ecila
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Post by ecila on Nov 9, 2017 10:46:37 GMT
Hi all, I did not find here much discussion about what happens after a break up with a DA: I am facing an odd situation that is causing me lots of emotional stress in a period of my life that is already very stressful for work reasons. I'm 29, he 31, we met at work and dated for 8 months. He showed early on signs of being a DA. I have traits of an anxious preoccupied, although that got much better with therapy in the past few years. It was always clear that I was the one more invested in the relationship, he would not make a mistery of it, but would say that for him things grow with time and patience and he never throws himself head on into a relationship. So that's why I sticked around - although deep down I KNEW many things he did and said were hurting me and they were just not ok. He was less and less present for the last 2 months and eventually broke up, saying he cannot say this is the relationship of his life and cannot give me more. The breakup corresponded to his move to a different city, although he still comes regularly to my institute for some ongoing business. 2 days after he broke up, I find in the postbox a handwritten letter saying how great I am and how much I gave him and that he will always remember our time together with a smile and the deepest affection. And that he leaves it up to me whether I want to talk to him again or just greet him or just have him disappear. I answered to him that I thought the letter was inappropriate, since all I gave him was evidently not enough, and that I was sorry that I couldn't penetrate his walls. But also that life goes on, and that I have no problem greeting or speaking to him obviously, we are adults. A week later, he texts me that he is around at my workplace and that 'he has time'. I replied something like 'so what. I have nothing more to add to our discussion but if you wish to say smth or greet, no problem of course'. No answer. 10 days later, I meet him in the cafeteria, say hello, he comes to me all happy-go-lucky and we do chitchat for 3 mins, then he shyly suggests he has time and we could go for a coffee in the afternoon. Me, caught off guard, I do not show much enthusiasm, but say sure I am here just doing desk work all day and he can find me in the office. He didn't seek me and disappeared again. I am really frustrated. he is keeping me hanging and I DO NOT GET WHY he does this. It's not even a month we broke up, it's too early to be good friends and he knows what I am up to (work being very stressful right now, I am very busy). Even if he is already hundred years away from our relationship, he knows me and knows I was involved and need time to get over him. It seems evil from him. I really do not understand. And sure enough, I DO miss him and a part of me still hopes... Can someone help me figure this out. I've had other DA boyfriends in the past but they were consistent in their actions and would completely disappear after a break up. |
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 9, 2017 14:27:06 GMT
Wow, that is so confusing. Im not sure I have much to add since I have only once had a DA and we just broke up, I did the breaking up and like you said, he has disappeared.
Maybe your guy is FA? DA's don't seem capable of writing a letter after a break up saying how great their partner is, but anything could happen. Maybe if you look at him as an FA it could help?
Just a thought.
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ecila
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Post by ecila on Nov 9, 2017 16:20:06 GMT
I do not think he is FA because there was no verbal display of affection EVER except for that letter. That is why I find the whole thing so confusing. Also he is not a 'bad' person, and he is smart enough to understand that what he is doing is disrespectful. He is a really good person at heart, so I do not know what to think...
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Post by scheme00 on Nov 9, 2017 18:46:18 GMT
This seems spot on from what I've read about with them after reading dozens of stories. It's the classic push and pull. You left and created space and now he's ready to get closer. But he's not going to let you know you're any priority. If I were you I would just walk. I dumped mine 3 weeks ago and ran into her yesterday. Same thing...she was happy go lucky. Not even slightly bothered. I said "hi." I turned and talked to someone else and left. I was shaking in my boots.
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 10, 2017 0:02:20 GMT
I guess this all just goes to show that its hard to generalize anything/anyone.
My fella was super sweet and loving when he was with me and sometimes wanted to text for hours in the evening, even a phone call, on occasion. But he has ignored the letter I sent to him.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 17, 2017 2:40:50 GMT
Maybe he feels guilty about breaking up with you and copes with guilt by trying to be friends? Or he does want some connection, just not as much as in a relationship?
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ecila
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Post by ecila on Nov 22, 2017 10:13:35 GMT
This is something that was told to me by other people as well, yet I do not get it: it was HIM who broke up, and I accepted it, I did not make a scene or anything, we did not end in bad terms. I am suffering like hell but he does not know and I did not do anything at all to make him feel guilty. What is there to feel guilty about? If you're not in love with someone, it's like that and it's nobody's fault, and we were together for 8 months, not 10 years.
And how would being friends release the guilt?
I just don't get it.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2017 5:20:23 GMT
"A week later, he texts me that he is around at my workplace and that 'he has time'. I replied something like 'so what. I have nothing more to add to our discussion but if you wish to say smth or greet, no problem of course'. No answer. 10 days later, I meet him in the cafeteria, say hello, he comes to me all happy-go-lucky and we do chitchat for 3 mins, then he shyly suggests he has time and we could go for a coffee in the afternoon. Me, caught off guard, I do not show much enthusiasm, but say sure I am here just doing desk work all day and he can find me in the office. He didn't seek me and disappeared again."
