Meeting the Family

That's a very good thought.  I think it will be *relatively short just based on how much we have to squeeze into this trip.  I will talk to him about that.

I think it's good if I tell him that I feel nervous and a little overwhelmed at the thought of all this, and that I might need some extra support or understanding. And then I need to make sure I express to him in an asking way If i start to feel that tension and shutting down inside of myself.  What I mean is I think I need to just be ready to ask for a hug or something.  Do the opposite of what I feel like doing.

He is a "high gear" person and I am a "low gear" person and I have a hard time keeping up sometimes, physically and energetically and emotional/nervous system wise.

Lets see if I can make sense.  What I feel stress about is that accumulated dread that I feel during sustained newness.  What I notice typically has happened in the past is like this:
1) I start to feel overwhelmed with sensory stuff and interpersonal expectations
2) I push this down and pull in just a bit to go into this place in my chest that's like another room.
3) I become an observer and don't want to interact
4) I notice that I don't feel any joy about what I should feel joy about and instead I feel a dull negativity
5) I notice that I feel no connection or affection, for my partner or anything else.  I have thoughts like "Nothing means anything."
6) I feel stress about this because it's confusing and I feel like a failure or something.  It's like an internal trap that sprung on me.
7) I become grumpy and not able to just be normal.  I become a struggling passenger and I just want to be alone to somehow recover. 

So.  I am aware of all that and have done a lot to soften the sensory stuff that contributes to the accumulating overwhelm when I have to travel or undertake something major and new.  I understand cognitively that "deactivation" as it's called is a temporary nervous system phenomenon and that it will pass.  In everyday life if it happens I have enough experience to ride it out and sometimes can actually "act as if" by drawing closer to him and it seems to reset me somehow, not instantly but quietly if I just maybe lay with him or talk to him or whatever.

I guess it's  just that this is a really important and exciting trip, he's so happy and has done so much to make this happen, I really appreciate it all and I know his heart is all in everything he's doing.  I am more timid about all things but grow deeply appreciative and happy once I can get my feet wet in it, feel it out.  I am actually worried that my challenges here will ruin this wonderful exciting trip. 

The last short trip we did, we planned and talked openly about how to support my difficulties with travel and overwhelm, and it went great.  So the dialog is open.  This is just a much bigger deal because of the importance and significance of meeting family and embarking on the boat chapter. 

Yep….I get it…I am high gear as well when I am with people…..because I am extroverted….my mom is low gear because she tends to be more introverted.  I used to take it very personal….but I have come to understand that she needs small amounts of time together followed by the opportunity to decompress in quiet.  It isn’t me that she has the issue with…it is fine if I am there reading my iPad or working on a puzzle…but the high gear extroversion she can only take in doses.  Did you ever determine your love languages?  My mom is acts of service…mine is physical touch….so her way of showing love is cooking a meal and mine is giving hugs.

Oh and with my children I am very affectionate, but i would say that overall my love language is acts of service and maybe touch, but I think of touch as in it doesn't come naturally me to be very touchy feely but I have found I readily make myself available to that with him and really need it. So less like a dog licking your hand and more like a cat coming and sitting on you, is my energy around touch. Does that count for a love language? Maybe I should read more about that.

I do know that I express my deep love by taking care of physical needs and trying to ease a burden, showing nurture through practical help. That might be because I have needed to feel useful in order to be lovable. But also because I am very in tune to others physical needs and want to support and really be a partner.

I will try this! Do you mean in preparation, or in response to stress when I get there?

Thank you for all this.  I wonder what kinds of questions should I ask.  I typically observe and I don't think I ask a lot of questions.  Writing a list would be a good idea. Can you suggest something?

I definitely think touch would help me. I would like him to hold my hand or put his hand on my leg.  

I think the tools I use are around communication.  Being aware of what I need and what's going on and expressing that and asking for help around it.  I believe that is more a sign of strength than weakness, these days although it does make me a little self conscious to feel needy, and to express what feels like neediness.

I had a talk with my boyfriend a short while ago. I told him I am thinking of the trip and I am very excited and thankful and looking forward to it, but that I am nervous. I feel confident that we can do well with the sensory stuff, but I feel nervous about meeting his family and I feel nervous about the boat, moving it and being on the water on a boat that is new to us.  Ive only been on boats with professionals, and dive masters and such.  So this feels more vulnerable in terms of elements and open water.  

I told him I am nervous and a little worried about ruining the trip by becoming overwhelmed and shut down, and I explained that this happens incrementally so I wonder if we both can be sensitive to that and take a moment to slow down, or reconnect, hug, etc , if either of us notice I'm uncomfortable. 

He is getting to know and understand what his girl needs and I appreciate that a lot, I have got to make sure that I understand what he needs for a trip too.  But since I have more struggle with the out there new adventures we are a little more focused on that.  I will ask him though to make sure I understand how I can make this good.  I'm sure he will say if I can just enjoy myself he will be happy.  

He said that we are going to make this a very "Introvert Friendly" experience and not to worry.

So it does help to talk about it in preparation.  This will be the second trip we have made with awareness to the challenges.  It's. step up in intensity but maybe we will be fine. Ish. 

Thank you for sharing your experience with this . We will have only a little time as we have to move on to the boat chores but that is a relief to me- dipping my toes in.
It helps that his adult son has visited us 3 times while in our city, so I've made a new connection with him and it is warm and friendly.  He automatically hugs me which feels great. He is close with his family back there so probably has given me a stamp of approval lol.  My boyfriend feels certain his family will like me, but as you know it's about the not feeling awkward and uncomfortable.  

That and it's just a LOT for this little trip.  But I'm getting pretty excited!