Update 2 months and a half post breakup. FA OR AP ? | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

KAI
Junior Member

Posts: 61

Update 2 months and a half post breakup. FA OR AP ? Dec 5, 2021 7:53:59 GMT

Quote

Post by KAI on Dec 5, 2021 7:53:59 GMT

Hello,

i've been broken up with 2 months and a half ago. I've been explaining my story here (holy venting

). But to sum it up, it was a short term thing (6 months), but we were quite serious about it. She was very anxious and almost needy in the beginning, also very sexual, but the last month she started to get really depressed about exterior context, and she withdrew sex (too depressed), although she used to be very attracted to me, but as it's a clear symptom of depression, i tried to not be too affected by it and respect her lack of sex drive (of course). I've done everything i could to support her emotionnally in that moment. Maybe a little too much. I gave a lot of time and energy (i'm a people pleaser which i need to work on), and the moment i had a little weakness and cried, one night she left me. Was very emotional doing so, and as she just told me 10 days before th BU she loved me, i thought she would miss me too much to let me go.

Official reasons for the BU were = i need to figure out about my chronical depressions.

There were times during the relationship when she would act "weird", like suddenly needind some time alone or there was one time she could'nt stand being cuddled after sex, and she end up leaving almost angry at me.

Her behaviour made me suspect she might be FA (she began pushing me away after the classic 4 days of spending time with her on an extended weekend and we both said we were falling in love), but on the forum, you were more inclined on her being AP

After the BU i let her be, respected her decision she made to work on herself on her own and was quite proud of her to have the courage to do so.

Yet she would be in frequent contact and a lot of times flirty and reminding things we shared as a couple. I only responded, tried to keep it light and not too pushy, but i was clearly still in love. I was waiting on her to make a bigger move. In the meantime, i had a very quick thing with another woman, we went on a date twice, it didn't work out, and i've decided to quit dating for a while and concentrate on myself and my art.

My ex is younger, 29, and i'm 46. She's also an artist and when we were together, i managed to book her on an event that was to take place on the 23rd of november. 2 months after our breakup. About 3 weeks prior to the event, her communication totally changed. She stopped being flirty or even communicating. I let her be. Didn't initiate contact too much

I was expecting the event and was really happy to see her again IRL (the event was taking place in the city where i live, and we don't live in the same city) as we hadn't see each other in 1 month and a half, but 2 days before the gig, she contacted me saying her grandmother just died, her mother would be there at the concert, and also N, who she began dating "not long ago", and for all those reasons, she would rather i didn't come. That was a shock as I ORGANISED THE EVENT so to speak. The death of her grandmother + the presence of her mother were just an excuse to me, and the real reason was she did'nt want be in the same place with her ex and that new relation. But i found it so rude, and cruel. I got heartbroken again. For 2 months i had pictured her as this fragile thing, courageous enough, mature enough to confront her problems but ... nope she was just dating s.o else. I even began to suspect, they had this thing prior to the BU although she told me she was not leaving me for s.o else.

For the record, that guy was a friend of hers, and she mentionned him being attracted to her while we were together, but she said she was not interested at all at the time. During the 2 months we didn't see each other, i saw they went on a trip in Berlin (on instagram), which we were supposed to go together. I was not worried, as he was "just a friend". My bet is they started dating 1 month or so after our breakup (when she ceased flirting with me by text i guess)

I told her it was really rude to prevent me going to an event i kind of organised no matter the circumstances, but she would'nt even apologize and kept serving her state (feeling fragile) and her pain as excuses. Of course i did'nt go

Right after she told me about it, that guy was all over her instagram + she posted very happy pictures of her doing the gig, and walking along the streets of Paris with that guy and her sister (because of course she introduced them to her sister, which she never did with me in 6 months of relationship). She did'nt even propose an alternate meeting to catch up while she was in town. She seems to have flipped a switch as soon as she had this thing beginning with the new guy. I know we are not together anymore, and she is free to date whoever she wants, but i think it's highly disrespectul and selfish to not even have let me this last thing.

Now my question is : do you still think she is AP ? She was really all over me during our time together, and now she is colder than ice, and the empathy i liked so much about her seems to have vanished as well. I don't understand that change of behaviour. Even if she is not in love anymore, why does she have to disrespect me like that ? I don't want to generalize but could this be related to her being FA ? (also, weirdly enough, a few days ago she shared one of my stories tagging me in it (a random story, i really didn't understand why she did that except to kind of keep some kind of very thin link or maybe it is a cheap way of keeping me around).

