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Post by tholemew on Aug 26, 2021 5:16:22 GMT
One thing I will never understand is how you can seemingly be totally in love one day and then have your heart ripped the next.
My DA ex girlfriend ended it with a text message.
No chance to say goodbye, no final hug, nothing, like we had never happened. It was as if a ghost had past through my life and then just disappeared.
I'm not bitter towards her, I am gutted though, but mostly I feel sorry for her as this has been and most likely will be the pattern of her life.
She is such a nice person otherwise (with all the usual DA traits). I really miss her.
Oh well, live, learn and move on.
Take care everyone, thanks for listening.
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anao
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Post by anao on Aug 26, 2021 8:40:23 GMT
Hi tholemew, I am so sorry you went through this. I know how you feel - this happened to me a month ago - my FA boyfriend broke up with me by text, saying he needed to focus on his new job and didn't have time for a relationship. 30 mins previously he had texted me a cute message using pet names, followed by the coldest breakup message like he was cancelling a Netflix subscription, not ending a 15 months relationship. 15 months of talking every day went to complete no contact - so yes, a ghost is a good description for him. I asked my psychologist how it was possible to go from loving to stone cold. She said avoidants shut down their feelings. The moment the relationship becomes 'real' and the honeymoon phase ends, they kind of 'swallow' their feelings and think they are not feeling anything any more. It sounds very strange, but this helped me process the change. Another thing that has helped me was to understand that breaking up through text is because they avoid being accountable for the pain they cause you. They can't sit with their own pain, so they can't hold yours in the moment. It's a very coward move, but again, it's on them and not on you. Please remember it's nothing you could have done differently. They are amazing people, but if they are unaware of their attachment issues, they can't be present in a relationship. What I've been trying to do was to also think about the not so good moments in the relationship - to kind of get a more balanced image. Yes, my ex was loving and amazing when we were together, but he would also be a complete workaholic and wouldn't make time for the relationship. He also tends to control everything in his life - to the point where he was trying to tell me how I should feel about things he did. This balanced view helped me put things into perspective a bit. I hope this helps. You will go through this, just allow yourself to go through the grieving period. |
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Post by tholemew on Aug 26, 2021 8:57:17 GMT
Thanks anao,
I did struggle for the first 4 or 5 weeks, but I've come to terms with it now.
And actually, it's been a blessing in disguise. I've learnt so much about attachment styles and in turn learnt a lot about myself.
I now know she can't help how she feels and reacts and neither can I.
I do still miss her badly, but I now know it would never work.
I hope your doing ok too.
Take care.
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 26, 2021 9:05:09 GMT
Yup. Classic traits of an avoidant. Now you're wiser. Don't ever date an avoidant that refuses to get help ever again.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 26, 2021 10:24:52 GMT
Hi tholemew , I am so sorry you went through this. I know how you feel - this happened to me a month ago - my FA boyfriend broke up with me by text, saying he needed to focus on his new job and didn't have time for a relationship. 30 mins previously he had texted me a cute message using pet names, followed by the coldest breakup message like he was cancelling a Netflix subscription, not ending a 15 months relationship. 15 months of talking every day went to complete no contact - so yes, a ghost is a good description for him. I asked my psychologist how it was possible to go from loving to stone cold. She said avoidants shut down their feelings. The moment the relationship becomes 'real' and the honeymoon phase ends, they kind of 'swallow' their feelings and think they are not feeling anything any more. It sounds very strange, but this helped me process the change. Another thing that has helped me was to understand that breaking up through text is because they avoid being accountable for the pain they cause you. They can't sit with their own pain, so they can't hold yours in the moment. It's a very coward move, but again, it's on them and not on you. Please remember it's nothing you could have done differently. They are amazing people, but if they are unaware of their attachment issues, they can't be present in a relationship. What I've been trying to do was to also think about the not so good moments in the relationship - to kind of get a more balanced image. Yes, my ex was loving and amazing when we were together, but he would also be a complete workaholic and wouldn't make time for the relationship. He also tends to control everything in his life - to the point where he was trying to tell me how I should feel about things he did. This balanced view helped me put things into perspective a bit. I hope this helps. You will go through this, just allow yourself to go through the grieving period. So…to perhaps humanize this a bit…my brother is an FA who leans avoidant and has in the past ghosted women. When we were children, our parents went through a bitter divorce and my brother felt very responsible to make our mom happy. In fact, she told him once that he had to be good to the women he dated which made him feel like he was responsible for their feelings. The reason he would ghost is that he did not want to see them upset, nor did he want to deal with any any questions. Unfortunately through his childhood wounding, my brother developed a perspective that he was responsible for his partner and would thus have to shut down his feelings and ghost in order to not feel enmeshed. |
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anao
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Post by anao on Aug 26, 2021 10:47:01 GMT
Thanks tnr9, you describe it way better than I do. |
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Post by midnight77 on Aug 26, 2021 15:09:49 GMT
As you all pointed out, I believe that these kinds of experiences are very useful opportunities for us to understand others but mostly to understand ourselves. One has to keep in mind that oftentimes their behavior is a result of suffering and trauma, which is not to justify them but to put things into perspective. They suffered and they self-sabotage, not allowing themselves an opportunity to love and be loved. They just cancel all their feelings because they don't know and do not want to deal with them! They seek things that require less involvement.
While being ghosted and rejected is terrible, I believe that being in the push-pull game with DAs or FAs is worse. At least once you cut the cords you are able to realise that even though they are beautiful, caring and kind people, their trauma acts on their behalf. And I feel sorry for them because at times they do not know they have attachment issues and they will experience the same pattern many times.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2021 18:01:41 GMT
As you all pointed out, I believe that these kinds of experiences are very useful opportunities for us to understand others but mostly to understand ourselves. One has to keep in mind that oftentimes their behavior is a result of suffering and trauma, which is not to justify them but to put things into perspective. They suffered and they self-sabotage, not allowing themselves an opportunity to love and be loved. They just cancel all their feelings because they don't know and do not want to deal with them! They seek things that require less involvement. While being ghosted and rejected is terrible, I believe that being in the push-pull game with DAs or FAs is worse. At least once you cut the cords you are able to realise that even though they are beautiful, caring and kind people, their trauma acts on their behalf. And I feel sorry for them because at times they do not know they have attachment issues and they will experience the same pattern many times. I appreciate this. |
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