marta
New Member
Posts: 3
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Post by marta on Aug 10, 2021 7:24:10 GMT
I preface this by saying that English is not my language.
- You are a fearful avoidant and you push your partner away over and over ignoring and neglecting; why don't you leave the relationship for good? Why do you stay if your lack of enthusiasm is so evident? Cowardice? Affection? Is the relationship good in your mind?
- When your partner, who loves you deeply, finally gives up and leaves because there is no choice, what do you feel or think?
- If, after months or years, you received a polite message from your ex, what would you feel? Shame? Guilt? Regret? Nuisance? Dread? Longing? Contempt for their weakness? Do you feel menaced? Do you run away forever?
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Post by midnight77 on Aug 10, 2021 7:34:58 GMT
I preface this by saying that English is not my language. - You are a fearful avoidant and you push your partner away over and over ignoring and neglecting; why don't you leave the relationship for good? Why do you stay if your lack of enthusiasm is so evident? Cowardice? Affection? Is the relationship good in your mind? - When your partner, who loves you deeply, finally gives up and leaves because there is no choice, what do you feel or think? - If, after months or years, you received a polite message from your ex, what would you feel? Shame? Guilt? Regret? Nuisance? Dread? Longing? Contempt for their weakness? Do you feel menaced? Do you run away forever? I think we do not leave the relationship because we experience both avoidance and therefore fear of commitment as well as anxiety and consequent fear of abandonment. I believe it depends on which side our FA attachment leans. Being myself more anxious I would experience fear, be cold, detached, but would go back to my partner if nothing "threatening" happens. The same applies to how we react to breakups and our partner leaving us, I suppose. |
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Post by krolle on Aug 10, 2021 9:28:01 GMT
I preface this by saying that English is not my language. - You are a fearful avoidant and you push your partner away over and over ignoring and neglecting; why don't you leave the relationship for good? Why do you stay if your lack of enthusiasm is so evident? Cowardice? Affection? Is the relationship good in your mind? - When your partner, who loves you deeply, finally gives up and leaves because there is no choice, what do you feel or think? - If, after months or years, you received a polite message from your ex, what would you feel? Shame? Guilt? Regret? Nuisance? Dread? Longing? Contempt for their weakness? Do you feel menaced? Do you run away forever? Mostly fear. Like all humans we crave connection. But we don't trust it. As has been previously stated, FA have wounds of both Anxious and avoidant style. Pure avoidant get a bad wrap but I'd argue that FA/ disorganized style are the most difficult style to both be, and be partnered with, because of that doubling up on wounds. I find it hard to really end relationships, even when they are not healthy, or even dangerous, because of the panic of abandonment. AP's know they sensation. It's a type of panic, felt like a very unpleasant rush of adrenaline in the chest. Resultant behaviours can be very embarrassing in the long run. Sometimes you do or say almost anything to make that feeling go away and keep that person in your life. Conversely, if the person gets too close, or there is a threat of control/ enmeshment/ restriction I also feel fear. But it feels more like depression, disgust, anger or emptiness. As frustrating as it is to be on the receiving end of all this. (I know I'm FA but have dated several FA's too). It's also very exhausting and lonely to be FA. It's a constant juggling act where you are under a lot pressure from your body to meet your needs to connect intimately with someone, but then maintain a very fine "groove" of comfort where you're never fully invested but not really out either. We live in a trauma induced emotional limbo. And it's very lonely. And many of us spend the majority of our lives here. I'm lucky in some ways, that I have been able to identify I'm living living in this limbo, and the path with sent me through the gates. But as of yet, haven't found the exit sign. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 10, 2021 11:33:04 GMT
I preface this by saying that English is not my language. - You are a fearful avoidant and you push your partner away over and over ignoring and neglecting; why don't you leave the relationship for good? Why do you stay if your lack of enthusiasm is so evident? Cowardice? Affection? Is the relationship good in your mind? - When your partner, who loves you deeply, finally gives up and leaves because there is no choice, what do you feel or think? - If, after months or years, you received a polite message from your ex, what would you feel? Shame? Guilt? Regret? Nuisance? Dread? Longing? Contempt for their weakness? Do you feel menaced? Do you run away forever? Sooooo….without any context on your relationship, there is no way to explain the actions of your ex partner. Attachment wounding is a very personal thing and how I would react years after a breakup depends on how I felt about the partner at the time of the breakup and whether there was truly a bond. I am not a fan of sending letters to exes because the only person it relieves (temporarily) is the partner who still feels hurt. It means that you are still somewhat enmeshed with this person. |
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