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Post by sylvesta on Jul 8, 2021 16:51:34 GMT
During covid lockdown, I met my DA when he approached me on social media, because of a rather obscure shared interest. We gradually started talking more, discovering we have an incredible amount in common, shared interests and values. He lives twenty miles from me, so not incredibly long distance. He wanted to meet - which I delayed until due to covid. I soon learned that he is dismissive avoidant from my therapist.
Apparently I am anxious avoidant. As I was in the process of learning about all of this, I was triggered, and said things that activated him. He went silent on me for a few weeks. In the last two days he has started engaging with my FB posts in a way that signals he is approaching me again, wanting to feel close. For example, he used the word "we" in a fairly intimate way in his comments on my public posts.
But then I realize this morning he has our Facebook chat on ignore. That was like a kick in the gut. Yesterday, it showed that he had looked at our chat after weeks. Apparently I have NO way of communicating with him. It's not like I have been trying to, but it's just jarring to see that someone who referenced us moving to another country together cannot bear to hear from me.
In my mind, this is a terrible thing. But from what I have learned about the DA, it seems he is approaching me again after distancing hard when I shared emotional intensity with him.
Can someone help me understand what is going on at this point? IS he approaching me again? If so, how is that likely to play out? I'm sure I have encountered DAs before and just blew it, but I have never seen this before with the understanding I have of DAs now, so... I have never seen anything like this before, and struggle to know what I am dealing with.
He is worth the trouble. He is an incredible man, and our connection is breathtakingly deep and gratifying - when he is present. I have never known anyone I connected with so deeply before, and I want that. I know that part of him wants it too, from what he has said about that.
Please help me understand...
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star
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Post by star on Jul 8, 2021 19:56:56 GMT
Hi there! I think it's great you are aware of yours (and his) attachment issues so early on. that is huge.
I'm pretty new to learning about attachment theory, it only started after my breakup 2 months ago with a DA/FA. After almost 3 years together, I am still struggling with the aftermath. Feeling like I was doing all the work to move things forward, rollercoastering between feeling like I wasn't enough for him and wondering if the lack of intimacy was a direct reflection on my level of attractiveness.
My point is, when you say he is worth the trouble, what does that really mean? Are you really willing to do this yo yo push/pull give/take stay/ghost? Are you really willing to hold on to what is already a rocky start to see that through?
For me, being with someone with an avoidant attachment was like a death by a thousand paper cuts to my self esteem. I really didn't understand the full effect til after when I could look at the relationship objectively. Now that I have awareness about attachment theory, I would avoid DAs/FAs- unless they were self aware and actively addressing their issues.
Don't fall in love with potential. My ex was also an incredible person when he was present- funny, warm, successful, handsome, intelligent, deep, sensitive. etc. etc. He was in therapy and said he was trying, which I think he was, but the actions never matched up to his words.
Also, it's really important to look at your own style of attachment and see how that is contributing to the dynamic- as i'm sure you know.
Wishing you the best and sending love.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2021 13:05:15 GMT
If you've met on social media and are not engaging in person this is a complete fantasy, and the intensity and drama already manifesting is about you and your attachment style. It is part of your attachment style to do exactly this, come here to analyze what may be going on in him and all the while being firmly stuck in the patterns of anxious attachment. So, while you think it's about trying to navigate this thing with him, it's really about you living this thing in your own head.
