How do you actually get over someone?

Thanks TNR9, your message made sense, it gave me some comfort knowing others can feel the same way. Like you suggest, I really would like to lean into my own issues more, to understand why I was so willing to let let go of all of my boundaries for them, and even try and convince them over and over that I understood their inflated accusations, and that they were right. It seemed like my only option at the time. In hindsight now, think I wanted to please and appease them, so they felt calm.. and didn’t run away, but that just caused them to distrust me more as occasionally I’d let it slip that I didn’t agree, and I started to feel restful and surpressed. Now I’m starting to understand it was pretty selfish of me to do that, becasue all I was focused on was my ultimate goal of keeping them, by convincing them that I could be better. That wasn’t creating a stable base for them either, and almost empowered their irrational thoughts. I think, in hindsight, I know if I’d have actually been true to myself then it wouldn’t have lasted as long as it did, I just was desperate for it to last and for them to see I wasn’t as bad as they thought and that I really did love them. I think they felt that I did though. And I did feel that they loved me too when we were in it. That’s why nothing much made sense to me. Now I see they did love me, but they were terrified of being hurt by me and reacted to that the only way they know to cope, just like a reacted the only way I knew how to, because of fear too. I also did things to trigger their fear in reaction my fears being triggered... It’s so messed up 😬 - I do wish I knew all of this at the time, as think I’d have had more patience and understanding for their flaws, and also taken a much harder look at my own and how I was really contributing to the problem. I was too focused on looking after me and my needs. Because It was that I wanted them, and I’d do anything to get them to see it, I didn’t see how that could be a negative thing. I realise I should only concentrate on me now.. and I guess try and really understand my triggers, so that I can control them better in the future or continue to reframe my way of thinking. I think it’s time to try and stop analysing this relationship now, I worry that I’m clinging on to analysing it becasue it subconsciously keeps me connected to them. I guess I must only focus on me, and start looking at other relationships and other triggers too, to get the most out of these learnings. Funny you mentioned finding something that excites you, I’ve been craving picking up a new hobby and doing something I really love lately.. I’ll get going with that too 😃 - thank you, again.

Good advice from the other posters so far. And I agree with your assessment you're AP and the ex is FA based on the details you shared and having been in that situation myself multiple times (the patterns of the dynamics tend to unfold exactly the same even if each relationship's details are slightly different).

What I'm going to add is: AP tend to interpret longing and anxiety nervous system overwhelm as love. As you know from your secure relationship right now, there is a healthier and more stable and sustainable form of love. But if it's not overstimulating you the way the roller coaster of intermittent reinforcement did, and you bottled things up in the past and never fully processed them, it's normal for someone with anxious insecure attachment tendencies to not have fully reconciled the attachment and moved on.

That does not mean you missed out or it would have been good to reconnect or that you could have done anything differently that made the relationship unfold differently. I feel like you're still lost in what if ("maybe if I did something differently...") since you are stuck in not having fully processed it. In addition to focusing on your own AP side of things, it helped me to look at beginning to end stories on this site of AP/FA relationships (and inevitable breakups and even getting back together and repeating and breaking up) and seeing that every one went the same way. Not overanalyzing why my FA exes were doing what they were doing, but seeing the full dynamic in action and that there's nothing that can be done by only one partner. AP struggle with thinking they have some control over other's behaviors to get their needs met, that if they found the magic formula they could get someone to stick around and fully commit for good. While it's not intuitive at first glance, for AP this tends to be a very old script based out of inconsistent and intermittent parent-figure behavior from childhood.

I only started fully processing past breakups and emotions and getting over people for real and not wondering what if when I started to focus on myself and my own security and work through those issues. Avoidant style exes were a projection of my own insecurities and fear of abandonment more than anything else, as we were both too scared of being fully present and vulnerable to have a healthy and stable relationship due to our individual unsorted issues. It reflected the emotional unavailability of both insecure partners, me and whichever ex, no matter who was the anxious or avoidant one. All that pain and anxiety seemed totally exhausting as I got older, all the longing was stressful, and I was ready to change and move myself past it (for the longest time, I thought people I now recognize as secure were boring and wasn't interested, which is also a typical unaware insecure attachment issue). Once I actually became more secure, I got over that and appreciate and value consistency and never getting triggered anxious like I did with my exes more than I can adequately describe in words lol. But it was an inherent shift in deep emotion feelings, and the processing, changes, and getting over past relationships didn't happen overnight. It takes deliberate, conscious work and healing attachment wounds from way back.

This is a link I like to share as food for thought on being triggered and how childhood experiences and adult romance actually all connects that's a good read for those getting started (both the article and the thread): jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2372/overcoupling-stress-response

myname @hsp

How to work with a broken heart, cutting cords ect.
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1169/healing-broken-before-changing-partner

Are you holding a backdoor open ?
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/33887/

The one thing that helps me is knowing the truth about them and the situation. To me, it's not enough to just accept "they're simply unavailable" or "they're not into you" because those are either lies or not entire truths. Usually the answer is closer to "they hate themselves and aren't ready to work through their issues". If you must analyze what happened, you can usually put everything together after enough space from them and that's the conclusion that makes the most sense.

I'm not familiar with your story, but it may be that she puts up with him more and doesn't trigger him in the same way, therefore he has more control over her/the relationship. If he hasn't done any work though, their relationship is pretty unhealthy by default.

Just remember that relationships built on fantasy don't sustain or meet needs in the long-term. There's no actual foundation of trust and security. The last FA I dated for just a few months, the guy immediately ended up with the woman he actually had a crush on (whom he knew before meeting me) and last I'd heard anything, they've been together for 2 years. He definitely didn't do any work between because there was almost no between time. But I also know that he once lived with someone else for 5 years and suddenly left her in an incredibly immature way that must have been blindsiding for her... he didn't even have the decency to tell her when he decided it was over, he waited a while for her to finally bring up a "where is this going talk" with him. I know rationally you already know it's a pointless exercise to wonder how their relationship is, but I can't imagine this guy's 2 year relationship with this woman would be one that would have made me happy if I were in her place, even if they are currently happy together. He was extremely difficult to deal with and date, in spite of our good times and good chemistry, and he's already proven he can be out at any moment with no warning... that issue won't change until he does self-work, and I'm not looking for someone whose commitment I can't trust. So the takeaway is, maybe they are happy together but that doesn't mean you'd have been happy if he stuck around, especially after you were given so many reasons not to trust his commitment ability.