Processing emotions

I’m not a therapist, but I would almost avoid “identifying” the emotion, if I could. I would think about what would soothe me and why. What would be my ideal circumstance so that I would feel content in this moment. What would have to happen.

I've only ever been able to do this with a help of a therapist, and not all three of the therapists I've had, but only one. I believe she is a total pro (she's worked as a therapist for 40 years), so I can describe how she does it. I tell a story, where I am confused and she tells a similar story from her life or a life of her patients. So it creates an empathy visual for me, and I can see myself from a place of another person. And since I look at others with more compassion, then through that route I am able to feel compassion for myself and that instantly validates my feelings. I feel a surge of dopamine and warmth.

To expand on my original post for anybody reading, I would like to document some of my experience with emotion and feelings. And some considerations which I have theorized might be relevant. Hopefully someone finds my thoughts useful.

One thing I was thinking the other day. I don't actually remember feeling hardly any positive feeling for quiet a long time.

The closest I would describe my ability to feel something slightly positive is adrenaline. High octane adrenaline filled experiences have brought a very temporary 'high' smile to my face. Plus occasionally Booze/pot. Though I recognize the poor longevity of using the first, and I rarely use the 2nd.

But without chemical aid, I have been very mindful for a while of an inability to feel pleasure, or joy, or happiness etc.

Just last night I was laid in a hammock, in a beautiful location, the temperature was pleasant, the bright orange sun getting lower over the water should have been majestic. But I tried for an hour to feel.....something. "maybe if I look at it this way? May be if I focus on the colors, maybe its because I'm alone?...Maybe if you stopped ruminating about it you d*ck!!"...but still, nothing.

I have been averse and resentful of emotions for a long time. because of the way I was brought up. But I never really thought about how many problems it has caused to be numb for so long.

For a start, I have lived the bulk of my adult life in a sort purgatory. I can't make decisions unless they are really forced on me, because without emotion or feelings you don't really want anything! I just sort of meander along in life reacting to things as they pop up. Directionless, lonely and unmotivated. There's no anticipation of feeling good about doing anything so no drive to pursue much .

Don't get me wrong. I still pursue things I need. But there's no real desire. Or hope I will enjoy it when I get it, including a relationship (which I both desperately want and desperately don't want....bacause FA). Just homestatic drives to feed myself when I am hungry, drink when I am thirsty, connect (superficially) when I'm lonely, pay bills to keep myself sheltered from the elements etc. But Food is bland, nature's majesty isn't moving. orgasms are without pleasure on the rare occasion I touch myself, mostly just a little relieving that the pressure male anatomy puts on me to climax has subsided for a little while.

I had taken for granted just how much emotion and feeling helps drive behaviour. Helps us make decisions, and provide feedback for future evaluation. I used to view my ability to be emotionally distant as a strength. And I suppose it has been in certain situations. But It has also robbed me of joy, and by extension much of a desire to engage in life.

My theory is that I lived my childhood as a very sensitive and emotional boy. But those things were unnaceptable and punished leading to a lot of trauma. So my nervous system over compensated by just going into shutdown. The system was overloaded and just crashed.

Have you had your dopamine/serotonin levels checked?  It may be that due to your childhood, these important neurotransmitters were negatively impacted.  B used to tell me all the time that he could not really feel…..he was numb a lot of the time and considered that having to check out when he was being hit with a belt by his father was at the root of that. He was also diagnosed with ADHD as a child.  He had a high tolerance for alcohol and pot and often relied on them to relax.

I was in a class once about attachment theory and the women who identified as avoidant struggled with the nuances of their emotions but could readily identify bodily discomfort or pain whereas…I was the opposite….I could go into great depths about my emotions but really struggled with identifying how my body felt.

I find it interesting as well….and another thing that struck me…..without knowing physically where I “end”…..I had a hard time with enmeshment.  I also had a hard time with boundaries…which I think is a big complaint of avoidant attachment leaning individuals.  There is this assumption that anxious attachment leaning individuals step over boundaries purposefully…..but I think….at least in my case….I numbed my body signals and thus my boundaries in order to try to have a relationship with my mom (who has huge boundaries).  So I had absolutely no idea I was walking over a boundary until it was pretty obvious…based on her getting angry or pulling away.  I was very in touch with my emotions from an early age.  I was colicky as a baby and I was difficult as a toddler is how my mom puts it.

The class was called restarting and it is a 3 part Christian set of classes…..forming, restarting and belonging.  Restarting went into the 4 attachment styles.

Yes, I’m a very imaginative person. I work in a creative field, so it comes in handy. But in my personal life the imagination does not serve me as well, I’m strongly discouraged by my therapist to daydream 😅.

I’m also medicated for ADHD and depression, so I have more access to dopamine on a regular day than I would without medication. But the fantasy, daydreaming and creativity was how I would get dopamine before unaware and unmedicated. I would go on grand artistic journey’s and make art and design things and homes and while I had relative success in that it was not sustainable. I would crash and would then have no energy to pick up where I left off. Typical ADHD stuff. I’m still in the creative field of design, but my approach is more methodical nowadays.

The call it ADHD, but in my case it’s closely related to the trauma and attachment stuff as well. There is a lot of information on the boards about the connection and Gabor Mate is the author, who writes about this. I did not have ADHD as a child, but I always had a drawing talent growing up, even as 2-3 years old, throughout my childhood and I was strongly encouraged then by teachers to then pursue art. So some of that imagination stuff comes with that. Good and bad.