|
|
Post by cherrycola on Dec 13, 2021 4:20:30 GMT
I have been skimming this forum the last few weeks and I see how amazing you all are so I thought maybe I would look here for some support but also some tough love. I am very much still in my AP element so I wrote a novel.
I (30F) FA just (7 weeks ago) had my relationship with a 38(M) FA end VERY suddenly and now my self-esteem is in tatters. For some background, My mom and dad had mental illness. A few years ago I ended a 12 year relationship with a controlling AP. I learned about attachment theory and began doing a lot of work on myself. I had a terrible situationship that revealed I needed to work on my boundaries and build up my own life, so I gave up dating. Saw a psychologist who said I had BPD along with a number of other things. With a caveat that I do not currently meet the BPD diagnosis but in my 20s I would have. My current counselor is trauma informed and does not believe I have BPD, she thinks it is CPTSD.
I met D this March through Facebook and he pursued me. He wasn't my type, but I saw this as good since I am only attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I tried really hard to take things slow, be observant, take my time. He was coming on hard at first, I asked to slow it down, he was thankful. It took a bit but the attraction on my end grew, though I was very much in my DA element and finding reasons he was "flawed". I listed to my gut, he always made me feel so calm and soothed that I felt it was a good thing. He was a bit anxious that he had only had 3 three month relationships and all three of them had pursued him. (red flag #1) We progressed pretty normally, he wanted to have me be part of his life and this was so exciting and nice after everything I can been through. He truly considered me and what I needed. In turn I was trying to practice open and honest communication. Asking questions instead of story telling, etc. But it always felt like he only half communicated things, like the rest was just "obvious". We talked about attachment and he took the personality.net one. He is DA with his mother (redflag #2) and FA in general. He seemed to feel a responsibility to "fix" his mothers issues when she would call him (red flag #3) He seemed really into self improvement, stating his mom had extreme anxiety and he didn't want to be like her. I was reading "why am I afraid to tell you who I am" and he wanted to read it and talk to me about it. I was so enthused to be dating someone who checked all my boxes and seemed to want to grow with me.
We got along great day to day. I would check in and ask him if he needed to change anything about the relationship, but he often didn't know what he needed and said everything was fine.(red flag #4). He told me he had me on a pedestal (red flag #5). I asked him to take me down but he just said I was so amazing.
Once we became committed there were some issues with him violating my physical boundaries (neon flag). He always had a hard time apologizing, got defensive, questioned the validity of my boundaries, etc etc. But he was always open to talking about it multiple times and working through until we resolved it. For my part I never pulled away, I reassured him I loved him and was just upset and it would be okay, we would figure it out. Eventually I re-regulated, put my own hurt feelings aside, and was able to get to his feelings and we would come to an understanding. Though I started to get resentful that it always had to be me, I accepted he didn't have a lot of experience with this.
At 7 months he swore at me in front of my sister. Due to the previous boundary issues I asked if he would consider counselling, he said yes, then back-peddled a few weeks later then we agreed to work through some relationship books instead then out of nowhere he said it was my fault he swore at me. This triggered me, and I became extremely dysregulated (I didn't see it at the time) I went over to his house for dinner, he was busy with his coworkers on a non-work video chat. we exchanged some texts, I waited a bit, got annoyed, and walked out. He texted me he was "gutted" that I left, he had seen me leave, but made no effort to stop me because he "didn't want to be rude" to his coworkers. I said I understood why he was upset and it was poor planning on both our parts, he went off on me. When I didn't reply he texted "don't bother calling me, I am going on silent for the night" I said I felt like he was trying to punish me, he said no. and that was it. The next night he was still mad. I tried to apologize, he ignored my texts. The next day said I was feeling hurt and abandoned and just wanted to know what was going through his mind.... he said I wasn't respecting his boundaries. 4 days after I walked out he came over to talk. I thought it was to actually talk, I apologized. I said I could see how I was being controlling, I hadn't really been leaving room for him" and he said it was over, that he had already made up his mind.
