anao
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by anao on Aug 8, 2021 12:41:28 GMT
Hi everyone, I found this forum while looking for explanations for my ex FA's behaviour. I am aware I can't get any answers from him, so I'm hoping to either get some insight, or to just clarify my thoughts a bit while writing this.
I am AP, have been in therapy for almost three years and was working towards secure when I met my ex. I feel like I'm back at AP at this point and need to put in the work to get secure.
We have been together for a year and two months. At first it was my ideal relationship: my boyfriend was present, in constant communication, and we were seeing each other about twice a week, with one time per week staying over at his place. He told me he loved me about three months in the relationship. I liked that he didn't push for meeting too often, which in my past relationships got me to lose myself.
He is very busy with his work, plus finishing a phd and building his own company. After reading more about FAs I get that keeping busy is also a way to distance themselves from contact with people. Anyway, I've been giving him space to get his work done and didn't push him too much, especially since he was constant in meeting and texting. Things started changing gradually about 7 months into the relationship - first a 'would you mind if you didn't spend the night? I'm having trouble sleeping at the moment' which without me realising turned into a new normal. Then he started taking on more and more work. The twice per week became three times/two weeks and eventually once a week. There were always excuses - too busy, then decided to change jobs, bought his first flat and the stress of moving and redecorating. Again, he was keeping me informed about everything, but I could also feel like he was building a separate life for himself. Every time I brought up the subject of seeing each other more or spending the night he would become very defensive and wouldn't be able to tell me why he couldn't do these things. He would try to make the changes I would ask for.
About three weeks ago, he was very stressed with finishing his phd corrections and in a panic about it. He wanted to come and see me and was stressing out that he had no time for it and that I would get annoyed with him and finally have enough of it. I told him I understood that he was busy and asked him to focus on his phd, reassured him that i was there for him and that he had my support if he needed it. Two more weeks passed without seeing each other, with constant contact through texts. Then a week ago he sends me a text to tell me that he would be happier if he wasn't in a relationship and that he wanted to focus on the new job he is about to start. I was crushed. Rationally, I understand where all of this comes from and I understand that there is nothing I could do about it. But it hurts so much. It hurts that he decided to end it with a very cold text, which is opposite to his usual loving texts and to the boyfriend I had in the beginning.It hurts that he couldn't find comfort in the relationship and to realise that he saw the relationship as another sort of 'job' that he needed to excel at. It's so strange to speak with a person every day and then suddenly they are not in your life any longer.
I know I need to work on myself and look for secure partners. I'm just left confused and know I can't get any answers from him. I'm not even sure he has any answers.
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kekko
New Member
Posts: 17
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Post by kekko on Aug 8, 2021 14:37:49 GMT
Hey,
seems like you already understand everything and just need to accept things as they are. You cannot navigate his coping mechanisms and there is no way to talk to him about
it either. You might tell him about your impression of him being a FA and hope that he looks into it.
