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Post by pinklemonade on Oct 11, 2021 17:25:16 GMT
I started seeing my ex-DA partner two years ago. It was a very casual FWB situation at that time. I had a whole lot going on in my life, and wasn’t seeking more.
I knew when we started seeing each other that he had never wanted to settle down and have a family. Several months in I revisited - just to see where we were, as we were becoming more serious. He stated that while he had never wanted a family of his own, he started to think it was a shame to not pass on his genes, and to give grandchildren to his mom.
Time progressed - about 10 months in we took a break from an intimate relationship, but 3 months later we started again.
For 10 months he got closer and closer. He was so affectionate. Soon he was at my house 3-5 nights a week, and investing in my kids. He was a quickly becoming a cherished and what felt like permanent fixture in all our lives.
We had no conflict. At all.
And we were so emotionally close. I’m FA but I have a very good handle on it. We were so even keel.
And then he just ended it. One Sunday morning just said “I think we can be best friends forever. Nothing needs to change. I’ll still come over. And even stay over, and do movie nights. But I need the opportunity to look for someone to have a family with”
Now I realize the ending of intimate relations and the desire to seek the “phantom partner” (which was exactly how it felt - I’m being dumped for someone who doesn’t even exist!!) are all FA signs.
But, the tough thing for me is he does continue to reach out. He breaks no contact. He checks in on the kids and me. And does genuinely believe we can be friends for life.
And…… I think his chances of finding someone much younger feels slim given his stage of life and dating history.
So I just go back and forth wondering if I should remain his friend.
What does he actually want? Is fear of intimacy driving this? Does he actually want a wife - in which case I will have to grieve our friendship all over again?
Has anyone experienced something similar?
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Post by alexandra on Oct 11, 2021 19:32:15 GMT
Hi pinklemonade, sorry you're going through this. Yes, I think several of us on the forum have experienced being non-committally "downgraded" by an FA. I've personally been told everything can stay the same, friends forever, but no more sex or commitment, followed by steamrolling and disrespecting my boundaries when I requested distance. You're probably right that this is an attachment related issue. But that doesn't mean it'll change if he doesn't find someone else. What it means is he's proven to you that you can't trust him for a real commitment to you. He needs things on his terms, probably to regulate his own fears of intimacy and engulfment (fears that have existed for a long time, unrelated to you or anything you did). But he still cares about you, enjoys your company, and is attached and wants you around if you'll stay, rather than losing you totally (which also stokes his fear of abandonment). My advice is, take the space you need to get over it. Since you're also FA, I understand it's extremely difficult to protect your own boundaries, but if you don't do it he sure won't. I had to all out block my ex for several months until I could emotionally deal with him again, though I told him exactly how I felt and that I was going to temporarily block him and the kindest thing he could do for me was give me space. I checked back in with myself months later and decided I was ready to try to be friends. I unblocked him and he was happy to hear from me and start hanging out again. But even then you need to be careful that you've really moved on and accepted he will never give you what you hope for if it's more than friendship, or you'll both cycle back into a situationship and stay stuck exactly where you are. |
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Post by pinklemonade on Oct 11, 2021 21:31:52 GMT
Thank you. This was exactly what I needed to hear.
On a daily basis I see the pedestal I put him on, and it becomes less and less tall all the time.
I do love him, and always will, but reality is definitely kicking in.
However, I am super thankful that he has only honoured boundaries. And when I’ve needed time and space he gives it. I have never put hard rules in place, but yes keep distance for weeks and only texted fo check in. That’s painful enough it seems.
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Post by drakelane on Oct 13, 2021 5:24:18 GMT
I don't see this as inherently DA unless you have more examples within the relationship.
