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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 8, 2017 20:23:46 GMT
Classic story. Anxious lady falls in love with sexy, alluring DA man. He always came to my house for dates. We were FWB's. He never let me into his world. We were involved for 18 months. Last Spring he passed genital herpes to me, unknowingly, but hey, this guy is clueless about his own body and didn't notice the sores... I was upset that we couldn't have an adult conversation about the herpes, that he wouldn't go get tested.... Fast forward and things started getting harder and harder. He would reschedule or cancel dates. We only saw one every ten days to two weeks. We would text, a lot. I downloaded our texts from a year and there were 13,000 texts shared.... Last month he totally blew me off on a date day. No response, no rescheduling because he's depressed.... It was the final moment for me. I was done! I am done. I wrote him a text telling him I would like him to treat me better, that I dislike being ignored, but he had nothing to say. Weeks went by. I finally realized that this had run its course and that I needed to write him a goodbye letter. I had held a lot of things back since he always so squirrelly when speaking about emotions. He is the Classic DA, pining for an ex and being in "love" with a fantasy woman who is completely not attainable, while ignoring the beautiful, available woman right in front of him. Me! I asked if he received the letter. He said his dad told him there was a letter for him at his house. Probably it, he said. Yep, I didn't even have an address besides his dads that I found on the internet. I know, I know... I put so much effort and kindness into this letter. I emailed it as well and I am 99% sure he hasn't and won't read it. He was in my life for a year and a half and I finally stood up for myself and my time and he disappears?  I don't know how to give myself closure. I wish he would read the letter. I wish we could have done this in person, but his coldness when I bring up anything emotional is scary. Has anyone found a way to give yourself closure when your ex cannot help? I have two other exes and we were able to come to a close with one another. This is a first for me. I need your help. |
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Post by trevjim on Nov 8, 2017 21:34:06 GMT
Ive an ex who had bordlerline personality disorder, one who left me for an ex, and the most recent one, who is DA.
I know all about lack of closure and what i have come to learn is you just have to let it go, as you will not get closure, and even if you do, it will be of little help.
You are in alot of emotional pain and you are probably thinking that closure will help ease that pain, it wont. You will still be thinking what if's, replaying conversations in your head, thinking if i did this or said that, then perhaps they would be here now.
You did your part, you put the effort into the relationship, they didnt.
A relationship is 100% with each person putting in 50. You put your share in, they didnt, and its not something that should need to be asked.
Heres the only thing you need to understand and its something that helped me move on.......
If someone wants to be with you, they will be.
Thats it. Thats all you need to understand, that is your closure.
Think about past flames in your life, when things were good and you were together.....you were with them at that time because you wanted to be.
This person doesn't want to be with you, otherwise he would be, simple as that. I know it hurts and it really sucks, but you cant control that, and once you understand that, then you can let go.
Time is the biggest healer. The 3 women i mentioned above, each one after breaking up i thought id never get over, never ever. Yet i did. And im making good progess on the current breakup, dispite being horrendously depressed in the first week.
My advice is typical but it works. Give it time, grieve, work out and exercise (this is the biggest help) eat well, keep busy.
It will get better i promise.
And from the sounds of it, you deserve someone better then him.
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Post by onastring on Nov 8, 2017 21:48:58 GMT
Stellar1969 and Trevjim thank you. I am also trying to get closure with a dismissive avoidant who has practically disappeared. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that she won't be around to help, so I on my own. It truly sucks. Your posts have helped me realise I am not alone (neither are you). I am trying to eat well, exercise and allow myself to express the pain I need to express so that I can try to heal but yes, it is probably time that will heal most as you say. Hang in there, I trust it will get better.
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 9, 2017 5:21:10 GMT
Trevjim, I appreciate your input highly. Yes, its simple really. If he doesn't want to be with me, then why would I want to be with him?
I could complicate this by saying that he stayed quiet because DA's are super afraid of rejection and he saw me rejecting him, but on some level, he's been rejecting me this entire time.