It is my firm belief that there is nothing you can do beside that. If you internalize this, then you will be able to make your peace with the situation and focus on what you can actually change : yourself.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 8, 2021 16:31:27 GMT
Hi everyone, I found this forum while looking for explanations for my ex FA's behaviour. I am aware I can't get any answers from him, so I'm hoping to either get some insight, or to just clarify my thoughts a bit while writing this. I am AP, have been in therapy for almost three years and was working towards secure when I met my ex. I feel like I'm back at AP at this point and need to put in the work to get secure. We have been together for a year and two months. At first it was my ideal relationship: my boyfriend was present, in constant communication, and we were seeing each other about twice a week, with one time per week staying over at his place. He told me he loved me about three months in the relationship. I liked that he didn't push for meeting too often, which in my past relationships got me to lose myself. He is very busy with his work, plus finishing a phd and building his own company. After reading more about FAs I get that keeping busy is also a way to distance themselves from contact with people. Anyway, I've been giving him space to get his work done and didn't push him too much, especially since he was constant in meeting and texting. Things started changing gradually about 7 months into the relationship - first a 'would you mind if you didn't spend the night? I'm having trouble sleeping at the moment' which without me realising turned into a new normal. Then he started taking on more and more work. The twice per week became three times/two weeks and eventually once a week. There were always excuses - too busy, then decided to change jobs, bought his first flat and the stress of moving and redecorating. Again, he was keeping me informed about everything, but I could also feel like he was building a separate life for himself. Every time I brought up the subject of seeing each other more or spending the night he would become very defensive and wouldn't be able to tell me why he couldn't do these things. He would try to make the changes I would ask for. About three weeks ago, he was very stressed with finishing his phd corrections and in a panic about it. He wanted to come and see me and was stressing out that he had no time for it and that I would get annoyed with him and finally have enough of it. I told him I understood that he was busy and asked him to focus on his phd, reassured him that i was there for him and that he had my support if he needed it. Two more weeks passed without seeing each other, with constant contact through texts. Then a week ago he sends me a text to tell me that he would be happier if he wasn't in a relationship and that he wanted to focus on the new job he is about to start. I was crushed. Rationally, I understand where all of this comes from and I understand that there is nothing I could do about it. But it hurts so much. It hurts that he decided to end it with a very cold text, which is opposite to his usual loving texts and to the boyfriend I had in the beginning.It hurts that he couldn't find comfort in the relationship and to realise that he saw the relationship as another sort of 'job' that he needed to excel at. It's so strange to speak with a person every day and then suddenly they are not in your life any longer. I know I need to work on myself and look for secure partners. I'm just left confused and know I can't get any answers from him. I'm not even sure he has any answers. Hi there and welcome to the forums…first, it is great that you have insight into your own insecurity…..that is really important in moving forward from here. In all relationships, the very beginning is when people are putting on their best behaviors but also know very little about the other person and it is a time when insecure patterns are hidden due to an excitement over the “potential”, “fantasy” of the other person. We all do it, even secures do it. The difference is that a secure person knows that this is the discovery phase when both people are checking each out and as such, realizes that it takes time for the real characteristics to show themselves. My brother got a PhD and I recall he was not in touch very often during that time…not because of anything that his family did…but because it took a lot of work to gather his thesis information and compile it together. It sounds like this guy thought he could balance having a relationship with his busy schedule…but he couldn’t. I agree with your assessment that he is FA, but not because he specifically saw you less and less…it is because he kept you wondering about the relationship while he figured things out. That is a sign of someone who doesn’t know how to communicate well. He likely doesn’t like conflict….which is why he texted you the breakup versus telling you in person or face to face. That is a cowardly move and I am sorry you experienced it. My brother has done the same thing to avoid “conflict”…meaning he doesn’t want to feel accountable for the questions and obvious sad feelings from the woman. I also tend to lean AP in relationships so I completely understand this line of questions….but if you don’t mind, I have a question for you. As the “relationship” was progressing and you were seeing him less and less..did you ever consider breaking it off with him since your needs were not being met? I ask this because I want the move the needle from victim of an FA to owner/empowerment of your needs. It is very typical for someone who is AP to hold onto a relationship in hopes that amazing guy from the beginning returns. Believe me, I have done that too. I also remember how shocked and embarrassed and angry and sad I was when the FA I dated broke up with me…because it was a 1 sided decision that I had no part in…and that hurt. I am glad to hear you are in therapy so you can discuss this with your therapist. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 8, 2021 18:02:16 GMT
