|
|
Post by iz42 on Oct 21, 2021 22:14:55 GMT
I'm trying to set boundaries with my ex. He is FA and has almost always been avoidant with me. But now that I have a new boyfriend I think he has been triggered anxious. He has been wanting to see me and talk to me. When I asked for space he got very upset and said he loves me, which is something he says very rarely. Before I met my current boyfriend I gave him plenty of chances to get back together and he basically rejected me - he wanted to be friends with benefits but nothing more. He has a new girlfriend, and sometimes he overshares about his relationship with her, which makes this all the more messy and confusing. I don't see myself ever getting sucked back in after all he put me through and I am very happy with my new boyfriend but I admit this puts me off balance a little bit.
I am trying to figure out reasonable boundaries as I do want to keep in contact with him occasionally. We went through a lot together over a period of 6-7 years and it doesn't feel right to fully cut him out. I don't know what is reasonable though. I feel like occasional friendly contact would be okay, but he has a tendency to push whatever boundaries I set. I also need to consider my current boyfriend's feelings (he's okay with my ex and I having some contact but not a ton). Some will probably say permanent no contact is the only option but that doesn't feel right to me in this situation so I'm trying to sort it out...
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Oct 22, 2021 14:47:22 GMT
I'm trying to set boundaries with my ex. He is FA and has almost always been avoidant with me. But now that I have a new boyfriend I think he has been triggered anxious. He has been wanting to see me and talk to me. When I asked for space he got very upset and said he loves me, which is something he says very rarely. Before I met my current boyfriend I gave him plenty of chances to get back together and he basically rejected me - he wanted to be friends with benefits but nothing more. He has a new girlfriend, and sometimes he overshares about his relationship with her, which makes this all the more messy and confusing. I don't see myself ever getting sucked back in after all he put me through and I am very happy with my new boyfriend but I admit this puts me off balance a little bit. I am trying to figure out reasonable boundaries as I do want to keep in contact with him occasionally. We went through a lot together over a period of 6-7 years and it doesn't feel right to fully cut him out. I don't know what is reasonable though. I feel like occasional friendly contact would be okay, but he has a tendency to push whatever boundaries I set. I also need to consider my current boyfriend's feelings (he's okay with my ex and I having some contact but not a ton). Some will probably say permanent no contact is the only option but that doesn't feel right to me in this situation so I'm trying to sort it out... I would suggest you set a boundary for him that takes all these factors into consideration….remember that a boundary is to protect you but it can be “flexible” based on the individual you are setting it with. In this case,I would suggest you communicate that an every 6 months checkin is fine…but make it clear to him what is entailed in that check in. If he reaches out outside the checkin window, you should have a planned set of steps (starting with a reminder, then a warning etc. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2021 22:20:14 GMT
It does sound messy. Have you tried to figure out why it doesn't feel right to cut contact with someone who is behaving as inappropriately as he is?
You're the phantom ex or something. Is he something to you, that's healthy and somehow good for you?
Nostalgia can be a part of dysfunctional dynamics. Just the fact that he's in a "relationship" but claims to love you, puts you in triangle that hardly sounds good for you, him, his girlfriend, your boyfriend.
I'm curious if it puts a bandaid on something, only because there are a few negatives and it seems kind of like low vibration kind of stuff if you know what I mean.
