FA ex sporadic toxic contact

Hi Tnr,

You’re absolutely right! If I blocked him this wouldn’t be happening. I think I guess I can’t shake the feeling he needs something from me that he just can’t express. I question how someone that was loving and sweet could play this game. It’s like he’s trying to remind me that I can’t have him but he ended things with me!

I know this behavior could possibly be categorized as breadcrumbing. It comes with a lot of flirtation and curiosity whether I’m currently seeing someone. It’s really weird to be quite frank and makes me ruminate. I have no idea why he insists I need to find a partner. I have stated I’m dating and have seen people since. I’ve asked numerous times why he has changed from the guy I got to know. It’s only when pressed that he states that his feelings have changed and that I can’t force him to love me. This is fine but then why insist on getting back in touch? When I don’t respond or engage with his messages, he storms off and states that he was only being friendly yet here I am accusing him of being disrespectful and just like that I’m blocked.

Even with casual conversation where I acknowledge where things stand and simply inquire about his life, I still get the silent treatment. It makes no sense to ignore benign questions from someone you contacted yourself.

He is blocked now and I’ve told myself if he truly wants to explain himself, he has my email and contact me there. It would be less disruptive and triggering for me.

findingnona, this sucks! I'm sure it's painful and confusing. But you've taken a passive position in protecting yourself and keeping healthy boundaries here, and are letting him "drive" and decide the terms of the relationship even though he has told you he's not a good person. And you know, after all this time, he doesn't have your best interests at heart.

So here's what I think is going on. He's acting this way because he can. You're still into him. Every time he needs an ego boost, he can rely on you to provide it. You fall right back into a dynamic that makes him feel powerful and wanted and like he can feel big rejecting you. If he didn't LIKE this dynamic, he wouldn't keep reengaging with you. Someone can hope things will be different maybe once or twice, but after the sixth or seventh time of the exact same thing he can't feign that he isn't getting something he wants out of this.

That doesn't mean he wants anything from you besides attention and validation, I'm sorry to say. You see hope in the inconsistency, but that's not what inconsistency means. Inconsistency is a red flag that means there's no solid relationship to be had.

It's good you've blocked him, because doing so is the only real way to step out of the pain. Staying in touch will do nothing but get you more of the same, because he's not looking to change.

There's a few hard truths to note here. You've known him almost 2.5 years now. For 4 months, it was lovely. But you also didn't really know him yet. Many people are on their best behaviors at the beginning. Especially where attachment issues are involved, they don't necessarily show up fully right at the beginning because the budding romantic prospect isn't an established attachment figure yet. And even if they are, the novelty and new relationship energy and attraction very temporarily can overcome the attachment difficulties during the honeymoon period. Once a person "flips," it isn't a matter of they changed and how to get back to who they were. What you see in front of you is who they are and always were, too, probably even moreso than the honeymoon next behavior beginning. Even though it wasn't shared with you yet.

He told you he's not a good person, and he's shown you that, too! He also told you he doesn't want a relationship. So it's time to really listen to him. Anyone who says they're not a good person, well, that means that was true before they met you and it has nothing to do with you. He thinks warning you of that lets him off the hook to keep contacting you. He warned you and told you his intentions (to not have a relationship), so how he acts now to keep you on the hook doesn't matter because in his mind you've kept yourself on the attention hook and he's done nothing wrong. Even more letting himself off the hook: he's even told you to find someone else. But come on, he doesn't really want to lose his access to your validation.

That's where it becomes important to respect yourself if he won't do it. And stop abandoning yourself by subjecting yourself to this pain again and again.

Now that you've blocked him, I'd strongly recommend you look back into your life and see if you had a similar dynamic with anyone else before. Someone unavailable to you who told you they were unavailable but kept popping back up and getting your hopes up for love and connection, possibly followed by constant disappointment. You may have learned that you need to hold on to that connection, and the only way to do so is cling to the old memories of when you fleetingly felt good with them so you can endure the reality of the situation not meeting your needs. Is there any of that you can think of that may have primed you to endure this situation in a similar way while hoping for a change? Maybe to reconcile and heal from that past?