sara
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Post by sara on Nov 19, 2017 3:38:28 GMT
Stellar1969,
Your post got under my skin, how poetic and how realistically as it sounds, in between all the beautiful moments and feelings, deep down we all know that these relationships are going to end sooner or later. I just wish I were as strong as you are and would leave. It says a lot, if all your friends are excited about you leaving him... Do you have any regrets yet?
I adored my FA and he was so sweet at the beginning and the way he used to look at me, but I feel his coldness more and more, and I am suffering at this point as I am not getting any affection, sex, sweet words, or even much time with him anymore. He just does the minimum to keep me around. I am checking out slowly for several weeks because I know this is not what I wanted, yet, still hoping for a miracle, for him to grab me and tell me that I am the one for him and that he wants to do everything to make me happy and make this work. Your mind can be cruel sometimes. But rather him pointing out more and more flaws and criticism, just to remind himself that I am definitely not perfect and to keep me at arm length. I know this is not a healthy situation for me, even if my therapist says how I could grow in it as an AP. How can I stay somewhere where my very basic needs are not even slightly met and having to look at other, very affectionate and loving couples. It makes me cry. I wish I were one of them. I know that I am going to leave, I just don't know when and how. It does hurt, a lot, the memories of the first months, yet, now I know, this was not reality. He never really started therapy, it is already done for him and for me a deal breaker as he knows, so why am I still here?!
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Post by scheme00 on Nov 19, 2017 8:47:19 GMT
Hi Sara,
The post that stellar made was my exact situation also, it's scary to see the similarities in behavior even though the personalities differ quite a bit. Anyhow, I was in your situation as well since we all picked this same type of partner. All I can tell you is the following:
I am also by nature a AP. Things started out great for about 5 months until our first breakup. We didn't speak for 3-4 months and I chased her after bumping into her and we dated for another 4 months. Then we broke up again because she was distancing herself. Then it was 3 months of limited contact only for work. Then I bumped into her again...the same spark and love was there as always so I asked her to hang out again and the cycle repeated. We dated for about 9 months until I could not take it anymore. Slowly the distancing strategies began to take a toll on my sanity and enough was enough. I broke up with her after she didn't text me back for a day and acted like she was just at home and missed my text even though I found out she was at the bar next door with all of her male friends which shower her with attention.
You know what? She didn't even care that I broke up with her. She agreed. She was happy go lucky about the whole thing. And then she sent me a text stating that I was such an amazing guy and the nicest guy she has ever dated and wished me luck. That's what was so shocking for me. I put blood sweat and tears into her and she could care less and just said how nice I was but she wasn't attached. It was shocking. I think about her every day, every few minutes actually. But I also knew that I loved myself more than that low-quality relationship (everyone here with an avoidant is TRULY settling for a low quality relationship). I knew that one day after I had navigated through the stormy breakup that something better was bound to come my way. I'm still in the thick of the storm but I do still believe that.
After a certain point I believe you will get beaten down by this relationship that you choose the same option that stellar and I have. You will then enter a different kind of pain. The anxiety will go down but you will start second guessing yourself...but I can tell you from first hand experience that it was the right decision to leave. Who knows l, maybe her and I will try it again...but if it does happen I will have quite a wall around my heart to protect myself. Only time will help me reconsider that but I'm not there yet. Hopefully I will be soon and will not even reconsider going there. But I have been in your shoes and just want to tell you that I'm here in support of anything you choose and that I'm sorry your dealing with this situation that is all too familiar.
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sara
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Post by sara on Nov 19, 2017 21:24:13 GMT
Hi Scheme00
Thanks for your words and your support, it means a lot and I like the fact how everyone sticks together considering that we all go through the same, scary thing. The thing that still startles me though is that how many here still consider eventually getting back together with their avoidant. I do understand the involved feelings and memories with that person, but I also know from my own experience that this gets overshadowed by all the anxiety, pain and indifference they caused us. So my thought then, are we APs just prone to be masochistic, next to trying to get reparented in the relationship? I believe that I will too think about getting back with him again as soon as I break up. And your point about settling for a low quality relationship with an avoidant just hit me because it is so true. None of us here has successful relationship story with an avoidant... and then again, maybe these who do, do not have a need to seek support on forums like this because it does work for them, somehow.
