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Post by virusbkk on Aug 29, 2021 17:45:54 GMT
Hello Everyone,
New to this forum.
After a recent experience, I'm interested to better understand the female avoidant mind.
Here's a story for ya.
TL;DR - Had a seemingly intense 1.5 months relationship with female avoidant until she ended things.
Was she just not that into me / had an avoidant freakout or both?
To preface - this relationship ended over 4 months ago.
I've been in full NC since and all her contact info has been deleted.
As I have recently learned, I most likely fell into limerence with her.
I have been on dates / hooked up with other women since then and have mostly moved on,
although I do have brief periods when my brain is trying to figure out what happened with Miss Avoidant.
So, I (38M) had this 1.5 months flash-in-the-pan romance with a (35F) woman from OkC;
around 12 dates + a weekend getaway thrown in for good measure.
I felt an instant connection on the first date - she was chatty, quirky & engaging and we both had the same taste in movies, food, travel and even the same birthday.
The first three dates were in quick succession - inside of 2 weeks.
We became physically intimate [oral] by the third date - when I brought dinner to her place and stayed the night.
She was single for 15-16 months since the last breakup & was looking for a new relationship. We both agreed to give us a shot.
She opened up about her past – 5 previous relationships, the most recent one lasting approx 3 years - she ended it because the SO wasn’t interested in marriage.
From there on, we met 1-3 times/week - sleepovers at her place or dinner/movies out/walks in the park.
She suggested a couple’s trip and I agreed – dates were set for a 3D/2N weekend - approx weeks in advance.
All of our communication was via text - some banter, but not too much - we'd message each other 1-2 times/day.
She'd give updates about her work, send photos from time-to-time, but I would not call it intense texting.
I got the impression that she wasn't a texter and preferred face-to-face interaction.
Our in-person conversations flowed smoothly which revolved around common interests - movies, food and travel.
She didn't ask me much about myself, but opened up a lot about her life, family, friends, work and love.
She especially talked about her close female friend & her work (mostly male) colleagues.
At one point she asked me if I had ever loved anyone and than brought up one of her ex's -
the only one she had truly loved (as I learned later, this was probably "The One" phantom-ex)
On a related note, not once did we have a conversation about how we felt about each other.
I didn't initiate the conversation because of (see below)
In retrospect:
Red Flag #1 - The most recent ex came up in conversation every so often - his being "sensitive", the dynamic of their relationship and how/why they broke up
Red Flag #2 - She showed me photos of her and the ex together, that she kept on her phone. When I asked why she carried them around, for memories was her answer.
Red Flag #3 - I would initiate physical affection most of the time
In terms of physical intimacy, we had PIV sex for the first time on Date #5.
I suggested bareback - she had never tried so before, and agreed.
I was afflicted with performance anxiety on a few occasions, so I went down on her and made her climax, which she seemed to enjoy.
The weekend of the trip came around and we spent a total of 3 nights together.
As we didn't get a chance to have sex in the past couple weeks, we had sex 4 times the first night, and she seemed satisfied.
I believe we had good chemistry during the trip, despite the bad weather. Dinner & drinks including a day spent at the beach.
The only frustration she raised was that sex was unpredictable with me and something didn't feel right – and it would become an issue in the relationship, if not resolved.
Besides this, she seemed her usual, cheerful self & responsive to physical affection.
Pillow-talk consisted of common interests, life experiences, past relationships and love.
Here is impression I got about her - fiercely independent, childhood abandonment issues due to an absent father and wary of love.
Throughout our time together, I felt like there was an emotional wall between us.
I believe things started to go south on the last day of the trip – after lunch and a movie,
she seemed withdrawn and mentioned that a trip was a good indicator of how a relationship would develop.
I agreed and said I had a good time with her.
The journey back home was mostly quiet - we said our goodbyes and parted ways.
I texted her some days later to ask if she wanted to meet, but she replied that she was busy.
Sensing something was amiss, I texted her again after some days that if she needed time to figure or work things out, I was cool with that.
She replied immediately by saying the reason she had not reached out is because she didn’t feel good about us after the trip and wanted to meet in person to talk things over.
