Do I have avoidance issues ? | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

Deleted
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Do I have avoidance issues ? Nov 7, 2017 18:47:27 GMT

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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2017 18:47:27 GMT

Hi - I have posted on here a couple of times about my last relationship - with a severely DA man that ended 7 months ago. I felt, like so many of us, that I had finally met someone who I was comfortable with, he and lots of other friends said we were incredibly similar and yet within that relationship I found myself missing real intimacy - it was classic stuff - never said ILU, dates with no advance planning, very secretive about life generally, never met his family.

So I have delved lightly into the world of online dating and I am realising that despite on paper wanting a serious relationship, in reality I feel really scared of this, that someone will come into my life and pressure me to integrate into theirs. I can now see why I put up with the lack of contact from my ex - because I have that need myself and any pressure from a partner really makes me want to run.

I realised in my last relationship that I do want love and affection - and a deep intimate relationship, but with a soft gentle touch - all the online guys who are keen really put me off instantly.

Is there out there somewhere a middle ground - a man who can be independent and loving at the same time and allow me the same? Is this some kind of avoidance?

osemka8
New Member

Posts: 30

Do I have avoidance issues ? Nov 8, 2017 21:32:08 GMT

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Post by osemka8 on Nov 8, 2017 21:32:08 GMT

Hi ocarina,

if you want to read about my relationship with a FA/DA, check my posts. I can relate to a few things you wrote, especially in regard to wanting love but being scared of it at the same time. I think you know this is not a usual behaviour, but it can be worked on. My brief ex had this exact same issue as she wants to have what every couple has. SHE was the one who wanted to be mine, but then backed off when fear won her over. The first sign od being abandoned made her run far and fast, but I only said I didn't like her way of communication, since I was away for 1-2 months. That was a complete shocker as she just ended it with really bizzare reasons.

At the same time I can tell you that those men exist and I count myself as one of them. I am secure who made his way from being quite AP in my teens (28 now). My last relationship stirred some anxiety, but I didn't act on it and just let it go. I am independent, I like my own time and my own hobbies, but at the same time I adore intimacy. I don't count myself as needy and I let the other person have their own life aswell. I like independence, but I also like being dependent.

I don't feel comfortable near AP people. Neither DA. First make their clingyness very repelling, second are emotionally closed and it's just not what I'm into. But in my last case her FA tendencies started to show when I had left and I have already fallen for her. A fast pull and an even faster push.

Last Edit: Nov 8, 2017 21:34:21 GMT by osemka8

leavethelighton
Honored Contributor

Posts: 792

Do I have avoidance issues ? Nov 17, 2017 2:27:20 GMT

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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 17, 2017 2:27:20 GMT

People in online dating sites are probably more likely to be avoidant. However, is it also possible that some part of you is attracted to that and so it isn't that other types of men don't exist but that for some reason they aren't the ones you are putting your time towards?