He said, I am too reactive, his needs don't matter to me, he was hurt I walked out and since this was the second time, didn't believe I would stop. Counseling was only for people with problems and there was more than one way to fix things and he wasn't going to go. He was walking on eggshells all the time. that I demanded perfection and wanted to change him. I said "I have a hard time with your defensiveness, but I just don't want to be sworn at..." he got mad and said "you and your boundaries". He went on that he couldn't support me in my mental health recovery, that he thought he could but he had created a "safe' place for me and it wasn't enough. I kept asking to talk about this to work on it and he just kept saying no, he started to cry so I hugged him and he was sobbing in my arms. I comforted him and said how hard this was. He then eventually got up, went and got my stuff, took some of his things and left. Two days later his friend asked to talk to me... she said I shouldn't be in a relationship if I have issues to work on, I tried to explain that my counselor was helping me through my attachment issues, but it became clear she has a destiny view of relationships and that they should just work and not have problems. She kept re-iterating that I don't understand him and we are not compatible. That he didn't understand what went wrong. That he tried so hard. It destroyed what was left of my self esteem. I wrote him a sincere apology after 4 weeks, he ignored it.. I reached out to see if he got it he said "yes, I did" and that was it. He hasn't actually told me at all what he wants, he left me as facebook friends but removed our relationship. It has swung me fully over into AP.
I am trying so hard to focus on me, but I am being eaten alive by guilt and that I am a shitty person and shitty gf that I was so focused on me and my needs I ignored his. That I knew he had some people pleasing tendencies and I should have been more aware of them and left space for him. I feel like if I can go into a relationship after this much work and counseling with someone so loving and kind and eat him alive.... can I really be in any relationship? my brain bounces between he has attachment issues and there were two of us to I am toxic and any secure person would leave a toxic relationship. Maybe he was telling me what he needed and I just didn't see it.
|
|
|
|
Post by annieb on Dec 13, 2021 16:45:22 GMT
Stopped reading at “violated my physical boundaries” Look, I know we can turn ourselves into a pretzel trying to excuse emotional boundary violations. But the beauty of physical boundary violation is that you can’t miss it. You didn’t imagine it. I would focus on that and then burrow my way through everything else. Welcome to the forums. You’re in the right time and right place to start this journey and if this relationship was the catalyst to thrust you into this healing then so be it.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Dec 13, 2021 19:29:02 GMT
I am trying so hard to focus on me, but I am being eaten alive by guilt and that I am a shitty person and shitty gf that I was so focused on me and my needs I ignored his. That I knew he had some people pleasing tendencies and I should have been more aware of them and left space for him. I feel like if I can go into a relationship after this much work and counseling with someone so loving and kind and eat him alive.... can I really be in any relationship? my brain bounces between he has attachment issues and there were two of us to I am toxic and any secure person would leave a toxic relationship. Maybe he was telling me what he needed and I just didn't see it.
This really needs to be unpacked with the help of a therapist. Also….there is a big difference between self absorption and self protection.
|
|
|
|
Post by cherrycola on Dec 13, 2021 19:29:47 GMT
Stopped reading at “violated my physical boundaries” Look, I know we can turn ourselves into a pretzel trying to excuse emotional boundary violations. But the beauty of physical boundary violation is that you can’t miss it. You didn’t imagine it. I would focus on that and then burrow my way through everything else. Welcome to the forums. You’re in the right time and right place to start this journey and if this relationship was the catalyst to thrust you into this healing then so be it. Thank you for your reply. I struggle with stopping at the boundaries even. I thought I was doing a good job upholding my boundaries but my friends made me feel overly sensitive. They didn't see the big deal with what he did "it's just tickling" or ... "He got excited and forgot the condom, he aologized". My counselor was aware but said as long as I felt safe and he was willing to work through the problems then it was up to me. And he was always so willing to keep talking about it, eventually he would drop the defensiveness and would apologize, even going a step further to explain his thought process a bit. It meant a lot to me but I see now I never really forgave him. It became a major wound in our relationship and I became hypervigilent looking for the next time. I think I understand now I wanted him to actually assure me he understood. Saying I'm trying to change is pretty vague. He didn't ever seen to understand I could forgive the boundary violations but all the behavior after was triggering for someone who has been abused and has trouble even having boundaries. I can't tell if it's my warped sense of thinking or reality that he didn't feel actual remorse. It feels more like I am upset that you are upset at me but I believe I'm right so I'm only apologizing because you bullied me into it. When he wouldn't stop tickling me it didn't matter that I had been physically abused and hated it, he kept insisting tickling is fun. I had to send him a link about how tickling can be abusive before he would back down. That doesn't feel healthy to me ... I