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Post by tnr9 on Sept 13, 2021 20:44:20 GMT
Thanks for the input. It's possible that I got triggered into being avoidant with a mix of fear (FA). Perhaps he + the whole situation brought it out of me. I was in a longterm relationship for many years before where I was a lot more secure and didn't act this avoidant, so it's possible something got triggered by this guy's insecure attachment and our bond. Maybe I was avoidant first parts of the relationship and then our ending triggered the fearful sides after I had lost him. I guess for now I'll remain working on myself, moving on but staying away from dating. And if he shows up again I'll see then what he has to say. Maybe the secure thing would be to discuss things once again as I was advised above, but I don't feel comfortable saying a second time that I'm open to working on the push-pull dynamic issues. First time fine but second time would feel like chasing to me, and he hasn't deserved that at this point. I'm much more comfortable leaving it at my last response that I understand and accept the decision and staying in no contact until he reaches out. Fearful avoidant is both avoidant and anxious…and it is not unusual for there to be a “preference” or a “leaning” in relationships. It sounds like you may lean avoidant….but in this relationship…or specifically the ending of it…it triggered your anxious side. A secure person typically stays secure and would not be interested in a relationship with someone insecure because of the inability of an insecure partner to be a good “partner”. |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 13, 2021 21:31:09 GMT
Also…..being insecurely attached is not a statement about your worth…it simply explains why there are behaviors you experience and display that are coping mechinisms from when you did not get what you needed as a child. The majority of us on the forums are still working through our traumas and are at various levels of healing.
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Post by Themimms on Sept 14, 2021 14:23:29 GMT
Yes, I think that makes sense with being avoidant until the breakup triggered anxieties. It was probably a fearful fleeing mode thing to break up instead of addressing the issues. And an anxious thing to reach out and say I was open to working on things instead after having a second thought and when the fear of loss kicked in.
I still feel anxious in the sense I wish he'd come back/reach out/have some type of contact. But not anxious enough to go into pursuit as I haven't reached out to him since then and I'm moving on and leaving everything to destiny.
As far as my ex, I think he's certainly a DA as he didn't reach out, didn't get triggered by my avoidance and since he saw his previous ex in a really negative light without reason, even avoided their shared pet so he wouldn't have to see her. She seemed normal but I think he shuts down. I think he felt safe to commit to me since I was so avoidant and maybe it really attracted him going into pursuit, but then the commitment freaked him out after a while. He was always pushing hard on his own independence and freedom, but so was I and even more than him (he'd be the one to say he want to see me more often) so that dance didn't disturb me until it went extreme in his final pull away mode when there was almost no relationship left
He seemed very un-impacted by the breakup and cold/shut down mode, but in retrospect he showed some insecurities when he reached out to ask me to the party, he changed his profile picture on a platform where only I would see it - and only there, and the going into immediate pursuit of someone new as soon as he could. Maybe a part of him was hurting too.
