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Post by alexandra on Oct 25, 2021 4:36:30 GMT
As you feel all that, don't forget to try to have some compassion for yourself and some self-acceptance. With awareness also comes getting to choose who you want to be. It's okay to have made mistakes, it's okay to be ready to face things that led up to developing defense mechanisms.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2021 10:28:10 GMT
krolle , remember that all of your emotions are extreme and overwhelming right now. If you can hold steady and let them pass without self destructing you will have a more balanced perspective in time. You're on a painful ride right now and the point of support is to get you through it, and off it. When do you see your therapist again, I know she's not a good fit but what's your next step? Keep going forward and you will find the right help.
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Post by krolle on Oct 25, 2021 13:05:51 GMT
Thankyou so much for offering a sane space and sober viewpoints during this difficult time. it's nice to have this anchor to reality when I'm unsure about what's real. It's impossible to rest lately without alcohol or drugs. The ruminitive thoughts don't stop enough to allow me to calm down. And I cannot find an effective strategy to stop them. I can replace them with something equally distracting. But it has to be intense and therefore only offers brief respite before anxious exhaustion sets in again.
My next therapy is on Wednesday. I have made an official request to change to someone who specializes AT but said I would finish the month up with my current one.
I also apologize if I rapid fire posts and barely acknowledge the actual content of you guys responses. it's impossible to concentrate enough to respond with any kind of genuine coherency.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2021 13:43:46 GMT
Thankyou so much for offering a sane space and sober viewpoints during this difficult time. it's nice to have this anchor to reality when I'm unsure about what's real. It's impossible to rest lately without alcohol or drugs. The ruminitive thoughts don't stop enough to allow me to calm down. And I cannot find an effective strategy to stop them. I can replace them with something equally distracting. But it has to be intense and therefore only offers brief respite before anxious exhaustion sets in again. My next therapy is on Wednesday. I have made an official request to change to someone who specializes AT but said I would finish the month up with my current one. I also apologize if I rapid fire posts and barely acknowledge the actual content of you guys responses. it's impossible to concentrate enough to respond with any kind of genuine coherency. You are absolutely welcome and it's no problem at all if you aren't in a space for responding... we are here to support and the rapid fire posts have important content that you are working through. Glad you're here .  |
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Post by krolle on Oct 25, 2021 14:09:12 GMT
Just after I wrote that last message to you guys I had a wave of calm. For no specific reason. cognitively still struggling. But somatically was like being high. almost like waves of pleasure. Not the sexual kind. Kind of warm and relaxing.Then I fell asleep for an hour. If I could only work out what brought it on.
I will add bipolar to the schmorgus board of avenues.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2021 14:25:32 GMT
Just after I wrote that last message to you guys I had a wave of calm. For no specific reason. cognitively still struggling. But somatically was like being high. almost like waves of pleasure. Not the sexual kind. Kind of warm and relaxing.Then I fell asleep for an hour. If I could only work out what brought it on. I will add bipolar to the schmorgus board of avenues. It could be, that you worked through some of those painful feelings by expressing them, feeling the activation of them, and receiving compassion for them... without substances in the way? Idk if you were able to abstain or not. But things need to go full cycle in a safe way to resolve... but no matter what happened to provide that safe calm space I'm really glad for you!!! No doubt your physiology is in the driver's seat but coping in a more productive way like you have here helps in any case. It will get better as you find the interventions you need. And try to stay in the moment you are in, It's pretty rough if you're caught in regret and worry but you may be able to see what is good right now. Like make gratitude list of things you truly are grateful for. The basics like food, clean water, a bed, clothing.... all of that is so important and helps you. I always return to that when I feel unsafe. Because in the moment, I actually AM safe. |
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Post by krolle on Oct 25, 2021 22:07:25 GMT
Just after I wrote that last message to you guys I had a wave of calm. For no specific reason. cognitively still struggling. But somatically was like being high. almost like waves of pleasure. Not the sexual kind. Kind of warm and relaxing.Then I fell asleep for an hour. If I could only work out what brought it on. I will add bipolar to the schmorgus board of avenues. It could be, that you worked through some of those painful feelings by expressing them, feeling the activation of them, and receiving compassion for them... without substances in the way? Idk if you were able to abstain or not. But things need to go full cycle in a safe way to resolve... but no matter what happened to provide that safe calm space I'm really glad for you!!! No doubt your physiology is in the driver's seat but coping in a more productive way like you have here helps in any case. It will get better as you find the interventions you need. And try to stay in the moment you are in, It's pretty rough if you're caught in regret and worry but you may be able to see what is good right now. Like make gratitude list of things you truly are grateful for. The basics like food, clean water, a bed, clothing.... all of that is so important and helps you. I always return to that when I feel unsafe. Because in the moment, I actually AM safe. Maybe your right @introvert . it's hard to know. human psychology is very strange. I haven't drink in a few days. I'm not sure I'll be able to hold out much longer though. I'm in panic mode again. heart racing and unable to control the anxiety. awful feeling. Unable to function at work. I looked at my journal entries for the day before her behaviour changed and wrote I had a weird extremely vivid dream about a storm on the horizon. I rarely remember my dreams. Possibly a subconscious message. who knows. I can't tell if I'm being toyed with or going crazy. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2021 2:24:22 GMT
It could be, that you worked through some of those painful feelings by expressing them, feeling the activation of them, and receiving compassion for them... without substances in the way? Idk if you were able to abstain or not. But things need to go full cycle in a safe way to resolve... but no matter what happened to provide that safe calm space I'm really glad for you!!! No doubt your physiology is in the driver's seat but coping in a more productive way like you have here helps in any case. It will get better as you find the interventions you need. And try to stay in the moment you are in, It's pretty rough if you're caught in regret and worry but you may be able to see what is good right now. Like make gratitude list of things you truly are grateful for. The basics like food, clean water, a bed, clothing.... all of that is so important and helps you. I always return to that when I feel unsafe. Because in the moment, I actually AM safe. Maybe your right @introvert . it's hard to know. human psychology is very strange. I haven't drink in a few days. I'm not sure I'll be able to hold out much longer though. I'm in panic mode again. heart racing and unable to control the anxiety. awful feeling. Unable to function at work. I looked at my journal entries for the day before her behaviour changed and wrote I had a weird extremely vivid dream about a storm on the horizon. I rarely remember my dreams. Possibly a subconscious message. who knows. I can't tell if I'm being toyed with or going crazy. Man it sucks you're going through it. Hopefully you can get some relief from the medical side when that comes through! Where I live, medical marijuana is all the rage. I know a few people that use it for anxiety or insomnia. I don't use anything, but I bet I would of I were going through what you are :/ When were you guys supposed to meet up? |
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Post by krolle on Oct 26, 2021 3:17:33 GMT
I very occasionally do marijuana but it makes me paranoid as hell unless I'm in a good place psychologically. Then it's very pleasurable.