My therapist says that I could keep this man in my life forever if I allowed it to be on his terms, being ignored whenever he feels low, telling me about this woman he's so in love with even when I ask him to not speak of her and comparing her to my best friend, which is ridiculous since all this woman does is use him.
That day that I stood up for myself was me telling him I was done with this behavior of his. There really isn't anything more to say to me since I am done and he can't speak emotional words, ever. But it just feels so unsatisfactory. It almost feels like he ended things, but I did.
I didn't know that people like this existed until meeting this man. Its helpful to know women can also be DA's.
I am someone who rarely feels heard by the people closest to me. I am slowly gaining better friendships and letting go of one sided connections, but it is painful and slow going.
I felt more alive in this mans arms than I have ever felt in my life. More than in my ten year marriage or my last major relationship which was 5 years. There was a magic to it, but I was always so anxious, always wondering IF he would show up, IF he would return a text or call when he said he would. Looking back on it all now, I see how crazy it all was....
I need to start trusting that people who love me will let me know and that I don't have to work so hard being a people pleaser....
Its hard to let go of all the good stuff and believe me, there was a lot of good stuff.
Hopefully, someday, I will look back on this and get to enjoy the sweet memories and know that the lessons helped me make better choices.
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ecila
New Member
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Post by ecila on Nov 10, 2017 12:51:31 GMT
Dear stellar1969, I empathize a lot because I also have the tendency to believe that I have to GAIN people trust and respect. Until we will learn to stand up for ourselves, to love ourselves, we are going to attract people that reflect our own opinion of ourselves. I can imagine how hard it is to let go without closure. I had a similar situation, I could not stand that he would just ignore me. After a long email he did not answer, I called and I called and then I forced him to a meeting, waiting in front of his house. It WAS very humiliating, but also helpful because I will always remember the indifference he treated me with and the lies he told me that day. You write "I wish we could have done this in person, but his coldness when I bring up anything emotional is scary."
so if you feel you need a closure, get to meet him and cope with his emotional coldness. If you think this might help you get over him. For me, it did.
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Post by DearLover on Nov 10, 2017 22:40:35 GMT
Dear stellar1969, I empathize a lot because I also have the tendency to believe that I have to GAIN people trust and respect. Until we will learn to stand up for ourselves, to love ourselves, we are going to attract people that reflect our own opinion of ourselves. I can imagine how hard it is to let go without closure. I had a similar situation, I could not stand that he would just ignore me. After a long email he did not answer, I called and I called and then I forced him to a meeting, waiting in front of his house. It WAS very humiliating, but also helpful because I will always remember the indifference he treated me with and the lies he told me that day. You write "I wish we could have done this in person, but his coldness when I bring up anything emotional is scary." so if you feel you need a closure, get to meet him and cope with his emotional coldness. If you think this might help you get over him. For me, it did. You were very brave! Maybe I should do that too, but I suspect it would actually add to my grief and his sense of entitlement. I managed to stop asking the heavens why he is ignoring me. He is ignoring me, that is all I should know. The reasons are his and his only to deal with. I expect that by the end of the month I will be totally cured. I am fed up with him popping into my ind but thank you goodness it has been less and less. Guided mediations are a huge help and life savers. |
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 11, 2017 7:28:13 GMT
Dear stellar1969, I empathize a lot because I also have the tendency to believe that I have to GAIN people trust and respect. Until we will learn to stand up for ourselves, to love ourselves, we are going to attract people that reflect our own opinion of ourselves. I can imagine how hard it is to let go without closure. I had a similar situation, I could not stand that he would just ignore me. After a long email he did not answer, I called and I called and then I forced him to a meeting, waiting in front of his house. It WAS very humiliating, but also helpful because I will always remember the indifference he treated me with and the lies he told me that day. You write "I wish we could have done this in person, but his coldness when I bring up anything emotional is scary." so if you feel you need a closure, get to meet him and cope with his emotional coldness. If you think this might help you get over him. For me, it did. I don't think I could bear seeing his face not light up when he sees me like it always did. You are brave to have forced him into that confrontation. I don't think I could do it, plus...I don't know where he lives. He always came to my house. I do know one place I could find him, but that would be awkward. I am just shocked that he or anyone like this can just ignore, disappear... I was a big part of his life, or he was just a big part of mine??? This is the most confusing relationship I have ever been a part of. |
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Post by valentin3 on Nov 12, 2017 22:27:03 GMT
Hi Stellar1969,
I've recently had a break up from DA. I know I was losing patience myself, we got into a fight and he disappeared for awhile until I texted him and he finally said to break up. We forfeited the whole weekend plan, tickets and what's not and I've not heard from him since. It has been about 1 month.