ANY INSIGHT WELCOME

K

ps = of course, it makes me want to push forward my moving on, i stopped watching her stories and am trying to distance myself as much as i can. Yet, i'm still wondering.

Last Edit: Dec 5, 2021 8:08:07 GMT by KAI: clarity

alexandra
Platinum Member

Posts: 2,916

Update 2 months and a half post breakup. FA OR AP ? Dec 5, 2021 10:18:19 GMT via mobile KAI likes this

Quote

Post by alexandra on Dec 5, 2021 10:18:19 GMT

Hm, I don't think people were saying she was AP last time. They were saying she was anxious leaning FA triggered anxious at the time, and engaging in protest behavior. But regardless... the truth is that it doesn't matter. What she did was scared and crappy. You can't blame everything on an attachment style. I know lovely people with insecure attachment styles, and I know garbage people as well who are going to act selfishly no matter what. Attachment styles can help you understand if someone is emotionally available, but past that, they are for you to see and eventually break your own patterns.

I'm sorry this happened, though. You have every right to be mad she uninvited you to your own event. Use it to write her off as she's showing you who she really is now. I agree that some people are only nice when they want or need someone but are not nice to everyone, and they may be very sweet to a significant other and then just done with showing respect after a break up. This says way more about them than you, and says you don't need to give them the headspace.

Takeaway is, she's both insecure AND a jerk, and trying to understand it further as is specific to her won't help you move forward.

KAI
Junior Member

Posts: 61

Update 2 months and a half post breakup. FA OR AP ? Dec 5, 2021 12:29:30 GMT

Quote

Post by KAI on Dec 5, 2021 12:29:30 GMT

Yes, thank you Alexandra

i will, i felt betrayed as to how i considered her prior to that event, and yes it tells me i thought i fell in love with a certain someone but did'nt have the whole picture. I do now. It's not as pretty as i thought. I thought maybe it was another protest behaviour, or a way of pushing me away. But she did'nt do anything to apologize or make it up to me so far, it's been 2 weeks. She just thinks to consider it totally normal that i should still attend to her emotional well-being even though we're not together anymore.

She was ruthless as opposed to having been the sweetest during our time together. It made me want to understand, and .. attachment styles was appealing. I don't know what makes her act like that, but i pity the poor guy, he is probably a rebound, she just took the 1st guy around, and i can only wish him good luck because she won't hesitate in getting rid of him when the time comes..

As for me, i'm done.

There is a 3rd event i helped her to get in. It's very well paid but it implies we spend 5 days working together and preparing something for the event with other artists.. She was very enthusiastic about it until 1 month ago, we haven't talked about it since before she stabbed me in the back, and she seems to have no idea that her attitude makes it impossible for this thing to take place. I've started to take action so that she will be replaced by another artist. I don't have any scruples now.

Thanks for reminding me that there is a difference between the person and their attachment style. Trauma can't be an excuse for everything

Last Edit: Dec 5, 2021 12:38:52 GMT by KAI

krolle
Senior Member

Posts: 497

Update 2 months and a half post breakup. FA OR AP ? Dec 7, 2021 17:25:49 GMT via mobile

Quote

Post by krolle on Dec 7, 2021 17:25:49 GMT

You are definately better off without her bud.

This is very selfish behaviour. Attachment styles play a role. But there is also a cocktail of other human psychology that goes into making a person's behaviour.

I have done some very crappy behaviours before. And it took years to even know I was doing anything wrong. It's like certain types of trauma groeing up shut down your ability to empathize. Create selfish behaviours which you justify with avoidance and the "woe is me" attitude"

I was raised in a very "every man for himself" type family. Where it was either enmeshed control or complete dismissal. And that made me think of human relationships in a very selfish way.

This is not a justification. Only that I know you can do better.

Also I have put forward the argument that age matters when it comes to relationships. Which has been soundly discredited by wiser souls than me. But I do think that dating soneone in their 20's brings a higher risk of insecure relating. I'm not saying older people are always more secure, or a younger person is not capable of being secure. Only that the pattern I have seen is that it takes some people until about the age of 30 to develop a more mature sense of compassion and empathy.

Also I think as life events accumulate healthy relating becomes more valuable. When you're 25 life seems to last forever, if you're lucky you haven't experienced much in the way of death, divorce, illness etc. Fun and experience are the name of the game. As you get older and the worries and goals change, a stable partner seems more appealing. Plus you have usually experienced more personal trauma by this point to empathize with others going through the same.

This is of course broad generalization. Not a hard and fast rule

Last Edit: Dec 7, 2021 17:28:00 GMT by krolle