|
|
Post by pagesal on Dec 7, 2017 18:43:19 GMT
mary, what do you think it is about you that allows a relationship to work vs. the avoidants we have dated who are not willing to make the relationship work?
my ex is very proud of his ability to be stubborn for example, so when i tried to help him understand his attachment issues, he would not listen. you seem to be willing to understand yourself and improve things. is this what you believe sets you apart from the others?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2017 16:24:30 GMT
mary, what do you think it is about you that allows a relationship to work vs. the avoidants we have dated who are not willing to make the relationship work? my ex is very proud of his ability to be stubborn for example, so when i tried to help him understand his attachment issues, he would not listen. you seem to be willing to understand yourself and improve things. is this what you believe sets you apart from the others? I had to come to the realization on my own. I don't know if I would have listened if someone told me I was avoidant, because no one ever did. However, I did tell a good friend that she was FA and she researched it and agreed with me that she was. However, it has not changed how she acts. I think with many issues that people have (not just being avoidant), they have to come to their own realization of it before anything can change. You can tell an alcoholic many times they are an alcoholic, but most likely won't do anything about it until they hit their own breaking point. I have told people I have dated they are too anxious and they don't understand or change either. When I did realize I had an issue (I didn't know what it was, but I knew the common denominator was me), I sought therapy and it helped me a lot. Therapy didn't change me, but it helped me understand why I do what I do. From there, I can at least be aware and try to fight it. I am still avoidant, but now I see what I do and after the fact, assess my actions or think about them before I do something. I don't think avoidants are unwilling to make a relationship work. They don't know how to make it work. It's so ingrained that it changes your perception and perception is everything. The perception of an avoidant will be very different form someone who's anxious. The truth is somewhere in between. |
|
|
|
Post by pagesal on Dec 8, 2017 21:31:33 GMT
mary, that helps a lot. i always thought that had i been the one to bring the avoidant topic up to my ex, that he would hear me out and want to change. but you are right. He will have to want to change for himself. I really like what you said about therapy versus working on yourself by assessing your actions. i do something similar to this, but i am on the anxious side, and it seems to be helping a lot. good luck to you and thank you for taking time out of your days to post here. i learn so much more by communicating with other avoidants.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2017 16:22:41 GMT
pagesal, I'm glad things are improving for you. I know how difficult it is to change. I hope you find a partner that is worthy of you.
Hopefully, I didn't derail this thread too much. It's a good discussion.
|
|
|
|
Post by 1wthlyf on Dec 16, 2017 13:34:14 GMT
When I did realize I had an issue (I didn't know what it was, but I knew the common denominator was me), I sought therapy and it helped me a lot. Therapy didn't change me, but it helped me understand why I do what I do. From there, I can at least be aware and try to fight it. I am still avoidant, but now I see what I do and after the fact, assess my actions or think about them before I do something. This sentence resonates a lot with me. I've been in therapy for about half of the last 30 years, and it is all about understanding, at the very least. Some of the behaviors are hard-wired, but understanding the whys and wherefores is very helpful, still. |
|
