Post by ta2022 on Sept 30, 2021 20:23:21 GMT
Although I initially thought my ex was DA, I’ve come to believe he is FA. Early in the relationship he was highly attentive, engaged, and perceptive. He texted me throughout the day and initiated phone calls. (I should note we were long distance.) He asked me a lot of deep personal questions about myself and demonstrated empathy, care, and concern. I’m AP and, not surprisingly, I’ve had some bad relationship experiences and he expressed how sorry he was that I had been through those things, suggesting much of the blame lie with my partners for not understanding me. It felt like he was the first guy ever who was really listening to me.
This all said, he is NOT a people pleaser at all and is very decisive at work and home, basically a workaholic and very well respected in his company for being "in command."
He was the first to float the "L word." However, once that word was out in the open everything started to shift and communication became less predictable, both in frequency and tone. After a while of this, I would clearly express my needs using "I language," and without blame, and he would never really respond (positively or negatively) and nothing would really change. There would be days where his messages were brief, rote, and I would feel forgotten, and then out of the blue there would be a wonderfully connecting phone call or two hour long text message session.
Also, whenever we were together in person, like when we would spend weekends together, he was fully attentive. I never felt dismissed. It was as if the sun rose and set on me the entire time we were together in person. FWIW, I also believe we had something genuine (maybe even more for him than me, as I worry I was in limerence.) He told me repeatedly that he was closer to me and had shared more with me than he had with anyone in his life (and we're old LOL).
About six weeks ago he was going through a rough time with some family stuff so I sent some food to him at his workplace. Unbeknownst to me because we had never discussed it, he has this big issue with separating his work life from his personal life. When it arrived, a bunch of the guys at work teased him about it, he snapped, and sent me a text message breaking it off. I was devastated but vowed to myself I would not reach out.
Not two weeks later, he saw something I posted on social media that concerned him and he texted me asking me if I was OK. Then he phoned and said explained he had snapped out of anger/stress because he felt that I had violated his trust, but then agreed I had no way of knowing this was a violation since he had never told me. He said he wanted to be friends and couldn't imagine not having me in his life and "being there" for me.
In the month since, we have continued to text sporadically a couple of times a week. On more than one occasion, I have mentioned the need to establish boundaries for this friendship and decide what I’m comfortable sharing with him, and he said he wants me to be able to talk to him about “everything.” Last week, he didn’t hear from me for 6 days and texted to say I must be very busy because I had been very quiet. I made some joke about how he'd better be careful or it would sound like he missed me. The minute I sent that message I could’ve kicked myself. He responded immediately and said that yes, he was definitely missing me and I have been in his thoughts. I did not expect that.
Even prior to making my recent full fledged effort to change my attachment style to more secure, I’ve been working on myself with my own therapists (2!) and I’m trying to decide what I want to do with this situation. Do I want to continue as is, as friends? Or do I want more? Not gonna lie, I'd like to give it one more chance, especially since the ending was so abrupt and for a seemingly ridiculous reason.
If I want to try again, do I make a pitch now that we try to get back together (while also stating my boundaries and his need to work on himself) and see where it goes? Or should I do no contact first? (NC at this pt feels like game playing to me.)
Since he has continuously reached out, expressed interest, and showed concern, I feel like the opening is there on his end. I think maybe I’m more concerned about me at this point. Also, if I suggest we try to work it out and he says no, should I remain friends or cut him off completely?
Thanks for reading.
This all said, he is NOT a people pleaser at all and is very decisive at work and home, basically a workaholic and very well respected in his company for being "in command."
He was the first to float the "L word." However, once that word was out in the open everything started to shift and communication became less predictable, both in frequency and tone. After a while of this, I would clearly express my needs using "I language," and without blame, and he would never really respond (positively or negatively) and nothing would really change. There would be days where his messages were brief, rote, and I would feel forgotten, and then out of the blue there would be a wonderfully connecting phone call or two hour long text message session.
Also, whenever we were together in person, like when we would spend weekends together, he was fully attentive. I never felt dismissed. It was as if the sun rose and set on me the entire time we were together in person. FWIW, I also believe we had something genuine (maybe even more for him than me, as I worry I was in limerence.) He told me repeatedly that he was closer to me and had shared more with me than he had with anyone in his life (and we're old LOL).
About six weeks ago he was going through a rough time with some family stuff so I sent some food to him at his workplace. Unbeknownst to me because we had never discussed it, he has this big issue with separating his work life from his personal life. When it arrived, a bunch of the guys at work teased him about it, he snapped, and sent me a text message breaking it off. I was devastated but vowed to myself I would not reach out.
Not two weeks later, he saw something I posted on social media that concerned him and he texted me asking me if I was OK. Then he phoned and said explained he had snapped out of anger/stress because he felt that I had violated his trust, but then agreed I had no way of knowing this was a violation since he had never told me. He said he wanted to be friends and couldn't imagine not having me in his life and "being there" for me.
In the month since, we have continued to text sporadically a couple of times a week. On more than one occasion, I have mentioned the need to establish boundaries for this friendship and decide what I’m comfortable sharing with him, and he said he wants me to be able to talk to him about “everything.” Last week, he didn’t hear from me for 6 days and texted to say I must be very busy because I had been very quiet. I made some joke about how he'd better be careful or it would sound like he missed me. The minute I sent that message I could’ve kicked myself. He responded immediately and said that yes, he was definitely missing me and I have been in his thoughts. I did not expect that.
Even prior to making my recent full fledged effort to change my attachment style to more secure, I’ve been working on myself with my own therapists (2!) and I’m trying to decide what I want to do with this situation. Do I want to continue as is, as friends? Or do I want more? Not gonna lie, I'd like to give it one more chance, especially since the ending was so abrupt and for a seemingly ridiculous reason.
If I want to try again, do I make a pitch now that we try to get back together (while also stating my boundaries and his need to work on himself) and see where it goes? Or should I do no contact first? (NC at this pt feels like game playing to me.)
Since he has continuously reached out, expressed interest, and showed concern, I feel like the opening is there on his end. I think maybe I’m more concerned about me at this point. Also, if I suggest we try to work it out and he says no, should I remain friends or cut him off completely?
Thanks for reading.