anao, I'm sorry you're going through this, it's always quite difficult (especially when, as tnr9 mentioned, you're seeing someone a while and they make a poorly communicated and one-sided decision to break things off). I think between your own insight and the additional comments you've received, you have a pretty full view on what happened on your ex's end and why. I've dated several FA men, and it's not unusual for something to flip between 6 months and a year. Often, it's because things are settling into the partner becoming more permanent in their lives, which is obviously normal and what people want to happen if they're looking for a serious relationship. But with an FA, this can subconsciously wreak havoc on their nervous systems, because their baseline is please get close, but not TOO close, wait too close, go away, too far, come back but not all the way! Without awareness or having proper coping tools, they deactivate without understanding why but at this stage assume it's the relationship and partner that just aren't "right" for them. In similar situations, I've heard a lot of versions of, "I don't feel the way I think I'm supposed to at this point" without any spoken indication that anything was even wrong at any point. The tell is always actions and words not being lined up, though. Anyone who is normalizing pushing you away but saying everything is fine in the relationship (even though it's no longer actually moving forward with any momentum) isn't fully committed (generally due to their own issues or they'd be able to communicate better and more authentically). That's a huge red flag that will save you some time, and it's not unique to FAs. The most difficult part I experienced as an AP when dealing with breakups is getting stuck in emotional processing and ruminating without being able to actually move forward after a certain point. Yes, I wanted to understand everything, and eventually I felt like I did and it helped me earn secure... but it was more likely I had earned secure through the process of working out my issues and that made me able to process my backlog of things that still felt like loose ends in my life rather than the other way around. Think about the stages of grief: there's denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, acceptance. I do think there's something to be said for having to actually go through these stages, even if not linearly, but when I was AP I'd generally skip anger and then get stuck in rumination bargaining in my own head, and because of my own insecurities and fear of abandonment and subsequent tendency to abandon myself (and desire to keep some sort of continued connection to the ex), I couldn't fully make it further than that. I didn't know or understand this at the time, of course. You do need time to get over breakups, that's natural and normal and doesn't happen immediately. But getting to the core problem here, which is in your AP style and not about your ex or the breakup, I suggest talking to your therapist about tools and exercises that can help you learn to fully process your emotions. anne12 also posts information and exercises in the general forum you can browse, such as this thread: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1072/healing-anxious-ambivalent-attatchment-tricksBeing aware of your own style and working through it, especially with a therapist, is a lot you should feel good about yourself about. It takes quite some time to work through to earn secure, and while you're having a setback right now, your goal for yourself is definitely doable! I only got fully secure after a second breakup with the same longer-term FA ex I had because it allowed me to see the full attachment cycle and dynamics of patterns so clearly, so it hurts a lot now but truly may help you if you can take the experience and focus on yourself and your needs, and which actually were and weren't met in that relationship.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 8, 2021 18:05:43 GMT
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anao
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by anao on Aug 8, 2021 18:36:44 GMT
Hey, seems like you already understand everything and just need to accept things as they are. You cannot navigate his coping mechanisms and there is no way to talk to him about it either. You might tell him about your impression of him being a FA and hope that he looks into it. It is my firm belief that there is nothing you can do beside that. If you internalize this, then you will be able to make your peace with the situation and focus on what you can actually change : yourself. Hi Kekko, thanks for the reply. I'm having a hard time accepting and making peace with the situation. I hope I'll get there soon |
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anao
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by anao on Aug 8, 2021 18:43:52 GMT
