Here we go again.

krolle

I have worked with boundaries myself …
Here are some tools that you might find usefull
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/40067/

That's good though! Did you initiate no contact formally or is it just an internal boundary? How are you?

Well, you may be right but also, maybe not- which isn't to give you hope but to encourage you to not torture yourself with a story. I do understand that the rumination piece is very challenging. For what it's worth, we are all better off without mixed messages and inconsistency and downright rude behavior in our relationships. It's familiar, but changing the patterns is possible and will open a whole new relating landscape. I know you know all this cognitively, all I can think of to say sounds hollow since it doesn't take away the struggle of it all.

When I look back at the things that had to end, I'm suuuuuure glad they did! It all paved the way to where I'm at now which is a good place. It's been confusing for me at times, having attachment stuff triggered.... but we all just work through that as we can. I still think you're doing great just to be open, aware, and sharing about it.

Well, it seems you are becoming able to say "I love you" to yourself through your actions of self care, and that is truly where it starts (I believe). The shift to healthy self interest makes you able to feel what it's like when someone has true empathy, trust, and respect for you, because you know that from yourself. You struggle with trust right now, but trust in yourself is like trust in others- it grows over time as a result of caring, responsible actions. It's all a big puzzle that you analyze and piece together, and it happens somewhat instinctively as you listen to your self.

For example, you know she doesn't feel safe to you, and you're basing that on not just a feeling but actions she's taken that demonstrate a lack of regard for you. You actually care more about you and know what kind of treatment you expect and deserve better than she does. So you're going with that and trying to make good decisions to take care of yourself around that. In the meantime it hurts so you're asking for and gaining support from people who are sympathetic and share their experience and guidance. You're cultivating your awareness of positive relating and your mind and body will change over time because of it. And maybe you have some chemical imbalance- instead of relying on self medicating with substances or toxic dynamics, you're looking for more helpful and less damaging options from the medical/counseling professions. You're building that relationship with yourself that says "I hear you, I'm listening, I am invested and committed to you, I want to understand you, I want to protect you from harm" etc. I really believe that when that's strong and a way of life for you, others will see that and the woman who can truthfully say all the same things (to herself, and to you!) will turn up, and you can sail and have adventures!

Reflecting on the experience, here are some of the potential red flags I missed in her and my self and pitfalls I fell into. I'm in a lot of emotional pain today and want to keep my mind busy, so this might be a long post.

Ignoring a history of running away geographically after a difficult emotional time. Bouncing from place to place. And Monkey branching from partner to partner.

Few to no deep or long term friends, or they are geographically distant and communicate infrequently.

I mistook her for a potential AP initially based on the strength with which she "came toward me". An avoidant can seem anything but, in the honeymoon phase. Also it's really hard to separate sexual intimacy with emotional intimacy.

Emotional hangovers. The longest we spent together was 2-3 days. These were the times we were most likely to disconnect afterward. And I believe a 3 day stint together caused her strong desire to withdraw. And mine too.... just more temporarily.

My own subconscious "testing" of her commitment to me probably really contributed significantly to a feeling of resentment that built. I think avoidant types have a bit more of a chance to "risk intimacy" if we get consistent subtle positive reinforcement it is safe to do so. But that's just guess work. It could have been that if I didn't "test" her and showed more genuine availability she would have just bolted quicker.

As has been mentioned by other posters on here this contributes significantly to my fears of abandonment in a self fulfilling prophecy. I push them to leave as a test... So they do. I don't give anyone a reason to want to stay with me aside from very insecure types who can't disengage. Borderliners etc. Then use it as an excuse to say to myself "look, you were right not to trust them" and the cycle perpetuates and is very difficult to break free from. It seems to take a monumental effort to accept information that does not fit with my world view, and relative ease to integrate things that do.

Although you said alexandra to try not blame myself for the 'break up'. I find it hard to not. I'm not sure how much my distancing and testing strategies sabotaged things from my side. But I appreciate without insight into this there wasn't much I could have done. I as said previously I'm not sure if I might have given the relationship a chance if I had acted more securely. I have noticed before with some avoidants, it is the subtlest sign you might reject them which causes the beginning of avoidant behaviours, or if the sign is obvious then a major sudden withdrawal. That something bothers them will usually NOT be communicated to you. I can remember now I have insight examples in my own past where this occurred, sometimes as long as years prior to the break up. The seed of doubt was planted and the mistrust grew, underground like a poisonous vine waiting to emerge later .