This is very clear to me as to what has happened. (Of course this is just my opinion). Each time, he reached out to you, it was a negative response from you. When you said "so what, I have nothing more to add", he did not pursue it further. The second time, you did not show "much enthusiasm". For me, as an avoidant, it is VERY VERY difficult to reach out to someone/anyone if you think that person is not happy with you. I can't stress enough how difficult it is. If it not met positively (in some cases with a lot of enthusiasm), I will drop it and forget it. He is trying to reach out, but thinks you have rejected him both times. He is not leaving you hanging.
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Post by pooched on Nov 26, 2017 1:46:17 GMT
"A week later, he texts me that he is around at my workplace and that 'he has time'. I replied something like 'so what. I have nothing more to add to our discussion but if you wish to say smth or greet, no problem of course'. No answer. 10 days later, I meet him in the cafeteria, say hello, he comes to me all happy-go-lucky and we do chitchat for 3 mins, then he shyly suggests he has time and we could go for a coffee in the afternoon. Me, caught off guard, I do not show much enthusiasm, but say sure I am here just doing desk work all day and he can find me in the office. He didn't seek me and disappeared again." This is very clear to me as to what has happened. (Of course this is just my opinion). Each time, he reached out to you, it was a negative response from you. When you said "so what, I have nothing more to add", he did not pursue it further. The second time, you did not show "much enthusiasm". For me, as an avoidant, it is VERY VERY difficult to reach out to someone/anyone if you think that person is not happy with you. I can't stress enough how difficult it is. If it not met positively (in some cases with a lot of enthusiasm), I will drop it and forget it. He is trying to reach out, but thinks you have rejected him both times. He is not leaving you hanging. Thanks for the response Mary. This is exactly what is happening to me now.... We broke up over four months ago and now there is light contact due to common seasonal activities together. I'm told that he's seen with other women, so I suppose he's begun to date again. However, I'm finding that lately, my ex DA is purposely making every effort to ignore me. Yet, yesterday, he made an awkward move to talk to me at a social setting and left abruptly, then he kept to his corner of the room (this is normally not like him). I'm just trying to make sense of his behaviour... my therapist friend says that avoidants do feel emotion, but because they cannot express their emotions, they act out like teenagers.... ie. in my case, the ignoring... the abruptness, the awkwardness. The DA is almost 59... yeesh! |
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ecila
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Post by ecila on Nov 27, 2017 15:42:42 GMT
"A week later, he texts me that he is around at my workplace and that 'he has time'. I replied something like 'so what. I have nothing more to add to our discussion but if you wish to say smth or greet, no problem of course'. No answer. 10 days later, I meet him in the cafeteria, say hello, he comes to me all happy-go-lucky and we do chitchat for 3 mins, then he shyly suggests he has time and we could go for a coffee in the afternoon. Me, caught off guard, I do not show much enthusiasm, but say sure I am here just doing desk work all day and he can find me in the office. He didn't seek me and disappeared again." This is very clear to me as to what has happened. (Of course this is just my opinion). Each time, he reached out to you, it was a negative response from you. When you said "so what, I have nothing more to add", he did not pursue it further. The second time, you did not show "much enthusiasm". For me, as an avoidant, it is VERY VERY difficult to reach out to someone/anyone if you think that person is not happy with you. I can't stress enough how difficult it is. If it not met positively (in some cases with a lot of enthusiasm), I will drop it and forget it. He is trying to reach out, but thinks you have rejected him both times. He is not leaving you hanging. Thanks for your opinion, mary, because in a way this is all I want to hear. But how am I supposed to act on it?? I mean, of course I still want him back, it was him who left and I made it clear that I was really sorry about his decision. I guess now it's 1.5months he left and it is too late anyways he has surely forgot about me. I miss him so much. My life is full and will go on, I am sure, and I will forget, I am sure, I have plenty of hobbies and am very independent. I just would like to sit with him and talk a while, because we were good together. On the same wavelength. It is really that simple. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2017 22:02:50 GMT
Really ask yourself if you actually want him back or if you just miss him? I am sure he hasn't forgotten about you, but I am also sure that if you were to get him back, he would disappear again, hurt you again and you would be dissatisfied. I am not saying this because I think that a relationship with a DA is necessarily doomed, but it takes much, much more work than most people can bear. It seems from your post, you were already dissatisfied by the first 6 months of the relationship.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2017 23:28:14 GMT
