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Post by tnr9 on Aug 27, 2021 15:58:13 GMT
My FA ex is back. One month on the dot. He only wants sex and to not be in a relationship, but he is acting as if we were still in a relationship. But without the obligations of one  I guess this is the FA starting a new cycle? Luckily I'm aware of what's going on and am in a good place since the breakup and can clearly see there can be no relationship with him. This entire experience has been so strange! Yes…this will allow him to feel safe and less triggered if there is nothing official…thus no obligations. Remember that he is trying to create a relationship that best suits his needs but likely does not suit yours. |
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Post by annieb on Aug 27, 2021 16:11:31 GMT
My FA ex is back. One month on the dot. He only wants sex and to not be in a relationship, but he is acting as if we were still in a relationship. But without the obligations of one I guess this is the FA starting a new cycle? Luckily I'm aware of what's going on and am in a good place since the breakup and can clearly see there can be no relationship with him. This entire experience has been so strange! Oh anao, I’m so very sorry! This stuff is exhausting and triggering and exhausting and triggering. I’m glad you see that a relationship is not an option with him and that hopefully you can move on. If I have any advice then maybe don’t linger in the friend zone/ ambiguous zone with him. Even though it may seem harmless, it’s best to go no contact. He’ll move on and waste another woman’s time for a year and you can move on on the journey you already started and look for someone, who will consistently be there. ❤️ |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 27, 2021 19:27:29 GMT
Yes, you recognize it, and you're getting good advice here! The cycle only restarts if you participate. Don't let him downgrade you (this is so common and has happened to me with multiple FA men), just leave the situation because it's no good for you.
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anao
New Member
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Post by anao on Aug 27, 2021 20:35:59 GMT
Thank you everyone for your replies. It's incredible how one spends weeks reading about this behaviour and then it happens exactly as described. This forum has been a great resource, I would have been completely in the dark without it.
The past month brought plenty of pain, but also great growth. I now see clearly that I do not want a one-sided relationship (nor a one-sided breakup for that matter) and that I deserve a partner.
I'll use the next few months to heal from the breakup and to make a new life plan - decide where I'd like to live and create new opportunities for myself.
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kekko
New Member
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Post by kekko on Aug 27, 2021 21:36:06 GMT
My FA ex is back. One month on the dot. He only wants sex and to not be in a relationship, but he is acting as if we were still in a relationship. But without the obligations of one I guess this is the FA starting a new cycle? Luckily I'm aware of what's going on and am in a good place since the breakup and can clearly see there can be no relationship with him. This entire experience has been so strange! Hey anao, is this good news for you? How do you plan on continuing? Best Kekko |
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anao
New Member
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Post by anao on Aug 27, 2021 22:00:06 GMT
Hi kekko, My emoji might be misplaced. I just find it funny that everything happened as expected. Reminds me of Miss Marple in Agatha Christie's novels, who can see patterns in people's behaviours. That said, I think it's good news because now I get to unhook. This time, I get to say no, I don't want what you're offering. Maybe the one-sided breakup contributed to the shock of how things ended. I could already see him today in a different light and that is very interesting. I'll close the door on this relationship, wish him the best and try to figure out which country I want to live in next. |
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kekko
New Member
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Post by kekko on Aug 27, 2021 22:05:33 GMT
Hi kekko , My emoji might be misplaced. I just find it funny that everything happened as expected. Reminds me of Miss Marple in Agatha Christie's novels, who can see patterns in people's behaviours. That said, I think it's good news because now I get to unhook. This time, I get to say no, I don't want what you're offering. Maybe the one-sided breakup contributed to the shock of how things ended. I could already see him today in a different light and that is very interesting. I'll close the door on this relationship, wish him the best and try to figure out which country I want to live in next. This sounds like a secure thinking and acting person. Wish you the best! |
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Post by krolle on Aug 28, 2021 21:08:05 GMT
Another thing to consider here which is rarely discussed on this forum due to the ratio of female to male, is simply the nature of us men.
Yes, there are traumas and coping mechanism and attachment styles etc which play their part. And also a man's age, stage of life and individual personality to consider.
But there's also millions of years of evolution which has designed our bodies/brains/hormones to want sex with lots of different partners.
I'm of course generalizing here, as I often do. But I listen to the exasperation of some of my female friends when they are irritated by the non committal nature of some of the men in their romatic life. But I have found that a lot of their frustration comes from expecting the men to have the same goals and sexual value systems as them.
Most, though certainly not all of the women I know, are at least somewhat driven romantically by the desire to bond, create plans, create a family, create a home, create security etc. But that's what evolution has encouraged you guys to do for millions of years. It's completely understandable considering the dangerous and enormous investment becoming pregnant has been historically for a woman.
But for a YOUNG guy to be monogomous, especially life long, he has to surpress his own evolutionarily programmed desires to basically sleep with as many women as possible.
Getting mad at a guy for wanting to sleep with you but not commit to you is like getting mad at a cat for wanting to chase mice or a dog for chasing a ball.
