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Post by alexandra on Aug 30, 2021 20:13:13 GMT
Well said. But then the ever enigmatic rabbit hole of a question "How does one adress and heal this past trauma?" emerges. That's what trying out therapy is for  (This definitely all gets addressed in the Neil Strauss book The Truth.) |
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Post by midnight77 on Aug 30, 2021 20:40:15 GMT
Thank you, everybody.
To summarize, I can see that perhaps a starting point is healing the inner child, as I have already begun to do. By healing the inner child you heal abandonment wounds, which consequently allow you to attach more securely... Is it correct? And of course learning about attachment issues and being able to identify them in oneself and others.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 30, 2021 20:48:20 GMT
Thank you, everybody. To summarize, I can see that perhaps a starting point is healing the inner child, as I have already begun to do. By healing the inner child you heal abandonment wounds, which consequently allow you to attach more securely... Is it correct? And of course learning about attachment issues and being able to identify them in oneself and others. I agree with this. My attraction to avoidants really didn't stop completely until I had earned secure. But as I was doing the inner work and getting more secure, even though I was still AP but at least aware and starting to move the needle, I was naturally less attracted to the more extreme / textbook avoidant behavior side of the insecure spectrum. And I think this is in part because with like attracts like, you are attracted to people on your "level," so if you are getting more secure the people you're attracted to and are attracting will get more secure as well. I ended up with someone who earned secure from DA a few years before meeting me, and I don't think it's a complete coincidence that we were attracted to each other!! We have talked about how if we met years earlier we'd have never gotten along and it would have probably been a disaster, ha ha. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 30, 2021 20:53:23 GMT
midnight77 BTW, that was another example of why it can be good to give benefit of the doubt for possible (as opposed to flashing and waving) red flags and collect more information first. Since my boyfriend was once avoidant, his dating history sounded like a disaster (but so does mine). So I was like this is very confusing because this is ordinarily a red flag but.... he acts totally consistent, mature, secure, good communicator.... it made so much sense a month later when we talked about attachment theory (he'd never heard of it) and he figured out he's earned secure. He was like wow, this explains all my past relationships too, this is amazing! Lol.
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Post by midnight77 on Aug 30, 2021 20:54:24 GMT
Thank you, everybody. To summarize, I can see that perhaps a starting point is healing the inner child, as I have already begun to do. By healing the inner child you heal abandonment wounds, which consequently allow you to attach more securely... Is it correct? And of course learning about attachment issues and being able to identify them in oneself and others. I agree with this. My attraction to avoidants really didn't stop completely until I had earned secure. But as I was doing the inner work and getting more secure, even though I was still AP but at least aware and starting to move the needle, I was naturally less attracted to the more extreme / textbook avoidant behavior side of the insecure spectrum. And I think this is in part because with like attracts like, you are attracted to people on your "level," so if you are getting more secure the people you're attracted to and are attracting will get more secure as well. I ended up with someone who earned secure from DA a few years before meeting me, and I don't think it's a complete coincidence that we were attracted to each other!! We have talked about how if we met years earlier we'd have never gotten along and it would have probably been a disaster, ha ha. This gives me a lot of hope! Can I ask you what was the most significant and impactful part of your path towards secure attachment style? |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 30, 2021 21:03:56 GMT
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Post by annieb on Aug 30, 2021 21:07:49 GMT
I'd say this is a good summary, but the one big component missing is it all comes out of trauma and the trauma itself needs to be addressed and healed. That's ultimately what all this is about, and the healing is what rewires the nervous system. All the dysfunction are maladaptive coping mechanisms that actually DO help in response to if you're physically trapped in only dealing with dysfunctional people and situations (ie a small child), there was a purpose when it evolved. Well said. But then the ever enigmatic rabbit hole of a question "How does one adress and heal this past trauma?" emerges. I must say that any meaningful and accelerated progress I made in trauma healing was through trained therapists. I had done lots and lots of reading on my own, and while it gave some awareness it really didn't address my core wounds. The healing paths I took on my own were a lot more roundabout and sometimes I was stuck without any progress. Although these paths were not any less important. They were just as important, but they took years vs weeks/months. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 30, 2021 21:12:05 GMT
Same experience as annieb. I didn't end up using therapy and managed to get to the other side, but I still advocate for it because I'm sure that starting from scratch completely on my own extended my stumbling around and personal pain by years. There's trial and error in which therapist and type of therapy style will work for you, but having an experienced and professional guide is going to really help. I only made things harder for myself by not going that route. |
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Post by midnight77 on Aug 30, 2021 21:12:35 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Aug 31, 2021 0:55:19 GMT
....In contrast, when I engaged with secure/anxious partners their attachment style kind of clashed with what I was used to deal with as a child. Therefore I shut down and pushed them off.....
