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Post by annieb on Aug 12, 2021 13:20:06 GMT
I experience it as well.. . The most common thing I experience however is that I feel like my anxious tendencies push me towards the avoidant side. I mean when I feel like I am getting anxious over a connection with someone I shut down and kind of persuade myself that I do not care about them anymore as they are taking too much space in my mind This is interesting. So you thoughts/feeling can change that quick? In a week or a day? Even if things are going well? For me for a long time this was the only indicator that I was in actual physical or emotional harm danger. I hung on to relationships, abusive relationships and this feelings change in a rapid succession usually is a and was a good indicator I needed to get out. So it served a purpose. I’m not really taking about secure great relationships, I’ve never been in one of those personally 😅. From the good relationships I remember , I’ve had one in which I was expected to fulfill a role that I couldn’t fulfill, with an AP, and I of course left I that relationship in the fear of engulfment (I was expected to plan all my weekends for this person, and in a way dedicate my life to him more or less (move countries)), but I was still expected to make a living in that country and live independently (work and have my own place, but then when would I clean said place?). In another good relationship with an AP, I wasn’t sure about him, but he dedicated his weekends to me and his life to me so to speak, moved into my apartment and I needed to support him financially and emotionally and I freaked (internally:) externally I’m very composed. These were two times where the fear of engulfment was strong and I left both these relationships. When I’ve been with a DA (abusive in my case) I’ve had the fear of engulfment as part of the abuse cycle, where they would come back remorseful to try again, after abuse. So now when I get that rapid cycling feeling of longing for them and dreading them, I know it’s an abusive person coming my way. Hope this makes some kind of sense. |
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Post by annieb on Aug 12, 2021 13:27:00 GMT
I think when you’re describing your ex, she may have had a fawning trauma response. That’s very common, and that’s why people like the FAs so much and chase them as they give you that initial validation. But you have to look inwards why you fell for that. Why you needed the validation from her fawning.
I’ve done that, my last two dating relationships where with FAs who were fawning and I didn’t catch on to it. It was ridiculous after everything I learned I still was validation seeking and took their validation. The last thing I want is some person’s trauma response and to exploit that.
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gus23
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Post by gus23 on Aug 12, 2021 15:47:35 GMT
I think when you’re describing your ex, she may have had a fawning trauma response. That’s very common, and that’s why people like the FAs so much and chase them as they give you that initial validation. But you have to look inwards why you fell for that. Why you needed the validation from her fawning. I’ve done that, my last two dating relationships where with FAs who were fawning and I didn’t catch on to it. It was ridiculous after everything I learned I still was validation seeking and took their validation. The last thing I want is some person’s trauma response and to exploit that. I read up on fawning trauma response and not sure if that fits in here. She didn't have the people pleasing aspect of it. She would like me know when she didn't want to do something (places for dates) and let me know if she was uncomfortable with the pace that things were moving. Early on she said she wanted to "take it slow" which I thought we were doing. She talked about a future with me, that of course got me excited about it too. But she was the one who would bring it up. Just about all the time we spend together in person was really good. She would tell me though when we were a part she had to remind herself how great we were together. She described it as "being in her head". To compare to what you said about your past relationships. On paper we were perfect for each other. We live about 5 miles apart, both own our homes, no debt, solid careers and very similar values. Now looking inward at myself. From the start a connection I hadn't felt before. It seemed like we just got each other. Normally, I am pretty shy, but with her I was so comfortable. The part of the relationship that did make me anxious was the intermittent reinforcement with texting. We didn't text all that often probably about 5 times a day if that.(which I mean by 5 is pressing the send button 5 times or less in a day) I'd send a text and sometimes I would get a response quickly, other times hours later, and sometimes not at all. (which made me feel ignored) (never doubled texted her) My behaviors were very consistent. I paid for everything, worked around her busy work/children schedule (otherwise I would have never seen her), followed thru on everything I told her. At the end of the day I don't think I could have done anything different for a better outcome. It just wasn't meant to be whatever the reason is. Fear/scared/commitment issues/past trauma. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 12, 2021 16:05:45 GMT
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gus23
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Post by gus23 on Aug 12, 2021 16:13:29 GMT
Yes, good article! That certainly isn't her. She had no issues when tell me she didn't agree with something I said. She also chose her words very carefully with what she said to me. She was brutally honest even if she knew it would hurt my feelings. Which I liked because honesty because it built trust that she wasn't just saying what she thought I wanted to hear. |
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 13, 2021 0:25:59 GMT
Yes, good article! That certainly isn't her. She had no issues when tell me she didn't agree with something I said. She also chose her words very carefully with what she said to me. She was brutally honest even if she knew it would hurt my feelings. Which I liked because honesty because it built trust that she wasn't just saying what she thought I wanted to hear. That's another avoidant trait - most tend to wear their hearts on the sleeves because they do not have the emotional quotient to be tactful. But when it comes to revealing things about them, they are careful as a mouse trying to steal cheese from under a cat's nose. |
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