|
|
|
|
Post by iz42 on Oct 23, 2021 7:29:44 GMT
It does sound messy. Have you tried to figure out why it doesn't feel right to cut contact with someone who is behaving as inappropriately as he is? You're the phantom ex or something. Is he something to you, that's healthy and somehow good for you? Nostalgia can be a part of dysfunctional dynamics. Just the fact that he's in a "relationship" but claims to love you, puts you in triangle that hardly sounds good for you, him, his girlfriend, your boyfriend. I'm curious if it puts a bandaid on something, only because there are a few negatives and it seems kind of like low vibration kind of stuff if you know what I mean. His behavior has been inappropriate and I will need to let him know that. The thing is… there is a lot of support he provides as a friend and he does offer something valuable in my life. I knew it would be hard for him when I got a serious boyfriend and I need to take space while he adjusts. But I would like to try setting boundaries and sticking to them before making a drastic decision about cutting him out of my life. I know he is just struggling with the pain of his own attachment issues, it’s not even really about me. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2021 13:12:09 GMT
It does sound messy. Have you tried to figure out why it doesn't feel right to cut contact with someone who is behaving as inappropriately as he is? You're the phantom ex or something. Is he something to you, that's healthy and somehow good for you? Nostalgia can be a part of dysfunctional dynamics. Just the fact that he's in a "relationship" but claims to love you, puts you in triangle that hardly sounds good for you, him, his girlfriend, your boyfriend. I'm curious if it puts a bandaid on something, only because there are a few negatives and it seems kind of like low vibration kind of stuff if you know what I mean. His behavior has been inappropriate and I will need to let him know that. The thing is… there is a lot of support he provides as a friend and he does offer something valuable in my life. I knew it would be hard for him when I got a serious boyfriend and I need to take space while he adjusts. But I would like to try setting boundaries and sticking to them before making a drastic decision about cutting him out of my life. I know he is just struggling with the pain of his own attachment issues, it’s not even really about me. I get what you're saying, but if he is in contact with you anxiously, saying he loves you, over sharing, etc... don't you think any support ge gives you as a friend is influenced by attachment dysfunction? It would seem that friendship based in healthy boundaries and driven by true friend intentions would be positive... but friendship that occurs with a still attached ex amounts to both of you getting a need met in an unhealthy way via his attachment dysfunction. Is there a way to navigate that with healthy boundaries? I don't know about that. |
|
|
|
Post by iz42 on Oct 23, 2021 17:22:52 GMT
His behavior has been inappropriate and I will need to let him know that. The thing is… there is a lot of support he provides as a friend and he does offer something valuable in my life. I knew it would be hard for him when I got a serious boyfriend and I need to take space while he adjusts. But I would like to try setting boundaries and sticking to them before making a drastic decision about cutting him out of my life. I know he is just struggling with the pain of his own attachment issues, it’s not even really about me. I get what you're saying, but if he is in contact with you anxiously, saying he loves you, over sharing, etc... don't you think any support ge gives you as a friend is influenced by attachment dysfunction? It would seem that friendship based in healthy boundaries and driven by true friend intentions would be positive... but friendship that occurs with a still attached ex amounts to both of you getting a need met in an unhealthy way via his attachment dysfunction. Is there a way to navigate that with healthy boundaries? I don't know about that. The thing is, I don’t think his anxiety will be permanently activated in this situation. If it is then you’re right and I’ll have to cut ties. I think it remains to be seen. So far he has respected my need for space the last few weeks. I would be comfortable with checking in after 6 months as tnr9 suggested. I’m not sure what the problem is with trying out boundaries and seeing whether this can be navigated? |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2021 17:27:23 GMT
I get what you're saying, but if he is in contact with you anxiously, saying he loves you, over sharing, etc... don't you think any support ge gives you as a friend is influenced by attachment dysfunction? It would seem that friendship based in healthy boundaries and driven by true friend intentions would be positive... but friendship that occurs with a still attached ex amounts to both of you getting a need met in an unhealthy way via his attachment dysfunction. Is there a way to navigate that with healthy boundaries? I don't know about that. The thing is, I don’t think his anxiety will be permanently activated in this situation. If it is then you’re right and I’ll have to cut ties. I think it remains to be seen. So far he has respected my need for space the last few weeks. I would be comfortable with checking in after 6 months as tnr9 suggested. I’m not sure what the problem is with trying out boundaries and seeing whether this can be navigated? I feel like you’re taking a fairly harsh position. No, I'm not coming from a harsh place at all. Sorry it seemed so. Just parsing it out with you. Like I said, I'm not sure how to go about it either, but if six months or so check i. sounds good, then try it out. |
|
|
|
Post by iz42 on Oct 23, 2021 17:50:26 GMT
The thing is, I don’t think his anxiety will be permanently activated in this situation. If it is then you’re right and I’ll have to cut ties. I think it remains to be seen. So far he has respected my need for space the last few weeks. I would be comfortable with checking in after 6 months as tnr9 suggested. I’m not sure what the problem is with trying out boundaries and seeing whether this can be navigated? I feel like you’re taking a fairly harsh position. No, I'm not coming from a harsh place at all. Sorry it seemed so. Just parsing it out with you. Like I said, I'm not sure how to go about it either, but if six months or so check i. sounds good, then try it out. Thanks for clarifying. I think you're definitely right that if the friendship is based on attachment dysfunction and/or me being the phantom ex it's not going to work. I guess we'll see. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2021 18:38:16 GMT
No, I'm not coming from a harsh place at all. Sorry it seemed so. Just parsing it out with you. Like I said, I'm not sure how to go about it either, but if six months or so check i. sounds good, then try it out. Thanks for clarifying. I think you're definitely right that if the friendship is based on attachment dysfunction and/or me being the phantom ex it's not going to work. I guess we'll see. You bet. It's hard to know what's the best way when everything we are trying is new. I'm just trying to look at it from a purely objective position, but there are emotional details between the two of you that are there and tie into altruistic intentions I'm sure. The attachment side is what's messy and powerfully confusing. |
|