Really ask yourself if you actually want him back or if you just miss him? I am sure he hasn't forgotten about you, but I am also sure that if you were to get him back, he would disappear again, hurt you again and you would be dissatisfied. I am not saying this because I think that a relationship with a DA is necessarily doomed, but it takes much, much more work than most people can bear. It seems from your post, you were already dissatisfied by the first 6 months of the relationship. Thank you for sharing your insight. I would appreciate your take on this situation. I am trying to forget and move on but he keeps coming back, though with very limited contact, a couple of messages and a dinner here and there. I do like him a lot, he is a good person deep down, and intellectually, he is a good match. I could sense he is attracted to me, which is why he keeps coming back, and I welcome and enjoy his company just for its own sake, without expectations of rekindling. I am trying hard to get over this brief romance. If there's deep attraction, will that increase the rate of success? He was married and divorced twice, his second wife said he didn't care about her and refused to sleep with him. He then had an affair and that ended the marriage. The affair ended too, probably because he's DA. He was annoyed that his second wife moved in quickly with him. He travels a lot for work, so they didn't see each other as much, even then. He seems aware, he quipped "come here go away" once, when we talked about attachment styles. He professed from the very start that he wants a LDR with a very independent woman who has her own life. We are attracted to each other but his record scares me. Are these major red flags to distance myself further or will a seasoned DA who knows he can't keep this up if he wants to find a girlfriend be more likely to compromise and meet me halfway? |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2017 15:21:36 GMT
Really ask yourself if you actually want him back or if you just miss him? I am sure he hasn't forgotten about you, but I am also sure that if you were to get him back, he would disappear again, hurt you again and you would be dissatisfied. I am not saying this because I think that a relationship with a DA is necessarily doomed, but it takes much, much more work than most people can bear. It seems from your post, you were already dissatisfied by the first 6 months of the relationship. Thank you for sharing your insight. I would appreciate your take on this situation. I am trying to forget and move on but he keeps coming back, though with very limited contact, a couple of messages and a dinner here and there. I do like him a lot, he is a good person deep down, and intellectually, he is a good match. I could sense he is attracted to me, which is why he keeps coming back, and I welcome and enjoy his company just for its own sake, without expectations of rekindling. I am trying hard to get over this brief romance. If there's deep attraction, will that increase the rate of success? He was married and divorced twice, his second wife said he didn't care about her and refused to sleep with him. He then had an affair and that ended the marriage. The affair ended too, probably because he's DA. He was annoyed that his second wife moved in quickly with him. He travels a lot for work, so they didn't see each other as much, even then. He seems aware, he quipped "come here go away" once, when we talked about attachment styles. He professed from the very start that he wants a LDR with a very independent woman who has her own life. We are attracted to each other but his record scares me. Are these major red flags to distance myself further or will a seasoned DA who knows he can't keep this up if he wants to find a girlfriend be more likely to compromise and meet me halfway? I don't know the answers. In my opinion, DAs do not get married unless they have done a lot of work and become more stable. The fact that he has been married twice says to me there is another issue. Possibly he is a mixture or sometimes other issues can seem like avoidance. For a DA, I don't think that deep attraction will help in the long run. What helps is being able to develop some attachment with the person over a long period of time. Will a DA meet you halfway? I doubt it. They may meet you a quarter of the way. Developing attachments with a DA is extremely hard, but possible. It takes a lot of time and patience. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2017 16:36:20 GMT
I don't know the answers. In my opinion, DAs do not get married unless they have done a lot of work and become more stable. The fact that he has been married twice says to me there is another issue. Possibly he is a mixture or sometimes other issues can seem like avoidance. For a DA, I don't think that deep attraction will help in the long run. What helps is being able to develop some attachment with the person over a long period of time. Will a DA meet you halfway? I doubt it. They may meet you a quarter of the way. Developing attachments with a DA is extremely hard, but possible. It takes a lot of time and patience. Thank you so much for replying. He described how his ex wife moved in with him within a few months with annoyance, as if he was caught off-guard and that she claimed to be uninterested in money but wasn't when they divorced. I do think he isn't unsympathetic to her, and he admitted he did wrong by starting the affair. Like you said, it is possible but could be a long marathon with no assured outcome. My own question for myself is why have I grown to like him? This is a high risk relationship... It could come from a place of scarcity - the others I've briefly dated were more successful than he is but I saw in them character flaws that were deal breakers for me. So I think it isn't financial security, but it bothers me that I can't make a logical argument to justify continuing this half-love LD affair with DA....  |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2017 17:29:48 GMT
curious, there are so many things that can create attraction and I don't think it needs justification. Attachment style is only one part of a person. Sure, my partner doesn't like the push/pull, but there are so many other parts of our relationship that are good and keeps him interested. We have fun together, common interests, we learn from each other, we enjoy talking and spending time together. No relationship is perfect and there are never any guarantees, high risk or not. You just have to find the person that you are willing to put up with their issues, because everyone has them.
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