We met for dinner some days later, and she seemed her usual cheery self.
After some small-talk she said that she that things didn’t feel right for her, specifically she didn’t feel as passionate as she should.
Although she liked me, and she should care, but in reality, she didn't care about me.
And she wanted to end things, before we got any deeper.
I agreed to end it, and said my only regret was the trip itself might have been the relationship killer, as it was probably too soon.
Finally, we discussed if we should stay friends. I said we could reach out, once we were ready.
What do you make of it?
Was this an avoidant freakout or she just wasn't that into me?
Cheers.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 29, 2021 19:35:16 GMT
It was probably both. You went at lightning fast speed, and if she's avoidant (which sounds very plausible), they need to go slower than others to build trust. But you don't sound very compatible either, which is perfectly fine and normal since you really don't know each other at all after only 6 weeks. And the point of starting to date someone is to have time to get to know each other and assess if you're compatible before further commitment.
I'm secure and I felt overwhelmed reading your description of how fast intimacy milestones were going (deep past relationship talk, physical without protection, taking a trip together though I guess that was her rushed idea). But since I can protect my own boundaries, I'd have just not let things go at a speed if I wasn't comfortable. But someone with insecure attachment is less likely to be comfortable speaking up about needs and may instead appear to flip when the issue was actually present all along.
Are you looking for a serious relationship at this point in your life? Because you may need to slow your roll somewhat if you are and if you are hoping to attract and pair off with someone emotionally stable and mature and ready for a relationship. There are going to be more people with insecure attachment styles on online dating at this age too, and maintaining a consistent speed and not rushing through the first couple months of getting to know each other is a great way to figure out more about the person you're trying to date. AP and sometimes FA (and sometimes personality disordered people) will be all for rushing and may be put off by perceived rejection if they feel things are going slowly. DA and secure will probably be put off by rushing, but DA will just deactivate and secure (assuming you've been on a few dates already) will tell you first if the speed bothers them before calling it off if talking about didn't change anything.
Do you know what your attachment style is?
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 29, 2021 20:35:26 GMT
I was going to add…it is very easy to think another person is a great match when so little is actually known about how well (outside of shared interests and sex) the 2 of you would get along. That leaves a lot to the imagination to fill in….and it is probably why you still think about her even though it was such a short relationship. I have read that it takes a year to really get to know someone because the first few months tend to be when both people are putting out front their best selves. I agree with Alexandra about how quickly things moved in only 6 weeks…that is fine for a short term fling or friends with benefits…but if the goal is to find a forever partner…the pace really needs to slow down.
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Post by virusbkk on Aug 30, 2021 3:13:32 GMT
It was probably both. You went at lightning fast speed, and if she's avoidant (which sounds very plausible), they need to go slower than others to build trust. But you don't sound very compatible either, which is perfectly fine and normal since you really don't know each other at all after only 6 weeks. And the point of starting to date someone is to have time to get to know each other and assess if you're compatible before further commitment. I'm secure and I felt overwhelmed reading your description of how fast intimacy milestones were going (deep past relationship talk, physical without protection, taking a trip together though I guess that was her rushed idea). But since I can protect my own boundaries, I'd have just not let things go at a speed if I wasn't comfortable. But someone with insecure attachment is less likely to be comfortable speaking up about needs and may instead appear to flip when the issue was actually present all along. Are you looking for a serious relationship at this point in your life? Because you may need to slow your roll somewhat if you are and if you are hoping to attract and pair off with someone emotionally stable and mature and ready for a relationship. There are going to be more people with insecure attachment styles on online dating at this age too, and maintaining a consistent speed and not rushing through the first couple months of getting to know each other is a great way to figure out more about the person you're trying to date. AP and sometimes FA (and sometimes personality disordered people) will be all for rushing and may be put off by perceived rejection if they feel things are going slowly. DA and secure will probably be put off by rushing, but DA will just deactivate and secure (assuming you've been on a few dates already) will tell you first if the speed bothers them before