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Post by alexandrasandra on Nov 25, 2021 10:12:15 GMT
Hello everyone,
I am a bit confused about the difference between DA and FA, and how to determine which one my ex was.
We were only together for a few months. He pursued me, was messaging me every single day, even if I didn't always reply he would message again. He was the one to ask me out on our dates (apart from a date for his birthday which I planned and intiated).
- He is 32 and told me he has only had 1 relationship when he was much younger. He said she didn't know anything about him and it was great
- He has never been in love
- He said it takes him ages to get to know someone, to trust, to open up
- He broke up with me because he said that he can't emotionally or physically connect. That he can't give me what I need which is stability and openness
- He told me that he has issues that he doesnt want to burden me with, things that he hasn't told me that he needs to work through and that he is complicated
- I noticed that he rarely gave me compliments, he hated me asking any kind of personal question to try and get to know him more. Whenever I said something affectionate he just would ignore it
- He was very cold when he broke up with me, no apology or empathy about my feelings. It felt a bit like he was testing me for compliments by telling me that I won't miss him, that I will move on and meet someone better, even though I was telling him how much I like him and I will miss talking to him
- He told me to still text him if I want and he still wanted to speak with me. I told him I need time and space to "get over" him
It just felt like even though he was pushing me away and breaking up with me, he sounded very cold, but he looked upset. I couldn't tell if it was some sort of test to see if I would fight for him. I have no idea. It has only been 3 days but I haven't heard from him. I don't think I will
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Post by alexandrasandra on Nov 25, 2021 10:16:15 GMT
Oh and everything was going really well, and things started to change (I feel) after his birthday.
For his birthday we went out for dinner, I made him a cake, and i got him a card and few funny presents with all our inside jokes.
He stayed the night and we cuddled all night. After that, he went away to see his family for a few weeks, and I noticed that the communication just started to decrease and he became less affectionate and was talking to me like a friend.
I mentioned to him that he seemed a bit distant, he said nothing had changed, he was just busy. So I was like that's fine, I understand, and I didn't push it at all. I gave him his space and I just let him reach out to me, and I didn't text him or pressure him at all to talk.
When he got back, I still felt something was off. And this is when he said he didn't want a relationship
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Post by krolle on Nov 25, 2021 18:36:22 GMT
Welcome to the insane rabbit hole of insecure dating. You are amongst friends here.
We have all been on one or both sides of what you are describing, often on more than one occasion.
It's hard to say if DA or FA based on the information you have provided. But certainly some version of avoidance.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 25, 2021 19:09:14 GMT
Honestly…he sounds more FA because he is leaving the door open for communication. I have not read about that as much for DA attachment. However, I would caution from trying to go down the rabbit hole of his attachment (which you have no influence over) and instead..use these boards as an opportunity to explore your own attachment style and what you may want to change going forward. Welcome.
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dexter
Junior Member
Posts: 98
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Post by dexter on Nov 26, 2021 14:20:17 GMT
Hi alexandrasandra
As a full-blown AP, which is an effect of over 3 years push&pull dynamics with an FA, I empathize with you so much. tnr9 gave you very good advice, going down into the rabbit hole of this sick dynamic will be hell you do not imagine now. And with every cycle it will be harded to escape from it.
So, why you need to "diagnose" him? Ask yourself honestly.
But I will try to answer your question from your perspective. My (now) ex is an FA. She was VERY intense at the beggining, which I didn't experienced before in my 20 years of relationships history. Sometimes I felt even overwhelmed by her attention, commitment and moving forward that fast. Moving in together, than withdrawal. First brake up, me going into no contact, than her reaching me out very fast (even days). Reaching out was very subtle, but always led to reconciliation. Hot and cold dynamics was very intense and could change on even a weekly basis.
So, in my own perspective two primary traits: intensity and commitment in the beggining, and always reaching me out with her feelings changing towards me very fast dependent on my availability or feeling that she won't see me again.
Remember, the avoidance and anxiety are a spectrum, every insecure person is different, and there are more personality traits than those related to attachment.
You can "learn your avoidant", but...you really want to?
