Post by alexandra on Jan 12, 2022 22:09:02 GMT
I'm sure he cares about you, but this is pretty standard FA dynamics if you read other situations in this forum. These situations tend to go the same way when someone is not addressing their own issues outside of the relationship. An FA feels too close because attachment and intimacy makes their nervous system shut down. They try to find an appropriate distance to keep their partner in their lives but not as close so the FA can feel emotionally regulated, though they also panic if the partner goes too far and too distant. Usually this ends up being some sort of situationship downgrade.
The thing is, that's the level of romantic relationship an unaware FA can consistently handle. What you see right now in front of you is what you get, and it's not about potential unless the person is entirely self-motivated to do things like go to therapy and learn better communication and relationship skills.
You're trying to lay down proper boundaries because you've gained clarity into what you want. That's a good thing. But because you don't really want to accept not being together as an answer, you're now looking for ways to twist in loopholes and to see hope in the inconsistency. Leaving the door open a crack in hopes things can be different instead of just closing it because things simply can't be different right now. He absolutely cares about you, but can't give you what you want, and that has nothing to do with you. His issues have been present since before you met and will continue until he chooses to address them. You didn't do anything to cause them, which means you can't fix them. And leaving the door open will drag this out for as long as you'll allow it, because he may want things to be different but he's not ready for the long and involved hard work to get there. Which means you'll be wasting your time hurt and in limbo if you try to depend on someone who isn't dependable to weigh into your own decision making.
I've gotten stuck in this situation multiple times for literally years. Nothing ever actually changed. Those guys still have the same FA-related relationship problems now that they did years ago when we were involved. But I finally chose to move on and work out my own attachment issues, and that's what truly made all the difference.
The thing is, that's the level of romantic relationship an unaware FA can consistently handle. What you see right now in front of you is what you get, and it's not about potential unless the person is entirely self-motivated to do things like go to therapy and learn better communication and relationship skills.
You're trying to lay down proper boundaries because you've gained clarity into what you want. That's a good thing. But because you don't really want to accept not being together as an answer, you're now looking for ways to twist in loopholes and to see hope in the inconsistency. Leaving the door open a crack in hopes things can be different instead of just closing it because things simply can't be different right now. He absolutely cares about you, but can't give you what you want, and that has nothing to do with you. His issues have been present since before you met and will continue until he chooses to address them. You didn't do anything to cause them, which means you can't fix them. And leaving the door open will drag this out for as long as you'll allow it, because he may want things to be different but he's not ready for the long and involved hard work to get there. Which means you'll be wasting your time hurt and in limbo if you try to depend on someone who isn't dependable to weigh into your own decision making.
I've gotten stuck in this situation multiple times for literally years. Nothing ever actually changed. Those guys still have the same FA-related relationship problems now that they did years ago when we were involved. But I finally chose to move on and work out my own attachment issues, and that's what truly made all the difference.