calling it off if talking about didn't change anything. Do you know what your attachment style is? Thanks for your insight. I agree that things probably went all too fast, but I was self-aware of the pace the entire time. Also, is that necessarily a bad thing when you're in your mid/late 30's ? You don't want to play games and if you feel the spark/chemistry you just go for it - or am I missing something? Whenever I've started dating somebody new, I try to match up with their energy/pace and let things develop organically until an equilibrium is reached. This has worked for me in the past & don't think I went about things any differently this time. Regarding boundaries: - When I suggested we meet for dinner on Date 1, she flat out rejected and said she was more comfortable meeting for lunch. - Date 2 was when we met for dinner the first time, and I dropped her back home in a taxi since we were in the same direction - sharing a ride was her idea. I didn't escalate too much on purpose - just gave her a hug & peck on the cheek. - I floated the idea of a dinner/movie at either of our homes for Date 3, so we could talk in a more intimate setting. She jokingly asked if we were moving too fast, and I responded that we could maintain whatever pace was comfortable for her. If she wanted to slow down, we could slow down. Regardless, she agreed to a date at home. This is all to say that there were initial checkpoints regarding boundaries that were crossed, only after a green light was apparent. My attachment style is Secure with shades of DA based on numerous quizzes that I did - with my ex I was leaning DA, because she was very AP (clingy, always wanting to hold hands (even while sleeping), frequently lamenting that we were not spending enough time together etc.) With her, I'm guessing I was Secure leaning a little AP [probably due to the limerence and she being avoidant] I agree with the overall assessment that something made her deactivate and bail. My guess is is that she became overwhelmed after the trip when she realised that things might be getting serious? Fear of engulfment maybe? Although I think she was setting things up to pull the ripcord way before that. The whole phantom-ex / ex discussion were strategies to lower my value, and create emotional distance between us - if my understanding is correct. Finally, I couldn't agree with you more that we were just not compatible. This will be the last time I date another DA if I can help it, now that I am armed with the awareness of how they roll. It is easier for me to get along with AP types, since most of my ex's were AP. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 30, 2021 3:31:58 GMT
It was probably both. You went at lightning fast speed, and if she's avoidant (which sounds very plausible), they need to go slower than others to build trust. But you don't sound very compatible either, which is perfectly fine and normal since you really don't know each other at all after only 6 weeks. And the point of starting to date someone is to have time to get to know each other and assess if you're compatible before further commitment. I'm secure and I felt overwhelmed reading your description of how fast intimacy milestones were going (deep past relationship talk, physical without protection, taking a trip together though I guess that was her rushed idea). But since I can protect my own boundaries, I'd have just not let things go at a speed if I wasn't comfortable. But someone with insecure attachment is less likely to be comfortable speaking up about needs and may instead appear to flip when the issue was actually present all along. Are you looking for a serious relationship at this point in your life? Because you may need to slow your roll somewhat if you are and if you are hoping to attract and pair off with someone emotionally stable and mature and ready for a relationship. There are going to be more people with insecure attachment styles on online dating at this age too, and maintaining a consistent speed and not rushing through the first couple months of getting to know each other is a great way to figure out more about the person you're trying to date. AP and sometimes FA (and sometimes personality disordered people) will be all for rushing and may be put off by perceived rejection if they feel things are going slowly. DA and secure will probably be put off by rushing, but DA will just deactivate and secure (assuming you've been on a few dates already) will tell you first if the speed bothers them before calling it off if talking about didn't change anything. Do you know what your attachment style is? Thanks for your insight. I agree that things probably went all too fast, but I was self-aware of the pace the entire time. Also, is that necessarily a bad thing when you're in your mid/late 30's ? You don't want to play games and if you feel the spark/chemistry you just go for it - or am I missing something? Regarding boundaries: - When I suggested we meet for dinner on Date 1, she flat out rejected and said she was more comfortable meeting for lunch. - Date 2 was when we met for dinner the first time, and I dropped her back home in a taxi since we were in the same direction - sharing a ride was her idea. I didn't escalate too much on purpose - just gave her a hug & peck on the cheek. - I floated the idea of a dinner/movie at either of our homes for Date 3, so we could talk in a more intimate