People won't always abandon you when you speak up
Dec 27, 2021 0:33:41 GMT
elizabeth and t like this
Post by usernametaken on Dec 27, 2021 0:33:41 GMT
I wanted to post here that I had a small win this week that left me just so overwhelmed that I can express my hurt feelings and people who love me, want to talk about it and solve it. After going through my breakup it is amazing to see self work start to pay off.
I have had a decade friendship with a fellow FA. I polarized AP, she DA. She withdrawals and it hurts. She ghosted me for 6 months when my dad died. Later she stood me up at a restaurant and wouldn't return my calls, then showed up a week later at my door with a huge apology because a phone call didn't feel appropriate after what she did. I now understand it is because she gets overwhelmed, but I didn't see that at the time.
She recently came to me and said that things would get better, that she was really trying and she loved me. Being typical FA's we haven't really ever been vulnerable with each other. Since then I worry sometimes about over burdening her in case she runs away again.
This week has been really hard. It is the anniversary of my moms death and I was trying to make travel arrangements for Christmas. They just weren't working out due to COVID. I turned to her and she bombarded me with suggestion after suggestion of what I could do. I got overwhelmed. Old me would have just stopped replying but I recognized this friendship was not serving me as is and I needed to either change her place in my life or really communicate.
So I clearly communicated I knew she was doing it out of love, but it was over whelming me and I just needed support. She stopped replying. Instead of taking it personally I registered the hurt and just moved on with things. Three days later she called and apologized and we had a true heart to heart. That she deeply appreciated me telling her. Providing emotional validation / listening is new for her, listening suggestions is easier. She was really honest about getting so overwhelmed and then she feels bad, and then she avoids me. So we agreed she is going to try better to communicate when she is overwhelmed. I can see how much work she is putting in, she has gone through therapy and recognizes she has some less than healthy behaviors. It really highlights to me that when both people are doing their own work, they can meet in the middle and try to figure things out.
It feels good that she is more open to telling me what she needs, and if she is able to tell me these things, I can be less afraid of tripping over something I didn't even know was there.
I have had a decade friendship with a fellow FA. I polarized AP, she DA. She withdrawals and it hurts. She ghosted me for 6 months when my dad died. Later she stood me up at a restaurant and wouldn't return my calls, then showed up a week later at my door with a huge apology because a phone call didn't feel appropriate after what she did. I now understand it is because she gets overwhelmed, but I didn't see that at the time.
She recently came to me and said that things would get better, that she was really trying and she loved me. Being typical FA's we haven't really ever been vulnerable with each other. Since then I worry sometimes about over burdening her in case she runs away again.
This week has been really hard. It is the anniversary of my moms death and I was trying to make travel arrangements for Christmas. They just weren't working out due to COVID. I turned to her and she bombarded me with suggestion after suggestion of what I could do. I got overwhelmed. Old me would have just stopped replying but I recognized this friendship was not serving me as is and I needed to either change her place in my life or really communicate.
So I clearly communicated I knew she was doing it out of love, but it was over whelming me and I just needed support. She stopped replying. Instead of taking it personally I registered the hurt and just moved on with things. Three days later she called and apologized and we had a true heart to heart. That she deeply appreciated me telling her. Providing emotional validation / listening is new for her, listening suggestions is easier. She was really honest about getting so overwhelmed and then she feels bad, and then she avoids me. So we agreed she is going to try better to communicate when she is overwhelmed. I can see how much work she is putting in, she has gone through therapy and recognizes she has some less than healthy behaviors. It really highlights to me that when both people are doing their own work, they can meet in the middle and try to figure things out.
It feels good that she is more open to telling me what she needs, and if she is able to tell me these things, I can be less afraid of tripping over something I didn't even know was there.