Right now I think I would lose my mind and have some kind of breakdown.
We're supposed to meet tomorow. But she's hardly spoken and when I asked her about times and stuff I got no response. I can almost guarantee a flake. I would put a hundred bucks tgat the excuse is that she's tired or not feeling well.
It feels like torture to be ignored and disrespected like this when I'm just being reasonable with my requests. I mean I'm acting totally nuts with you guys. But with her I'm just being polite and patient and stuff. Trying to bottle everything up.
I feel like I don't even know who she is. I can't conceive of the person I was getting to know over the last few months being like this. It's mind boggling. even when my avoidant side was triggered I still talked and stuff. I was just a little colder and easily irritated.
I'm starting to wonder whether I was just horribly manipulated.
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Post by krolle on Oct 26, 2021 3:49:22 GMT
It's really difficult to control my body temperature too. Im shivering one minute and Then I put a sweater on and I'm sweating.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 26, 2021 4:03:09 GMT
I'm out doing hill sprints. My shield of shame and lying to myself is disintegrating and showing me just what a terrible partner I'v been before. The defences against shame and guilt literally lie to you. Allow you to act without compassion. I have been there….it actually is how my doctor determined that I needed medication…because I just broke down every time I saw her. I still think it might be worth exploring if your dopamine or serotonin are off. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 26, 2021 4:03:49 GMT
It's really difficult to control my body temperature too. Im shivering one minute and Then I put a sweater on and I'm sweating. Wow…welcome to hot flashes…. |
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Post by krolle on Oct 26, 2021 4:45:16 GMT
I'm not sure a Male in his early 30's should be getting menopause symptoms lol.
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Post by alexandra on Oct 26, 2021 4:54:18 GMT
krolle, it's okay, we know your nervous system is triggered. I've been there so. many. times. myself! For like 20 years, starting pretty young lol, until being triggered AP made me feel so insane I was determined to deal with it. I don't think you're crazy, I don't think she's manipulated you, I don't even think she's toying with you. The only thing I do think is if this is how off-kilter your connection with her can make you feel, then what even happens if she wants to work on things with you and then all these feelings just drag out when you're both still searching for the tools and skills to have a better relationship? I've been where you are many times, and not once did it signal a healthy situation that was going to get better. Which is probably why I was so freaked out, not wanting to see or accept it. But it also would lead to where it sounds like you're at now -- who even is this person, are they still real and themselves or are they a projection, do I even like them, do I even like anything about how I feel right now, this can't be the right way to closely relate to someone can it?? I agree with tnr9 that if you can it's probably worthwhile to have some of your neurotransmitter etc. levels checked. People I know with mood issues were a lot more prone to trying to self-medicate with alcohol or uppers (and ironically the person I was talking about earlier also usually can't handle weed without intense paranoia).
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2021 13:01:34 GMT
I very occasionally do marijuana but it makes me paranoid as hell unless I'm in a good place psychologically. Then it's very pleasurable. Right now I think I would lose my mind and have some kind of breakdown. We're supposed to meet tomorow. But she's hardly spoken and when I asked her about times and stuff I got no response. I can almost guarantee a flake. I would put a hundred bucks tgat the excuse is that she's tired or not feeling well. It feels like torture to be ignored and disrespected like this when I'm just being reasonable with my requests. I mean I'm acting totally nuts with you guys. But with her I'm just being polite and patient and stuff. Trying to bottle everything up. I feel like I don't even know who she is. I can't conceive of the person I was getting to know over the last few months being like this. It's mind boggling. even when my avoidant side was triggered I still talked and stuff. I was just a little colder and easily irritated. I'm starting to wonder whether I was just horribly manipulated. I'm glad you're recognizing that her behavior is disrespectful. I think phone calls are better communication, and I assume you're texting? But nonetheless, a text is worthy of a response, to confirm time/place. The option remains to decide this isn't good for you and cut contact and focus on yourself, taking good care of yourself. Cutting out boundary violating behavior is a good first step. It's totally appropriate to choose your way out of this. Although, I understand the anxiety may prevent you from doing so. I'm just pointing out you right to make a choice for you. This is an overdog/underdog dynamic where you feel dependent upon her willingness to answer, and are negatively impacted if she doesn't- she's the top dog. That won't be good for you, ever. And it's not just you- she's not a good partner based on the fact she is wishy washy, breaking up and then indicating it's because of the sex without commitment, then being unable to have adult interactions even to discuss that. Whatever her malfunction, it pairs perfectly with yours to create this anxious/avoidant quagmire that's very destructive to you. |
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