just remembered that when he forgot the condom, he said I needed to punish him. He suggested no contact for a week. I was so confused and tried to explain that it was going to cause further issues in our relationship. He insisted that it was the only way he was going to learn/remember. That really strikes me as weird now. I also feel crazy and and can't tell if it's me or reality that I just knew he was going to violate them. At the time, I talked myself down from reminding him because I felt like I had clearly stated them and I needed to trust him. Then sure enough he did. So yeah ... I feel massive guilt over how I set and enforced my physical boundaries even. That he was trying and I over reacted and made things way worse then they needed to be. When I set boundaries with others it's much gentler and a gentle ouch and restating them is how I function. Instead I got upset and attacked him and made myself big and loud because I wanted to get my point across instead of just re-enforcing them and then leaving if he wouldn't stop and instead of saying I am having trust issues and getting to the bottom of them I projected that he just wanted to hurt me.  Not very secure at all. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Dec 13, 2021 20:04:48 GMT
"He got excited and forgot the condom, he aologized". No. Nothing about this is okay. It sounds like you got the equivalent of a boys will be boys answer from people, and that is NOT actually an acceptable excuse. Unless he was so incapacitated by some type of intoxication he couldn't think so made an irresponsible mistake (which is a different issue but still an issue), there's no excuse for that. Men can get excited, women get excited too, you still respect your partner's wishes and boundaries, and as an adult you take your side of the responsibility for preventing pregnancy and potential STD risk too. It's understandable you felt violated, and having people around you who all undermined and normalized it is disconcerting. I agree with what annieb and tnr9 posted above and want to normalize for you that unwanted touching or going against a relationship mutual agreement (ie having protected sex) is indeed disrespectful and not okay. Someone telling you your boundaries are too extreme for not being okay with those things either has unhealthy boundaries themselves and can't understand healthy ones (typical of insecure attachers though) or is trying to take advantage of you through manipulation. TRUST YOURSELF when you feel violated. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Dec 13, 2021 20:10:12 GMT
I just remembered that when he forgot the condom, he said I needed to punish him. He suggested no contact for a week. I was so confused and tried to explain that it was going to cause further issues in our relationship. He insisted that it was the only way he was going to learn/remember. That really strikes me as weird now. This sounds to me like a guilt and shame response on his end, yet he was still attempting to deflect the responsibility to you. You needed to "enforce" and punish him, versus he takes responsibility for his own actions both at the time and going forward. This was not a good partner for you. Your instincts have been telling you that but because of a lot of other issues on your end you've endured in your life, your brain is trying to rationalize and layer on excuses. |
|
|
|
Post by cherrycola on Dec 13, 2021 20:16:08 GMT
I am trying so hard to focus on me, but I am being eaten alive by guilt and that I am a shitty person and shitty gf that I was so focused on me and my needs I ignored his. That I knew he had some people pleasing tendencies and I should have been more aware of them and left space for him. I feel like if I can go into a relationship after this much work and counseling with someone so loving and kind and eat him alive.... can I really be in any relationship? my brain bounces between he has attachment issues and there were two of us to I am toxic and any secure person would leave a toxic relationship. Maybe he was telling me what he needed and I just didn't see it. This really needs to be unpacked with the help of a therapist. Also….there is a big difference between self absorption and self protection. Thank you for this. That is an excellent way to articulate it and I'll bring it up in my next session. There was probably a bit of both going on. I started the relationship trying to be secure and self-protected and then I may have slipped into self-absorption. I took everything super personally and just saw the worse intentions in everything he was doing. The week before he ended it I was considering ending it because it was all becoming way too much for me. Is that part of attachment issues maybe? We become either so self absorbed or other absorbed that we don't keep the appropriate balance of being self aware but compassionate towards others? I think I still have a lot of work to do on self validation. While I am able to sometimes hold the healthy middle ground that we both did the best we could do and it didn't work out and neither of us are bad people for it. It is so so easy to slip into beating myself up and trying to think my way out of this. Blaming one of us just feels so much easier then accepting things are complex and we have much less control then we want, or even think we do. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Dec 13, 2021 21:43:54 GMT
