Struggling with End of Relationship with FA | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

cate
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Posts: 39

Struggling with End of Relationship with FA Nov 3, 2017 22:57:08 GMT

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Post by cate on Nov 3, 2017 22:57:08 GMT

Hi All -

I am glad I found this forum. Just reading through the thread has given me some insights on my ex.

We recently broke up - I made the decision to walk away because the push-pull dynamic had intensified to the point where I could not handle it anymore. So I laid everything on the table for him and he came back with ‘I’m not prepared to give you more and we should take some time to pursue individual interests’. He insisted he didn’t want to go our separate ways because of time and emotions already invested but just to reduce the time we spent together so that it frees me up to find someone better.

I, of course, found this ridiculous and broke up. I’ve gone no contact since then.

He also threw in a re-writing of our history together basically saying I was like ‘more than a friend akin to family’ as opposed to his girlfriend even though that’s not what our relationship was. I logically know this is his withdrawal and distancing but it hurts.

I guess I'm struggling because I don’t want to think I spent 3 years with someone who was just ‘hanging out’. It kind of feels like I’m getting gaslighted in a way.

Did/Does anyone feel this way after breaking up with their FA?

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Struggling with End of Relationship with FA Nov 4, 2017 15:46:38 GMT

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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2017 15:46:38 GMT

Yes - it felt like being invalidated for me - which sounds similar to your experience. My six year relationship ended when I asked my increasingly distant boyfriend for more time together, more presence. He basically said he couldn't do more and it was up to me. That was that in one evening at the end of a holiday.

At the time it felt as though we had been living a farce - that this relationship that he'd said was the best he'd ever had, meant nothing to him. Of course in hindsight most of the da or fa actions following a breakup are put into place to avoid them having to feel anything. Good on you for going no contact - the other thing that happened to me is that the ex continually tried to draw me back in - but just enough to keep me accessible to him. After alot of pain, I can genuinely say I feel relieved to be out of it. Sorry you had to go there and hang on in - things to get better in the end. Making sense of these kind of relationships doesn't really work - it's crazy making. Do what's right for you and move on, give yourself time to grieve.

cate
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Posts: 39

Struggling with End of Relationship with FA Nov 4, 2017 17:55:31 GMT via mobile

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Post by cate on Nov 4, 2017 17:55:31 GMT

Thank you ocarina. It’s definitely crazy making. Based on these forums it seems like my ex will definitely reach out again. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I guess getting to the stage of not caring is when I know I’m over him.

I would like to be friends. He and I started that way and I do miss that aspect of it. But I don’t know how viable hat is.

Can you be friends with an avoidant ex?

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Struggling with End of Relationship with FA Nov 27, 2017 14:34:36 GMT

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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2017 14:34:36 GMT

I would have to say it is extremely difficult to be friends with an ex avoidant because truly that is not what we want. We want more than friendship with them. It's really hard to understand these type of individuals. I can't believe how easy it seems for them to want to call us "friends" yet have such strong feelings and spend so much time together. Also, when it ends it seems so easy for them to walk away. It's something I will never understand. We as "normal" loving people cannot sacrifice our happiness to keep these DA/FA's in our life. It will never change with these types, unfortunately.