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Post by aisling on Nov 11, 2017 0:37:44 GMT
Hey, all. I've been feeling a lot of pain around dealing with people who have an intense fear of engulfment. I used to think that because I've felt trapped, I understood it, but after being with someone who didn't realize they had this fear, I saw that it plays out really differently. I'm carrying around a lot of fears about my needs being too much again. I had a pretty firm grip on my fears around abandonment, like recognizing when I felt panicked and anxious and protest-y, and would talk about this with him THINKING that that was me taking responsibility for myself. But here's the thing. He still saw me asking him to frame him bringing up his uncertainty about us/doubt by first saying he wanted to work on these things so we could grow closer as me being controlling and smothering. I thought I was trying to be respectful to the both of us by requesting something that made me feel safe so that i could hear him AND so he could talk openly, but he thought he couldn't be himself bc I would freak out (I would get noticeably upset bc he would say this to me whenever we were doing well and would never explain what he meant when he said he felt bad or ever have a solutiok). Is this just the cycle? Is there any way to be there for someone who fears engulfment that doesn't involve completely setting aside my needs for a certain type of communication? Bc that's what I ended up doing. I ended up doing the typical thing of working harder to sit w my feelings of anxiety/loss/rejection, meditating, keeping my need for reassurance to a minimum, giving him space, but in the end, it didn't change our overall dynamic. He still blamed me for not letting him be him, and he still kept tons of secrets. He has been seeing a therapist for awhile, and he copes w his fear by putting up strong boundaries around communication and time spent together. I haven't heard him ever take responsibility for the ways his fears have affected us, but he had expected me to take full responsibility for what I see as his inner turmoil. I feel like engulfment is something that takes so much work to change, and I'm seeing that me empathizing with him isn't changing anything. I'm having a hard time accepting that that's just the way it is. Anyone have thoughts on dealing w people who have this fear?
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Post by discoveringme on Nov 11, 2017 2:08:57 GMT
I too have been trying to think of non-engulfing, non-confrontational, and non-critical ways of bringing up issues, particularly, about communication. Unfortunately, my girlfriend seems to have gone ghost for now. If and when we start communicating again,one issue I would like to suggest is for her to use TTYL or some other code to say that she is trying to re-regulate (and ideally is missing me and will get back to me when she feels less stressed). My feeling is that saying this directly could lead to many negative feelings on her part, including feeling engulfed, criticized, or judged, and I am struggling to come up with a way to discuss this and other issues in a way that won't trigger engulfment fears or feelings of criticism.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2017 13:19:58 GMT
Hey, all. I've been feeling a lot of pain around dealing with people who have an intense fear of engulfment. I used to think that because I've felt trapped, I understood it, but after being with someone who didn't realize they had this fear, I saw that it plays out really differently. I'm carrying around a lot of fears about my needs being too much again. I had a pretty firm grip on my fears around abandonment, like recognizing when I felt panicked and anxious and protest-y, and would talk about this with him THINKING that that was me taking responsibility for myself. But here's the thing. He still saw me asking him to frame him bringing up his uncertainty about us/doubt by first saying he wanted to work on these things so we could grow closer as me being controlling and smothering. I thought I was trying to be respectful to the both of us by requesting something that made me feel safe so that i could hear him AND so he could talk openly, but he thought he couldn't be himself bc I would freak out (I would get noticeably upset bc he would say this to me whenever we were doing well and would never explain what he meant when he said he felt bad or ever have a solutiok). Is this just the cycle? Is there any way to be there for someone who fears engulfment that doesn't involve completely setting aside my needs for a certain type of communication? Bc that's what I ended up doing. I ended up doing the typical thing of working harder to sit w my feelings of anxiety/loss/rejection, meditating, keeping my need for reassurance to a minimum, giving him space, but in the end, it didn't change our overall dynamic. He still blamed me for not letting him be him, and he still kept tons of secrets. He has been seeing a therapist for awhile, and he copes w his fear by putting up strong boundaries around communication and time spent together. I haven't heard him ever take responsibility for the ways his fears have affected us, but he had expected me to take full responsibility for what I see as his inner turmoil. I feel like engulfment is something that takes so much work to change, and I'm seeing that me empathizing with him isn't changing anything. I'm having a hard time accepting that that's just the way it is. Anyone have thoughts on dealing w people who have this fear? Hello I am not sure I can be too much help - having been in an identical situation myself, at some point - 6 years down the line. I had to decide whether I could live with constantly suppressing my needs in order to keep him within his comfort zone. I too sat with pain, discomfort, meditated, exercised did all I could do hold things together. I am not sure if this resonates with you, but in the end I felt I wasn't being authentic and was losing myself. Leaving was - and still sometimes is, very painful, but certainly in the case of my relationship staying and being patient and accepting didn't bring about any change in the dynamic. As soon as his fear of engulfment was triggered by me asking for him to be present for me when going through a difficult time - it became obvious that he just couldn't or wouldn't. It was like being with a child not a relationship between two adults who both took responsibility for their failings. |
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Post by scheme00 on Nov 11, 2017 18:15:33 GMT
I felt the same way as the poster above me. It was hard as hell to leave someone you love and are obsessed with but I chose to for my own sanity. What is even more horrible is that when you decide to leave they often will not even care or will encourage it.
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