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Post by onastring on Nov 3, 2017 20:03:22 GMT
Some help please! After a LT Relationship with my DA girlfriend in which there was talk of marriage, she accepted a job in a different city and moved away. She has refused to engage with me about our relationship and each time I try she claims she doesn't want any expectations of her and they she just doesn't have the energy to deal with us etc. Typically DA, according to what I have read. I am devastated about it. I have recently decided to giver her space in hope that she may reflect and return to me but it seems she is just going ahead and getting on with her life. It is possible that in spite of there being no clear ending between us, I may never hear from her again. She has left me and our cats, which were her deep desire to get in the first place. She has been gone for three months. As a DA, is it a case of out of sight out of mind? Has she detached fully and is likely to let things just fizzle out without feeling a need to contact me about an ending? Would this be typical DA behaviour?
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Post by DearLover on Nov 3, 2017 20:40:24 GMT
The question you could be asking yourself is:
Why do I want to hear from her and carry on with this relationship after everything that was said and done?
I am also dealing with a ghost DA, my opinion is: as soon as they start to feel some guilt and shame about their behaviour and character they move on as quick as they can and get busy with other stuff in their life pretending the past never happened. To open themselves up and recognise that they created damage, to apologise, means that they will have to face their own ugliness and pain as well as having to deal with the consequences of their acts and the rightness of your feelings. Since this is too much for them to cope with the easiest option is to run.
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Post by onastring on Nov 5, 2017 10:11:44 GMT
Thanks Dearlover. Your post has given me a lot to think about. I've been reading about Ghosting and wow. This seems to be what's happening. Personally I just don't understand doing this to someone. I had also not considered the depth an avoidant mentality can go - someone being avoidant of their own emotions so as to avoid intimacy within themselves makes sense. Why I would continue is also an excellent question. Knowing her past trauma and pain as I do, I think I really want to be the problem solver. But increasingly I realise this isn't possible. Firstly, she isn't letting me help her anyway and secondly, she is an adult and shoulld take responsibility. I have never been with a DA before. I have to say it's the most painful experience. I'm sorry to hear you are going through it too, but thanks for your comment and openness.
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Post by DearLover on Nov 5, 2017 13:58:20 GMT
We sometimes hide in a cloak of being 'helpful, loving, empathic, healer' and try to change our partners so we don't have to the work and change our own selves. It is easier to think that they are the problem and everything would be perfect if they only fixed themselves...but...
1 - what are we lacking?
2 - what are we running from?
3 - why do we let other people hurt us? perhaps to mask the pain that was there before and we didn't have the resources and courage to deal with.
Anyway, pain means growth in these situations, don't avoid or mask the pain, purge it.
As for the DAs, they are probably the most insecure, self loathing people on this planet, their pain is greater than ours and is accumulating. We send them love and light and we move on.
Take care.
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jack
New Member
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Post by jack on Nov 6, 2017 1:10:13 GMT
I found this forum yesterday and it is helpful. My experience is I took our relationship real slow where we both identified yellow flags (no red) to be intentional After 6 months, I asked for a break for a few weeks which hurt her deeply. She was so loyal and committed and I wanted to do the same. After the break I slowed my assessing, where I valued and loved for who she was. About 8 months later when she learned her 31 yo married daughter didn't want to share time with me she pulled back. This led to us breaking abruptly when I invited her to Christmas eve dinner where she just wanted peace and didn't want strife with her daughter. When she spoke of her fear of being hurt, perhaps not deserving true love and being more comfortable in misery my heart went out to her. A few months later we slowly reengaged for 5 months though not she was fearful and anxious most of the time. After a weekend with her daughter she broke with me and went silent. The two abrupt endings are shockingly painful. In my mind I believe she is shallow, selfish, lacks purpose/passion in life that I was aware of early in our relationship. It seems as I got to understand and value her I wanted so much good for her where I saw much hope (perhaps fantasy) as well as glimpses of her freely laughing and initiating with confidence - my heart melted. Yet she stepped back from those times like she touched a hot stove - painful to observe. When she became close or joyful I could predict she'd soon be aloof which pained me. She did not want to talk and believed therapy or any outside professional could not help her, noting her sadness and confusion. So I hung in and she pulled the plug in a cold matter of fact way as my jaw hung open. It seems to odd to love and care for someone so much and in a moment's notice be on my own like it never existed.
