Just an update on family stuff….

Two weeks ago we celebrated my step fathers’ mother’s 90th birthday.  It was a dinner out and I picked a nice dress to wear.  When my mom saw me she commented that the dress was pretty but it would look better if I held my stomach in.  Mind you, this was just family and a couple of her friends in a private room.  I did not say anything and just continued to enjoy my time catching up with others.  My youngest brother came down and he told me that next summer, they are going to go on a trip with his wife’s family.  One of her sister’s lives in France.  My mom had commented that she was surprised and disappointed in this because the rest of her family is local to them and they often go on vacations together…such as skiing last winter.  

Last Friday I decided to take my mom out for an early birthday lunch.  While there she raised again her disappointment that my sister in law’s family gets to see her grandchildren more often then she does.  I told her her feelings are valid and suggested that she discuss them with my brother.

Then she got emotional about the fact that we (her children)  always give such a hoopla for our step fathers birthday but not hers.  I told her that the issue is that our step father is very clear about the things he enjoys but that I have no clue what she does.  At first she was a bit upset…saying I have known her all my life and that she should not have to tell us what she wants/likes for her birthday…but I calmly explained to her that because she is so stoic….I have no idea what she enjoys outside her choir (which has been doing zoom rehearsals).  And when I asked her what she wanted, she said she needed to think about it because she did not know.  Afterwards…she sent me an email, thanking me for lunch and for listening to her.  She is still considering what she wants.

i am really proud of the progress I have made.  Not that long ago…her pull in your stomach comment would have made me feel fat and unattractive….but I have grown to love my body and have worked very hard to reawaken sensations there.  I did tell my brother who said it was a rude comment….but I know she did not say it to be mean….probably it was something she was told often growing up and it does make a dress look nicer….but I am done trying to impress anyone for the sake of my body image.  The birthday lunch revealed more about my mom’s perspective on fairness and again, I feel I handled it much more maturely then in the past…because I was able to recognize that this was her issue and that I did not need to take on her negative emotions (which is difficult being a HSP).  I am still working on boundaries but this was the most secure I have ever felt.