You cannot conduct meaningful interactions with a new person strictly on social media. That's a black hole of fantasy, insecurity and unavailability. I've read about this elsewhere in the forum, and someone else can shed more light on it for you.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 9, 2021 13:25:00 GMT
During covid lockdown, I met my DA when he approached me on social media, because of a rather obscure shared interest. We gradually started talking more, discovering we have an incredible amount in common, shared interests and values. He lives twenty miles from me, so not incredibly long distance. He wanted to meet - which I delayed until due to covid. I soon learned that he is dismissive avoidant from my therapist. Apparently I am anxious avoidant. As I was in the process of learning about all of this, I was triggered, and said things that activated him. He went silent on me for a few weeks. In the last two days he has started engaging with my FB posts in a way that signals he is approaching me again, wanting to feel close. For example, he used the word "we" in a fairly intimate way in his comments on my public posts. But then I realize this morning he has our Facebook chat on ignore. That was like a kick in the gut. Yesterday, it showed that he had looked at our chat after weeks. Apparently I have NO way of communicating with him. It's not like I have been trying to, but it's just jarring to see that someone who referenced us moving to another country together cannot bear to hear from me. In my mind, this is a terrible thing. But from what I have learned about the DA, it seems he is approaching me again after distancing hard when I shared emotional intensity with him. Can someone help me understand what is going on at this point? IS he approaching me again? If so, how is that likely to play out? I'm sure I have encountered DAs before and just blew it, but I have never seen this before with the understanding I have of DAs now, so... I have never seen anything like this before, and struggle to know what I am dealing with. He is worth the trouble. He is an incredible man, and our connection is breathtakingly deep and gratifying - when he is present. I have never known anyone I connected with so deeply before, and I want that. I know that part of him wants it too, from what he has said about that. Please help me understand... Hi there….I understand the questioning…but if he isn’t outright reaching out…a direct message to you and unblocking your ability to reach back out to him…then it isn’t approaching you…that is just leaving comments. I know that isn’t what you want to hear….and I have been in your shoes many time, but someone who truly wants you will be direct, he won’t just throw out breadcrumbs of hope. I know you say he is worth it…but is he really given how he cut you off and left you no way to contact him? Have you discussed that with your therapist? |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2021 13:45:40 GMT
But how can you know him well enough to say he's "worth it" over social media? And am I understanding correctly that he mentioned moving away and you haven't met? I would suggest that he has you blocked in personal messages because he doesn't want to engage as if you're building a relationship , because you're not and he knows that. Just my opinion, who knows but this sounds like limerence with the whole intensity and over the top infatuated appraisal of him.
Check out limerence, also fantasy relationships and rushing things before even meeting.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 9, 2021 16:39:59 GMT
From Matthew Hussey…Relationships aren't just about finding someone who has feelings for you. It's important to find someone who's relationship-competent.
There are plenty of people who LOVE my organization and what we do, but that doesn't mean they would be an effective employee. That's because actually delivering on something is about more than feelings—it's about someone's ability to perform the task at hand. Too many people settle for someone who has strong feelings about them, but can't perform the task of being a great teammate.
I don't believe your partner has to be great at EVERYTHING, but if they aren't a competent teammate, then their feelings for you won't matter, because your reality is going to be determined by their actions.
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Post by krolle on Jul 9, 2021 22:43:41 GMT
Great responses by everyone.
My main question as someone else said, would be how can you know he is a 'great man'?
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Post by alexandra on Jul 10, 2021 2:44:29 GMT
You may want to consider that you are both anxious-avoidant (FA), though when you get anxious you push him avoidant because that's how that dynamic goes. I haven't had any DA exes that start to carefully or distantly reengage after a while, but it is the FA M.O., especially since when I was AP they knew I'd greet them with open arms. So it felt safe enough to reengage, even though it led to rinse and repeat.
You're getting good advice and comments here, especially if you've never met in person. I'm not sure why your therapist would not discourage you from this relatively new connection from the standpoint of dating someone more avoidant than you when you have insecure attachment is one of the most triggering things you can do to yourself. It's very common for FA to attract each other and feel deep connections, though statistically FA aren't a large portion of the overall population which is why it can feel rare.
Not to completely overintellectualize this, but the only reason it's important to identify if this is FA-FA or FA-DA is because FA-FA who are attached to each other will orbit indefinitely, both disconnecting and reconnecting over time and starting the cycle over and over. That's not the depth of connection, unfortunately, especially if he's talking about you moving internationally together before you've even met in person (?). It's part of disorganized attachment, no way of knowing how to get your needs met and fumbling around. The fantasy and potential and fast-forwarding it sounds like you're both doing causes the intensity but also causes inherent instability.
I'm sure there's a connection there too, and looking at it this way isn't to discount the deep conversations you've had. But when you get caught up in a fantasy and project who each other are to fill in the knowledge gaps, it creates a distance in place of authenticity and vulnerability. This is what introvert is in part describing as it's in your attachment style to do this. But that also means it's within your own power to not get swept up in a fantasy and overanalyze what he's doing, and pay attention to your own responses and try to better connect with yourself to figure out where they're coming from.
What's it matter if he's throwing you breadcrumbs if you already know he stonewalls and can't give you a real relationship even if he does come back? At what point do you protect yourself, and not abandon yourself by not rewarding an inconsistent man, as opposed to wondering what he might be thinking? These are ways you can challenge your perspective and shift the focus back to yourself when you start ruminating about him. It's very hard to do when triggered and emotionally invested in someone, but practicing pausing your ruminations about him (in order to rewire repetitive thoughts), even if just briefly, is one way to help yourself process what's going on in a situation like this.
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