I am trying so hard to focus on me, but I am being eaten alive by guilt and that I am a shitty person and shitty gf that I was so focused on me and my needs I ignored his. That I knew he had some people pleasing tendencies and I should have been more aware of them and left space for him. I feel like if I can go into a relationship after this much work and counseling with someone so loving and kind and eat him alive.... can I really be in any relationship? my brain bounces between he has attachment issues and there were two of us to I am toxic and any secure person would leave a toxic relationship. Maybe he was telling me what he needed and I just didn't see it. This really needs to be unpacked with the help of a therapist. Also….there is a big difference between self absorption and self protection. Thank you for this. That is an excellent way to articulate it and I'll bring it up in my next session. There was probably a bit of both going on. I started the relationship trying to be secure and self-protected and then I may have slipped into self-absorption. I took everything super personally and just saw the worse intentions in everything he was doing. The week before he ended it I was considering ending it because it was all becoming way too much for me. Is that part of attachment issues maybe? We become either so self absorbed or other absorbed that we don't keep the appropriate balance of being self aware but compassionate towards others? I think I still have a lot of work to do on self validation. While I am able to sometimes hold the healthy middle ground that we both did the best we could do and it didn't work out and neither of us are bad people for it. It is so so easy to slip into beating myself up and trying to think my way out of this. Blaming one of us just feels so much easier then accepting things are complex and we have much less control then we want, or even think we do. There is this fairy tale that people who are secure get it right all the time…..as in, they never sway into feelings of self absorption. Secure people can and do…it is just that they recognize it and correct it….they don’t beat themselves up about it. And you are right…insecure attachment individuals tend to swing more between a fear of engulfment and a fear of abandonment…too close or too far…..but it is all other based…..once the pattern shifts to knowing yourself, respecting yourself, caring for yourself….meaning you now have a core you…..the swings become less volatile. |
|
|
|
Post by cherrycola on Dec 14, 2021 6:42:06 GMT
SO much excellent insight here, thank you. I really came to the right place. I cried after reading all your supportive comments. I realized I was getting really out of balance, and getting my thoughts out into the universe and some perspective from strangers really helped. I journal but it just isn't the same thing. I was really able to recognize today that there were some subtle things going on, that I didn't pick up on. He would often tell me that all my feelings were valid, and he never expected me to be happy 100% of the time, that I was just human and not perfect. He also said if I ever needed to cancel a date because I wasn't up to it, he understood. But if I had any negative feelings that were even vaguely related to him, no matter how I reassured him he wasn't able to handle them. If I so much as let him down though (I had to cancel on dinner one night) he got upset and said not to call him because he needed space. He once told me that when he did something that made me cry, he felt deep shame and that he felt just saying sorry was not enough... Yet he never showed me this. So the message I took from that is, "your feelings are okay as long as you never have any negative feelings about ME, otherwise I am going to make you feel guilty" This all helped me realize I was getting stuck back in victim mode. I decided that I needed to do some reframing of what he said to me during the breakup instead of using it to beat myself up. I wrote myself a letter that offered that these are not faults in myself, they are simply incompatibilities and things he isn't able to deal with at this point in his life. I need to believe that someone more emotionally equipped would have told me how he was feeling long before. Would have been more honest about how I was affecting him, respected my boundaries and enforced his own. alexandra you are right about me trying to rationalize and make excuses. When I was a child whose mother would be cruel that makes sense, but it is not serving me well now. I am angry his friend told me having boundaries is selfish while at the same time telling me I was being disrespectful for texting him when he wanted space. Who reaches out to someone just to twist the knife? I am trying to not go down the rabbit hole of her motivations but seriously... I am making zero excuses or rationalizations for that. It was hurtful and there were no good intentions there. I already know she has zero boundaries, and likes to play therapist in their friends group. I asked she never contact me again after I saw her last. I also have to consider this is his closest friend so really shows to his character. As I heal I am noticing lack of boundaries, over responsibility, and all sorts of other things in my friends and family. It is definitely a work in progress to evaluate each of these and determine where in my life these people belong. Goes back to my need to learn how to self validate. tnr9 thank you for the insight that even secure people are not secure all the time. I get terrified that with my upbringing I will always be empty and broken. Sometimes it is really hard to see my progress, it just feels like I have an impossible long way to go. I've also picked up a nasty habit of psychoanalyzing everyone and projecting. But I am trying to acknowledge that I have come a very long way. While I am ashamed of walking out, I was really proud that it didn't take me long to self reflect and really see my part in it. So I think I am becoming more secure... slowly. I haven't completely unraveled with this breakup. No drinking, no excessive shopping. I have kept up with work and my friends. I have tried new things and done things just because they make me happy. I have kept up with my daily mindfulness, and getting enough sleep. Those are all signs of progress. I haven't blown up his phone with texts, or begged him to take me back. I am afraid though that if he came back right now, I wouldn't tell him to pound sand. I am also aware grief comes in waves, and while I am finding longer and longer periods of just existing, I am sure I have more pain to experience. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Dec 14, 2021 17:38:33 GMT
