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Post by Themimms on Jan 10, 2022 22:18:32 GMT
Hi guys,
I have a question I was just wondering about. For a DA, would it be the most triggering emotionally (as in stirring up some interest) to see an ex live their life in social media and doing all kinds of stuff (being in their face like normal) or completelpely disappearing (like the DA kind of try to make their ex do anyways via avoidance)? So will preventing their avoidance of you a little (on social media) make them be forced to remember you, or will it work the other way around that completely going along with it by disappearing yourself, never posting anything, will make them wonder where you went and what you're doing? Or is that just doing them a favor?
And before you say "why would I ever try to trigger them", this isn't something I'm going to put in place. I'm over my exes and I post things as I please. I just thought it was an interesting question when analysing past breakups. I also fully understand that some DAs never get triggered at all from seeing things regarding an ex and just think like "meh".
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Post by alexandra on Jan 10, 2022 22:31:02 GMT
I'm not DA, but if I was trying to get over a breakup, I'd hide the social media content until I'd moved on enough (not block or disconnect but hide), so I'd never even see it.
The way you're thinking about it isn't really the way it works. If a DA breaks up due to attachment reasons and intimacy fears (sabotage) instead of for reasons that directly have to do with relationship incompatibility and the feelings actually not being there enough, then the break up and subsequent distance is so they can re-regulate themselves after a period of overwhelm. That nervous system overwhelm usually manifests as disconnection from self and inability to access feelings of attachment to the person they were struggling with. So it's not about the other person or what they are doing at all, it's about themselves. Which means you're not really going to influence them all that much. What influences them is either coming out of their emotional shut down with time, or deciding to face and try to heal their own trauma. Both are deeply personal and self-motivated.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2022 23:09:39 GMT
If I am out of the relationship I am not going to be concerned about what you're doing, and I personally do NOT remain connected with exes. That makes zero sense to me, it's a privacy and respect thing to me to say goodbye and sever ties.
I don't think you get avoidance which ks why you're asking questions I'm sure, so I'm not knocking you. But getting triggered doesn't mean being interested, it means disconnecting and going into auto regulation. In which case, I won't be looking for you and you're doing me a favor to stay away. And if I've broken up and you're tying to be in my face I think less of you, and it just reinforces my feeling that it's best we part.
I don't leave a relationship because I care too much, the sequence goes uncomfortable with vulnerability, different ideas from partner about what relationship means> loss of desire to be in relationship , deactivation > leaving. I won't suddenly become interested again, in fact I'd try to avoid crossing the bridge into that kind of uncomfortable closeness again. There is no "I love you so much I must leave you" romantic idea going on. The feeling is "This doesn't fit. I don't fit. I am not going to do this. "
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 11, 2022 0:17:07 GMT
If I am out of the relationship I am not going to be concerned about what you're doing, and I personally do NOT remain connected with exes. That makes zero sense to me, it's a privacy and respect thing to me to say goodbye and sever ties. I don't think you get avoidance which ks why you're asking questions I'm sure, so I'm not knocking you. But getting triggered doesn't mean being interested, it means disconnecting and going into auto regulation. In which case, I won't be looking for you and you're doing me a favor to stay away. And if I've broken up and you're tying to be in my face I think less of you, and it just reinforces my feeling that it's best we part. I don't leave a relationship because I care too much, the sequence goes uncomfortable with vulnerability, different ideas from partner about what relationship means> loss of desire to be in relationship , deactivation > leaving. I won't suddenly become interested again, in fact I'd try to avoid crossing the bridge into that kind of uncomfortable closeness again. There is no "I love you so much I must leave you" romantic idea going on. The feeling is "This doesn't fit. I don't fit. I am not going to do this. " I think people confuse DA and FA post break up behaviors. FAs typically want to keep the door open as friends. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2022 4:21:00 GMT