I guess future will tell though. If there is some FA in him maybe it's not the last of this story, but I won't wait for him either way and I know this dynamic isn't something I should go back to and I have to remember it's the insecurities in me mixed with avoidant-avoidant sexual chemistry
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 14, 2021 14:40:04 GMT
Yes, I think that makes sense with being avoidant until the breakup triggered anxieties. It was probably a fearful fleeing mode thing to break up instead of addressing the issues. And an anxious thing to reach out and say I was open to working on things instead after having a second thought and when the fear of loss kicked in. I still feel anxious in the sense I wish he'd come back/reach out/have some type of contact. But not anxious enough to go into pursuit as I haven't reached out to him since then and I'm moving on and leaving everything to destiny. As far as my ex, I think he's certainly a DA as he didn't reach out, didn't get triggered by my avoidance and since he saw his previous ex in a really negative light without reason, even avoided their shared pet so he wouldn't have to see her. She seemed normal but I think he shuts down. I think he felt safe to commit to me since I was so avoidant and maybe it really attracted him going into pursuit, but then the commitment freaked him out after a while. He was always pushing hard on his own independence and freedom, but so was I and even more than him so it didn't disturb be at all until it went extreme in his final pull away mode when there was almost no relationship left He seemed very un-impacted by the breakup and cold/shut down mode, but in retrospect he showed some insecurities when he reached out to ask me to the party, he changed his profile picture on a platform where only I would see it, and the going into immediate pursuit of someone new as soon as he could. Maybe a part of him was hurting too. I guess future will tell though. If there is some FA in him maybe it's not the last of this story, but I won't wait for him either way and I know this dynamic isn't something I should go back to I would recommend at this point to turn your attention from his attachment issues to yours because the only thing that truly matters is that this was not a good fit for you. He will be responsible to determine and heal (if he wants) his insecurity issues. The only takeaway (as I have learned from being here almost 3 years) is that any time a relationship starts to trigger avoidance or anxiety…that is the signal to check in and see whether the relationship is really a good fit by talking about it with your partner. There are so many opportunities I had to sit down with B and determine if we were truly compatible and I did not take advantage of those. So much heartache and fear can be avoided with patience, curiosity, openness and dialogue. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2021 14:52:04 GMT
Yes, I think that makes sense with being avoidant until the breakup triggered anxieties. It was probably a fearful fleeing mode thing to break up instead of addressing the issues. And an anxious thing to reach out and say I was open to working on things instead after having a second thought and when the fear of loss kicked in. I still feel anxious in the sense I wish he'd come back/reach out/have some type of contact. But not anxious enough to go into pursuit as I haven't reached out to him since then and I'm moving on and leaving everything to destiny. As far as my ex, I think he's certainly a DA as he didn't reach out, didn't get triggered by my avoidance and since he saw his previous ex in a really negative light without reason, even avoided their shared pet so he wouldn't have to see her. She seemed normal but I think he shuts down. I think he felt safe to commit to me since I was so avoidant and maybe it really attracted him going into pursuit, but then the commitment freaked him out after a while. He was always pushing hard on his own independence and freedom, but so was I and even more than him so it didn't disturb be at all until it went extreme in his final pull away mode when there was almost no relationship left He seemed very un-impacted by the breakup and cold/shut down mode, but in retrospect he showed some insecurities when he reached out to ask me to the party, he changed his profile picture on a platform where only I would see it, and the going into immediate pursuit of someone new as soon as he could. Maybe a part of him was hurting too. I guess future will tell though. If there is some FA in him maybe it's not the last of this story, but I won't wait for him either way and I know this dynamic isn't something I should go back to I would recommend at this point to turn your attention from his attachment issues to yours because the only thing that truly matters is that this was not a good fit for you. He will be responsible to determine and heal (if he wants) his insecurity issues. The only takeaway (as I have learned from being here almost 3 years) is that any time a relationship starts to trigger avoidance or anxiety…that is the signal to check in and see whether the relationship is really a good fit by talking about it with your partner. There are so many opportunities I had to sit down with B and determine if we were truly compatible and I did not take advantage of those. So much heartache and fear can be avoided with patience, curiosity, openness and dialogue. Very wise words tnr9. And Themimms although his style and inner life are not the topic to address, I do want to add that avoidant triggering is often coming from a place of being unable to understand, express, and have met our own deep dependency needs. If an avoidants shuts down there IS a reason, related to dependency and unmet needs. It's not out of nowhere. Either they still have a complete unawareness on the conscious level of their need to find safety and love in another, or they are aware of that but don't