People pleasing/conflict avoidance. This is huge in my opinion. And very insidious. Whilst a person is not willing to say what they need/want in real time and risk conflict they cannot be trusted in a relationship, period. I know from first hand experience how easy it is to just lie than risk it. I never even realised it previously but I would describe myself as a compulsive liar now I'm aware. It's rarely if ever malicious. But so automatic the "purpotrator" doesn't even realize they're doing it. I would lie about everything. And I'm convinced she lied or withheld truth very often to me based on the incongruity of her words and behaviour. She was also very uncomfortable having her picture taken and always seemed to want to hide. I dont think this was related to her feeling bad about her appearance. I believe it was related to her being photo'd making her feel exposed and vulnerable. I also wouldn't be surprised if she wanted to stay 'hidden' to reduce the likelihood of her extra curricular activities coming out. I have been guilty of this before. Autonomy through being inconspicuous.

One of the most destructive aspects of the lying is just how oblivious to it we can be, we often believe our lies so its easier to tell them. The defence against guilt and shame make you disregard you are even doing anything wrong. And make it easy blame your partner, you really believe it's their fault you feel this way. I can absolutely see why I have been accused of being a narcassist before. In my opinion avoidance is very similar to narcissism. And I'v heard often comorbid. It's a total lack of insight about what you are doing. And that it's not healthy to be that way. It feels 'normal' and like the 'right or 'only' way to be. And you are basically oblivious to the pain caused.

It's a parasitic lifestyle. cycling through partners and essentially using them for validation, sex, company etc. And it's not that those things can't be shared in a healthy way. Even without commitment. But it's unhealthy and unfair when the other party is not on the same page about the intentions of the interaction. And in fact before awareness we don't even know ourselves that's what we are doing.

I am avoidant to some extent myself. And I know people I consider friends to be avoidant. So I don't want to put the label of bad person onto an avoidant. It's mostly subconscious. But in my experience an unaware avoidant ironically is to be avoided at all costs. Depending on the severity of the avoidance and comorbid desire for external validation , especially from the opposite sex. I think most avoidant will leave a trail of horrid interpersonal destruction in our wake. Without the need for external validation it's still bad. But not quiet so catastrophic, as I find those type avoidants are more prone to isolation and just staying away from people.

I truly feel ashamed for some of the pain I have caused people in the past. Even if their violent responses to me were unnaceptable, their feelings were completely justified.

With this current break up I'm hurting a lot over. I'm currently no contact. there is a part of me I can't deny which hopes it might cause her to become interested in me again. The hope of some control over the situation. In reality I doubt that will happen anytime soon because she is unaware and will almost certainly deal with things by jumping quickly into another short term affair. The resources I offered her can be got from someone new without the threat of dealing with difficult feelings. Which is an exquisitely painful thought. And I'm unable to stop graphic ruminations of her having sex with this new imaginary man. It's like a nightmare replaying in my head. Part of my brain knows she's not coming back. And the no contact is for my benefit, not as a tool of manipulation. But my brain is refusing to let go of a futile hope. I can't stop that.

Responding further to the guilt and shame you feel- I know you are feeling very painful feelings as you reflect on your relationship history, and this breakup... but toxic shame implanted in you by your caregivers is a piece of what set you up for it all. This isn't to suggest that you avoid responsibility, it's more of a nudge to help you see that shame is the enemy and perhaps there are ways you can find support to heal it. The tendency might be to become entrenched in it, perpetuating the problems that bring more guilt and shame. How's your therapy/medical options going?

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/toxic-shame#working-through-it

Thank you so much…..I think however if I had not gone through it…as painful as it was…I would never have found these boards….and I would never have addressed my low serotonin.  I know it must feel like it is all rinse and repeat to have these same issues pop up again and again…but you are changing….even if the women in your life aren’t.  And at some point…these women won’t be attractive to you because you will see their issues a mile away.  In the meantime, we are here for each other…..and we are not alone…no matter how Hollywood would like us to believe we are.