If I am out of the relationship I am not going to be concerned about what you're doing, and I personally do NOT remain connected with exes. That makes zero sense to me, it's a privacy and respect thing to me to say goodbye and sever ties. I don't think you get avoidance which ks why you're asking questions I'm sure, so I'm not knocking you. But getting triggered doesn't mean being interested, it means disconnecting and going into auto regulation. In which case, I won't be looking for you and you're doing me a favor to stay away. And if I've broken up and you're tying to be in my face I think less of you, and it just reinforces my feeling that it's best we part. I don't leave a relationship because I care too much, the sequence goes uncomfortable with vulnerability, different ideas from partner about what relationship means> loss of desire to be in relationship , deactivation > leaving. I won't suddenly become interested again, in fact I'd try to avoid crossing the bridge into that kind of uncomfortable closeness again. There is no "I love you so much I must leave you" romantic idea going on. The feeling is "This doesn't fit. I don't fit. I am not going to do this. " I think people confuse DA and FA post break up behaviors. FAs typically want to keep the door open as friends. Never understood that, and I've also never seen that work. But yes there does seem to be a different take on this between the styles. A guy I was with briefly wanted to stay friends after downgrading the thing we had which was stupid looking back.... I called it off after he got squirrelly and finally blocked him after he wouldn't just stay gone. I can't help but think there are very suspect motives in mind but I could be wrong. Anyway, it's not for me. |
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Post by Themimms on Jan 11, 2022 7:37:05 GMT
I think people confuse DA and FA post break up behaviors. FAs typically want to keep the door open as friends. Never understood that, and I've also never seen that work. But yes there does seem to be a different take on this between the styles. A guy I was with briefly wanted to stay friends after downgrading the thing we had which was stupid looking back.... I called it off after he got squirrelly and finally blocked him after he wouldn't just stay gone. I can't help but think there are very suspect motives in mind but I could be wrong. Anyway, it's not for me. I'm really good friends with my secure longterm ex. I think the key is that we were both wanting to break up/realized it wasn't working. So nobody tried to pursue the other or got spooked away (I'm secure with him/other secure people but FA otherwise - especially now in new relationships). |
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Post by Themimms on Jan 11, 2022 7:39:40 GMT
If I am out of the relationship I am not going to be concerned about what you're doing, and I personally do NOT remain connected with exes. That makes zero sense to me, it's a privacy and respect thing to me to say goodbye and sever ties. I don't think you get avoidance which ks why you're asking questions I'm sure, so I'm not knocking you. But getting triggered doesn't mean being interested, it means disconnecting and going into auto regulation. In which case, I won't be looking for you and you're doing me a favor to stay away. And if I've broken up and you're tying to be in my face I think less of you, and it just reinforces my feeling that it's best we part. I don't leave a relationship because I care too much, the sequence goes uncomfortable with vulnerability, different ideas from partner about what relationship means> loss of desire to be in relationship , deactivation > leaving. I won't suddenly become interested again, in fact I'd try to avoid crossing the bridge into that kind of uncomfortable closeness again. There is no "I love you so much I must leave you" romantic idea going on. The feeling is "This doesn't fit. I don't fit. I am not going to do this. " Ok, clear! So you never get curious what they're up to or reminisce, even if it's been let's say a year? |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2022 20:19:36 GMT
If I am out of the relationship I am not going to be concerned about what you're doing, and I personally do NOT remain connected with exes. That makes zero sense to me, it's a privacy and respect thing to me to say goodbye and sever ties. I don't think you get avoidance which ks why you're asking questions I'm sure, so I'm not knocking you. But getting triggered doesn't mean being interested, it means disconnecting and going into auto regulation. In which case, I won't be looking for you and you're doing me a favor to stay away. And if I've broken up and you're tying to be in my face I think less of you, and it just reinforces my feeling that it's best we part. I don't leave a relationship because I care too much, the sequence goes uncomfortable with vulnerability, different ideas from partner about what relationship means> loss of desire to be in relationship , deactivation > leaving. I won't suddenly become interested again, in fact I'd try to avoid crossing the bridge into that kind of uncomfortable closeness again. There is no "I love you so much I must leave you" romantic idea going on. The feeling is "This doesn't fit. I don't fit. I am not going to do this. " Ok, clear! So you never get curious what they're up to or reminisce, even if it's been let's say a year? No, I really don't. I mean I've had thoughts of exes over time but they usually are accompanied by the realization that the particular entanglement was not right for either of us. |
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