think it's possible and are resigned to survival, or something else along those lines. A DA will respond in insecure ways to another insecure. So if you were avoidant, he knew on some level he could never be safe with you (yes, he can react to that even while being unsafe for you- that is the insecure boogie). So it's likely he would resort to his strongest style and withdraw further. This also happens when a DA is with an anxious partner. On some level they are aware (and often made aware by AP acting out) that they are not safe with their partner (even while being unsafe FOR their partner). So don't make the mistake of thinking that any insecure person, avoidant or anxious, act out for no reason. If a DA does happen to be with a secure, they may be deeply unaware and doing their own dance- but it's highly unlikely someone that unaware would attract a secure person in the first place. Unavailable attracts and is attracted to unavailable until such time the transformation has begun to enough degree to attract someone healthier. I think we meet our own level. |
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Post by Themimms on Sept 14, 2021 15:08:10 GMT
tnr9 @introvert Good point about not trying to solve his issues. I guess I'm a step in the right direction being on here and trying to understand my own insecurities instead of being out chasing the next person to date. I was in fact a lot more secure with my previous ex whom I think was a more secure person even if maybe not in 100% of the situations. I think also it has to do with timing and that I was going through a lot of things in other parts of life that made me less secure in this relationship I made another thread in the General group about a smothering mother which is what I think is the main root cause to everything in my situation. I'm so used to being chased by a parent that can act sort of like a needy partner that it feels like a relief with more avoidant leaning romantic partners as long as it's not going to extremes. Think I'd pair well with a secure or a secure/DA leaning as long as it's not a full on DA
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 14, 2021 15:27:44 GMT
tnr9 @introvert Good point about not trying to solve his issues. I guess I'm a step in the right direction being on here and trying to understand my own insecurities instead of being out chasing the next person to date. I was in fact a lot more secure with my previous ex whom I think was a more secure person even if maybe not in 100% of the situations. I think also it has to do with timing and that I was going through a lot of things in other parts of life that made me less secure in this relationship I made another thread in the General group about a smothering mother which is what I think is the main root cause to everything in my situation. I'm so used to being chased by a parent that can act sort of like a needy partner that it feels like a relief with more avoidant leaning romantic partners as long as it's not going to extremes. Think I'd pair well with a secure or a secure/DA leaning as long as it's not a full on DA Yes…it is good to find the root of the insecurity…..and with that awareness, the next step is to work though that trauma, preferably with a therapist although some members on this site have done the work on their own. A lot of people think that their insecurity is caused or drawn out by their partner when it is really an inside job….and as such, is best addressed by working through that trauma. By working through the trauma, instead of simply trying to find a partner who does not activate it, a shift happens internally towards earning secure. |
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Post by annieb on Sept 14, 2021 16:04:16 GMT
I often wonder what the secure meeting a secure must feel like. I’ve had glimpses of that in my sisters relationship (they didn’t start out as secure I do not believe, but they are as close to as secure as I think at least in my experience I’ve seen). And the difference between them being young and both somewhat avoidant, with my sister being dismissive avoidant and my brother in law being fearful avoidant, this is all my assessment) to the age they are now and their behavior change is startling.
They both seem to be very happy on their own. In their own right, they have their jobs and their hobbies and shared hobbies and of course a child that they relate through. The child being older and independent helps, too, of course. But if you met each my BIL and my sister separately you would think this person is very happy on their own. And they both literally radiate love. They have so much to give and they look healthy and happy. And I think it is because they both sought individual therapy on their own, and I don’t believe they ever had couples therapy at all. And we are talking BIL being a near alcoholic level at some point and my sister what I would basically call narcissistic at certain points. They have now both completely transformed themselves (this transformation has taken around 4 years, with both of them being in individual therapy). They now have healthy conflict resolution and they don’t shy away from it. Everything is discussed then and there and nothing festers. There are no unanswered questions and no awkwardness. No abuse, no silent treatments.
This growth towards “secure” is an inside job all in all. One can share their progress with a partner of course, but it’s almost what feels like the opposite of “attachment”.
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Post by Themimms on Sept 28, 2021 17:47:03 GMT
Hi again
Some new developments in this story is that he now has a new girlfriend (3 months post our BU, they met 2-3 weeks after it) and they seem to be moving a lot faster than him and I did, having met the parents and what not. I heard this via contacts. I on my hand didn't even start dating yet, although i'm doing ok overall
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