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Post by Hypatia on Nov 26, 2021 16:37:23 GMT
Hi alexandrasandra As a full-blown AP, which is an effect of over 3 years push&pull dynamics with an FA, I empathize with you so much. tnr9 gave you very good advice, going down into the rabbit hole of this sick dynamic will be hell you do not imagine now. And with every cycle it will be harded to escape from it. So, why you need to "diagnose" him? Ask yourself honestly. But I will try to answer your question from your perspective. My (now) ex is an FA. She was VERY intense at the beggining, which I didn't experienced before in my 20 years of relationships history. Sometimes I felt even overwhelmed by her attention, commitment and moving forward that fast. Moving in together, than withdrawal. First brake up, me going into no contact, than her reaching me out very fast (even days). Reaching out was very subtle, but always led to reconciliation. Hot and cold dynamics was very intense and could change on even a weekly basis. So, in my own perspective two primary traits: intensity and commitment in the beggining, and always reaching me out with her feelings changing towards me very fast dependent on my availability or feeling that she won't see me again. Remember, the avoidance and anxiety are a spectrum, every insecure person is different, and there are more personality traits than those related to attachment. You can "learn your avoidant", but...you really want to? Wow that sounds like my ex! He chased and pursued and was charming and complimentary and had me meet his parents, etc...moved in together and two months in he imploded. Told me all these things he was angry about that he never once mentioned in the “great life” we had together. Then he left, refused to try to work on anything, blocked me and walked out on the life we had started building. It felt like getting shot in the kneecaps. |
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Post by Hypatia on Nov 26, 2021 16:38:28 GMT
Hello everyone, I am a bit confused about the difference between DA and FA, and how to determine which one my ex was. We were only together for a few months. He pursued me, was messaging me every single day, even if I didn't always reply he would message again. He was the one to ask me out on our dates (apart from a date for his birthday which I planned and intiated). - He is 32 and told me he has only had 1 relationship when he was much younger. He said she didn't know anything about him and it was great - He has never been in love - He said it takes him ages to get to know someone, to trust, to open up - He broke up with me because he said that he can't emotionally or physically connect. That he can't give me what I need which is stability and openness - He told me that he has issues that he doesnt want to burden me with, things that he hasn't told me that he needs to work through and that he is complicated - I noticed that he rarely gave me compliments, he hated me asking any kind of personal question to try and get to know him more. Whenever I said something affectionate he just would ignore it - He was very cold when he broke up with me, no apology or empathy about my feelings. It felt a bit like he was testing me for compliments by telling me that I won't miss him, that I will move on and meet someone better, even though I was telling him how much I like him and I will miss talking to him - He told me to still text him if I want and he still wanted to speak with me. I told him I need time and space to "get over" him It just felt like even though he was pushing me away and breaking up with me, he sounded very cold, but he looked upset. I couldn't tell if it was some sort of test to see if I would fight for him. I have no idea. It has only been 3 days but I haven't heard from him. I don't think I will When my ex left me, he was angry and hostile but his eyes were red and he couldn’t look me directly in the eyes and was fidgeting around. I know he hurt. Still left me though. I wish I could understand it. |
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dexter
Junior Member
Posts: 98
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Post by dexter on Nov 26, 2021 18:01:17 GMT
I've seen it before as well. That instant flip to a cold, distant, selfish (as I've recognized before being aware of att theory) was very shocking and left me very confused. It is the avoidant defense mechanism, they disconnect from their feelings to protect themselves. And in my experience, anger towards me was very helpful for her, maybe it distracted her from other feelings. I don't know really. For suer her anger was a result of our fight that we had before break up. But that fight was something that we really could geto over with in a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, my FA (and most of them as I read) had a habit of holding multiple grudges silently, and than imploding into break up. As far as I know, DA's feel a relief after brake up, rationalize, shuts down completely and repel their feelings for even a few months, sometimes forever. My ex do not experience relief. When I stop pursuing her and withdraw resign, especially when going to no contact to protect myself and heal, she starts to grieve, miss me, raise doubts about her feelings. And she reaches out. And yep, welcome to hell. Short periods of honeymoons are not worth it. There is little to no hope of happy relationship between you. Even when your ex would be FULLY aware of attachment theory and REALLY will be commited to self-growth, it won't be that easy. You are aware of your attachment style? At the moment disturbances in force tells me you act bit like an anxious preocuppied  anxious&avoidant dynamics really sucks, and I know there is so much chemistry inside. but it's so unhealthy. |
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anxious&avoidant dynamics really sucks, and I know there is so much chemistry inside. but it's so unhealthy.