Post by verymuchpink on Jul 30, 2021 13:53:51 GMT
I always felt like I was not good enough, my parents weren't there for me emotionally at all and they fought a lot, still do. That's why I go two times a year at home although I live 2 hours away. Every time I go to my hometown and I have to visit them I just feel like a teenager again, they don't acknowledge me being an adult and we don't really talk when I go there, so what's the point in asking me few times a month at the phone "when are you coming home again?" Anyway.. I understand they have their own attachment trauma..
I always felt out of this world, I never could find someone to match my level of emotions, attachment and "love", I've always been an ocean of sadness.
Now at my adult age of 24F I'm a terrible partner. I have FA/AA attachment and my anxiety makes me a sh*t person. I get jealous, I don't trust people, I don't even trust myself. I always felt broken as a kid, alone, I would cry nights and nights. I have a really hard time making friends, I judge people and I judge myself.
I have an AMAZING partner who is FA/DA, caring, loving, understanding. I've picked up fights from small things because that was what I though I was suppose to do, to voice my unpleasantness, but definitely shouldn't do it in that cold, childish way.
When my anxiety rises I can feel a hot feeling from my feet to my head and I become full of anger and I literally start hating the person for as long as my anxiety stays. When things cool off I can think clearly. "I am passionate" I thought, but heck no. I'm just dysfunctional and I can't seem to fix myself. I feel lots of shame from my behaviour.
Of course being with a FA/DA person I got triggered, but there was nothing as bad as I made it to be. He was always there for me, always with everything, he would ask for alone time and I would go nuts thinking he's sick of me. And although I am like this, he still stays with me and tries to work things out.
I wonder how many APs go shift the blame on they partner when in reality they are the one incapable to stay just one or two days alone, quiet? Incapable of shutting the f up about relationship talk for the 100th time this month and just enjoy the moment? We try to save the relationship by talking about it, instead of creating good moments to be worth staying in.
I was capable for the first time to give him space, just for himself, to let him think about this relationship just as I am. I felt calm. I knew he will come back because he loves me and he showed me in lots of ways. I just waited patiently. After 2 days he contacted me and guess what? I'm not calm anymore. And I wonder when I will be able to just function like a secure would.
I always felt out of this world, I never could find someone to match my level of emotions, attachment and "love", I've always been an ocean of sadness.
Now at my adult age of 24F I'm a terrible partner. I have FA/AA attachment and my anxiety makes me a sh*t person. I get jealous, I don't trust people, I don't even trust myself. I always felt broken as a kid, alone, I would cry nights and nights. I have a really hard time making friends, I judge people and I judge myself.
I have an AMAZING partner who is FA/DA, caring, loving, understanding. I've picked up fights from small things because that was what I though I was suppose to do, to voice my unpleasantness, but definitely shouldn't do it in that cold, childish way.
When my anxiety rises I can feel a hot feeling from my feet to my head and I become full of anger and I literally start hating the person for as long as my anxiety stays. When things cool off I can think clearly. "I am passionate" I thought, but heck no. I'm just dysfunctional and I can't seem to fix myself. I feel lots of shame from my behaviour.
Of course being with a FA/DA person I got triggered, but there was nothing as bad as I made it to be. He was always there for me, always with everything, he would ask for alone time and I would go nuts thinking he's sick of me. And although I am like this, he still stays with me and tries to work things out.
I wonder how many APs go shift the blame on they partner when in reality they are the one incapable to stay just one or two days alone, quiet? Incapable of shutting the f up about relationship talk for the 100th time this month and just enjoy the moment? We try to save the relationship by talking about it, instead of creating good moments to be worth staying in.
I was capable for the first time to give him space, just for himself, to let him think about this relationship just as I am. I felt calm. I knew he will come back because he loves me and he showed me in lots of ways. I just waited patiently. After 2 days he contacted me and guess what? I'm not calm anymore. And I wonder when I will be able to just function like a secure would.
