When emotionally unavailable becomes sexy

You are not Listening to your intuition or are you just ignoring your intuition ?

Your bodily intuition:
(can be difficult to trust if you have got some desorganised / fa attatchment style (and maybe also if you got some ap) because your body can cheat on you)
Your bodily intuition is the part that we call our belly sensation/the gut. But the body has no language. Our body senses. We read other people and the outside world with our body. We enter a meeting room and sense a mood. We listen to others and sense if they do not speak the true.
The most basic tool is to know your "yes" and your "no" in the body. The first is your truth signal, your "yes". It is your body that tells you that this is the right choice. When the body says "yes" you will typically experience it as a sense of expansion in the body. Your chest opens up. You straighten your body. You can experience chills in different places on the body. Your body feels lighter and full of energy. When you notice your body's "yes" reactions, you will begin to feel feelings, such as joy, curiosity, security, calmness and serenity. You can feel something is the right decision because it feels good, calm and safe.
The second signal is your warning signal. It's your body that says "no". You can feel that your system is contracting. Your body collapses a little. The stomach contracts. Often, a no feeling is empty. Your bodily intuition tells you that this is not the right solution.

The more you notice your body's signals, the easier it will be for you to make the right decisions. Many of us have been accustomed to ignoring our body signals. We have learned to base important decisions solely on logic. In fact, listening to what the body tells you is far more sustainable and strategically wise.

Your cognitive intuition
Our brains have two sides, the left and the right half. In our society, we have been brought up to primarily use our left brain. It is the part of the brain that thinks logically and rationally. It is really good at solving problems. To weigh for and against. To think things through an extra time. You use your left brain when you solve problems, write to-do lists or research on the Internet. For most of us there is a non-stop inner dialogue from we wake up until we fall asleep at night. It is the left hemisphere that is active.
Our cognitive intuition is primarily located in the right hemisphere. Our right brain half perceives and processes emotions, sensations, music and art. Right brain half thinks holistically and creatively, but it is without language. Right brain half communicates in pictures, in visions and music. The right hemisphere typically presents us with a solid solution.
If you want a greater access to your overall potential, then you must consciously learn to draw on both the right and left brain. A simple exercise is to take a piece of paper and write down a problem that you would like a solution to. Your left hemisphere job is to take notes that come from your right hemisphere. The most important thing is that, without judging, you write down everything that comes to you. Try it and you'll be surprised at what answers you get.

Your emotional intuition
Our heart is an important tool for strengthening our intuition. At the HeartMath Institute, scientists have found a concept that they call heart coherence - which means "to be logical, coherent, consistent and understandable". When there are similarities between our three intuitive systems: body, brain and heart, we experience heart coherence.
Heart coherence activates feelings of calm, coherence, attachment to others and security. You can train your ability to experience heart coherence.
The reason you need to train your ability to experience heart coherence is that you can learn to feel the difference between making decisions from either:

1) Fears and old beliefs
2) Based on trust and the ability of your intuitions to take holistic and sustainable solutions.


Tips for the fa/desorganised when dating:

They can feel their Body But Can not always feel the body, if they are dissociated. They can therefore overhear warning signals. They can have boundless confidence because they are dissociated.
They may experience panic and anxiety symptoms in the body. This does not always mean, that they are with the wrong person. It may be the old story from the past.
They can be in high arousel when they date. They can react with a shut down and suddenly end the relationship if their date is looking at someone else, saying something they do not like ect. Shut down can feel like hopelessness. This is also connected to shame.

They can use breathing attention, the water tank exercise, the orientation exercise ect. to get into the now.

After the 2. Date until You become a couple:

Maybe you just have a little disorganized attatchment style - maybe only 5% and it only appears in your love life.

It feels like a tension in the nervous system, high arousel, by tension in the chest, anxiety in the body, difficulty breathing ect.
It can feel like panic anxiety.
Or you do not feel anything at all in the body and this is because you are dissosiated. You can't count on your bodys signals.
Use the water tank exercise, push exercise, here and now exercise ect.

Spend more time getting to know the other person. You need your head and you need to use reason.
Get a friend to help you.

Boundaries are important, pay attention to any underdog - overdog/topdog dynamics. You can overstep your own and other peoples boundaries. Also Letting other people overstep your own boundaries.
Use competent protector exercise, the water tank exercise, here and now exercise, orientation exercise.

Check out your dealbreakers and your love vision.

Shame, you may feel your boundaries, but you have doubts about your boundaries being okay.
Get help from an objective friend.

