speak of it. 😂
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 7, 2021 15:05:44 GMT
The thing is, that If I ditched at the first red flag, I’d never even get to meet someone. As a 45 year old bloke, there aren’t a lot of options. It’s difficult to get to talk to anyone to start with, then the majority of profiles are really scary. Where I live is very outdoorsy, very alcohol driven, and very coarse. I’m not those things… although I can be a bit loud at times. This is my second time with quiet introverts, which has been different, but I can handle the slower pace. I acknowledge that I’m full of red flags too, so it would be the pot calling the kettle black if I bailed at the first sign. This whole silly mess shows me how much my second wife showed me in her actions when we were married, and how far I've come through being here. I have no idea where to from here, though. I understand this line of reasoning….it is a slightly different flavor of my seeing potential in a guy because I want him to see the potential in me. The thing is….and I know you are aware of this…by taking that approach, you and I are not being our own best advocates. You are not a hypocrite for leaving after you sense red flags…even if there are things that would not be red flags for others. It truly is about honoring yourself by using the tools you have gained and well as the lessons from your previous relationships. There are millions of single people in this world and I do believe there are plenty that have either earned secure or are secure. Wishing you all the best. 🙂 |
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Post by annieb on Jul 7, 2021 20:26:39 GMT
The thing is, that If I ditched at the first red flag, I’d never even get to meet someone. As a 45 year old bloke, there aren’t a lot of options. It’s difficult to get to talk to anyone to start with, then the majority of profiles are really scary. Where I live is very outdoorsy, very alcohol driven, and very coarse. I’m not those things… although I can be a bit loud at times. This is my second time with quiet introverts, which has been different, but I can handle the slower pace. I acknowledge that I’m full of red flags too, so it would be the pot calling the kettle black if I bailed at the first sign. This whole silly mess shows me how much my second wife showed me in her actions when we were married, and how far I've come through being here. I have no idea where to from here, though. But it's ok, one of the best things we learn in our healing journey is that we may stay alone for the rest of our lives, but at least we will be content. That thought gives me solace that even though I am alone, I am calm and happy. Insecurely attached relationships are not an answer for us. Trying to change yourself to make it work, and trying to change the other person, and being perpetually anxious and avoidant and dismissive and what have you, we really don't need our defense systems to be any more activated and our defensive narratives replayed. Especially at 45, we have paid our dues. I personally at 41 refuse to get into an insecurely attached relationship. I can not do another one of those and I will purposefully and actively filter out guys with red flags. I just got involved with someone recently briefly, who I suspect was FA, and it was just the same shit all over again. Why would I want to subject myself to this? |
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Post by mrob on Jan 15, 2022 1:51:48 GMT
Well, after to-Ing and fro-ing, I called it yesterday. I wasn't prepared to tolerate bad behaviour, regardless of the cause. I chose to save myself, and actively be my own advocate for the first time. I cannot say how grateful I am to everyone here for the support even when you’re just doing your own thing between yourselves.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2022 2:45:26 GMT
Well, after to-Ing and fro-ing, I called it yesterday. I wasn't prepared to tolerate bad behaviour, regardless of the cause. I chose to save myself, and actively be my own advocate for the first time. I cannot say how grateful I am to everyone here for the support even when you’re just doing your own thing between yourselves. This is huge!!!! Congratulations on this huge progress. So cool. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 15, 2022 5:05:59 GMT
That's great news! The first times I did that, I'd still sometimes feel back and forth about it right after, but sticking with it was a big step in my pursuit of self-worth and not abandoning myself. Even if it turns out to be a little rough going coming up, stay the course. It really is a powerful step forward!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2022 5:23:32 GMT
That's great news! The first times I did that, I'd still sometimes feel back and forth about it right after, but sticking with it was a big step in my pursuit of self-worth and not abandoning myself. Even if it turns out to be a little rough going coming up, stay the course. It really is a powerful step forward! My experience as well! |
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Post by mrob on Jan 15, 2022 8:32:55 GMT
Thanks folks. It’s tough, though! Yesterday and today have been relentless with phone calls from “no caller ID”, even her ex partner trying to be an intermediary with a car I bought and loaned her. I’ve never experienced this before. Trauma bonding is easy, but empty. Some people are bottomless pits, and I’ve been one myself. I hope it never happens again.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2022 18:10:36 GMT
I remember the last cringey relationship I had before the tide turned. What a doozy. I'd never be able to walk into something like that again- and I haven't. It does get better if you're learning and growing.
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