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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2021 2:36:55 GMT
This (below) is a quote from the healing DA thread. This is completely true of me, but I'm wondering how does this differ from the AP anticipation/fear of abandonment? I get that "insecure is insecure" - but is it simply that DA respond to this expectation by withdrawing and bolstering their independence, and AP respond by trying to get reassurance? Or does anyone, by reading this, recognize a distinction from the AP experience?  |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 25, 2021 5:23:49 GMT
This (below) is a quote from the healing DA thread. This is completely true of me, but I'm wondering how does this differ from the AP anticipation/fear of abandonment? I get that "insecure is insecure" - but is it simply that DA respond to this expectation by withdrawing and bolstering their independence, and AP respond by trying to get reassurance? Or does anyone, by reading this, recognize a distinction from the AP experience? <button disabled="" class="c-attachment-insert--linked o-btn--sm">Attachment Deleted</button> So...the “partner” in the quoted lines…is the DA correct? I just want to make sure I have the context correct before responding.🙂 |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 25, 2021 5:41:17 GMT
One other quick question….by neglect…does that equate to engulfment? Ie…the parent’s needs taking priority over the child’s needs…which is distinct from abandonment.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2021 5:48:20 GMT
This (below) is a quote from the healing DA thread. This is completely true of me, but I'm wondering how does this differ from the AP anticipation/fear of abandonment? I get that "insecure is insecure" - but is it simply that DA respond to this expectation by withdrawing and bolstering their independence, and AP respond by trying to get reassurance? Or does anyone, by reading this, recognize a distinction from the AP experience? <button disabled="" class="c-attachment-insert--linked o-btn--sm">Attachment Deleted</button> So...the “partner” in the quoted lines…is the DA correct? I just want to make sure I have the context correct before responding.🙂 correct |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2021 5:55:54 GMT
One other quick question….by neglect…does that equate to engulfment? Ie…the parent’s needs taking priority over the child’s needs…which is distinct from abandonment. No, neglect refers to neglect. For instance, I have been neglected by partners who were self absorbed and tending to themselves while expecting me to accommodate them. I anticipate this from partners, it's also what I experienced in my home. It was abandonment, and DA do get abandonment wounds triggered. There is a persistent belief that a partner will neglect in familiar ways, as stated in the quote, which is why I found it to be accurate. DA do not merely fear engulfment. They expect to not matter too much. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 25, 2021 15:26:02 GMT
One other quick question….by neglect…does that equate to engulfment? Ie…the parent’s needs taking priority over the child’s needs…which is distinct from abandonment. No, neglect refers to neglect. For instance, I have been neglected by partners who were self absorbed and tending to themselves while expecting me to accommodate them. I anticipate this from partners, it's also what I experienced in my home. It was abandonment, and DA do get abandonment wounds triggered. There is a persistent belief that a partner will neglect in familiar ways, as stated in the quote, which is why I found it to be accurate. DA do not merely fear engulfment. They expect to not matter too much. Thank you for clarifying. the dialogue for the AP runs along the lines of expecting to be abandoned. The AP expects to be “abandoned”…if not physically, then emotionally.so the AP dialogue is a need for the partner to provide reassurance…not just that everything is ok…but that the partner does not intend to leave. It is a constant tape….leading to extreme vigilance and looking for “signs” from the partner’s actions and words. Something as ordinary as not responding immediately to a text can lead an AP partner down a rabbit hole of fear that something is wrong. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 25, 2021 15:33:43 GMT
Also…a huge distinction between DA and AP is self care/self protection….that is not developed in an AP because the focus is “other”….what do I need to do in order to keep my partner? What do I need to do in order to get my needs met from x”? and the other dialogue is “why is he/she doing x”. Literally looking at every action and word through a magnifying glass…and then tying it back to self. “He must not be responding because of something about me”. Believe me…this is exhausting for an AP….but is fed by an overactive nervous system that is sending a threat alarm all the time. So while a DA developed an independent mindset…..an AP developed a dependent mindset…which is often a co dependent mindset based on the partner chosen. There is nothing so attractive to an AP as an avoidant leaning FA. That pairing I think is far more prevelant then the DA/AP pairing…because of the fact that the FA will oftentimes come back…but there is also a bit of a kindred spirit because of the APish behaviors that can sometimes be displayed.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2021 16:19:44 GMT
I guess the main difference here is when a bid for connection isn't met for a DA, if they wanted connection, they say "yeah I figured, go away, I'm better off not relying on you." and AP do the opposite, "Come here, I need you". Both feel the sting but respond differently.
Over the long term, we both expect to get let down, unsurprisingly.
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