I am like an avoidant for a couple of years but when I started going out with him my anxiety was triggered, when I did a test it shows I was fearful avoidant which was apparent in early part of the relationship where I pull and push because I was so scare to fall in love again. Anyway, yea, I did not really have a proper closure just like you did, the only difference was I found it so hard to walk away from him until at the end he choose to leave.
Until now, I am not even totally sure what broke us up, for a month or 2 prior to the break some major discussions (with regards to meeting his family and how how official was our relationship) came out and I found him distancing himself. He never quite admit the distancing but it was quite obvious to me. For the 2 years he was loving and always present until the last month. I was dumped through sms which made me really hurt too. Somehow I felt that he could not handle my emotions so he chose to do it this way. I contemplated finding him like what ecila did but I ended up not doing anything about it, because I could bear the humiliation and coldness from someone once so affectionate.
I wrote him an email as well to said my "last goodbye" and got no response. I only knew briefly from some hints in his twitter that he probably had read it. In his twitter it "appears" that he feel pain and sadness from the break up, he also did wrote in the break up sms that I was a great person but he could not meet up to what I need in a relationship. He has since locked up his twitter account.. and the last I've "heard" from him was seeing him view my instagram story.
To make a clean cut, I've also deleted him on all social media now. It is still painful and I go through day to day wishing to share things with him but I hold my heart tightly and persevere because I think that even if I did hurt him in some ways I am unaware of, I definitely have invested alot more in the r/s and did my best. I gave myself the "closure" I need simply by telling myself he is a dismissive avoidant and there is nothing better that I can do.
Meanwhile, I try hard everyday to kick off whatever residue of anxiety I've built up from the relationship. I've got to say it's painful break up but at time I also feel a sense of relief.
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 21, 2017 4:13:31 GMT
Some days I am so thrilled that I was strong enough to make this shift in my life and other days, like today, I feel so down that I have no idea how to deal. I feel crazy for not hearing from him. Tomorrow it will be two months since our last date and I still haven't heard a peep out of him. How does anyone think this is ok? |
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Post by onastring on Nov 25, 2017 9:51:24 GMT
Stellar1969, I hear your pain. You are not alone. I used those words even just yesterday “how can anyone believe this is ok?” “Who behaves like this?”. I’m not sure I have an answer yet but this week I decided that I needed closure, an ending after the disappearing act, so I ended it formally. Like you I feel sometimes strong and proud of myself, and listening to my own values in this situation has helped at least get me to a place where I can feel safer to deal with the emotions, but I’m not sure I will ever “understand” the behaviour. I don’t tick like this, and I suspect I shall just have to accept that I won’t understand.
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Nov 25, 2017 14:26:25 GMT
My ex broke up with me via mail. Of course I did not take this as the end. I showed up at this place, unannounced, and forced the closure talk.
It did not give me any closure. I asked all the WHYs and he answered every question. I was emotionally hyped when we had that talk. Now, I see retrospectively and notice I did not make the right questions, but I do not care anymore. He withdrew emotionally long before the break up and didnt matter how witty I was in my confrontation, I was already out of his heart and mind for him to have second thoughts or the will to save the relationship.
Long story short: sometimes a closure talk will still leave you hanging. Because you still wont understand WHY. His reasons will never make sense, so you can choose to keep hooked and try to understand rationally, or forgive and move on in peace.
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