setting. She jokingly asked if we were moving too fast, and I responded that we could maintain whatever pace was comfortable for her. If she wanted to slow down, we could slow down. Regardless, she agreed to a date at home. This is all to say that there were initial checkpoints regarding boundaries that were crossed, only after a green light was apparent. My attachment style is Secure with shades of DA based on numerous quizzes that I did - with my ex I was leaning more DA, because she was very AP (clingy, always wanting to hold hands (even while sleeping), frequently lamenting that we were not spending enough time together etc.) With her, I'm guessing I was Secure leaning a little AP [probably due to the limerence and she being avoidant] I agree with the overall assessment that something made her deactivate and bail. My guess is is that she became overwhelmed after the trip when she realised that things might be getting serious? Fear of engulfment maybe? Although I think she was setting things up to pull the ripcord way before that. The whole phantom-ex / ex discussion were strategies to lower my value, and create emotional distance between us - if my understanding is correct. Finally, I couldn't agree with you more that we were just not compatible. This will be the last time I date another DA if I can help it, now that I am armed with the awareness of how they roll. I feel like you may be over analyzing things….6 weeks is a perfectly acceptable time for someone to determine that it isn’t a good fit…it doesn’t requires a phantom ex or even a fear that things are getting too real. I think it is fine if you have a go for it attitude…just be aware that moving fast when you are in the early stages of getting to know someone can mean that you blast through signs of incompatibility. I say that because I rushed things with my last FA boyfriend…and although we dated 10.5 months…when it got down to compatibility….we really were on different paths…even though we shared faith, music and hobbies. The biggest issue between B and I (and I think this is true with insecurely attached individuals in general)…is that he wasn’t very upfront about the concerns that he had in the relationship. It was like he was expressing he was having fun but would slip in the occasional “you are three steps ahead of me” but we never got around to really talking that through. it is also important to recognize that her avoidant behaviors are not about you…they are about her past wounds from her childhood….so although I can appreciate that you do not want to date another person who is avoidant….the best way to do that is to slow down the pace and look for insecure behaviors such as poor communication, conflict avoidance, needing too much time away or too much time together. I would also suggest reading through all three forums…DA, FA and AP…because it will help you to see patterns in each. |
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Post by virusbkk on Aug 30, 2021 3:45:36 GMT
Thanks for your insight. I agree that things probably went all too fast, but I was self-aware of the pace the entire time. Also, is that necessarily a bad thing when you're in your mid/late 30's ? You don't want to play games and if you feel the spark/chemistry you just go for it - or am I missing something? Regarding boundaries: - When I suggested we meet for dinner on Date 1, she flat out rejected and said she was more comfortable meeting for lunch. - Date 2 was when we met for dinner the first time, and I dropped her back home in a taxi since we were in the same direction - sharing a ride was her idea. I didn't escalate too much on purpose - just gave her a hug & peck on the cheek. - I floated the idea of a dinner/movie at either of our homes for Date 3, so we could talk in a more intimate setting. She jokingly asked if we were moving too fast, and I responded that we could maintain whatever pace was comfortable for her. If she wanted to slow down, we could slow down. Regardless, she agreed to a date at home. This is all to say that there were initial checkpoints regarding boundaries that were crossed, only after a green light was apparent. My attachment style is Secure with shades of DA based on numerous quizzes that I did - with my ex I was leaning more DA, because she was very AP (clingy, always wanting to hold hands (even while sleeping), frequently lamenting that we were not spending enough time together etc.) With her, I'm guessing I was Secure leaning a little AP [probably due to the limerence and she being avoidant] I agree with the overall assessment that something made her deactivate and bail. My guess is is that she became overwhelmed after the trip when she realised that things might be getting serious? Fear of engulfment maybe? Although I think she was setting things up to pull the ripcord way before that. The whole phantom-ex / ex discussion were strategies to lower my value, and create emotional distance between us - if my understanding is correct. Finally, I couldn't agree with you more that we were just not compatible. This will be the last time I date another DA if I can help it, now that I am armed with the awareness of how they roll. I don’t put a ton of stock into the self assessment tests. I would suggest looking back over your entire dating life to see if you have a pattern of dating insecurely attached individuals. Also….I feel like you may be over analyzing things….6 weeks is a perfectly acceptable time for someone to determine that it isn’t a good fit…it doesn’t requires a phantom ex or even anything regarding her attachment style. I think it is fine if you have a go for it attitude…just be aware that moving fast when you are in the early stages of getting to know someone can mean that you blast through signs of incompatibility. I say that because I rushed things with my last FA boyfriend…and although we dated 10.5 months…when it got down to compatibility….we really were on different paths…even though we shared faith, music and hobbies in common. I dated mostly AP and a few secures. This gal was the first DA/FA I ever came across. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 30, 2021 3:56:26 GMT