Hi everyone, I found this forum while looking for explanations for my ex FA's behaviour. I am aware I can't get any answers from him, so I'm hoping to either get some insight, or to just clarify my thoughts a bit while writing this. I am AP, have been in therapy for almost three years and was working towards secure when I met my ex. I feel like I'm back at AP at this point and need to put in the work to get secure. We have been together for a year and two months. At first it was my ideal relationship: my boyfriend was present, in constant communication, and we were seeing each other about twice a week, with one time per week staying over at his place. He told me he loved me about three months in the relationship. I liked that he didn't push for meeting too often, which in my past relationships got me to lose myself. He is very busy with his work, plus finishing a phd and building his own company. After reading more about FAs I get that keeping busy is also a way to distance themselves from contact with people. Anyway, I've been giving him space to get his work done and didn't push him too much, especially since he was constant in meeting and texting. Things started changing gradually about 7 months into the relationship - first a 'would you mind if you didn't spend the night? I'm having trouble sleeping at the moment' which without me realising turned into a new normal. Then he started taking on more and more work. The twice per week became three times/two weeks and eventually once a week. There were always excuses - too busy, then decided to change jobs, bought his first flat and the stress of moving and redecorating. Again, he was keeping me informed about everything, but I could also feel like he was building a separate life for himself. Every time I brought up the subject of seeing each other more or spending the night he would become very defensive and wouldn't be able to tell me why he couldn't do these things. He would try to make the changes I would ask for. About three weeks ago, he was very stressed with finishing his phd corrections and in a panic about it. He wanted to come and see me and was stressing out that he had no time for it and that I would get annoyed with him and finally have enough of it. I told him I understood that he was busy and asked him to focus on his phd, reassured him that i was there for him and that he had my support if he needed it. Two more weeks passed without seeing each other, with constant contact through texts. Then a week ago he sends me a text to tell me that he would be happier if he wasn't in a relationship and that he wanted to focus on the new job he is about to start. I was crushed. Rationally, I understand where all of this comes from and I understand that there is nothing I could do about it. But it hurts so much. It hurts that he decided to end it with a very cold text, which is opposite to his usual loving texts and to the boyfriend I had in the beginning.It hurts that he couldn't find comfort in the relationship and to realise that he saw the relationship as another sort of 'job' that he needed to excel at. It's so strange to speak with a person every day and then suddenly they are not in your life any longer. I know I need to work on myself and look for secure partners. I'm just left confused and know I can't get any answers from him. I'm not even sure he has any answers. Hi there and welcome to the forums…first, it is great that you have insight into your own insecurity…..that is really important in moving forward from here. In all relationships, the very beginning is when people are putting on their best behaviors but also know very little about the other person and it is a time when insecure patterns are hidden due to an excitement over the “potential”, “fantasy” of the other person. We all do it, even secures do it. The difference is that a secure person knows that this is the discovery phase when both people are checking each out and as such, realizes that it takes time for the real characteristics to show themselves. My brother got a PhD and I recall he was not in touch very often during that time…not because of anything that his family did…but because it took a lot of work to gather his thesis information and compile it together. It sounds like this guy thought he could balance having a relationship with his busy schedule…but he couldn’t. I agree with your assessment that he is FA, but not because he specifically saw you less and less…it is because he kept you wondering about the relationship while he figured things out. That is a sign of someone who doesn’t know how to communicate well. He likely doesn’t like conflict….which is why he texted you the breakup versus telling you in person or face to face. That is a cowardly move and I am sorry you experienced it. My brother has done the same thing to avoid “conflict”…meaning he doesn’t want to feel accountable for the questions and obvious sad feelings from the woman. I also tend to lean AP in relationships so I completely understand this line of questions….but if you don’t mind, I have a question for you. As the “relationship” was progressing and you were seeing him less and less..did you ever consider breaking it off with him since your needs were not being met? I ask this because I want the move the needle from victim of an FA to owner/empowerment of your needs. It is very typical for someone who is AP to hold onto a relationship in hopes that amazing guy from the beginning returns. Believe me, I have done that too. I also remember how shocked and embarrassed and angry and sad I was when the FA I dated broke up with me…because it was a 1 sided decision that I had no part in…and that hurt. I am glad to hear you are in therapy so you can discuss this with your therapist. Hi tnr9, thanks for the reply. I have been considering breaking up with him for a while. I was exercising asking for what I needed from the relationship (which led to the only two disagreements we had in the 14 months together). I was prepared to break up with him if after his Phd submission things continued in the same way. I do see now that I've been basically finding excuses for his behaviour and just postponing an inevitable breakup (typical AP behaviour of waiting and hoping). I'll continue working on my attachment style and learn my lessons  |