At this point, I am just sitting back, observing and not investing too much anymore to see his involvement. I gave myself a deadline for how long I am willing to wait for an effort and change from him that he wants to make this better and meet my needs. And it doesnt look too good. He is mostly confused and gets mad when I dont text him back right away... ironic considering his current indifferent behavior. But it is the best for me to check out slowly and to let it fizzle out. And even though I know that it always needs two to tango, this whole dilemma is mostly not because of me and I am very cautious about the fact to Not make me question myself afterwards because I am still trying to make it somehow work to know that I wont have any regrets afterwards that I could have done more. And I love the fact that you realize that something much better is coming your way... a break up like this is so painful and so so mean, you and all of us deserve so much better and a very normal, intimate, loving, and caring relationship!
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 20, 2017 5:15:41 GMT
I believe we AP's continue seeking out avoidants until we have learned whatever lesson we need to learn with them.
I fully believe that I will recognize the signs of an avoidant and pass them up from now on. It took many years to get here, but I made it. Day by day, we make it.
If I can do it, anyone can. Seriously.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2017 12:59:58 GMT
I can definitely relate to all of the above mentioned. My only difference is that my guy is marrie. I have been with him for almost 10 years and I was his girlfriend first. He has been married now for 6 years with one son. Is this typical behavior for FA/DA. Just wow. You have a lot more issues than an avoidant if you are committing to take part in adultery. Especially for this long. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2017 13:01:57 GMT
You are really out of line to say I’m worse than an avoidant. I am not the one married and deceiving people. I just recently figured out he has thissick attachment style. I never even hear of attachment styles before in my life. I fell in love with him with the hopes he would leave her because if you can spend this much time as he did with me clearly, he was not happy. Shame on you for being so judgmental.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2017 13:34:35 GMT
And FYI - I was not intimate with him the whole time he was/is married but there is definitely an emotional bond there and a huge connection. Had I known about this sick attachment style I would have left him long ago!!!! SHAME IN YOU FOR JUDGING ME— we don’t choose who we fall in love with. I wasn’t planning on falling in love with him but also keep in mind he and I were together before he met his current victim/wife.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2017 14:08:38 GMT
I am not an FA or DA, but I wanted to add something that might help. I think your situation might not be black and white. I remember my FA ex once told me once that he was attached to me and that was why he didn't want to give up on the relationship as soon as things started going bad. But he still hated the fighting and was skittish as well. If somebody is attached to you, then in my mind, they probably have feelings that are a bit deeper than the surface level. It sounds like your ex is still attached. Also, everybody likes to be around somebody who flatters them regardless of attachment issue or not. Others may be right that he just likes the attention, but I don't know your ex personally to say 100% that I know what is going on in his head. I'm just trying to give you other options to think about from somebody who has also dated a DA/FA. He may have truly missed you, but their need to protect themselves is ranked higher than the need to connect. My ex also hated the fighting, and that is the reason why all of his relationships have failed. Also, like I said, I am not DA or FA, but I have been avoidant with certain people in my life. Not romantic relationships though, so this may not translate 100%. But just in case it's helpful, I will say that when I am avoidant, it was towards certain friends and family members who I love and cared for deeply. The avoidance always stemmed from going through a traumatic experience and then being disappointed or feeling abandoned when they could not help me in the way I wanted or needed. These friends and family members had nothing to do with the traumatic event, but I felt myself wall off towards them. I lost trust in them because they didn't seem to fully understand what my needs were after this traumatic event, and I felt so alone and isolated. It wasn't their fault for not knowing exactly what to do, but I avoid getting close with them now and try to keep things light. And I now find myself being extra careful and cautious when I meet new friends because I'm not sure if I can trust them. I never used to be that way. But the point is that my feelings are there for them, but I prefer to close off emotionally to protect myself from future disappointments with them. Luckily, I am aware of my feelings, but not all avoidants are. I hope that is helpful for you and that you can find peace of mind soon. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2017 14:09:21 GMT
I am very certain my Guy is either FA or DA. I can’t quite figure out which one though. What is the major differences. My guy is married— I’m sorry to state this but, I dated him before her and he has always kept me in his life. For the past 3 years our relationship has grown immensely. We recently became intimate after all this time as being just friends- not all the way. I love him and he has admitted to me after I have pushed him into talking about feelings has admitted he loves me too. I am very confused by the relationship. I try to accept what we have but at times my emotions and feelings get the best of me. I wonder, is cheating a symptom for FAs and DAs!? Do they really love or is this all an act? He seems very genuine and aware of his behaviors but we don’t talk about it. We go through the push/pull/control issues every 6 months or so. I am looking for help.