I don’t put a ton of stock into the self assessment tests. I would suggest looking back over your entire dating life to see if you have a pattern of dating insecurely attached individuals. Also….I feel like you may be over analyzing things….6 weeks is a perfectly acceptable time for someone to determine that it isn’t a good fit…it doesn’t requires a phantom ex or even anything regarding her attachment style. I think it is fine if you have a go for it attitude…just be aware that moving fast when you are in the early stages of getting to know someone can mean that you blast through signs of incompatibility. I say that because I rushed things with my last FA boyfriend…and although we dated 10.5 months…when it got down to compatibility….we really were on different paths…even though we shared faith, music and hobbies in common. I dated mostly AP and a few secures. This gal was the first DA/FA I ever came across. Ok…so what is important to understand about avoidant attachment (because I am FA) is that is truly isn’t about you…it is wounding from childhood that hasn’t been resolved…so what happens is a person will put up walls or ghost or go away for a period of time in order to regulate an internal system that is prone to shutting down and needing space. These are coping behaviors learned at a very young age. It takes a great deal of awareness and working through old wounds for that to change. BTW….APs are also insecure attached individuals….what draws you to date them? |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 30, 2021 4:16:16 GMT
I agree that things probably went all too fast, but I was self-aware of the pace the entire time. Also, is that necessarily a bad thing when you're in your mid/late 30's ? You don't want to play games and if you feel the spark/chemistry you just go for it - or am I missing something? My guess is is that she became overwhelmed after the trip when she realised that things might be getting serious? This "is it a bad thing" depends. You still didn't post answering what you're looking for. Serious relationship leading to marriage, just dating one person but not necessarily looking to get serious, dating casually, dating casually unless you're wowed and then you're open to more, something else? You definitely don't want to play games, but at the same time an instant spark isn't necessarily indicative of serious relationship material. It can also be two people activating each other's attachment wounds and familiarity in that way which feels like attraction at first, then eventually leads to someone chasing harder than the other and power struggles. 6 weeks isn't enough time for things to get serious, because you just started dating and still hardly knew each other. But if you were approaching it that way and she wasn't in the same mindset, that after 6 weeks things can be called "getting serious", then she probably felt things were off and it would be better to end it if she didn't otherwise know how to slow it down or honestly communicate. |
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Post by virusbkk on Aug 30, 2021 6:29:15 GMT
I dated mostly AP and a few secures. This gal was the first DA/FA I ever came across. BTW….APs are also insecure attached individuals….what draws you to date them? I think that is because I find AP's to be hyper-communicative. They're like open hearts and you always know what's going on in their mind. In general, I am mostly non-reactive and fairly resilient in romantic relationships, so I have learned to manage an AP's need for constant validation. It was uncharted territory with this DA gal and as I have learned, DA's don't communicate their needs well at all. What threw me in a loop was that nothing seemed majorly off at the time, during our prior dates. In fact, things seemed stable up until the last day of the trip. Since no specific needs or concerns were explicitly communicated, I presumed things were fine and then boom - flip switched overnight. I agree that things probably went all too fast, but I was self-aware of the pace the entire time. Also, is that necessarily a bad thing when you're in your mid/late 30's ? You don't want to play games and if you feel the spark/chemistry you just go for it - or am I missing something? My guess is is that she became overwhelmed after the trip when she realised that things might be getting serious? This "is it a bad thing" depends. You still didn't post answering what you're looking for. Serious relationship leading to marriage, just dating one person but not necessarily looking to get serious, dating casually, dating casually unless you're wowed and then you're open to more, something else? You definitely don't want to play games, but at the same time an instant spark isn't necessarily indicative of serious relationship material. It can also be two people activating each other's attachment wounds and familiarity in that way which feels like attraction at first, then eventually leads to someone chasing harder than the other and power struggles. 