Having said that, I agree with what has been said by other people on here. Just because I look at the situation objectively does not mean I think it would be good for you to to accept this behaviour in your life. If that's not what you want I wholeheartedly support that you should not put up with it.
I only get frustrated when a certain demographic is portrayed as 'bad'for acting in a way that they were programmed by one force or another to be. I feel the same for example when avoidants are chastised for their behaviour as we have seen on this forum on several occasions.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 28, 2021 23:24:11 GMT
Getting mad at a guy for wanting to sleep with you but not commit to you is like getting mad at a cat for wanting to chase mice or a dog for chasing a ball. I think people are hurt, disappointed, frustrated, and have their egos bruised by this. But in general, when I see actual anger about it, it's because the guy either wasn't honest about it or keeps coming back to try this when there's a ton of history there indicating it's not okay. People get called out around here for leading themselves on, but there's a lot of sympathy when they actually got led on. I didn't see OP sounding mad about this, I saw her relieved that she understands the situation enough not to lead herself on further (difficult for those recovering from anxious leaning attachment styles because it actually goes against our instincts!), and he was honest in words (though perhaps not in actions), and she's grateful for that so she can make an informed decision for herself. Update: also, cats and dogs can't reason and communicate with us the way we can with each other. If an animal knew they were really doing something that pissed us off and understood why, would they stop doing that thing in front of us? If they didn't but understood, couldn't we get mad? So it's not exactly the same when it's involving awareness of the other. |
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Post by krolle on Aug 29, 2021 0:32:08 GMT
Agreed Alexandra. I stand in my place.
The key word is WANT to do this stuff though. Not DO it.
I have been in many situations where I communicate to my partner my struggledls with my innate drives. And denied them. Because of love and commitment..and yes simply awareness.
I only wished to highlight the physiological drives which get ignored sometimes. To a partner of an unaware guy I can imagine it being very frustrating.
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Post by krolle on Aug 29, 2021 0:33:55 GMT
Getting mad at a guy for wanting to sleep with you but not commit to you is like getting mad at a cat for wanting to chase mice or a dog for chasing a ball. I think people are hurt, disappointed, frustrated, and have their egos bruised by this. But in general, when I see actual anger about it, it's because the guy either wasn't honest about it or keeps coming back to try this when there's a ton of history there indicating it's not okay. People get called out around here for leading themselves on, but there's a lot of sympathy when they actually got led on. I didn't see OP sounding mad about this, I saw her relieved that she understands the situation enough not to lead herself on further (difficult for those recovering from anxious leaning attachment styles because it actually goes against our instincts!), and he was honest in words (though perhaps not in actions), and she's grateful for that so she can make an informed decision for herself. Update: also, cats and dogs can't reason and communicate with us the way we can with each other. If an animal knew they were really doing something that pissed us off and understood why, would they stop doing that thing in front of us? If they didn't but understood, couldn't we get mad? So it's not exactly the same when it's involving awareness of the other. Yes, A CAT or dog can't commicate that. But neither can an unaware person. Insight is the key distinguishing factor. I value your highlighting of my flawed thinking. |
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Post by krolle on Aug 29, 2021 0:35:23 GMT
I also disagree with leading on of things, But it took time to realise honesty was the best approach.
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Post by mrob on Aug 29, 2021 2:53:01 GMT
krolle when a man is honest about his bad intentions, he fails. Next step is learning to disguise those intentions as something not bad. Marriage is there to stop men from doing what comes naturally and to provide a safe environment so women and children can flourish. Taken to the extreme, men work their guts out, women do the same in a different way, and the family goes on to produce another generation. The whole concept of patriarchy is a sham. We’re the weak ones! Discussing this with two women friends just the other day, I don’t see what marriage has in it for women in 2021 apart from children. They both screwed their noses up in response to marriage, agreeing.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 29, 2021 2:59:31 GMT
I think most (not all, but most) people are trying. But if we know one thing from the forum, it's very painful when someone perceives that the other person isn't trying. But then that person still needs to decide how they want to respond to it.
I don't think all our socially glorified values align with honesty is the best policy, so it can take a while to get there if it wasn't learned early in life and isn't intuitive. Especially when someone insecurely attached is conditioned to the dynamics they experienced growing up with people that weren't straight forward. But that's, once again, where the choice comes in in adulthood. So I understood where you were coming from, but, yeah, I still thought it needed an awareness and accountability overlay because we can choose to try to practice being less reactionary... and I read it as we were going into boys will be boys territory, which is a bit of a cop out.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 29, 2021 3:02:41 GMT
mrob, that goes back to seeing all relationships as transactional only, though. Not everyone does. But I agree with you if they do and don't strive for any other perspective.
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I guess this is the FA starting a new cycle? Luckily I'm aware of what's going on and am in a good place since the breakup and can clearly see there can be no relationship with him. This entire experience has been so strange!
