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Post by Themimms on Sept 9, 2021 12:12:11 GMT
Hi all,
My ex (DA) and I were together for 6 months. I was also a DA in this relationship as I wanted to thread really carefully/slowly and keep my freedom. He fell for this sense of independence in me, and ultimately chased me. He maybe wasn't used to being around someone with their own DA tendencies and he often said he likes the "no bullshit" side of me that doesn't chase after someone.
The last month of our relationship, he became more distant and started acting irregular (outside of our usual DA shared habits). I remained secure and did my own thing, didn't confront him about it or let it impact me on the outside. In the end however, I felt that it became unbearable so I broke up with him on a whim - saying I needed to be in a more regular relationship with someone, that I couldn't deal anymore with our fears and dance of pulling away from each other back and forth - I wanted to be in a secure relationship basically. He agreed to the break up, said it was a good idea and that the distancing from us both had been a mistake from the start. He said he hadn't been thinking about breaking up himself yet, but agreed it was the best as he couldn't give me what I wanted (it's not you - it's me). Two days later I texted him to say I was afraid maybe it's a mistake to run away from each other and that I was open to giving it a go being more open to each other (also acknowledging my own avoidant sides) and trying to get closer, but if he's not interested in that I'll respect it and move on. It wasn't a letter of some sort, but a couple of sentences. He then said that he still felt it was best to move on in a sweet reply, and I left it.
2 weeks later he reached out to me to invite me to a party. I said I was out of town, responded neutrally but friendly. He asked when I'd be back but then he dropped out of the conversation. 3 weeks after that, I reached out to tell him about something I had done that I was excited about. He replied politely but neutral, then didn't respond to my reply.
I found out that he started seeing someone else around 3 weeks after our break up. I do not know if she's still in the picture or in what way, and I don't stalk her online or anything to find out either as I have no interest in that.
He does watch my content I post sometimes I believe by mistake, as he can watch one story and then exit out before the rest plays. He has not responded/reached out in 2,5 months and I also didn't try to reach out again since he didn't seem to want to talk last time.
I've since the breakup just worked on myself and taken time to focus on my hobbies. I have semi banned myself from dating since I wanted to heal before I jump into something new (just like the DA ex - I also had urges to find someone asap but decided not to). I think I can now call myself more of a secure.
What do you think happened here in this relationship? Classic story of a DA dropping out once the chase was over and the first hurdle came? It complicates things I think with the fact that I was actually pretty DA myself and pushed him away in multiple ways, including initiating the ultimate break. I would love to rekindle things if it was possible, and if he would in fact be willing to work on things, but I understand this is unlikely and I certainly don't want to start chasing or get back into something unhealthy. I'd also love to become friends in the future when even more time has passed, but since he hasn't reached out at all to even check on me I think that's unlikely too which is really a shame I think because I miss him in my life.
I know it's adviced to keep going NC everywhere and just keep working on myself. But how does it play in that I had neglected/been DA myself and actually "abandoned him" in that break up moment? What would you have done in my situation?
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dexter
Junior Member
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Post by dexter on Sept 9, 2021 13:07:55 GMT
Hi!
So, you've consciously acted DA hoping to get secured relationship?
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Post by annieb on Sept 9, 2021 13:59:46 GMT
I don’t see how you abandoned him seeing that he is a new relationship and you aren’t. If you acted DA, but didn’t feel DA, I don’t know what to tell you, but don’t do that anymore. Act how you feel even if it’s AP and even if you’re “ashamed” of it. But my very wild and uneducated guess is that you could have acted “secure” and it would have still ended this way.
I would shy away from a “friendship” with him. Just because it will only further your pain if you stay friends. It’s destructive to you. Keep doing what you’re doing with your life and stay NC. Blocking and deleting is appropriate with this person, and you should. Even though there weren’t any obvious and terrible fallouts.
If you really had DA deactivation feelings during the relationship -I would sit down and jot down the moments they came over you and figure out what your brain was trying to do.
For example for me - I sometimes start seeing more grotesque features in my partner; I would literally look at the pictures of the person that I’ve fallen for and start seeing their “flaws”. It’s a really annoying strategy and when I catch myself doing it I really have to laugh. And I really want to stop.
Other than that you’re in the right place to grow.
Also I would examine why you felt like you had to act DA - were you trying to please him? Did you think that it would get you different results?
Being secure is not that much different from being DA ir FA, it’s just that a secure examines how they feel before they determine how they should act, and remove themselves from harm’s way - in this case - the cold breakup, for example - remove yourself from being exposed to him in any way so you can move on.
