|
|
Post by angie0625 on Aug 9, 2021 16:14:18 GMT
I told my story a few days ago…but I’m looking for some answers to what is typical for FA’s. I really want to learn what’s going through his mind and how to best approach him.
In brief, My FA and I broke up mid July. He has been running away from me ever since. I mean literally, running away. Even though we are in no contact, we see each a lot. He is going out of his way to not look at me, cross paths, everything. I saw him the other day and he jumped out of his parked car and starting walking away to avoid seeing or talking to me.
Our break up was over something minor but he saw it as a huge deal and a betrayal of trust. (Me replying to one of his friends on Snapchat and he assumed we were talking about him behind his back. We weren’t). I really love him and want to make this work but I can’t even get anything out of him. Do FA’s ever get out of this mode? Will I ever be able to even talk to him again? Thoughts on our future and how to proceed?
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 9, 2021 16:42:03 GMT
I told my story a few days ago…but I’m looking for some answers to what is typical for FA’s. I really want to learn what’s going through his mind and how to best approach him. In brief, My FA and I broke up mid July. He has been running away from me ever since. I mean literally, running away. Even though we are in no contact, we see each a lot. He is going out of his way to not look at me, cross paths, everything. I saw him the other day and he jumped out of his parked car and starting walking away to avoid seeing or talking to me. Our break up was over something minor but he saw it as a huge deal and a betrayal of trust. (Me replying to one of his friends on Snapchat and he assumed we were talking about him behind his back. We weren’t). I really love him and want to make this work but I can’t even get anything out of him. Do FA’s ever get out of this mode? Will I ever be able to even talk to him again? Thoughts on our future and how to proceed? Hi Angie….instead of looking at his behavior as a challenge to overcome….can you look at it instead as a sign that he is not a good match for you? Someone who avoids another person at all costs is someone who has some deep seated issues with conflict. I know that isn’t what you are asking above, but learning about FA attachment behavior and changing your behavior in order to try to win him back is only going to lead to resentment on your part. We have had many members in this community who actually have dated their ex who hadFA for a second time, but unfortunately none of those worked out because there was no interest in addressing the underlying wounds that caused them to develop FA attachment…so it simply ended in another breakup. Have you spent any time with yourself processing through the break up and how it made you feel? |
|
|
|
Post by angie0625 on Aug 9, 2021 16:53:56 GMT
Yes, I have and I’m working on me. I only discovered attachment styles since our break up and so much makes sense now. There’s so much that I would have done differently had I known what I know now.
I love him and am in love with him…but mostly I care about him as a person and his well being. Even if we never get back together, I want to be part of his life no matter what.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 9, 2021 18:55:54 GMT
Yes, I have and I’m working on me. I only discovered attachment styles since our break up and so much makes sense now. There’s so much that I would have done differently had I known what I know now. I love him and am in love with him…but mostly I care about him as a person and his well being. Even if we never get back together, I want to be part of his life no matter what. Part of loving someone is giving that person the freedom to decide whether he wants to stay in contact with you. Caring about him means paying attention to his needs and it seems for now, he is letting you know that he needs some space. The best thing you can do is just to let him be for now. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 9, 2021 20:41:06 GMT
I only discovered attachment styles since our break up and so much makes sense now. There’s so much that I would have done differently had I known what I know now. I had the opportunity to do this. Figure out my AP mistakes and date an FA again a year later when I was a lot more secure. It didn't change anything, because he had no interest in addressing his issues with intimacy, trust, and communication, and lack of conflict resolution skills. I acted totally differently, he repeated his cycle exactly. Attachment theory doesn't teach you how to enable a relationship with another insecure attacher. You didn't cause his issues, and you can't fix them, not even with your own behavioral changes. If someone is running away from you, respect their boundaries. Just because he can't express himself properly doesn't mean he doesn't require the space. Nothing pushes me away harder than having my boundaries violated and not getting space when I need it. It's a continued violation of trust if it's not respected. He's told you how he's felt to the best of his ability. Pushing him before he's ready will make things worse, and trigger his deactivation further, with good reason! If you love him, this is what he needs right now. It's not all or nothing, that you need fix this right now. That's your fear (of abandonment) speaking, as you feel out of control of the situation when it's his choice. If you love yourself too, don't pursue someone who can't meet your needs and stokes your fears. There are other ways to address your anxiety and take responsibility and control over focusing on yourself, he is actually not the answer. Don't abandon yourself in the process. |
|
|
|
Post by anapol on Aug 10, 2021 1:42:40 GMT
I experienced the same thing from an FA ex. I thought I was the only one. I mean I understand there are fight or flight responses, but that flight was so literal.
All love to FA's though. Just wanted to comment because I haven't been able to understand it despite all my reading on attachment stuff. |
|
|
|
Post by dullboat123 on Aug 10, 2021 1:54:53 GMT
Yes, I have and I’m working on me. I only discovered attachment styles since our break up and so much makes sense now. There’s so much that I would have done differently had I known what I know now. I love him and am in love with him…but mostly I care about him as a person and his well being. Even if we never get back together, I want to be part of his life no matter what. Mark my words. This will not end well if you continue pursuing him. Once an avoidant checks out, its like a broken mirror and avoidants have the special ability to just focus on the cracks even when the mirror is superglued together. I want you to think of a guy in your experience that likes you but you have no interest in him but he keeps pursuing you, text you, likes your Facebook post, linger around you, asking you out.....and all you think is "Eww, no. Please go away.". <-- you're being like that to your ex now. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 10, 2021 2:47:20 GMT
I experienced the same thing from an FA ex. I thought I was the only one. I mean I understand there are fight or flight responses, but that flight was so literal.
All love to FA's though. Just wanted to comment because I haven't been able to understand it despite all my reading on attachment stuff. It's because their nervous system gets disregulated by even the thought and perception of conflict, and they can't deal with it, so they avoid the situation very literally to remove the perceived "threat" and feel regulated again. It's fear, and even though you're not really a threat, someone in their past was at some point. It wasn't dealt with in a healthy way way back when, and this is how it goes until the person stops running from themselves and is willing to sit down with themselves (and preferably a decent therapist) and do the hard work of healing and fixing it and learning new tools to cope with conflict and fear. |
|
|
|
Post by krolle on Aug 10, 2021 3:15:39 GMT
Can someone explain what "do the work" means in the context of all this stuff. I hear it all the time.
It's another one of those things that I'm sure has a lot of meaning, but my brain processes it as a vague cliche.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 10, 2021 3:20:14 GMT
Can someone explain what "do the work" means in the context of all this stuff. I hear it all the time. It's another one of those things that I'm sure has a lot of meaning, but my brain processes it as a vague cliche. What I mean is stop avoiding, blaming, projecting, and confront your own history, issues, admit to yourself where your nervous system and responses are dysfunctional, and come to terms with it all to heal. Be honest with yourself, connect to yourself, learn the words to describe your narrative, learn to trust yourself, learn to trust others, learn to fully process your emotions, learn healthy coping mechanisms, conflict resolution skills, communication skills, and boundaries, forgive yourself for what you've endured, empower yourself to move on and take responsibility and control of your life. Rewire your nervous system and process and heal the trauma. That probably isn't all-inclusive, and the same methods don't work for everyone, but no matter how you do it and how deliberate or conscious you are about it -- it's a lot of hard work! |
|