SO much excellent insight here, thank you. I really came to the right place. I cried after reading all your supportive comments. I realized I was getting really out of balance, and getting my thoughts out into the universe and some perspective from strangers really helped. I journal but it just isn't the same thing. I was really able to recognize today that there were some subtle things going on, that I didn't pick up on. He would often tell me that all my feelings were valid, and he never expected me to be happy 100% of the time, that I was just human and not perfect. He also said if I ever needed to cancel a date because I wasn't up to it, he understood. But if I had any negative feelings that were even vaguely related to him, no matter how I reassured him he wasn't able to handle them. If I so much as let him down though (I had to cancel on dinner one night) he got upset and said not to call him because he needed space. He once told me that when he did something that made me cry, he felt deep shame and that he felt just saying sorry was not enough... Yet he never showed me this. So the message I took from that is, "your feelings are okay as long as you never have any negative feelings about ME, otherwise I am going to make you feel guilty" This all helped me realize I was getting stuck back in victim mode. I decided that I needed to do some reframing of what he said to me during the breakup instead of using it to beat myself up. I wrote myself a letter that offered that these are not faults in myself, they are simply incompatibilities and things he isn't able to deal with at this point in his life. I need to believe that someone more emotionally equipped would have told me how he was feeling long before. Would have been more honest about how I was affecting him, respected my boundaries and enforced his own. alexandra you are right about me trying to rationalize and make excuses. When I was a child whose mother would be cruel that makes sense, but it is not serving me well now. I am angry his friend told me having boundaries is selfish while at the same time telling me I was being disrespectful for texting him when he wanted space. Who reaches out to someone just to twist the knife? I am trying to not go down the rabbit hole of her motivations but seriously... I am making zero excuses or rationalizations for that. It was hurtful and there were no good intentions there. I already know she has zero boundaries, and likes to play therapist in their friends group. I asked she never contact me again after I saw her last. I also have to consider this is his closest friend so really shows to his character. As I heal I am noticing lack of boundaries, over responsibility, and all sorts of other things in my friends and family. It is definitely a work in progress to evaluate each of these and determine where in my life these people belong. Goes back to my need to learn how to self validate. tnr9 thank you for the insight that even secure people are not secure all the time. I get terrified that with my upbringing I will always be empty and broken. Sometimes it is really hard to see my progress, it just feels like I have an impossible long way to go. I've also picked up a nasty habit of psychoanalyzing everyone and projecting. But I am trying to acknowledge that I have come a very long way. While I am ashamed of walking out, I was really proud that it didn't take me long to self reflect and really see my part in it. So I think I am becoming more secure... slowly. I haven't completely unraveled with this breakup. No drinking, no excessive shopping. I have kept up with work and my friends. I have tried new things and done things just because they make me happy. I have kept up with my daily mindfulness, and getting enough sleep. Those are all signs of progress. I haven't blown up his phone with texts, or begged him to take me back. I am afraid though that if he came back right now, I wouldn't tell him to pound sand. I am also aware grief comes in waves, and while I am finding longer and longer periods of just existing, I am sure I have more pain to experience. I think we are all on a journey….and earning secure takes time. I think the blessing in awareness of an insecure attachment is the ability to recognize how it served you when you were younger…but does not serve you today. Thus, you can look to add additional tools to your toolbox to better address situations as they arise. |
|
|
|
Post by cherrycola on Dec 19, 2021 2:15:22 GMT
I had a counseling session and at the end she told me she wishes she was wrong but in all her professional experience "men like him" come back. So be prepared for it. It makes it feel that much worse that oh, you've seen all these other exes come back but mine hasn't ... I don't know how to feel about her saying something like that.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Dec 19, 2021 7:08:02 GMT
She's right, though. FAs do tend to cycle back to exes more often relative to non-FAs. But they don't always return because sometimes they meet someone more avoidant than themselves to fixate on. It doesn't say anything about you or who you are or your value if he does or does not come back, because it's based in how he's feeling about himself and his life, not about you. The reason she was saying it as a caution is because when people with his issues do come back and it's still about them (because they haven't healed their issues yet and are looking for a validation bandaid or are lonely and miss your companionship and attention), it's confusing and destructive.