Thank you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2017 20:07:04 GMT
I am very certain my Guy is either FA or DA. I can’t quite figure out which one though. What is the major differences. My guy is married— I’m sorry to state this but, I dated him before her and he has always kept me in his life. For the past 3 years our relationship has grown immensely. We recently became intimate after all this time as being just friends- not all the way. I love him and he has admitted to me after I have pushed him into talking about feelings has admitted he loves me too. I am very confused by the relationship. I try to accept what we have but at times my emotions and feelings get the best of me. I wonder, is cheating a symptom for FAs and DAs!? Do they really love or is this all an act? He seems very genuine and aware of his behaviors but we don’t talk about it. We go through the push/pull/control issues every 6 months or so. I am looking for help. Thank you. Hi Missy - many DAs and FAs do have relationships outside of their marriage - it is yet another form of avoidance. If he's married he really doesn't have to full commit to you - it's a kind of safe space in the same way that many look for long distance relationships since it's closeness but without the nuts and bolts that go with a real relationship. Maybe it's safe to actually feel when there's little chance of true and honest intimacy due to the situation. Why don't you talk about it? If you are friends and truly close then this is a natural part of intimacy - if he can't or won't address what's going on what hope do you have of having a healthy and mutual relationship. Lots of avoidants like having their options open - even if it's not a concious decision on his part this is what he's doing to you. I am not surprised you feel hurt and confused - he isn't being kind, either to you or his wife. Do you really want to be with someone who treats those he purportedly loves in this way? |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2017 13:57:19 GMT
Hi Ocarina,
Thank you for your response. I call him "my guy" because we speak on a daily basis and hang out 4 times a week (lately, not much because -- I admitted to him that I love him.). He is very understanding and willing to talk things out with me. I just recently stopped speaking to him for almost 2 weeks. I went away on vacation and it was a much needed drama free vacation in south beach Florida. We spoke today and I told him we need to talk about his issues and whether or not we can move forward in this relationship/deep friendship or cut the ties (have closure). He agrees we should talk but when he said about his "issues" he will deal with them. I told him "no" we must address his intimacy and him using the "friendship" label to keep that distance and growth between us. I can't stay stuck and not grow in a relationship. I can be remain friends with him (although what we have is much more than a friendship) but, they have to be on my terms, NOT his -- or should I say they need to work for all parties involved. I have to get my needs met and our friendship has to grow emotionally and intimately whether it be verbal or physical. I hate labels anyway -- never was into that stuff. I will force him to talk about why he has a problem getting closer. I am seeing a therapist but she doesn't seem to know much about attachment styles. I've only seen her twice and she hasn't said much. Does anyone know if that is how therapy works. Is the therapist supposed to give me feedback. I'm not sure how long it takes for the therapist to start giving me feedback.
Thank you for your help Ocarina> Are you DA or FA or were you involved with one in a relationship.
Have a great day.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2017 19:25:12 GMT
Hi Missy - my dubious credentials are that I am avoidant in most relationships - have worked on this over the last year or two and now less so, in a relationship with a severely avoidant man for six years. I am generally reasonably secure but on the autistic spectrum - high functioning, so I don't have the same need for contact that most women have and tend to be fairly rational and see things with a kind of unusual clarity, unclouded by emotion for the most part.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2017 20:20:28 GMT
Hi Ocarina, thank you for your information. I am probably "anxious" but am fully aware of what triggers my anxieties. I am also in recovery for 19+ years from addiction. I think we all have flaws in some way, shape or form. Some more than others. It's progress, not perfection. I think the best way to help ourselves is to always try to work on ourselves and grow as individuals. Also, having a connection with a higher power is my greatest blessing. Again, thank you and Have a great day! M  |
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