I thought I was healing...

I tried to make it "safe" for him to talk to me, at the end though I can definitely see he didn't feel safe, and that I did contribute to that, but I als believe that is not 100% on me. At times I would bring things up because I could tell there was something brewing and sometimes he was relived and would talk, other times he would get defensive and say nothing was wrong. Then later he would come back and say ... "yeah actually". He kept saying he wasn't used to talking about things, and it took him a long time to figure out his feelings.  That he has no close friends, and his family don't communicate how I do. He made a point of telling people how I was an amazing communicator.  I am hyper aware BPD's being very toxic and I try hard to not be like that anymore. No yelling, no swearing, no threatening to breakup. (I have never self harmed or even desired to) That I need to ask for clarification if someone does thing I perceive as hurtful.  I really wished he had asked me what BPD was like for me, I gave him a few opportunities because googling it you can get the worse cases, and he just said he was okay. 

I am ashamed I did say some pretty mean things a few times like "I am not your mother" or "you are so immature, even children know not to touch others how they don't want to be touched".  I remember one fight about the tickling I yelled "BOUNDARIES DO NOT NEED TO BE JUSTIFIED TO BE VALID" every time he tried to open his mouth or argue with me.

One time he lost his erection, and said it was my fault because I wasn't flexible enough. It hurt, but I was very supportive about his ED and how hard it must be but he kept saying it wasn't his ED, and it had nothing to do with him.  It took him over a week before he apologized.  

I am very aware of being very sensitive, so I like to take time to calm down before I approach things. Many times after a little bit I don't even need to bring it up anymore or I just mention it but don't need a giant discussion about it. He didn't like this because then he couldn't remember what happened and he wanted me to bring it up at the moment it happened. Now that I reflect on this, I think this need to "remember what happened" was due to his need to be right.  If he couldn't remember in detail what happened then he couldn't prove he was right. He admitted he felt that if he just presented a logical enough argument that people would have to see his side of things. 

I was definitely critical to an extreme about his defensiveness, I said on more then one occasion I was having a hard time dealing with it. The main thing making me upset wasn't even that he was violating boundaries. People do that by mistake. It was that everytime he did he would get defensive. Then upset that he hurt me and then finally he would apologize. I get that in all partnerships sometimes you have to put your own feelings aside but it very much felt like I was the one who had to keep doing it to repair things. I know I was FAR too demanding of him going to counselling. I was pretty bad about not letting him withdrawal. He was not stonewalling me on purpose, he just didn't know what to do with me crying.  I was pretty blind to how I was contributing to his defensiveness and our dynamic. And that the only person I can control is myself. 

I actually never stopped bringing things up. Having been in a controlling relationship for so long I told myself I would never silence myself again. I also felt very secure that we would always work things out and that conflict isn't unhealthy. It's how you handle it.  I think in this situation though that because I wouldn't back down, by the time he swore at me, I was so de-regulated I had no hope in hell of having a productive conversation, and he didn't have the skills or tools to know where to even start. 

edit: I wished I had provided him more positive reinforcement about the things he was getting right, because when I did he would just light up.  I also should have been far more constructive about what I needed and what he could do instead of just focusing on how defensive he was.  I have since learned what I need to restore trust and that when he kept saying he was trying to change that it would have been far more constructive to come up with a plan together. But I think no matter what I did, since he can't show up for himself it wouldn't have worked out. We could have ended up married and him extremely resentful of me. My counselor was very concerned that with his history of pushing my boundaries then not accepting responsibility his behavior would have escalated.

Thank you for the insight. I agree I have a writing style that conveys a certain energy. It's something I've pondered quite a bit. I'm sorry if reading my post brought up negative feelings about dealing with BPD in the past.

I have a heard time with the BPD label. I have had two friends with BPD and their behavior was on the extreme end so I get a bit defensive. I don't want to be judged by it. I try so hard, so from my point of view, I don't do the crazy things BPD is known for. It also ties into my core wound of I'm broken beyond repair. Having a PD is for life.

Remembering things differently isn't necessarily a BPD thing. It's about the feelings and meaning someone has attached to an event. Though I'm aware we tend to jump to the worse. My counselor is worried that because I don't trust my own judgement, I am often too forgiving of people.

I'm sure if he was sharing, he would say he made some mistakes and my reaction was completely out of line with what he did.

In order to not keep the attachment alive I need to remember all the things he did that didn't work for me. But I do try to hold onto that he loved me, and helped me grow in so many ways. I will always love him and be thankful for our time together.

Are you and his friend on terms where you guys message each other randomly?

And in terms of the difficulty reaching out for your dvd then yes I would agree with what you said. Part of it is that it respresents a final break, and partly that its just a really painful thing to deal with reaching out to an ex after a painful break up when emotions are still raw. Your brain is designed to avoid pain so its natural it would be difficult.