Differences FA-AP

Specifically as a FA female I can describe a repulsion feeling. A feeling of there is no way I can fulfill this person’s expectations (perceived or real) and I need to self preserve and bounce. I believe it’s called fear of engulfment.

This is interesting. So you thoughts/feeling can change that quick? In a week or a day? Even if things are going well? 

Remember that it all about “internal” signals to external situations…

This is a main difference between AP and FA. AP do not do this and do not shut down. However, if they don't feel longing (because the other person is not pushing them away), they'll feel like they lost interest. But it's not shutting down.

The other major difference is AP do not trust themselves but do trust others. FA do not trust others or themselves. The AP fear of engulfment is unconscious but the fear of abandonment is very obvious. For FA, both fears switch between conscious and unconscious depending on which direction they are triggered.

So in summary, FA in relationships have a different set of defense mechanisms and pull and push back and forth between feeling anxious (distrust of self plus fear of abandonment) and feeling avoidant (distrust of others plus fear of engulfment), resulting in no consistency in behavior nor organized strategy in trying to get needs met in the relationship. AP only do and feel the anxious half of these, so it's more consistent though equally problematic for healthy long-term romantic connections.

Absolutely. An AP would push harder for connection and be unable to control the anxious fear of abandonment trigger. Another avoidant would instead feel hopeless and might shut down proactively to avoid more perceived rejection.

Thanks for the response! That's very insightful! Do you ever flip back once you have those thoughts? Or just done?

midnight77, it's not intuitive, but this usually connects back to dynamics from childhood. If you had an adult attachment figure who sometimes responded positively to what I'll call AP protests behaviors, then you learned that works and you'll keep trying. If nothing worked, it was random and chaotic, as was usually the case for an FA growing up, or if reaching out for connection led to punishment (so not simply being dismissed, the child actually getting conditioned that reaching out and expressing feelings leads to scariness), then you'd have learned that there's no point and to shut down instead while also learning to ignore and push down your own needs... to a kid, this may seem like a much better option than letting the hurt continue, and then your nervous system internalized it and it becomes involuntary and unconscious.