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anao
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by anao on Aug 8, 2021 18:54:23 GMT
anao , I'm sorry you're going through this, it's always quite difficult (especially when, as tnr9 mentioned, you're seeing someone a while and they make a poorly communicated and one-sided decision to break things off). I think between your own insight and the additional comments you've received, you have a pretty full view on what happened on your ex's end and why. I've dated several FA men, and it's not unusual for something to flip between 6 months and a year. Often, it's because things are settling into the partner becoming more permanent in their lives, which is obviously normal and what people want to happen if they're looking for a serious relationship. But with an FA, this can subconsciously wreak havoc on their nervous systems, because their baseline is please get close, but not TOO close, wait too close, go away, too far, come back but not all the way! Without awareness or having proper coping tools, they deactivate without understanding why but at this stage assume it's the relationship and partner that just aren't "right" for them. In similar situations, I've heard a lot of versions of, "I don't feel the way I think I'm supposed to at this point" without any spoken indication that anything was even wrong at any point. The tell is always actions and words not being lined up, though. Anyone who is normalizing pushing you away but saying everything is fine in the relationship (even though it's no longer actually moving forward with any momentum) isn't fully committed (generally due to their own issues or they'd be able to communicate better and more authentically). That's a huge red flag that will save you some time, and it's not unique to FAs. The most difficult part I experienced as an AP when dealing with breakups is getting stuck in emotional processing and ruminating without being able to actually move forward after a certain point. Yes, I wanted to understand everything, and eventually I felt like I did and it helped me earn secure... but it was more likely I had earned secure through the process of working out my issues and that made me able to process my backlog of things that still felt like loose ends in my life rather than the other way around. Think about the stages of grief: there's denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, acceptance. I do think there's something to be said for having to actually go through these stages, even if not linearly, but when I was AP I'd generally skip anger and then get stuck in rumination bargaining in my own head, and because of my own insecurities and fear of abandonment and subsequent tendency to abandon myself (and desire to keep some sort of continued connection to the ex), I couldn't fully make it further than that. I didn't know or understand this at the time, of course. You do need time to get over breakups, that's natural and normal and doesn't happen immediately. But getting to the core problem here, which is in your AP style and not about your ex or the breakup, I suggest talking to your therapist about tools and exercises that can help you learn to fully process your emotions. anne12 also posts information and exercises in the general forum you can browse, such as this thread: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1072/healing-anxious-ambivalent-attatchment-tricksBeing aware of your own style and working through it, especially with a therapist, is a lot you should feel good about yourself about. It takes quite some time to work through to earn secure, and while you're having a setback right now, your goal for yourself is definitely doable! I only got fully secure after a second breakup with the same longer-term FA ex I had because it allowed me to see the full attachment cycle and dynamics of patterns so clearly, so it hurts a lot now but truly may help you if you can take the experience and focus on yourself and your needs, and which actually were and weren't met in that relationship. Hi Alexandra, many thanks for your reply and for the link to the other thread. It's all been exceptionally helpful, since I can't really talk about attachment styles with my friends. I think I am stuck in the same phase of rumination you mention, combined with a bit of denial. I usually have difficulty feeling anger, and that is also something I've been working on with my therapist. I didn't know about attachment styles at the beginning of the relationship, and I think on some level the distance in this relationship helped me a great deal since all my previous relationships were co-dependent. My therapist started slowly nudging me into the direction of figuring out on my own the attachment style of my ex. She's been especially vocal about the importance of getting my needs met and the importance of asking for what I wanted, with all the fear that follows. I'll focus firstly on healing from this breakup and then taking care of myself and moving towards secure. |