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Post by Themimms on Sept 9, 2021 15:47:06 GMT
Hi! So, you've consciously acted DA hoping to get secured relationship? No, I would say that I genuinely was DA until I realized I was tired of us being distant with each other back and forth (one person would move towards the other - the other would take a step back etc and scaring each other) |
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Post by Themimms on Sept 9, 2021 15:54:29 GMT
I don’t see how you abandoned him seeing that he is a new relationship and you aren’t. If you acted DA, but didn’t feel DA, I don’t know what to tell you, but don’t do that anymore. Act how you feel even if it’s AP and even if you’re “ashamed” of it. But my very wild and uneducated guess is that you could have acted “secure” and it would have still ended this way. I would shy away from a “friendship” with him. Just because it will only further your pain if you stay friends. It’s destructive to you. Keep doing what you’re doing with your life and stay NC. Blocking and deleting is appropriate with this person, and you should. Even though there weren’t any obvious and terrible fallouts. If you really had DA deactivation feelings during the relationship -I would sit down and jot down the moments they came over you and figure out what your brain was trying to do. For example for me - I sometimes start seeing more grotesque features in my partner; I would literally look at the pictures of the person that I’ve fallen for and start seeing their “flaws”. It’s a really annoying strategy and when I catch myself doing it I really have to laugh. And I really want to stop. Other than that you’re in the right place to grow. Also I would examine why you felt like you had to act DA - were you trying to please him? Did you think that it would get you different results? Being secure is not that much different from being DA ir FA, it’s just that a secure examines how they feel before they determine how they should act, and remove themselves from harm’s way - in this case - the cold breakup, for example - remove yourself from being exposed to him in any way so you can move on. Not to please him or as an act, but I was pretty scared of entering a relationship and getting close to someone which lead to the DA dance we had. Basically if he moved closer I'd pull away, when I moved closer he would etc. I was probably more DA than him until the very end It's not really my thing to block/delete unless someone has acted really out of line with me, but I have hidden the content from him so I don't see it. I guess with the abandonment I mean the fact that I initiated the breakup, since DAs tend to feel people will always leave and then I sort of made that come true |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2021 16:04:38 GMT
I'm DA/secure. Been in unhealthy dances. Not anymore. If you broke up with me on a whim I'd think you have big balls to come at me again, especially after I told you twice I agree with the breakup. In my mind a break up is a break up and it's great if you have worked on your impulsiveness but I wouldn't be interested in another ride, thank you. I tend to learn and move on, not learn and return. Because things break for a reason and I don't fantasize about what could have been , if only, I just deal with now and my next steps without looking back. It sounds like you two were flaky together and this short time passing isn't impressive in terms of changing a dynamic, just my take.
But, if you really want to know where you stand and his interest in trying again, in my opinion the secure thing to do is just be honest, ask, then accept his response instead of trying to decipher things ahead of time. Take it out of your head and into reality and see if it rolls.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 9, 2021 17:36:09 GMT
I was pretty scared of entering a relationship and getting close to someone This is what the actual issue was on your end, and it doesn't just go away because the other person isn't available anymore and your fear of engulfment has temporarily faded. It'll come right back as soon as someone is available, whether that's your ex or a new prospect. If you really want to deal with this and be in a secure relationship at some point, this is where you start. Where were these fears coming from? Have they happened before with others? |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 9, 2021 17:36:49 GMT
I don’t see how you abandoned him seeing that he is a new relationship and you aren’t. If you acted DA, but didn’t feel DA, I don’t know what to tell you, but don’t do that anymore. Act how you feel even if it’s AP and even if you’re “ashamed” of it. But my very wild and uneducated guess is that you could have acted “secure” and it would have still ended this way. I would shy away from a “friendship” with him. Just because it will only further your pain if you stay friends. It’s destructive to you. Keep doing what you’re doing with your life and stay NC. Blocking and deleting is appropriate with this person, and you should. Even though there weren’t any obvious and terrible fallouts. If you really had DA deactivation feelings during the relationship -I would sit down and jot down the moments they came over you and figure out what your brain was trying to do. For example for me - I sometimes start seeing more grotesque features in my partner; I would literally look at the pictures of the person that I’ve fallen for and start seeing their “flaws”. It’s a really annoying strategy and when I catch myself doing it I really have to laugh. And I really want to stop. Other than that you’re in the right place to grow. Also I would examine why you felt like you had to act DA - were you trying to please him? Did you think that it would get you different results? Being secure is not that much different from being DA ir FA, it’s just that a secure examines how they feel before they determine how they should act, and remove themselves from harm’s way - in this case - the cold breakup, for example - remove yourself from being exposed to him in any way so you can move on. Not to please him or as an act, but I was pretty scared of entering a relationship and getting close to someone which lead to the DA dance we had. Basically if he moved closer I'd pull away, when I moved closer he would etc. I was probably more DA than him until the very end It's not really my thing to block/delete unless someone has acted really out of line with me, but I have hidden the content from him so I don't see it. I guess with the abandonment I mean the fact that I initiated the breakup, since DAs tend to feel people will always leave and then I sort of made that come true It could also be that you both had FA tendencies….but I can’t say that definitively with the information you have provided. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2021 18:20:11 GMT
For what it's worth, I think he has demonstrated his interest and capacity thoroughly. You are triggered anxious to some extent or at least into pursuit. So while I don't see you as DA or secure here I do see you as wishing to pursue someone who is not making themselves available to you in any way. He asked you to a party and then asked someone else and she fit the bill apparently, for whatever reason or length of time.