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 13, 2017 19:18:49 GMT
We sometimes hide in a cloak of being 'helpful, loving, empathic, healer' and try to change our partners so we don't have to the work and change our own selves. It is easier to think that they are the problem and everything would be perfect if they only fixed themselves...but... 1 - what are we lacking? 2 - what are we running from? 3 - why do we let other people hurt us? perhaps to mask the pain that was there before and we didn't have the resources and courage to deal with. Anyway, pain means growth in these situations, don't avoid or mask the pain, purge it. As for the DAs, they are probably the most insecure, self loathing people on this planet, their pain is greater than ours and is accumulating. We send them love and light and we move on. Take care. I can answer some of these questions and perhaps it will help others recognize the WHY of what we all do when we are "loving" these DA's. 1) I am lacking a sense of who I am. I was raised by an alcoholic and a drug addict. My childhood was spent in fear. What would I come home to? My sister yelling and screaming and getting hit by my father? My mom with a cigarette in her hand, dangerously close to burning her chair. There were nights when I knew she was drugged up and smoking in her chair and I would go down and check every half an hour, finally sensing she was asleep and slipping the cigarette out of her hand. Then, only then could this ten year get some sleep. I never got the parenting every child deserves. I parented my parents, but never learned how to be my own parent. I'm learning that now. 2) I was running from feelings of abandonment and abuse. I let go of my DA 7 weeks ago. I am now allowing the fear, the sadness, the grief. It is affecting everything in my life, but I never allowed those feelings before. Now that I am feeling them, I can let them go and slowly move forward to a healthier life. 3) I only knew that people who loved me, hurt me. I was raised to be a good little co-dependant. Ironically, I have been the one to leave my three major relationships. There is enough strength inside of me and desire to feel what real love might feel like, that I push forward. This forum has helped me be even stronger than I was. Knowing we all have a similar situation and that I am not alone is priceless. |
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Post by DearLover on Dec 5, 2017 23:52:46 GMT
We sometimes hide in a cloak of being 'helpful, loving, empathic, healer' and try to change our partners so we don't have to the work and change our own selves. It is easier to think that they are the problem and everything would be perfect if they only fixed themselves...but... 1 - what are we lacking? 2 - what are we running from? 3 - why do we let other people hurt us? perhaps to mask the pain that was there before and we didn't have the resources and courage to deal with. Anyway, pain means growth in these situations, don't avoid or mask the pain, purge it. As for the DAs, they are probably the most insecure, self loathing people on this planet, their pain is greater than ours and is accumulating. We send them love and light and we move on. Take care. I can answer some of these questions and perhaps it will help others recognize the WHY of what we all do when we are "loving" these DA's. 1) I am lacking a sense of who I am. I was raised by an alcoholic and a drug addict. My childhood was spent in fear. What would I come home to? My sister yelling and screaming and getting hit by my father? My mom with a cigarette in her hand, dangerously close to burning her chair. There were nights when I knew she was drugged up and smoking in her chair and I would go down and check every half an hour, finally sensing she was asleep and slipping the cigarette out of her hand. Then, only then could this ten year get some sleep. I never got the parenting every child deserves. I parented my parents, but never learned how to be my own parent. I'm learning that now. 2) I was running from feelings of abandonment and abuse. I let go of my DA 7 weeks ago. I am now allowing the fear, the sadness, the grief. It is affecting everything in my life, but I never allowed those feelings before. Now that I am feeling them, I can let them go and slowly move forward to a healthier life. 3) I only knew that people who loved me, hurt me. I was raised to be a good little co-dependant. Ironically, I have been the one to leave my three major relationships. There is enough strength inside of me and desire to feel what real love might feel like, that I push forward. This forum has helped me be even stronger than I was. Knowing we all have a similar situation and that I am not alone is priceless. Great awareness, good luck on your journey. |
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