6 weeks isn't enough time for things to get serious, because you just started dating and still hardly knew each other. But if you were approaching it that way and she wasn't in the same mindset, that after 6 weeks things can be called "getting serious", then she probably felt things were off and it would be better to end it if she didn't otherwise know how to slow it down or honestly communicate. To be honest, in all my previous relationships (including the long-term ones) not once was there a granular discussion about the "type" of relationship - short-term/long-term/casual. There were no DTR talks either. Later into some relationships (6-7 months in) there were declarations of love, and that's about it. The long-term breakups were all mutual. I broke things off two times [both were less than 6 months] This time was no different. We both said that we wanted a relationship at the outset and agreed to give us a shot. I was looking for a relationship with the expectation that it could evolve into something serious down the line. I believe she was looking for the same. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 30, 2021 7:26:45 GMT
I'm not asking about defining the relationship or how it's gone in the past. I'm asking what you want with someone now, in regards to your question about speed in your late 30s. So, you've now said you are looking for a relationship with someone with the expectation that it could evolve into something serious down the line. Thanks for answering.
Interestingly, APs seem forthcoming, as they want to constantly communicate, but they're actually not. All insecure types suffer in communicating their needs honestly, even if it looks different (AP will try to talk about things yet never seem to be able to fully say what they mean and keep trying to find different ways, avoidants may not communicate at all). APs do this because they are disconnected from themselves and their needs, feel ashamed of having and sharing needs, or do know their needs but are afraid if they share them it will turn off their partner so fear of abandonment suppresses their honest communication. They will be too afraid to be truly vulnerable, but happy enough to want to keep the peace as long as they get validation that keeps the fear of abandonment at bay.
I know this because I used to be very textbook AP. And I thought I was emotionally available and always wanted to be in a relationship, but could never make it last. Rushing ahead in intimacy was validation, but it wasn't building any sort of solid foundation for a real and serious relationship over time.
Your experience with this avoidant woman sounds pretty typical and standard for something with a person with an avoidant style that didn't get past a few weeks. AP and DA generally have terrible boundaries and present two different types of extremes (being ruled by either a fear of abandonment or a fear of engulfment and not able to be truly vulnerable or trusting in a relationship; FA mix both fears and react accordingly). If someone blindsides you, they generally didn't communicate directly or honestly. This happened to me over and over when I dated avoidants (usually more often with FAs, as DAs would be honest if I directly asked a question and they actually answered it instead of freezing or choosing a flight response, FAs can demure and have a fawning response to stress and tell you what you want to hear to avoid conflict).
Again, the speed becomes important if you are looking for a lasting, serious relationship. That's why I was asking that. It's far less important if you're not looking for that. Yes, different speeds can work for different people so I'm not saying anything as a blanket rule, but I learned a lot through rushing to try to connect and not "lose" the person or their interest versus taking time to know them and not projecting idealization onto the gaps in my knowledge about them. Taking a bit of time to gauge if the other person stays consistent and reliable over a period of time (and doesn't play games!) is extremely important. You found with this woman that in only 6 weeks, she was inconsistent, words and actions didn't match up, communication was poor, and it generally wasn't a good match. But you got hurt because you rushed in and got emotionally invested in a fantasy version very quickly.
In your 30s, hopefully you know what you want and how to recognize it, so things don't need to move at a glacial pace. And sure, limerence is fun while it lasts, though it's not a predictor for a relationship working. But there's still a balance if you really are trying to build trust, and you need time to observe too if your potential partner doesn't fully trust. APs don't trust themselves, and trust others more. DAs don't trust others and fall back on themselves. And FAs don't trust anyone, not others, not themselves, which is why their behavior looks so disorganized. It's all fear-based. But all this fear and distrust among all 3 insecure attachment styles translates into a lack of full emotional availability.