It sounds like he just wanted to move or possibly found someone else.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2021 19:50:09 GMT
I started seeing my ex-DA partner two years ago. It was a very casual FWB situation at that time. I had a whole lot going on in my life, and wasn’t seeking more. I knew when we started seeing each other that he had never wanted to settle down and have a family. Several months in I revisited - just to see where we were, as we were becoming more serious. He stated that while he had never wanted a family of his own, he started to think it was a shame to not pass on his genes, and to give grandchildren to his mom. Time progressed - about 10 months in we took a break from an intimate relationship, but 3 months later we started again. For 10 months he got closer and closer. He was so affectionate. Soon he was at my house 3-5 nights a week, and investing in my kids. He was a quickly becoming a cherished and what felt like permanent fixture in all our lives. We had no conflict. At all. And we were so emotionally close. I’m FA but I have a very good handle on it. We were so even keel. And then he just ended it. One Sunday morning just said “I think we can be best friends forever. Nothing needs to change. I’ll still come over. And even stay over, and do movie nights. But I need the opportunity to look for someone to have a family with” Now I realize the ending of intimate relations and the desire to seek the “phantom partner” (which was exactly how it felt - I’m being dumped for someone who doesn’t even exist!!) are all FA signs. But, the tough thing for me is he does continue to reach out. He breaks no contact. He checks in on the kids and me. And does genuinely believe we can be friends for life. And…… I think his chances of finding someone much younger feels slim given his stage of life and dating history. So I just go back and forth wondering if I should remain his friend. What does he actually want? Is fear of intimacy driving this? Does he actually want a wife - in which case I will have to grieve our friendship all over again? Has anyone experienced something similar? Why don't you believe that he wants to start a family of his own? Is that something he could have done with you? Sometimes men get a biological clock ticking too I think. Some later than others. |
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Post by pinklemonade on Oct 14, 2021 1:43:18 GMT
I think I’m answering two at once here:
DA signs:
He behaved in ways that indicated love, right to the very end, but never expressed love. Started with intense intimacy, but made it an intimately distant relationship as time went on. Phantom ex. Intense independence and pride of said independence. Other hurtful deactivation signs that I ignored for awhile.
2. It’s not that I don’t think he wants said relationship.
It’s that given his relationship history I find it unlikely that he will trust enough to settle down in the next 3-4 years. I also think your average 30-year-old will find some of his “older age” quirks a little off putting. Your average “younger woman” has specific things in place for expectation that his lifestyle doesn’t match.
I happen to think he’s fabulous. But many young women may not.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2021 13:08:20 GMT
I think I’m answering two at once here: DA signs: He behaved in ways that indicated love, right to the very end, but never expressed love. Started with intense intimacy, but made it an intimately distant relationship as time went on. Phantom ex. Intense independence and pride of said independence. Other hurtful deactivation signs that I ignored for awhile. 2. It’s not that I don’t think he wants said relationship. It’s that given his relationship history I find it unlikely that he will trust enough to settle down in the next 3-4 years. I also think your average 30-year-old will find some of his “older age” quirks a little off putting. Your average “younger woman” has specific things in place for expectation that his lifestyle doesn’t match. I happen to think he’s fabulous. But many young women may not. I understand. It's impossible to predict whether or not he will find the partner he seeks- several people here have watched their ex move on to serious relationships when it seemed unlikely they could do so. There is often the idea that the patterns will repeat but in actuality, getting inside someone's head enough to objectively understand them and their life trajectory can be very dicey coming from the subjective perspective of being broken up with. It's baffling to see poor partners move on like that but it happens all the time. The worst ex I had and could imagine for anybody found a woman half his age (control issues he exhibited made this very understandable to me, but I was shocked that she saw anything in him!) - they had kids and are still together over a decade later. I've heard it's rough at times but I couldn't care less, as I knew for sure he wasn't the one for me. My point is, there seems to be someone for everyone. I think all you can do here is accept what he has done, and carefully consider whether you think it's fair of him to waltz in and out of your life as he has chosen to do. Would you do what he has done to someone? There seems to be some heavy self interest going on in him- or at least insensitivity to you as a woman. He has proven to be unavailable after moving in a certain direction with you. Honestly, that's not a good harbinger for friendship. There are too many emotions involved and it may make him feel better but would likely just be an open sore for you, as you recover from the sudden breakup. Men who like to keep exes as friends, women also, seem for less concerned about the genuine altruism involved in true friendship and more about keeping things as they like and keeping their own agendas- it's almost never a mutually made decision, they have just yanked the steering wheel and changed the relationship and just hope others will ride along. It's not my thing, you will just have to decide if it's something you welcome in your life or not. Sorry it's gone that way. |
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Post by pinklemonade on Oct 14, 2021 23:05:27 GMT
Thank you. This is exactly where I am. I told someone today that if I ever do choose a friendship with him again, it won't include my kids, unless he plans to commit to me/us. It hurts me for them the most, because I didn't have him in our lives as anything much more than a family friend for the longest time, and then for the last 4 months of the relationship he solidified such a permanence with them.... leaving my daughter especially with another male figure who just wanted to come and go as he pleases.  We will see what happens. I'm still processing the end, much less the future. |
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Post by krolle on Oct 15, 2021 1:34:14 GMT
Thank you. This is exactly where I am. I told someone today that if I ever do choose a friendship with him again, it won't include my kids, unless he plans to commit to me/us. It hurts me for them the most, because I didn't have him in our lives as anything much more than a family friend for the longest time, and then for the last 4 months of the relationship he solidified such a permanence with them.... leaving my daughter especially with another male figure who just wanted to come and go as he pleases. We will see what happens. I'm still processing the end, much less the future. Virtual hugs sent your way. You are amongst supporters here. |
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