There's not much point in worrying about this until it happens. It could take months, years, or not happen at all. I've had all 3 time frames occur! But what you can do in the time that he's away is focus on depersonalizing his behavior, including if he does come back, and understanding yourself better so you can have healthy boundaries in assessing whatever happens if and when it happens. That's truly the best way to handle it while simultaneously not getting anxious and speculative about it.
|
|
|
|
Post by cherrycola on Dec 19, 2021 19:45:29 GMT
She's right, though. FAs do tend to cycle back to exes more often relative to non-FAs. But they don't always return because sometimes they meet someone more avoidant than themselves to fixate on. It doesn't say anything about you or who you are or your value if he does or does not come back, because it's based in how he's feeling about himself and his life, not about you. The reason she was saying it as a caution is because when people with his issues do come back and it's still about them (because they haven't healed their issues yet and are looking for a validation bandaid or are lonely and miss your companionship and attention), it's confusing and destructive. There's not much point in worrying about this until it happens. It could take months, years, or not happen at all. I've had all 3 time frames occur! But what you can do in the time that he's away is focus on depersonalizing his behavior, including if he does come back, and understanding yourself better so you can have healthy boundaries in assessing whatever happens if and when it happens. That's truly the best way to handle it while simultaneously not getting anxious and speculative about it. Thank you for the insight. I read your posts about dating secure and wow. It feels like I could have written some of those things. I want marriage and a family and at my age it is starting to feel impossible. I went through so many men trying to find someone emotionally healthy. When I met D I didn't rush in. I really let him show me who he was. We waited 2 months to be committed and then didn't become intimate until after that. We hit all the relationship milestones re friends and family. We had the same values and lifestyles. He seemed like a good communicator, though maybe I should have noticed I was the one starting all the conversations around anything serious. I even started to doubt his attachment type. When he took an attachment test though his base attachment was FA it said he was secure when it came to me. There were a few orange flags at that point but I felt maybe I was being hyper vigilant and it was just my attachment talking. When he violated my boundary the first time it was jarring. It felt like hitting a wall. I think that this is the hardest part for me to process. It felt like a healthy secure relationship and then boom. So how did I get it so wrong when I entered the relationship from what seemed like such a good place. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Dec 19, 2021 20:03:23 GMT
It can easily take several months really getting to know someone's character, especially when they have an insecure attachment style or other mental health issues. Usually the new relationship energy (for lack of a better term) is overwhelming enough to bypass a bunch of the intimacy triggers and patterns for a few months (honeymoon period). Then as the nervous system settles back to normal and sees the partner as becoming a longer-term fixture, the dysfunctional bits begin to show up.
It sounds like you did everything right at the beginning. You gave things some time and breathing room to observe consistency. When he started getting inconsistent though, it was difficult for you to accept that once you were attached and you tolerated it and questioned yourself instead. I don't think you should be beating yourself up for getting it "wrong." Take what you observe as red flags now as a learning experience, and also take that missing them indicates a combination of you didn't know what you didn't know yet (a lot of this does come with going through the life experience so you know for next time) and that your takeaway should be that the experience highlights you still have issues to work through yourself on your end. From the standpoint of, your attachment made you convince yourself to tolerate disrespect and behavior that you shouldn't tolerate instead of trusting yourself, and there are deeper reasons for that you have yet to fully untangle.
|
|
|
|
Post by krolle on Dec 26, 2021 16:44:02 GMT
I should imagine theres a lot more going on here than meets the eye. Certainly co-dependance.
In terms of you feeling like a bad partner then I would say it was very likely you were both as dysfunctional as each other.
I have been in relationships with people with BPD and it took a long time for me to realize I brought my own very unhealthy crap to the relationship. And I blamed them exclusively for the relationship failure for a long time. And my friends also got involved, even though I didnt ask them to. Giving her a hard time. Granted, that was in response to the post break up social media slander campaign she engaged in. But still, not good form.
Im not sure why his friend would reach out to you directly unless there is more going on than we know about.
Were you aware he didnt have the condom on?
|
|
Not very secure at all.