Have you ever tried working with an attatchment therapist who is also a somatic experience practisioner ?
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 31, 2021 1:14:19 GMT
Just read a quote on Instagram - "At this age, being emotionally unavailable isn't cute. Get a therapist.".
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Post by iz42 on Aug 31, 2021 1:50:54 GMT
midnight77 BTW, that was another example of why it can be good to give benefit of the doubt for possible (as opposed to flashing and waving) red flags and collect more information first. Since my boyfriend was once avoidant, his dating history sounded like a disaster (but so does mine). So I was like this is very confusing because this is ordinarily a red flag but.... he acts totally consistent, mature, secure, good communicator.... it made so much sense a month later when we talked about attachment theory (he'd never heard of it) and he figured out he's earned secure. He was like wow, this explains all my past relationships too, this is amazing! Lol. I find this really interesting. Was he in therapy? Just curious how he managed to earn secure from DA without knowing about attachment theory. I asked my boyfriend about it recently too - he hadn’t heard of it either. But from what I can tell, he really does seem secure, so all of the issues I described were foreign to him. At times I wonder if he has AP tendencies, but he’s not creating a fantasy around our connection or rushing things along. His steadiness and reliability is quite novel to me. |
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 31, 2021 2:11:28 GMT
midnight77 BTW, that was another example of why it can be good to give benefit of the doubt for possible (as opposed to flashing and waving) red flags and collect more information first. Since my boyfriend was once avoidant, his dating history sounded like a disaster (but so does mine). So I was like this is very confusing because this is ordinarily a red flag but.... he acts totally consistent, mature, secure, good communicator.... it made so much sense a month later when we talked about attachment theory (he'd never heard of it) and he figured out he's earned secure. He was like wow, this explains all my past relationships too, this is amazing! Lol. I find this really interesting. Was he in therapy? Just curious how he managed to earn secure from DA without knowing about attachment theory. I asked my boyfriend about it recently too - he hadn’t heard of it either. But from what I can tell, he really does seem secure, so all of the issues I described were foreign to him. At times I wonder if he has AP tendencies, but he’s not creating a fantasy around our connection or rushing things along. His steadiness and reliability is quite novel to me. iz42, here is a good list that I found that describes avoidants very well. My ex ticks 15 out of 16. Avoidance personality is a spectrum and of course, everyone's life experience is different. I guess the list is also a gauge.....like my ex, she ticked 15 out of 16 so yes, she is fking avoidant. If a partner only ticks 2 or 3, then perhaps that relationship is workable. psychcentral.com/blog/love-matters/2018/07/16-signs-of-an-avoidant-or-unavailable-partner#1 |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 31, 2021 4:00:29 GMT
I find this really interesting. Was he in therapy? Just curious how he managed to earn secure from DA without knowing about attachment theory. I asked my boyfriend about it recently too - he hadn’t heard of it either. But from what I can tell, he really does seem secure, so all of the issues I described were foreign to him. At times I wonder if he has AP tendencies, but he’s not creating a fantasy around our connection or rushing things along. His steadiness and reliability is quite novel to me. He was not. He had a devastating breakup of a long and insecurely attached relationship (much like us all lol) that left him taking very honest stock of his life, what he was unhappy with, and what his priorities truly were (stop sweating the small stuff). And he committed himself to taking complete responsibility for whatever he was unhappy with and changing it, even though it was very difficult and involved some full on lifestyle changes that were baby step adjustments at a time. So, it sounds like he was just really hurt and not happy with where he was in life so ended up ready and driven to overcome the pain and do something different. And he'd definitely chosen the wrong partner and recognized that (even though to his credit, he doesn't speak ill of her) and was determined as well to fix what I'll call his picker. I feel like the DAs I've known who have been able to deeply change after a horrendous breakup are the ones who don't sink further into distrust of all others and instead really challenge themselves with, big picture why and how did this happen, and what was my role? Approaching it with curiosity rather than deflection. A growth mindset, I guess. |
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