So, from Day 1 he's been dismissive, he was dismissive about the break, dismissive about your unavailability, and you actually seem anything but dismissive here. You seem avoidant but anxious and fearful, consciously so. A dismissive is unconsciously afraid. You are back and forth, and I sense a cool act that is cloaking your own insecurity and I see you wanting to go at a relationship sideways. Even considering him as a candidate is questionable to me, simply because you have your eye on someone who has never demonstrated availability and yet you claim to be available. Available, secure people don't ruminate about unavailable insecure people.
The reason I said it would be the secure thing to do to approach him is because by "secure" I assume you are comfortable
1) Knowing exactly what you are up to
2) Having clear intention
3) Acting in alignment with your intention
4) Communicating directly with the person of interest
5) Respecting their answer without second guessing it
But, I don't necessarily believe these things are true about you, or at least that you have had an opportunity to practice secure behaviors while actually involved with someone. I don't believe you can call yourself secure until you have demonstrated an ability to actually show up with another person that way- it doesn't happen in your head. Real interactions involve risk, vulnerabilty, courage in the face of any fear that you may have, the ability to empathize and not project, etc etc. Openness, seeking genuine partnership with no hidden agenda. In your head, with all the pondering and ruminating, none of these apply.
So- the first step to secure in my mind is to test it out. Not a real secure thing to test it out on someone that doesn't check any "secure" boxes, but he's the one you are into. Myself, if the list I made applies to my thinking then I take action directly and see what happens next. If you end up in a push pull dynamic or find yourself somehow crushed or inspired to chase, you're not so secure you're just swinging on the pendulum. My take anyway.
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Post by dullboat123 on Sept 9, 2021 23:28:01 GMT
thread really carefully/slowly and keep my freedom. This sounds like an inevitable train wreck from the start. If you got to thread carefully in a relationship, its bound to fail because that shit gets tiring fast. Also true "freedom" doesn't really belong in a relationship. Freedom to do whatever you want and go out with your friends to a certain extent. Avoidants expects total freedom like - answer to no one, not telling your partners your whereabouts, keeping secrets etc. Those "freedom" are destructive behaviours in a relationship. Even if a couple managed to stay together in that dynamic, their kids will no doubt suffer and they become a new generation of messed up kids with therapists rubbing their hands in glee for a constant supply of business. I suggest, if you are aware that you're DA, congratulations. That is the FIRST step to healing and be secure. Therapy and lots of it sounds like the way to go. |
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Post by virusbkk on Sept 10, 2021 5:50:38 GMT
If you have self-identified as a DA, and are certain that your ex is DA as well,
then a DA-DA pairing is actually the most unstable, out of all the insecure pairings.
It is not surprising that this happened.
Forget about the past, and try to work on yourself in becoming more secure.
Self-awareness is a good thing.
Secure relationships are not about independence, but (emotional) interdependence -
and a DA's belief that they are only responsible for their own emotions, is the biggest obstacle to that.
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Post by krolle on Sept 12, 2021 3:00:20 GMT
seems like more FA behaviour to me. Perhaps FA leaning dismissive.
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Post by Themimms on Sept 13, 2021 8:48:10 GMT
seems like more FA behaviour to me. Perhaps FA leaning dismissive. Him? Or me? |
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Post by krolle on Sept 13, 2021 19:10:48 GMT
Definately you, but both of you most likely by the description of your behaviour.
The push/pull nature is quiet classically FA. Also your rekindled interest in him now he's not available. And desire to remain friends. You don't want to lose him completely, so a classic FA tactic is to change the nature of the relationship. Trying your best to balance fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment.
I know how it feels. I'v been there. I AM there....sometimes.
You do have some secure behaviours, as many people do. Not jumping into a relationship immediately after for example.
"he became more distant and started acting irregular (outside of our usual DA shared habits). I remained secure and did my own thing, didn't confront him about it or let it impact me on the outside"
^ This is most definately not you remaining secure.
This is very avoidant. By saying you didn't confront him about you are also saying you didn't communicate to him about it and internally decided to withdraw. He likely did the same at several points and so things deteriorated.
A secure behavior would have been to talk about it with him at the time, preferably with compassion and empathy, but also not denying how it makes you feel and if it's working for you.
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Post by Themimms on Sept 13, 2021 20:27:55 GMT
Thanks for the input. It's possible that I got triggered into being avoidant with a mix of fear (FA). Perhaps he + the whole situation brought it out of me. I was in a longterm relationship for many years before where I was a lot more secure and didn't act this avoidant, so it's possible something got triggered by this guy's insecure attachment and our bond. Maybe I was avoidant first parts of the relationship and then our ending triggered the fearful sides after I had lost him.
I guess for now I'll remain working on myself, moving on but staying away from dating. And if he shows up again I'll see then what he has to say. Maybe the secure thing would be to discuss things once again as I was advised above, but I don't feel comfortable saying a second time that I'm open to working on the push-pull dynamic issues. First time fine but second time would feel like chasing to me, and he hasn't deserved that at this point. I'm much more comfortable leaving it at my last response that I understand and accept the decision and staying in no contact until he reaches out.
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