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 9, 2021 0:52:21 GMT
Hi everyone, I found this forum while looking for explanations for my ex FA's behaviour. I am aware I can't get any answers from him, so I'm hoping to either get some insight, or to just clarify my thoughts a bit while writing this. I am AP, have been in therapy for almost three years and was working towards secure when I met my ex. I feel like I'm back at AP at this point and need to put in the work to get secure. We have been together for a year and two months. At first it was my ideal relationship: my boyfriend was present, in constant communication, and we were seeing each other about twice a week, with one time per week staying over at his place. He told me he loved me about three months in the relationship. I liked that he didn't push for meeting too often, which in my past relationships got me to lose myself. He is very busy with his work, plus finishing a phd and building his own company. After reading more about FAs I get that keeping busy is also a way to distance themselves from contact with people. Anyway, I've been giving him space to get his work done and didn't push him too much, especially since he was constant in meeting and texting. Things started changing gradually about 7 months into the relationship - first a 'would you mind if you didn't spend the night? I'm having trouble sleeping at the moment' which without me realising turned into a new normal. Then he started taking on more and more work. The twice per week became three times/two weeks and eventually once a week. There were always excuses - too busy, then decided to change jobs, bought his first flat and the stress of moving and redecorating. Again, he was keeping me informed about everything, but I could also feel like he was building a separate life for himself. Every time I brought up the subject of seeing each other more or spending the night he would become very defensive and wouldn't be able to tell me why he couldn't do these things. He would try to make the changes I would ask for. About three weeks ago, he was very stressed with finishing his phd corrections and in a panic about it. He wanted to come and see me and was stressing out that he had no time for it and that I would get annoyed with him and finally have enough of it. I told him I understood that he was busy and asked him to focus on his phd, reassured him that i was there for him and that he had my support if he needed it. Two more weeks passed without seeing each other, with constant contact through texts. Then a week ago he sends me a text to tell me that he would be happier if he wasn't in a relationship and that he wanted to focus on the new job he is about to start. I was crushed. Rationally, I understand where all of this comes from and I understand that there is nothing I could do about it. But it hurts so much. It hurts that he decided to end it with a very cold text, which is opposite to his usual loving texts and to the boyfriend I had in the beginning.It hurts that he couldn't find comfort in the relationship and to realise that he saw the relationship as another sort of 'job' that he needed to excel at. It's so strange to speak with a person every day and then suddenly they are not in your life any longer. I know I need to work on myself and look for secure partners. I'm just left confused and know I can't get any answers from him. I'm not even sure he has any answers. Hi Anao, seems your ex is pretty avoidant and I applaud you for being aware of your own attachment style. From what I can deduce from your story above, I can say you did all the right thing. It is very secure of you to give him as much space as possible and of course, there is a BARE MINIMUM in any relationship whereby you expect. Absolutely nothing wrong with that and it seems that your ex is unwilling to even put in the bare minimum in, using his busy schedule as an excuse. However as avoidants do, they see relationships as "chores" and when the going gets tough, the relationship gets going...out the window. They won't stick around to want to work things through to come to a happy medium. Very disappointing, very uninspiring and just the way they are. I truly believe there is no one THAT busy on this planet unless they made it so. When people want to, they will always make time. Unfortunately, when people don't make time for you and the relationship, believe that you and the relationship is pretty low on the totem pole. You will not get any closure from him. As an avoidant, he doesn't know how to. I guess the closure is that he prioritise everything else before you and the relationship. Sad but that's not what you want in life. |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 9, 2021 7:00:12 GMT
