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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 3, 2021 1:51:02 GMT
She would tell me that her feelings were growing strong each day and she loved the emotional connection that we had. I have never had someone say as many kind/nice things to me in any relationship. About a week before it ended she stayed over and still talked about a future together. That's why it seemed to have flipped so fast. I guess I was really buying into the fantasy she created. I also was still wanting to see where it was going to go as I was still learning more about her. That's also what avoidants do. They might really want that happy life etc but the moment you get close emotionally or even carrying out your plans like moving in together or commit any further, UNCONSCIOUS alarm bells will go off in their minds, their anxiety shoots up through the roof and they will start to find ways to distance, deactivate or leave. But that's what get YOU trauma bonded. Because they painted such a pretty picture in your head, once they pull away, you try and try and try and try and try and try to fulfil that pretty picture but it is never meant to be. The more you try, the further they run. So please don't let anybody tell you its your issue. Its not. Avoidants create shit out of nothing because they're insecure. |
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gus23
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Post by gus23 on Aug 3, 2021 2:00:37 GMT
Thanks, dullboat!
I liked the way you explained everything. It makes me think about my ex-wife with her now NPD husband that cheats on her all time. Everyone tried to warn her but she just wouldn’t listen. I think you may be right and I dodge a bullet here.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 3, 2021 2:07:03 GMT
Thanks dullboat! Funny you mention love bombing. On our first date I actually talked to her about love bombing and she had never heard the term before. My ex-wife left me for someone with NPD. He had all the signs. It was his love bombing that roped her in. But that is other story for a different message board. Looking back I can now see how I was just a little anxious about how she wasn't responding to me like use to. I mentioned it to her and she upped her game for about a week before withdrawing a little bit more. Certainly made me feel off. She always had something that had to happen before something could happen. I didn't go over to her house for almost 2 months in. The reason first was it wasn't clean enough because my own house is spotless. Then it was the dog had to be groomed and bathed before I met him. Both those then finally did happen but it took much longer than it should have. Same thing with meeting the kids. XYZ had to happen before I could meet them. But XYZ kept changing. I wasn't ready to meet the kids anyways and I told her I was will to wait as long as it took. Then it was not wanting to change the happy life she had built for her kids. I told her if they didn't like me there was always the option for her to back out then. Her response.....I'm sure they would like you. Hey Gus….I have experienced love bombing…what you experienced is not love bombing, nor is she an NPD…..it is a slippery slope to start mixing an FA with an NPD…an NPD is a personality disorder whereas FA is an attachment wounding caused at a very young age by parents who were unable to display consistent secure behaviors. |
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 3, 2021 2:08:56 GMT
Thanks, dullboat! I liked the way you explained everything. It makes me think about my ex-wife with her now NPD husband that cheats on her all time. Everyone tried to warn her but she just wouldn’t listen. I think you may be right and I dodge a bullet here. Sounds like a trainwreck in the making with your ex wife. Her life. None of your business now. Dont let it affect you. You did dodge a bullet to mental devastation. Really mate. Avoidants go from 100 - 0 literally overnight. So they can adore you and make you feel so good that you're the ONLY person in the world, but discard you the next day. It also feeds into the ego of avoidants too that they enjoy the thrill of hunt and capture. So yes, its best to walk away from this one. All the best in your search for love. You deserve it. But also note that as we age, the pool of secure people to date shrinks and the pool will become more and more saturated with avoidants and other insecurely attached people. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 3, 2021 2:11:35 GMT
Thanks, dullboat! I liked the way you explained everything. It makes me think about my ex-wife with her now NPD husband that cheats on her all time. Everyone tried to warn her but she just wouldn’t listen. I think you may be right and I dodge a bullet here. I don’t read anything in your story that makes me think you were traumabonded…traumabonding is when there is extreme abuse…consider a person who is kidnapped for instance and kept in a small room…over time, that kidnapped individual looks to the kidnapper for validation and bonds to that person out of fear. Again…before accepting an extreme view…it is wise to do your own research. |
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 3, 2021 2:16:45 GMT
Hey Gus….I have experienced love bombing…what you experienced is not love bombing, nor is she an NPD…..it is a slippery slope to start mixing an FA with an NPD…an NPD is a personality disorder whereas FA is an attachment wounding caused at a very young age by parents who were unable to display consistent secure behaviors. Yes Gus, what I found the difference between NPD and avoidant people is Grandiosity. Though, avoidants and NPD shares some traits, they are different. However nowadays, avoidants are classified as a personality disorder hence the term "Avoidant Personality Disorder" comes from. A lot of avoidants have depression, are high functioning and some even branches out to having Borderline Personality Disorder. At the end of the day, disorder or not, they make bad partners as they are one of the hardest people on Earth to get along with - which is why their relationships from family to friends to romantic, are in tatters. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 3, 2021 2:16:49 GMT
And if you want to learn more about NPD….feel free to read the website..all about him….when my NPD relationship ended…this website was extremely helpful and I have never dated another NPD individual since then…. www.lisaescott.com/forums/all-about-him-forum |
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 3, 2021 2:20:06 GMT
I don’t read anything in your story that makes me think you were traumabonded…traumabonding is when there is extreme abuse…consider a person who is kidnapped for instance and kept in a small room…over time, that kidnapped individual looks to the kidnapper for validation and bonds to that person out of fear. Again…before accepting an extreme view…it is wise to do your own research. I disagree. Getting trauma bonded doesn't need to stem from extreme abuse. Just a cycle of hot and cold that fluctuates between abuse and intimacy is enough to get someone trauma bonded. www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bondingen.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding |
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gus23
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Post by gus23 on Aug 3, 2021 2:21:04 GMT
Trn9,
I didn't mean to imply she was love-bombing me. I know that wasn't what it was. She certainly isn't NPD. Watching my ex-wife be love-bombed in a matter of days of meeting her now NPD husband I recognize it from the start. Still couldn't stop it.