The disorganized can use Peter Levine's wuu sound.

Are you dating a person with disorganized affiliation
Rest in yourself, be clear with your boundaries, use clear communication, clearly say yes or no. Be aware of boundaries. Do not be pushy.If the disorganized is too fast, en Be gentle and loving. Say you just have to be able to follow, but that you are still interested. Is there is an drama, land your own and the other's nervous system. The disorganized can be confused. While ambivalent may be in doubt

Tips for ap:

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/26238/

Yep. You are most certainly correct. Insecure attachers are attracted to each other, in friendships as well, and it's usually not a conscious thing.

Your ideas are a good start. I think other subtle influences are things like, other insecure attachers may have weak boundaries (but that feels familiar and like connection is easier sometimes, maybe in an extra permissive and seemingly judgement-free way around things that are actually dysfunctional, so it can feel safe), you may both be primed for dysfunctional dynamics such as codependency so you just seem to fit with each other better, and sometimes two people with issues are hurting for connection and someone they can have a fantasy connection with to create a hope of someone else filling in their wounds and therefore both bring that same energy to each other, which feels good.

Here's a couple related articles in addition to Anne's links:

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202006/are-you-feeling-sparks-someone-new-or-anxiety

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202003/why-you-might-attract-unavailable-partners

How to stop this? ....Fu*ked if I know!

I have read enough literature on this stuff to start a library.

The trajectory seems to be:
You go through so much pain that one day you realise something really messed up is going on. You discover attachment styles, co dependency, etc and make one big leap forward. Then you go on with insight but still messed up and frustrated and further progress takes a frustrating time. Hopefully At some point in the near or very far future you integrate enough of this stuff that you create a healthy relationship. Therapy, open mindedness and sometimes drugs seem to expedite the process.

The delay between the insight step and continued progress seems to be caused by the difficulty accessing and altering the subconscious, Where a lot if this dysfunctional stuff goes on.

There are multiple page threads about "healing" your dysfunctional behaviours smeared all over the place in this forum with lots of good info. But whether it resonates with you depends on your personality.

I must admit I find this attractive. But I'm not sure doormat is quiet the right word as I definately like women to have at least some backbone to be attracted. I guess most insecure people are searching for external validation. So offering it so freely would naturally be attractive.

Thank you everybody for your contribution to the thread. I find it a fascinating topic as well!

anne12 Thank you for the extensive info provided, suggestions and interpretations. I can see a pattern where after honeymoon phases in relationships people show me their real nature and I clearly ignore red flags and avoidant characteristics. In contrast, when I engaged with secure/anxious partners their attachment style kind of clashed with what I was used to deal with as a child. Therefore I shut down and pushed them off. However, I wonder what do securely attached individuals do when they spot initial red flags? Do they immediately rationalize and leave when their boundaries are not respected?
Of course I do not generalize. I don't think people who were abandoned and neglected in their childhood cannot provide love or are unable to deal with relationships. My last partner actually told me he was in therapy for that, which reassured me. However, he still got triggered and broke up with me in very DA style.
I have engaged in several inner child healing techniques as I can see that abandonment wounds are very intense to me now. I for sure have not worked on my erotic feminine side and will surely try the exercises you suggested!
"And are you able to keep your heart open no matter what happens?" I must answer with a no. I currently feel very closed off but I intend to work on this, as well. I feel as if oftentimes I get too comfortable with my being (or attempting to be) detached from feelings.

alexandra thank you for the articles! I agree with what you wrote.

krolle , thank you! I think that even before discovering attachment styles I was aware of my tendencies. Now I have some tools to deal with them (the ability not to take things and reactions personally, just to mention one). The issue is that I can see that many many people are unaware...Many appear as securely attached just to unveil their insecurities after 1-2 months. If I will once again stumble upon FAs and DAs and get burnt, will I get triggered again in terms of my abandonment issues? What I am afraid of is that disappointments will always bring me back to FA behaviors, even though i am aware, to kind of safeguard myself..

annieb I can relate to your experiences a lot.. For me it is people pleasing. And again it is connected to emotional neglection. I also always feel like I have to help my partner, solve things for him, provide for him.

I'd say this is a good summary, but the one big component missing is it all comes out of trauma and the trauma itself needs to be addressed and healed. That's ultimately what all this is about, and the healing is what rewires the nervous system. All the dysfunction are maladaptive coping mechanisms that actually DO help in response to if you're physically trapped in only dealing with dysfunctional people and situations (ie a small child), there was a purpose when it evolved.