anao Maybe this can be helpfull for you to watch as a woman About the masculine and the “worth it” equation ect. Men calculate if something / a relationship is worth: - his time - his energy - his resources - his attention Worth it is an instinct Men are result oriented, single focused, got tunnel vision when they are on “a mission” ect. And men goes through different lifestages, where whats “worth it” changes. Whats worth it for a man in his 30’ties and 40´ties is totally different than in his 50’ties and 60`ties according to Allison Armstrong. youtu.be/nSPTlWWB1TUAll the stress about his phd and getting a new job can put him in a kind of (low level) survival mode (sympathetic fight, flight mode) and then there is not much room for love - the prefrontal cortex can go off Line for a while. FA’s can have a tendencie to end things aruptly. (You write that his got some fa style) From the healing desorganised/FA thread: ”If your partner could be under a lot of stress and stops the relationship out of nowhere: Find out if there are many things happening in your partners life, so it's clear if your partners thoughts fly around on everything else. For example, a new apartment, a new job and a life as a student after some years of sabbath. Right now, your partners behavior is not normal, but you nterpret it as a natural stage and do not know if you should let your partner push you away and sometimes hurt you every time, but support your partners situation right now and hope for a few days / weeks a normal level again? Does your partner end up feeling sorry for her/his behavior and is willing to fight for it?” Remember - If you have too much threat/stress going on in a relationship or in your life, you'll lose the part of your brain that's actually interested in connection, intimacy, love, authenticity, and vulnerability A therapist whos desorganised client cancelled several sessions jebkinnisonforum.com/post/28221/Something about stress: Some people are more sensitive to stress than others. FA’s have grown up with at least some kind of stress as a child, and if they havent worked on balancing their nerveussystem and building more resillence, then stressfull events can affect them more than other people. Also a hsp person ect. can get more affected by stress than non hsp… We only got a certain amount of energy each day. Some people got more than others. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/41392/ jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25484/ - primitive instinctive reactions and stress reactions jebkinnisonforum.com/post/31562/ - when men are stressed they can be less attracted to you … When can you say “I love you” jebkinnisonforum.com/post/40957/Not that this nessarily is an excuse for his behavior….just some input Some of the avoidants who have been on the board often write that when theres a lot going on in their lives, their relationship often comes last… maryisback and other (unhealed) da´s It can be a “if I dont take care of my work, my economy first, then I am not going to survive”… I have made a post about breakups when we are stressed, in survival mode but I am not able to find it right now. Maybe alexandra or some of the other boardmembers knows where to find it ?
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Post by alexandra on Aug 9, 2021 9:31:33 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Aug 9, 2021 9:37:38 GMT
Hi alexandra That was fast. I thought you were sleeping 😳 Nope, thats not the one…but thank you! |
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anao
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by anao on Aug 9, 2021 10:22:35 GMT
Hi anne12, many thanks for your reply. This brings so much insight into what happened in the past months. I think I knew that he would give up the relationship the moment he said he was stressing out about not being able to see me, on top of the stress for his phd. It was too much and he gave up the one thing he could without compromising his career. Rationally, I understand everything (and I guess that's also why I've been so patient, thinking it was just this period and things would get better once the phd and the old job were out of the way) and I know there was nothing else I could to change the outcome. Emotionally, I find it a bit difficult to accept it. This is probably where my AP tendencies come in. I know I need to focus on healing my broken heart and moving on, and on moving towards secure. The links you have shared are an amazing resource and I thank you for them. If you know of any other thread for healing I can look into, I would be extremely grateful. |
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anao
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by anao on Aug 9, 2021 10:26:02 GMT
Hi dullboat123, thanks for the insight. I am quite proud that if there is one thing he can't say about me is that I was needy or demanding. Even with the breakup, I saw no point in arguing or pleading as his decision was already made. I need to work on myself to leave the relationship the moment I express my needs and they are still not being met. |
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anao
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by anao on Aug 27, 2021 15:45:09 GMT
My FA ex is back. One month on the dot. He only wants sex and to not be in a relationship, but he is acting as if we were still in a relationship. But without the obligations of one  I guess this is the FA starting a new cycle? Luckily I'm aware of what's going on and am in a good place since the breakup and can clearly see there can be no relationship with him. This entire experience has been so strange! |
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I guess this is the FA starting a new cycle? Luckily I'm aware of what's going on and am in a good place since the breakup and can clearly see there can be no relationship with him. This entire experience has been so strange!