Dullboat,
Ex-wife isn't my concern and I don't care and haven't for a long time. However, it is like a 4-year train wreck that is still happening for her.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 3, 2021 2:23:18 GMT
Hey Gus….I have experienced love bombing…what you experienced is not love bombing, nor is she an NPD…..it is a slippery slope to start mixing an FA with an NPD…an NPD is a personality disorder whereas FA is an attachment wounding caused at a very young age by parents who were unable to display consistent secure behaviors. Yes Gus, what I found the difference between NPD and avoidant people is Grandiosity. Though, avoidants and NPD shares some traits, they are different. However nowadays, avoidants are classified as a personality disorder hence the term "Avoidant Personality Disorder" comes from. A lot of avoidants have depression, are high functioning and some even branches out to having Borderline Personality Disorder. At the end of the day, disorder or not, they make bad partners as they are one of the hardest people on Earth to get along with - which is why their relationships from family to friends to romantic, are in tatters. Wow…that is scary….you are mixing avoidant personality disorder with those who strictly have avoidant attachment issues. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorderthe last time I checked…only a psychiatrist or a md can officially diagnose some with AvPD. And it is normally associated with very specific forms of fear. |
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 3, 2021 2:32:32 GMT
Yes Gus, what I found the difference between NPD and avoidant people is Grandiosity. Though, avoidants and NPD shares some traits, they are different. However nowadays, avoidants are classified as a personality disorder hence the term "Avoidant Personality Disorder" comes from. A lot of avoidants have depression, are high functioning and some even branches out to having Borderline Personality Disorder. At the end of the day, disorder or not, they make bad partners as they are one of the hardest people on Earth to get along with - which is why their relationships from family to friends to romantic, are in tatters. Wow…that is scary….you are mixing avoidant personality disorder with those who strictly have avoidant attachment issues. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorderthe last time I checked…only a psychiatrist or a md can officially diagnose some with AvPD. And it is normally associated with very specific forms of fear. I don't see much difference really. So the difference is just a matter of getting it diagnosed by a professional? |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 3, 2021 2:35:04 GMT
Trn9, I didn't mean to imply she was love-bombing me. I know that wasn't what it was. She certainly isn't NPD. Watching my ex-wife be love-bombed in a matter of days of meeting her now NPD husband I recognize it from the start. Still couldn't stop it. Dullboat, Ex-wife isn't my concern and I don't care and haven't for a long time. However, it is like a 4-year train wreck that is still happening for her. It is very sad if your ex wife found herself being love bombed by someone with NPD and is now married to him. That is a very tough place to be so I empathize with her. I remember when the guy I dated with NPD love bombed me and it was really hard to understand how someone who could come on so strong initially could turn around and hurt me so deeply. I spent 3 years in 3 cycles with him and although I wish I did not have to have gone through it…I learned a lot about myself and my vulnerabilities to such a person. And fortunately I got help through that website and have not been attracted to anyone with NPD since that time. Do you have any children? |
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 3, 2021 2:37:19 GMT
Trn9, I didn't mean to imply she was love-bombing me. I know that wasn't what it was. She certainly isn't NPD. Watching my ex-wife be love-bombed in a matter of days of meeting her now NPD husband I recognize it from the start. Still couldn't stop it. Dullboat, Ex-wife isn't my concern and I don't care and haven't for a long time. However, it is like a 4-year train wreck that is still happening for her. It is very sad if your ex wife found herself being love bombed by someone with NPD and is now married to him. That is a very tough place to be so I empathize with her. I remember when the guy I dated with NPD love bombed me and it was really hard to understand how someone who could come on so strong initially could turn around and hurt me so deeply. I spent 3 years in 3 cycles with him and although I wish I did not have to have gone through it…I learned a lot about myself and my vulnerabilities to such a person. And fortunately I got help through that website and have not been attracted to anyone with NPD since that time. Do you have any children? So was the guy you dated with NPD fully diagnosed and certified by a psychiatrist or md? |
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gus23
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Post by gus23 on Aug 3, 2021 2:40:25 GMT
Thankfully we didn't have any children. She is either his 5 or 6 wife and is about 15 years older than her. I agree it is sad for her.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 3, 2021 2:41:56 GMT
Wow…that is scary….you are mixing avoidant personality disorder with those who strictly have avoidant attachment issues. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorderthe last time I checked…only a psychiatrist or a md can officially diagnose some with AvPD. And it is normally associated with very specific forms of fear. I don't see much difference really. So the difference is just a matter of getting it diagnosed by a professional? No…it isn’t just that…but I think trying to explain those differences may be lost on you since you are so eager to label those who have trauma based attachment issues as dysfunctional. |
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