How have you felt dating other secures?
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Post by virusbkk on Aug 30, 2021 8:06:38 GMT
In your 30s, hopefully you know what you want and how to recognize it, so things don't need to move at a glacial pace. And sure, limerence is fun while it lasts, though it's not a predictor for a relationship working. But there's still a balance if you really are trying to build trust, and you need time to observe too if your potential partner doesn't fully trust. APs don't trust themselves, and trust others more. DAs don't trust others and fall back on themselves. And FAs don't trust anyone, not others, not themselves, which is why their behavior looks so disorganized. It's all fear-based. But all this fear and distrust among all 3 insecure attachment styles translates into a lack of full emotional availability. How have you felt dating other secures? I think you misunderstood my point about limerence. It was not meant as a positive connotation - far from it! It blinded me from the fact that this woman and I were not compatible from the outset. I was so invested in getting emotional reciprocation from her that I happily ignored all the red flags, and was focused purely on the 'chemistry', the 'common interests' and the 'connection' - dopamine high. As you have very accurately stated, I basically got sucked in by a fantasy/idolised version of her. I consider this a valuable lesson and sorry to say this, but I will give DA's a very wide berth from now on. My experience with secures have been fulfilling and pleasant - clear lines of communication, minimal drama and most importantly, the relationships have felt effortless. Although, I have had only one long-term relationship with a secure. The rest of my long-term relationships have all been with AP women, that has (for better or worse) made me accustomed to the push-pull dynamic. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 30, 2021 10:55:16 GMT
I think you misunderstood my point about limerence. It was not meant as a positive connotation - far from it! It blinded me from the fact that this woman and I were not compatible from the outset. Some people like and desire the limerence and "sparks." I've never had anything like that work out, and at this point in my life have noticed it usually indicates attachment-related anxiety for me, but I didn't want to assume or impose my opinion since you weren't asking about that  I think you're doing good introspection about why this wasn't a good situation for you. If you find yourself attracted to APs repeatedly and it's not working out for you either, though, there are probably more questions to ask yourself about it. One of the biggest parts of whether or not a relationship works is in choice of partner. When I was AP, I was only attracted to avoidants, which is typical in how insecure attachment works. Once aware, I know that particular dynamic doesn't work for me either, and I finally stopped choosing avoidants. Maybe an aware AP works for you, but getting used to a dynamic with an unaware AP that gets you stuck in circles that all end the same way is unlikely to yield the result you're looking for any more than trying things out with an unaware avoidant did. |
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Post by virusbkk on Aug 31, 2021 2:07:43 GMT
I think you misunderstood my point about limerence. It was not meant as a positive connotation - far from it! It blinded me from the fact that this woman and I were not compatible from the outset. I think you're doing good introspection about why this wasn't a good situation for you. If you find yourself attracted to APs repeatedly and it's not working out for you either, though, there are probably more questions to ask yourself about it. One of the biggest parts of whether or not a relationship works is in choice of partner. When I was AP, I was only attracted to avoidants, which is typical in how insecure attachment works. Once aware, I know that particular dynamic doesn't work for me either, and I finally stopped choosing avoidants. Maybe an aware AP works for you, but getting used to a dynamic with an unaware AP that gets you stuck in circles that all end the same way is unlikely to yield the result you're looking for any more than trying things out with an unaware avoidant did. Well, most relationships eventually don't work out and have to end at some point right? The journey is more important than the outcome itself. If the relationship was mostly effortless (especially in the initial stages), had it's usual ups and downs, but most importantly, both partners were more or less equally invested & willing to work through the ups and downs - I'd call it a pretty successful journey! All of my relationships with AP partners were fulfilling,but they were self-aware (not about attachment theory per se, but their behavior patterns and were able to keep them in check) Now that I'm aware of attachment theory, I know that DA partners are a no-no for me. |
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